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MJM

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MJM

@StuckinLA That's interesting. I've been drinking here and there the last couple weeks and my BP is up back to 150/90. So I think there has to be a link with boozing and BP (although this time coming off Effexor might also play a part

I have to be smashed to start the suddenly falling down thing. I haven't been like that for months, thankfully.

I've been off Effexor for 4 days. The effects of that include small electric shock feelings in my hands and feeling a bit dizzy now and then. Also feel like I have a short fuse, but I'm aware of it and so seem to be able to stop the thoughts turning into action. I was pretty haphazard with exercise, but have been on the exercise bike yesterday and today. I plan to make it a daily, er, exercise.

But here's the most interesting thing. I drank twice in that 4-day period, each time getting a craving, or a sense of wanting to escape or get out of it  — booze of course being my  go-to escape method. The first night I had about a bottle of wine or a bit less and simply didn't want anymore. Last night I had a glass and that was enough. Simply couldn't bring myself to have any more. Both times I was also hungry (have been eating a lot more in the last week or so too, and have put on 2.5kg) and that probably helped me slow down. 

Even though I drank less, I got really sleepy soon after. Dozing off at about 9pm!

It's very early days, but the correlation between not taking a SNRI anti-depressant (Effexor) and Bac being able to do its work much better is noteworthy. I found forums where dozens of people noted the correlation between SSRI or SNRI ADs and heavy drinking — many of who actually had no history of dependence (or so they said, one way or another) but whose drinking quickly became alcoholic when taking ADs.

 

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MJM

Not sleeping well and my back's killing me. Driving me nuts. Have taken a Mersyndol, panadol and nurofen. See my Dr next week and hope to get to the bottom of this. I think its the Bac; it isn't back strain or anything obvious like that. Finally got to sleep at 2.30am last night and it's 2.10am as I write this.

Not drinking though so that's something. Have absolutely no interest in it. 

Getting off the ADs is no fun but mood-wise I'm pretty good. Telling though is my frustration levels have increased, esp when driving. Took my 11yr-old daughter to see Shawn Mendes tonight, and on the way back got behind yet another slow driver. Overtook her on broken white lines and she sped up, beeping her horn at me as I tried to move back over. Did it all progressively, used my indicator etc. She flashed her lights at me at the next lights and I could see her shaking her head at me. Christ, we have so many drivers like that here. The audacity of being overtaken even though safe to do so. How dare anyone do that?

I hung onto that situation for quite a while after this evening. 

I wish my back would stop aching.

Edited by MJM
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StuckinLA

Sorry about your back, @MJM. And the frustration levels, and the sleeping. Not sleeping makes everything worse. I haven't been sleeping so much as just passing out, which isn't great. Hope your doc helps you sort out the back pain. But hey, you're absolutely right that not drinking is something. Not just something, it's huge. Wish I could say the same.

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MJM
On 2 November 2016 at 2:58 AM, StuckinLA said:

Sorry about your back, @MJM. And the frustration levels, and the sleeping. Not sleeping makes everything worse. I haven't been sleeping so much as just passing out, which isn't great. Hope your doc helps you sort out the back pain. But hey, you're absolutely right that not drinking is something. Not just something, it's huge. Wish I could say the same.

You have got there on Bac before and I'm sure you will again. It's the getting there that's no fun at all. I fully get the dragging one foot in front of the other in this situation, but can you try to get out, even for just a 15min walk? Getting some exercise and fresh air won't fix you but it might be of some help. I would not have even entertained the thought when I was (not very long ago) drinking but I think now that just doing good shit for me, even though it appears to be a complete waste of time, actually works.

 

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MJM

It's been a week since I've had any AL (it was half a glass of a small beer!) and about 3 weeks since I've actually been drunk. Off Effexor for 2.5 weeks.

It's early days but most of what I'm seeing of this new life I really like. I only hope that it is not a false start. I have had many of those in the last 20 months on Bac.

The not drinking being great I get, but it's the being off ADs that I don't. I feel better for it, happier. Sure, the first week was a mixed experience, but I've started to level out.

I was distracted, according to my wife, and I could see I was going off the handle too easily here and there with the kids. Also the sudden interest in road rage (not that I acted on it, but boy did I stew on it).

That's all pretty much done. I use my rough-and-ready CBT when I feel my blood beginning to boil over something, but so far I haven't. The physical SEs of coming off Effexor (dizzyness, electric shock feelings in my hands) have gone. The only thing remaining that might be a SE is nausea, which has been coming and going over the last week. That also could simply be a virus that's been going around. Had to come home from my office a couple days ago as I felt weak and nauseous and had a stomach upset. That , er, passed after a few hours.

It's spring here and we've had a couple of really humid days already. It is such a great feeling to feel a bit hot and sweaty much like most people rather than be drenched in sweat (an Effoxer SE is extra sweating). I don't have to change my shirt a couple times a day when gardeing etc anymore because it is completely wet with sweat.

I have even started to lose interest in smoking the last couple days. Earlier in the week I rode my motorcycle 3.5hrs out into the country to do a photoshoot. When away like that (that is, so I don't have to hide my smoking from the kids) I smoke like a chimney. Which I did. So the wheezing and coughing have returned, and I have been getting fed up with all the time smoking takes up and having to hide in the garage at home to smoke and the whole palaver over getting rid of the smell so the kids won't know (swapping T-shirts, washing and moisturising my face, chewing gum or brushing my teeth). I really noticed the nicotine withdrawal yesterday morning when sending the kids off to school. I was getting more and more frustrated with them (though I was able to see what was causing it, so kept biting my tongue) but boy when I knew I was in the clear I bolted down to the garage and got a smoke going. I started using nicotine lozenges again yesterday and by the afternoon I began smoking a lot less. I just couldn't be bothered. As I write this at the breakfast table I've just popped a lozenge. Getting in early today.

I can't say that I have been getting high on fresh air but the feeling of well-being is there. I have also started to engage a lot more with the kids. We went to the pool last weekend and I actually played with them. I've been joking a lot more, have been more in the moment. 

Riding my motorcycle for that work trip was bittersweet. It was pouring down when I left home in the early evening - the plan was to get the freeway part of the trip done the night before, stay in a motel, then get the rest of the way, do the job and back the following day. I enjoyed being on the bike, even in the rain, but my damn back ache kept coming along and spoiling the fun. I stopped a couple times, took nurofen, did some stretches and even leaned forward on the tank to try to relieve the pain.

I'm seeing my GP next week and will get my back sorted. I also hobble around like an old man when I get up in the moring with stiff joints. It could be totally unrelated to Bac, but this only began as I started to get to around 200mg Bac.

Sorry for the novella-length post. This thread is a bit like a journal for me.

Edited by MJM
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Molly78

@MJM have you thought of trying vapes to help with stopping smoking?  My oldest son (now late 30s) has been a smoker for most of his adult life.  He managed to stop completely in about 3 months using one of these. DIL now also trying, trouble is I think she is enjoying the vape too much, it's become a sort of substitute - but at least it's healthier. 

Glad to hear things are going so well for you - you sound like someone whose life is coming together.

I have had back problems which I think are due to bac.  My theory is it relaxes your core muscles, so that any pre-existing problem (in my case a scoliosis) gets worse. I'm now doing yoga & pilates to try to limit the progression (I've said this elsewhere, probably repeating myself - sorry!)

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MJM

A quick update. Have been feeling sad the last couple days, thinking about my Mum. The anniversary of her passing is coming up in a few weeks. Without ADs I am feeling it more, I guess.

Also noticed how I've been getting a bit obessed about buying a new (used) car. It's been taking over my work time, although the last two days have been better as I realised that i was using it as an escape. Still need to replace my daily-drive car with another but I'm trying to be more measured about it.

Also caught myself running the resentment theme in my head a few times, but have been able to stop it in its tracks. 

I have been exercising more in the last few days and that is helping. Trying to download the excellent meditation I have onto my new iphone - godamn itunes!

Titrating down on Bac a bit to ty to ease my lower back pain. I'm sure it's the Bac because already now at 200mg it's beginning to ease a bit. I want to stay at 200mg (down from 230mg) and see ho it goes.

Bac is now able to do its job it seems. Even though I have been feeling depressed here and there I have not once thought of AL as an escape. That bloody Effexor is horrible stuff, IMO.

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Ne1

So sorry for your loss, MJM. 

I agree about the Effexor. I suppose it might be okay for some people, but clearly it undermined what I was trying to accomplish. Who knew? 

Neophyte has some good information about ADs on My Way Out. I'd link to it, but the thread is full of the same caustic noise as all of the other threads on the meds section. I should show it to @Alice22, come to think of it. 

What's the meditation? My favorite at the moment is a Metta meditation. Seven minutes long, refocuses my head around other people for a little while and I love her voice. 

http://www.onbeing.org/blog/lovingkindness-metta-meditation-sylvia-boorstein/2599

What kind of car are you obsessing about? And how many do you own? 

Great news about the baclofen and being AF. It's working for me, too. The first couple (or more?) of AF days were hairy, but since then, I haven't been craving and keep forgetting to think about booze as a solution. It still surprises me. 

Thanks for updating, MJ. 

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MJM
On 11/21/2016 at 9:44 PM, Ne1 said:

What's the meditation? My favorite at the moment is a Metta meditation. Seven minutes long, refocuses my head around other people for a little while and I love her voice. 

http://www.onbeing.org/blog/lovingkindness-metta-meditation-sylvia-boorstein/2599

What kind of car are you obsessing about? And how many do you own? 

Great news about the baclofen and being AF. It's working for me, too. The first couple (or more?) of AF days were hairy, but since then, I haven't been craving and keep forgetting to think about booze as a solution. It still surprises me. 

It's by Bodhipaksa, called Clearing The Mind. It's free, although he charges for other meditations. 

My work involves cars and there has been a recent shift where it would be easier for me if I had my own tow vehicle. So I sold my small city run-about and am looking for a SUV. I have owned more than 80 cars since buying my first at age 16. I guess you could say that I like them...

So cars are one of my go-to feel goods, so of course that has been a major part of the motivation to change cars. I probably could have got by with getting loan SUVs for my work, but once I got it in my head to sell, that was it. Here's the thing, after being manic in my search for a SUV, I now can't find one good enough. That's a good sign, because so many times in the past I'd buy a car that was crap but I was so impulsive, thinking I'd miss out or something, and really regret the purchase. 

And here's the thing. I am running out of ways to get away from unpleasant feelings. Alcohol - despite titrating down to 180mg Bac - just zero interest. Cars? Well sort of, but I am even thinking that I could get by for a while w/out another car (we have a family car my wife drives, my 32 year-old old Holden and my motorcycle). Cigarettes do not a lot to get me high. I have been  eating more as a feel good in the evening, but given I hardly eating anything during the day I haven't put on weight (though not losing any more, which was my goal).

I'm titrating down on Bac because of the back pain. It is def muscular and unlike any back pain I have ever experienced. If I do certain exercises, it dissapears for a short while. Last night it woke me at 12am, despite me shifting around, I really wanted to go back to sleep. So I gave up, got up and went out to have a cigarette. Sitting down, I had no back pain.

I see my psychologist next week and it can't come soon enough. I'm worried about the fact that I feel a bit down, that there's no great excitement in life (!!!!! For fecksakes, didn't booze give me enough 'excitement' for five lifetimes???). I do get the occasional feeling of happiness, with the fact that it's evening and I'm sober. That it's a hot day and enjoying the heat on my skin (that's a being off Effexor thing).

I am also occasionally frustrated, snapping at something or somebody. That's the depression, but again I'm hoping that talking to the shrink will help there.

Work has been really hard of late. I have plenty in front of me but the motivation is just not there. I feel good when I complete something, but god it's hard to get there. 

Getting in some meditation in now (figured out how to get the meditation onto my new phone, thank christ!) and exercising, although not enough.

Overall I can see how I need Bac for quite some time as I try to teach my brain how to live without AL. THe thing is, I know that this sobriety has been much easier than previous efforts without Bac (in spite of the trouble I had with Bac while on Effexor). Not having AL cravings makes life much, much easier.  I have been engaging with my family a lot more, I am a lot more consistant with the kids and even though my work is not getting done with much haste, I have done all sorts of jobs around the house that have been waiting for me for years.

Edited by MJM
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Nicnak

I get the "life is boring without alcohol"...even though I don't crave it.

Life is a bit dead so to speak

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Ne1

Self-motivation is hard for me in the best of times. I just keep trying to do a "next right thing" even if it's trivial, mundane, or unrewarding in and of itself. 

I can't keep up with you, MJM! I thought you were some sort of photographer and/or writer. But you need to tow cars? For work? It's a riddle!

I didn't know that Effexor caused sweating. I found the experience really embarrassing, actually. I didn't used to sweat much, but I've never been overweight before either. I thought it was the extra insulation that made me look like I'd showered after even a little bit of exertion. 

Good news on the impulsivity. Bad news that there isn't anything that brings a 'high' in the moment, though. Something I think most of us struggle with after we get sober. I certainly miss it. Much more than I want to think about. 

 

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Ne1

Hey, can you link that free meditation? I couldn't find it when I searched the site. 

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Molly78

You might have covered this, @MJM, but have you thought of CBT?  Your psychologist can advise I'm sure.

2 hours ago, Ne1 said:

Bad news that there isn't anything that brings a 'high' in the moment, though.

Yep.  That's bad news for all of us who used alcohol for that purpose.  Let's face it, there isn't anything non-addictive which produces a pleasant high, search though we might. 

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MJM

@Ne1yes I'm a writer/photographer. Specialise in cars/RVs. Many RV manufacturers don't have a tow vehicle for me to use - or if they do, it's slathered in their decals - so that I can tow the trailer to a location that I can photograph it. Easier if I have my own, plus I can write tech stories on modifying a vehicle for towing using my car in the photoshoot.

Sorry Ne, I can't find the meditation link either! Vaguely remember you had to sign up to get it. He promised that he would send no spam, and as he's a Buddist, I tend to believe him.

@Molly78 yes CBT has been discussed and when I think about it yes this would be a good use for it! 

Summer has started here and I am loving the heat. Everyone around me complaining about it, but I feel the warmth on my skin and it feels good. Such a change from someone who spent most summers drenched in sweat. Bloody Effexor.

Something quite odd happened to me two days ago. I was out on a photoshoot in the bush, hot day, dusty. Smoking like crazy at every break in the morning. In the pm, I just decided I had enough. Enough of the mild nausea, the coughing, the hiding it from the kids, the expense, the time it takes out of the day.

I didn't smoke yesterday. The morning was effing hard, but got through sucking on nicotine lozenges then in the pm had my personal training session which really helped.

I don't quite know who I am at the moment, but I am beginning to like like this MJM character...

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MJM

One year ago today my Mum died, so it's a day marked by sadness.

I actually felt it more on Friday — last year the 11th was the second Friday of the month, this year it was the 9th.

I couldn't work much on Friday as a result, got some nice photos of Mum printed to give to my Dad and sister.

I can't quite describe to you what my indifference is like this time (that is, without Effexor), only that it is different. It feels as if I was living in a bubble when I was sober for those two-month streches last year. I don't remember facing my feelings much; only that I got depressed on a couple of occasions and then the cravings returned with a vengence - and I got drunk.

This time I can't escape the emotional pain. It's in my face. Not such a bad thing at all, because the pain does pass. Drinking only stores it up for another time.

It's the physical pain that's getting to me this time. I have had a sore lower back for about 14 months, about the time I reached 180mg Bac as I titrated up. As I've mentioned before, it's a pain that doesn't follow any convention; I know what back pain is, and this is different. 

I've also started to get sore/stiff joints, esp knee and ankle joints after rest or sitting for a while. I don't know what that's about but I feel like I'm falling apart!

Seeing my GP this week with the express intenion of getting a specialist referral for my falling-apart body.

I'm down to 160mg Bac and my back pain is a bit better. Still just as random but it seems less frequent a visitor.

So I've been looking for a tow vehicle and because it seems everyone suddenly needs a car before Xmas the vehicles I like are all cleared from the shelves, so to speak. None for sale. 

I am trying to be patient but was tripped-up yesterday by seeing a type of car for sale that I was fascinated by about 5 years ago.

Nothing all that exciting, it's a 2003 Cadillac Seville STS. It's very rare in Australia (this car was a used import from Japan, where they were sold new) and I like oddball cars. This one is also potentially good value, although parts are not going to be cheap for this thing. It also only tows 3500lbs (and I'll have to order a towbar for it) so it'll be small caravans and camper-trailers only if I buy it. We'll see...

 

 

 

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MJM

Play with fire and you'll get burnt... so I have been titrating down my Bac dose because I feel it's linked to my back ache.  I am down to 135mg, but have missed a couple evening doses this week as I've had a bad cold and have been falling asleep at 9pm or so. Most times I woke up a couple hours later and took the dose, but I think a couple of times I didn't.

We had an Xmas party last night and I got drunk. So back up on the Bac.

It was a stupid thing to do, going down on the Bac, but my back pain has been driving me nuts. I've just had X-rays taken of my back and a blood test and see the Dr next week to see if they show something. 

I'd rather put up with or at least try to manage the back pain properly than drink again. 

I have been feeling flat this week; the cold has not helped, but I have found my work really hard to do and it's... well, pretty boring.

 

 

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Molly78

I also have back pain.  I have a scoliosis - a twisting of the spine which many people over 60 have to some degree, but mine went from undetectable to very noticeable over the course of a summer during which I was titrating up on bac & still drinking.  At the same time I was pushing myself to do some heavy gardening work which I should really have contracted out to someone who knew what they were doing.

My theory (& it's only a theory) is that bac "relaxes" the core muscles of the body, perhaps allowing an underlying pre-existing condition to progress.

I am now doing pilates & yoga to try to limit the damage, but it's too little too late.  This week I went up from 150 mg to 180 mg due to a shitstorm at work which made me very stressed, & my back is noticeably more painful.

Several people taking bac report back pain, I'm the only one with a scoliosis as far as I know, but I guess other conditions could worsen if your core muscles lose the plot.

I hope you find out what's causing your pain & that it's remediable.  Scoliosis isn't, not for someone my age.  The spinal surgeon has told me they will only operate to release nerve entrapment, so I have that to look forward to!

I take  the view that I would be dead or dying of cirrhosis or some other complication of alcoholism by now if not for bac, so swings & roundabouts eh?

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MJM

It's been a while since I've updated my progress, so here goes...

Since I posted last time, I have been indifferent to AL except for one occasion on about 25 Jan. I think I missed a Bac dose the day before and well, I just got it in my head to drink... so I did.

The positive thing about it is that unlike so many times in the last 2 years (has it been that long??) is that the drinking didn't continue. Before, I'd have up to 2 months indifference, snap, and take weeks to reach indifference again – and only by titrating up on Bac.

I blame Effexor – I don't have clear medical evidence for it, plenty anecdotal on the Net though – for making me thirsty even on Bac. 

While I stopped smoking just over 3 weeks ago, I did smoke when drunk on the 25th and again yesterday I bought a packet a smoked during the day.

I haven't smoked today, sucking on the nicotine lozenges like crazy of course. 

Home life is stressful, even though it's kind-of an undercurrent. My wife's drinking is difficult to live with when I really think about it. The massive mood swings, the drunken swaying around every night, the not remembering a conversation from 5 min ago. 

I'm not really enjoying life. It's like I'm doing life, not embracing it. My writing is terrible. 

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MJM

Another update.... it's been a while!

I haven't had a drink since 20 Feb AFAIK – it's hard to remember. It's only by looking through posts here that I found that I mentioned drinking on this date. Well, all I know is that it has been quite a while.

I'm down to 125mg Bac a day. I have zero interest in AL, it's been like that for a while. I have been down from time to time, felt like I wanted to escape the negative feelings, but just don't get the cravings at all at the moment. 

I can't say that life is really enjoyable. I have brief moments of feeling good. I still don't get enough exercise, and all I hear about is just how good regular exercise is for depression. Why I don't get off my backside and do something on a regularly I don't know. Anyhoo...

My wife has had periods of up to 2 weeks AF, and they have been sooo good. She's taking Campral and Antibuse. We have a way to ge before our relationship starts to repair. I feel as though we're very distant at the moment. She has done a lot of damage to our relationship  in recent months with her drinking. I don't think she quite gets this. I'm feeling ambivalent about us. Maybe it's my depression, but I don't think that's entirely the case.

I've had a realisation about drinking. Seeing how my wife is sometimes, even when physically sober (between drinking) reminds me how fucked up we become as alcoholics. It reminded me of the times that I convinced myself of something completely irration when pissed, and carried that on when sober. For example, I took a dislike to my GP for some reason when pissed, and was about to stop seeing her. Even when sober I had it in my head that she was useless. That was based on a half-baked, drunken thought. Wow.

I've seen a specialist about my lower back pain. He doesn't thinkit's the Baclofen, rather atypical symptoms of spinal degeneration. So my spine is just getting old and is slowing falling apart and I seem to be getting usual pain as a result. I'm having an MRI in a couple of weeks to see if there is something else going on. Certainly the pain drives me crazy – when it suddenly appears for no apparent reason.

Nothing else to report. I've realised that I can't keep spending money on credit cards at the rate that I have. Need to buckle down and bring down my huge credit card debit...

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SKendall

MJM. I've read this thread with interest and Alice's opinion.  The point I would like to make is  regarding spinal surgery for scoliosis.  I have scoliosis and had 4 broken discs and had the opportunity to opt for the new minimally invasive surgery, Superion.  I walk my dog at night with a gentleman who had the traditional, so I can compare. TR - 3-5 days in hospital with morphine for pain, Superion 2 hours; TR have to wear knee or back brace, Superion none.  Recovery TR at least a year, Superion 6 weeks and tylenol with codeine from day 1.

In the Superion method, a small incision is made and a stainless steel spacer is installed, the spacer is then opened like a pair of scissors and screwed in, thus relieving the nerve from being crushed by the veterbrae.  I'm not sure if you have it there because here only a handful of  spine surgeons do it.  It does require the surgeon to train on this method.  Considering the alternate method I am grateful to him for saving me pain and time.  I once  asked my doctor which was the hardest AD to quit and she said Effexor.  I am on a combination of Lexapro and Wellbutrim and doing very well.  I also took Mirtazapine for a while and it was very good, but I gained 25 lbs. due to night-time hunger.

Good luck.

 

 

 

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MJM

I drank again this week – twice. The first time was at a work function, where I was feeling incredibly stressed about doing a piece to camera. The function was at a winery, with a wine-matched meal. I felt the cravings arrive mid-afternoon, and they sort of came and went. I didn't think I would drink in the end, but of course I did.

I didn't drink more than anyone else and by 10.30 I wanted my bed, didn't even finish the glass I had. I was drunk though, that's for sure.

Then I drank at home last night. Well actually went out to the pub as well, for about an hour and a half. 

It's obvious that I don't have the capacity to have the occasional drink – that's why being sober all the time is important to me. Last time I drank about 4 months ago, I didn't have much. This time I called it quits, didn't finish my beer etc but still had a heap to drink. And it takes me days to recover from a drunk.

I'm trying to not give myself a hard time about it, but something has to change. Just using Bac is not enough. I sound like a broken record, but until I find a routine of exercise and mediation, and try to avoid the stressful jobs, I'm not going to have enduring sobriety. Depression has a part to play here too; I have been depressed off and on for months.

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Nicnak

@MJM

im almost completely off back now and in the past 12 days I've drunk 3 times and hate myself for it.I can seem to goes days without drinking then feel I need a reward.Going to try to not give in this week.

What I'm going to do about Bac in a few months I don't know,I'm just so unfortunate that it affects my bowels so badly and it can't be good long term using strong laxatives 

Anyway,hang in there and one day at a time

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Molly78
10 hours ago, MJM said:

I'm trying to not give myself a hard time about it,

Please don't.  I posted under What's new June in response to your news, but felt that my post wasn't very supportive of you.  I wonder if your depression is the reason you are giving yourself such a hard time?  I mean 4 months without a drink is an amazing achievement!  A couple of slip-ups under stress is surely allowable?

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StuckinLA

Hey @MJM, trying to find the best way to be supportive as well. Long term, day in day out AF is probably the best route for many of us, but the kind of tough love that makes someone feel worthless is not the answer. It's OK to take some time to sort things out and get on track. I second @Molly78, 4 months is great! A few slips shouldn't drag your self-image to hell.

12 hours ago, MJM said:

It's obvious that I don't have the capacity to have the occasional drink

I feel you. I can't seem to have the occasional anything - not even the occasional M&M. The last two months it's been pot every single night. Amazing how quickly that turned into a daily routine, almost necessity. And freaking ice cream bars. Found some good vegan coconut ice creams and ohmygod I'm such a fatty! Like, seriously it's ridiculous.

Anyway, just trying to say that we end up on paths we'd rather not take. And seem to fall into holding patterns until some external force says "enough." I wish there were rhyme or reason behind it, but it rarely feels that way.

Sending love and support.

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MJM

I'm back again... my visits here are very sporadic, it seems.

I have been drinking here and there recently, a couple times not too much and a couple times heavily enough to make me have an all-day hang-over following the drunk.

It's been a week since I had a drink. It was during a work trip; usually they feed you contantly but this mob did almost the opposite - by the time we had got to the restaurant for dinner I was starving. And craving AL for some reason. Anyway, I drank, but only maybe 3-4 beers before and during dinner. 

Next afternoon I vowed I wouldn't be put in that position again. Even though I had had a good lunch (well, a sandwich, but that's usually enough for me) I bought a sandwich when we arrived back in town and prior to dinner. I knew by the shabby PR of the whole event that we could be eating dinner in 5 min of arriving at the venue or 5 hours later.

Anyway, while I was away I went for 30min walk each morning, and I have kept up with exercise since coming back home. I thought that made a difference but then my wife became depressed. She takes it out on me. I am, simply, a poor excuse for a human being to her during those times.

I won't go into it too much here, but I wonder how much longer can I take this. I want to say to my wife that if I am so much hard work, if I am so hard to live with, then what are we doing together? Why is she here?

I don't know how much longer I can cope with it. Every evening, she gets drunk. Most evenings, I couldn't care less about the booze (although it's true some nights I do have a craving) but it's more that she makes me uncomfortable. I don't like watching her get pissed. I usually run and hide. 

I am sooo close to getting a script for Mirtazapine again. My Dr gave me a script last year but I've lost it. I hate the idea of being on ADs but what choice do I have? This sucks.

 

 

 

 

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Nicnak

I can sympathise with the marital problems mjm,sometimes I think he really doesn't know me even after 26 years of marriage!

As for the anti depressants,sometimes we need a bit of extra help.My doc thinks I'm taking Prozac but stopped as I'm worried about the effects on the Baclofen.Im back to titrating up.On 60mg at the mo

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Alice22

I tried doing without an antidepressant for a long time but depression just wouldn't lift.  I started Wellbutrin and it's working, so far.  Once you feel better, your marriage situation might not seem so bad or you might  be able to see clearly what you need to do to to get out or make it better.  

I take just a small dose of mirtazipine at night for sleep.  I think @empyr3al is on it and it also helps him to not drink. 

Good Luck @MJM

 

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empyr3al

Yeah mirtazapine is good, you can vary the amounts 15, 30, 45.  Studies have found it effective to lowered alc use and sometimes AF.  The odd thing is that if you are a cigarette smoker it changes your dose.  You take it at night and it gives you the munchies so its kind of backwards.  I got back to my perfect BMI using it.  Its also sedating so its odd, i cut it up and use it sporadically during the day.  Not the approved way, but my doctor said try it out so i take small portions during the day.  I'd say I'm at around 25-30mg, 20 at night and small 1/4s during the day so I can still function and because I am a smoker (quit for 3 years ... bummer).  Cutting it up is better than benzo's imho.

Thats my advice for mirtazapine.

As for other ones like prozac, who knows thats been 25 years since I tested it.  SSRI and SNRIs are a shot in the dark. Sometimes newer is not better.  Pristiq (desvelafaxine) is known to cause an increase in drinking, Trintellix caused me crazy emotions and then blackouts while drinking which has never occoured before.

For me Mirtazapine is best and I've customized how its used.  It's also really cheap if that is a concern. Not for me as I can get anything for free without a fill charge even, so 600$ in AD meds would not scare my benefits or my dr.  Yet I choose a cheaper one our of patent because it freaking works.  Shoot I'm using $600-$700 a month plus vitamins currently.  Not a doctor, just my experience.

Don't get me started on the marriage thing and the psychological abuse.

Edited by empyr3al
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Molly78

@MJM I can so identify with the hunger thing - in fact the HALT acronym (hungry, angry, lonely, tired I think but could be wrong!) is the one bit of AA I can relate to.  I find it so important to eat as soon as | get in in the evening, because once I have done so, I am unlikely to even think about drinking.  In my past life I would come home, pour a glass of wine & sometimes still be drinking at 10 pm without having eaten.

Sorry to hear about your marriage problems.  It must be so hard to stay abstinent while living with an active alcoholic.  I don't know how you have managed so well to date despite the odd lapse.

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