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The End of my Addiction

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Showing content with the highest reputation since 03/04/2016 in all areas

  1. 9 points
    Good morning, everybody. Suppose I haven't updated or really checked in in a while. So I'm done with holiday travel, home and then the conference. A little sniffly from being out in the cold a lot, and a tad bit jetlagged, but otherwise doing fine. Classes started yesterday and went fine - though none of the little bastards had the textbook. (Ugh, who shows up to the first day of class without the books? 70 students at my school, apparently.) Philadelphia was ok - the conference/convention. I went to a bunch of panel discussions, some were interesting and some were really terrible and stupid. Didn't get the chance to get out much, but did see the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall, and also saw the house where Edgar Allen Poe lived for a few years. And I got a bunch of free books at the publishers' exhibits, well, if you count 8 as a bunch. Barely fit everything back into my suitcase. Decided I'm not going to this conference again unless I am presenting a paper or I have an interview scheduled. A little over 30 days AF. Sleep is pretty good overall. Trying to move past the sugar cravings and the impulsive shopping. I've mostly stopped buying things online (looking at my credit card bills helped). And there's a few things left I want to do with my car to get it set up where it feels like mine, but I'm going to wait a month or two until my bills are back under control. And while peanut M&Ms are still an ever-present temptation, been pretty good about cutting down on those and switching at least from ice cream to frozen yogurt. And working on getting back to mostly vegetarian now that the travel is done for a while. Well, working on that. Small steps I guess. Need to make an appointment for a checkup, and get moving on all the psychotherapy promises I'd made last month. Amazing how easy it is to put that stuff off. But I'm going to do it, this weekend probably. Look for a doc in the area and also a shrink or therapist or two. We'll see how that goes. Been trying to write most mornings, getting a tiny bit of exercise, and reading a lot (or at least reading more than watching Netflix, which I consider a win). And things are good with the girl. She stayed over last night. She hasn't been feeling good this week, we think it's stress from work. But we had a nice time relaxing here and watching TV in bed. I made a sandwich for her and the other night I took soup over to her at her place. So we are OK more or less. And that's about it. Going to try to get some work done today, and maybe get a massage. Haven't done that in a while, and my shoulders are really whacked from carrying my bag loaded down with books n' crap all weekend in Philly. Plus I just like to be a spoiled brat and get massages .
  2. 8 points
    Hi all, I originally wrote my story on mywayout.org, which was instrumental in assisting me. The "being part of something" that the forum at the time invoked was massive (and Ne must take credit for that as well), unfortunately it's gone now, but hopefully will be replaced by this forum. I think it's extremely helpful to have a system in place when you do something like this. Particularly, I found that because baclofen is such a weird experience, it really feels like something that, let alone a doctor, but a team of people, should be around you whilst you're going through. Having taken several mind-altering drugs, my experience is that few of them actually compare with baclofen, both in terms of immediate effect, and far-reaching consequences... (ellipsis for effect!). Meanwhile, back at the ranch, help is unavailable from all quarters... People unaccustomed to feeling different as a result of chemicals (apart from booze, of course!), may well find themselves uncomfortable when going this route, when their doctor has advised against it. That said, I cannot stress enough what a difference taking this drug has made to my life. It really is like one of those fairly-tale stories, and even involves big-pharma, for those who dig conspiracies. Get another doctor. Do it. I was a fun drinker. I mean, I had fun, but not many other people did. I was fortunate that, apart from car crashes (in Zimbabwe, drunk driving depends on how much money you're caught with), arguments, and the imminent dissolution of marriage as a result of being fucked every night, there were "minimal" consequences. I hadn't gone as far down the road as some, but I had the road firmly in my sights, and was accelerating. And accelerating gladly. In a discussion with my wife just prior to baclofen, I had declared that I would rather have booze than my family, and was sincere. In a a last ditch effort, I Googled alcoholism cures, and lo and fucking behold, but some of them pop up. Coming from a rehab background, this was incredible. Having been at rehab, why the fuck had this not been discussed, especially considering that I had specifically mentioned that to me it felt like something was wrong in my head, and had nothing to do with morals; surely this should have at least been mentioned? My original thread on mywayout was entitled something along the lines of "fucking unbelievable", IRRC. Anyway, that aside, on a January morning in 2011 I went to the Dr, and laid out my spiel. This being Zimbabwe, he immediately went and gave me a prescription for 240mg, despite me forgetting all my literature at home, which I went up to in about 3 weeks, It's not a titration i would recommend, but I would like to point here that going up on baclofen is not necessarily something to feared - I had several highly enjoyable experiences - at one point, for several days, I felt like I was on ecstacy, at other times my vision was all weird, but in a good way, and a lot of the time I felt like I was pleasantly stoned. On the hole, I actually enjoyed my titration experience. This, in the face of a titration that was probably way too fast, my personality came out, and I wanted to see what this drug could do for me. Note that this is an unusual experience, and the quicker you go, the more likely you are to feel odd - if that sits with you ok, then go for it. Amidst all the weird feelings, and red eyes (which made work kind of tough, but the more you do baclofen the more you can adjust and measure it's effects, to the point where after a year at most, there are no effects to manage), and looking kind of spaced, something very strange happened to me. At dinner on the 21st of January, 2011, after one glass of wine, I suddenly felt the wine wasn't... sitting well doesn't describe it, there was simply no urge to have another. This was an actual feeling that I can remember clearly, it being the first time it had ever happened to me... This in mid-dinner, that was normally a prelude to a party. I was floored. I was with my wife, and tears actually came out of my eyes. I was in mid-drink, and suddenly I was voluntarily putting a handbrake on. Something that had only happened if I was extremely hung, and my body couldn't take anymore. Here, at the beginning of a session, I was ready to just talk to people and chill. Bliss settled in for a while. I had the ability to drink a couple, then relax, go to bed, and be "normal". Man, this is taking too long - I want to give it some attention, but need an early night - I'll carry on when I get back from camping. If you're thinking of trying baclofen at this point, I can only urge you to give it a try, There are still a few bumps in my story, and life is far from perfect, but this chemical has made it possible for the problems to be of my making, rather than a chemical imbalance in my brain that dominated my life up to 2011. I wish you the same success, with this problem, and all the others. Better living through chemistry. Back in a week or so..., stay good everyone.
  3. 6 points
    Well at the suggestion of a fellow member who has no experience of AA I am starting a thread here about my experiences of that organisation. It may be a bit out of place in this forum but as it was suggested here goes. I am aware that some or maybe the majority of you may well have been to AA in your attempts to quit drinking so I will just say from the outset that these are my views and that they are from my perspective only. For those who don't have any experience of AA, I hope this is enlightening. The basics are as follows: AA was started prior to WW2 in the USA. There were two main founders. The essential principle of the organisation or 'fellowship' is it is generally known by its members, is that a 'higher power' of a spiritual nature is able to remove the craving to consume alcohol when all else has failed. AA famously offers a program which offers 12 Steps to help you get and stay sober. I won't list them here for the sake of brevity and in any case most people probably know at least some of them. If not here's a link: http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/About-AA/The-12-Steps-of-AA The basic idea is to 'give up', admit you have no control over your drinking (or using) and rely oh the higher power to help you deal with it all and do the heavy lifting. The program then assists you in what one might loosely call a therapeutic way to deal with the reasons and root causes of your reasons for drinking, to make amends to people you have hurt while drinking and to make a better person of you altogether. It is worth saying that the program has hardly changed in the decades since the 1940s when it took off. The literature, including the 'Big Book' which contains the stories of some of the early founders and also some of the program principles, has had a few updates, but remains essentially the same as it was in 1950 or earlier. AA has been 'the only game in town' until really quite recently – perhaps until the early 90s. It is a huge organisation, with chapters or 'intergroups' in almost every medium sized and bigger town in the USA, the UK, much of Europe and the rest of the world. I'm not sure anyone knows how many groups there are in existence but it certainly numbers in the tens to hundreds of thousands. It has no central organising power as such, just a coordination structure which keeps a few organizing principles together. Every group is in fact independent, though rather oddly perhaps very much alike in most respects. So how do AA meetings work? Well the first thing to say is that meetings of local groups do not recruit new members but work by 'attraction'. There are regional telephone help systems and probably the majority of people make initial contact through that (I did) or their GP/health professional. Local groups often make people available to meet someone who is desperate for help and will take them to their first meeting – a daunting experience for many. The meetings vary in size. A few local small groups might only get four or five people attending, but some of the large city groups may have up to a hundred or more. The meetings begin with some routine ground rules and usually a thought for the day or prayer and then someone reads a section from the Big Book or some other sobriety related material occasionally. Usually a theme emerges. Often a guest speaker from another group then talks for 15 minutes or so about an issue related to their sobriety journey – occasionally a 'drunkalogue'. The meeting is then thrown open for people to 'share' as it is termed. There is no discussion, challenging or cross talk – people say their bit and then the next person does theirs. Usually there's a break half way through and the meeting ends after in total 90 minutes. The 'shares' are to me the most important and helpful part of the whole business. Listening to the trials and tribulations, the successes and positives of people's experiences can be really uplifting. Given that many alcohol dependent people have things in common one often finds oneself 'identifying' with people – a term one often hears. One also makes friends if one wishes to and meeting up for a coffee or whatnot with them can be really helpful as well as a way to make new and helpful friendships. I go the AA meetings because of this very powerful aspect of the meetings. I have recently returned to meetings after managing to stop (again) because of these benefits. Now to the down side from my perspective. In the UK the Higher Power issue is less pronounced than in the USA where is is generally assumed I think to mean 'god'. The 12 Steps infer god even if it isn't explicit. As an atheist I can't accept that. There is a lot more to say about this issue but not here I think. Step #1 insists that you accept that you are 'powerless over alcohol'. For many people this simply isn't the case and it is a contradiction really in my view as many people abstains and attend AA without accepting this completely – that in itself proves the contradiction. AA stresses that there is no 'cure' for alcoholism/addiction but that abstaining and attending AA is in effect a remission. The folklore is that your 'alcoholism' carries on in parallel with your sobriety and if you start drinking again you are further along the path to total ruin. The Steps programme is a bit weird really. It recognises alcohol addiction/alcoholism as a disease but the program suggests a lot of concentration on your 'character defects'. Again more to be said. AA has many aspects of what one might term a 'cult'. It is blinkered, remains stuck in a bit of a time warp and has its own dogma. There are a couple of big HOWEVERs. Firstly, at least here in the UK anyway, you are free to 'take what you need and leave the rest' (I don't know if it feels like that in the USA). You can attend as many meetings as you like and nobody can or will insist you do anything you don't wish to or believe anything you don't wish to. Many people do. People are incredibly friendly for the most part and very welcoming. It can feel really hard to attend your first meeting but in the vast majority of cases you will be made very welcome. Finally – there are lots of sober people there who have 'made it' long term. The stats for AA's success rate are heavily debated and according to some research is not very high. All I can say is that locally there is a core of people who go to meetings regularly – maybe twenty five or so, who are long term sober (and this is a small city). To conclude: Personally I go to meetings because while doing so I have had the longest periods of freedom from alcohol in my life – and much of my adult life has been spent drinking too much. I take what I want and 'leave the rest' after much wrestling with myself. (I should add here that there is a growing agnostic/atheist movement, including alternative 12 Steps floating around these days – lots on the net). Alcohol addiction can be truly isolating. For me it is really refreshing to meet and interact properly with people, to choose who you would like to get friendly with and to share your experience and journey with them. It can be very positive indeed! If you are struggling to stop drinking it is certainly worth a go! Happy to respond to any points. Apologies for the length!
  4. 6 points
    Hi Folks Enjoy Dr Amanda Stafford’s videos on Baclofen against alcoholism. Dr Amanda Stafford’s is working on Emergency Department, Royal Perth Hospital (Australia). Practical Protocol for Prescribing Baclofen From one man’s experience to 100,000 patients Abstinence or Social Drinking on Baclofen? Baclofen Assisted Alcohol Withdrawl Paris to Perth - How I found Baclofen Does Baclofen help with other addictions? How long does Baclofen treatment need to be for? Why does Baclofen fail in some patients? Anxiety and Alcoholism - the missing piece of the puzzle What other treatments can help when treating alcoholism with baclofen? If Baclofen is so great why isn’t everyone using it already? Tips for Tough Cases Why Baclofen is not PBS subsidised for alcohol addiction treatment? Slow release Baclofen - Is it possible? DonQuixote
  5. 5 points
    Hullooooooo! @StuckinLA, I feel ya'. More than you know. I am obsessed with drinking at the moment. It ebbs and flows, but this week, in the evenings, it's been tough. Again, there's no way I wouldn't have caved if it wouldn't completely freak my husband out. I think. Who knows? Anyway, it is definitely hard to credit myself for being sober all this time when it feels like things are, like I am, still such a mess. Totally different from the first time I got sober, which also messes with my mind a bit. Glad what I said made you feel good, and that you hang on to it. When I first got out of rehab, people were amazed at how good I looked and yadda yadda. Now? Not so much. I mean, I don't know if that was true then, and I definitely don't think it's true now. Whatever. I'm rambling. Wish I could drink, but I can't, so there. I'm pretty sure that this is the longest I've ever gone without any alcohol at all. I know it is. In my entire adult life. Not saying it's not going to happen at some point, because that freaks me the hell out, but it's not going to happen today. And no, based on what you've said and how I'm feeling, I don't know if using pot makes the wish for drinks any more enticing. I don't know how you feel about it, but when I crave something, it's for THAT thing, and that thing alone. So if it's a Reese's, MnMs won't cut it. And if it's Haagen Dasz Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream, Everything But The isn't going to work. Plus, I'm a drunk. I like booze. I've taken and used other things, but none of 'em come close to my one true love. You? How was the interview and what does next semester look like? @empyr3al, Jack Russel's scare me. Seriously. The only dog that ever came close to biting me and it was aiming for my throat. Don't get me wrong, that was a seriously troubled pooch, but still. I also fostered one for a minute until I realized that it was smarter than I was and had 17x the energy of most mammals. More like a hummingbird. But she's a mix, and Shih Tzu's are sweet and lovely. Maybe the perfect balance? Do you have the pup yet? It'll be interesting to see if you get baclofen from your specialist. I hope so. It's actually pretty encouraging that you got even 30mg from your GP. Keep us tuned in. @Nicnak, how goes it, sister? Is today day 9? (Not that I'm counting for you!) I have definitely had the experience of losing interest in booze after titrating down some. I don't think that's an uncommon phenomenon, actually, especially for people who take loads of it. How long 'til you're completely off? How's your husband doing? Are you going to meetings and all that jazz with him? @terryk, Terryk's in the house! Woot!! Thanks, friend. So far so good. I guess. I've been AWOL again, obvs. Been playing with a friend of mine on a business plan to expand her business, and helping her shop for wedding dresses. I think I mentioned here (but maybe not) that I was heartbroken because I wasn't asked to be in the wedding, and she's my bestestFF. I didn't say anything to her, didn't want it to be a thing, and really didn't want to overreact, which I'm doing with everything these days. Turns out she's not having a wedding party. I'm an idiot. But, glad I didn't make a big deal out of it, and glad, too, to be able to just continue our relationship as usual. She's always been my rock, and is really helpful these days. Went to my parent's house in Baltimore, too. It was a good visit, which surprised me. No heavy stuff. No eye-rolling, no "What're you going to do with your life?" or "What are you waiting for?" I got up the nerve to tell them that I didn't want to go to my brother's house next month, that I didn't think it would be good for me. And you know what? They just said that I had to do what's best for me and they'd support the decision either way. WHAT?!? Also did some shopping, went to the Sunday farmer's market, bought some art from Marc Cottman's gallery. And walked Pete all over the city in the very early morning before it was scorching hot. Fun stuff. I'm suddenly on a mission to get artwork up on my walls. And get the house in order and ready for company, which is funny, since we haven't even had anyone over for dinner in a couple of years, much less a get-together. But I think it all means that I'm coming out of depression. As I wrote to friends, climbing out from the depths of nihilistic despair, or at least resigned to the fact that suicide really isn't a viable option, so might as well just get on with things. Ed jokes that every time I meet someone, if I like them at all, I ask them to dinner, without bothering to check with him. Random strangers for dinner (that doesn't sound right) is fun. Or could be again. Right? I just don't know what I'd talk about right now... Politics and religion are out, for obvious reasons. I haven't worked or done anything interesting in forever, except an all expenses trip to Williamsburg for rehab. woohooo. Hmmm. One last story, and a bitchy one at that. My mom decided to give me a bunch of her jewelry, because, among other pieces, her rings don't fit her anymore. Costume, mostly, but also three rings, all sapphires and diamonds. BIG sapphires and diamonds. Anyway. She hadn't talked to my dad about it, so she did that while I was making dinner. Came back upstairs and told me that they agreed that they should offer them first to my sister-in-law, because I'm inheriting my grandmother's jewelry when my mom dies. I was like, wait. I have to wait 20-30 years, and you're giving the woman who is dripping in diamonds, more diamonds? Remember, or for those of you who don't know, my brother is a Big Deal in finance. Like in the Wall Street Journal kind of big. My sister-in-law's diamond earrings would buy a new car, without exaggeration. They live where movie stars live. My brother just finished getting his MBA from Harvard. And I'm the smart one in the family, ffs. I know this is whiney. I know I am a petty and miserable human being. But can some of you, or at least one of you, understand my pain? Yes, yes. It's self-induced. And depression lies. And self-worth is not defined by financial or career or personal success. Except when it is, which is ALWAYS. Three beautiful, blond, skiing, surfing, smart California kids, and they just got a dog, who is already trained for God's sake. Someone shoot me. *sigh* Rant over. Oh, let me mention that my sister-in-law has run marathons, done triathlons, is in better shape than she was when she was young, and has always been an unapologetic vegetarian? You know what she's not? Thoughtful, communicative, empathetic... Sorry. I'm done now. Terrible way to end my first post in a week, but whatevs. It's what I have.
  6. 5 points
    I was reading this today in reference to reducing Baclofen. Interesting stuff and along the lines of what we''re discussing. http://baclofentreatment.com/practice-guides/how-long-does-baclofen-treatment-need-to-be-for/
  7. 5 points
    What's up, February? Lord, are we really almost a week in already? Nothing much going on here, just working on job applications this weekend and trying to get my pudgy self to the gym. I have zero concentration these days, very little motivation, and without doing anything all day I still manage to be tired as hell by early evening. Not drinking, at least. In a couple days it will be 60 AF. Don't get me wrong, been thinking about drinking off and on more than I'd like. Hanging in there, though. Hope ya'll are doing the same, or better.
  8. 5 points
    I've got a job interview this afternoon for a non-profit!! A real job that actually contributes to something other than buying stuff! More later. Xx
  9. 5 points
    Dear Felina, thank you very much for your reply. I was literally crying when posting my plea. I currently have some Baclofen 10mg, maybe 40 tablets. They were left from the time when I tried to self medicate. I have just ordered another lot of 100 tablets 10mg online. So I will start on these, as per the guide you kindly provided.In fact, I have already taken one tablet. I have another delivery from abroad of Baclofen 25mg. I cannot believe my luck finding this site. I cannot describe in words how happy I am to have people out there who truly understand the struggle. I will definitely be a constant on this site! May I ask you on what dosage you are now? And does it help? I really want to come off booze completely. I shall be sticking to the guide and will let you know how I am doing. To be honest, to me personally any side effects would be better that the ones from alcohol. Many thanks for your help again. Kindest regards.
  10. 5 points
    Combining different brands shouldn't be an issue, although because each generic uses their own formula of binders and fillers to hold the medication together in a pill, sometimes some people find that they have a sensitivity to certain brands. The only advice I would offer is to introduce the new brand gradually, and if you are switching entirely from one brand to another to do it like this: Week 1: 100% Brand A, Week 2: 75% Brand A + 25% Brand B, Week 3: 50% Brand A + 50% Brand B, Week 4: 25% Brand A + 75% Brand B, Week 5: 100% Brand B -tk
  11. 5 points
    @Ne1, that particular Hyperbole and a Half has long been one of my favoriite Internet posts of all time. Doesn't it describe depression to a T? And in the most funny, relatable way. The creator of that site is a genius. I remember how well I hid my alcoholism from everyone. From the way I staggered my alcohol purchases so I would never buy beer (or whatever) at a particular place more than once every couple of weeks, to the way I hid my empties so the recycling guys or neighbors wouldn't think worse of me. Another one of my favorite memes since it of course fit me so well:
  12. 5 points
    Welcome, guardian. Several others have told the same story - achieved indifference, reduced the bac, left it off altogether....then back to square one. Well not quite. As you say, you are in a much better place now than 6 years ago - not least because you know what the answer is!
  13. 5 points
    Today is double digits day. AF 10 days. Not too bad today, actually. My brain may be working a little better. I was able to help my daughter with a paper -- a feminist critique of Madame Bovary -- for H.S. sophomore English. Wtf. She is in AP English, but damn. I got a literature degree and don't remember writing that kind of stuff. After that, we drove to the grocery store at 9:30 -- usually I am way too inebriated to do that. Or asleep. So, perhaps things are looking up. I feel y'all's pain though. I think I'm having a bit easier time (at the moment) because I saw a break in the overwhelming depression and swam like hell to try and get some AF time under my belt before that wave crashes on top of me again. That's some weird metaphorical shit there, but makes sense to me. Seeing Chiropractor once a week and P.T. every other week seems to have eased the head/nerve pain some. I'm not near ready to think about lowering doses on anything, so less nerve pain is good. Have a week off coming up and will be off the computer, which will help. Of course, I'm taking the 16 year olds to Iceland, which will be exciting and interesting and all those things that people say about those kinds of adventures. But to say I'm an anxious traveler is a huge understatement. Still 10 days out, an my mind starting to rev up. Ok. Just writing about it stressed me out. Gotta go now. Take some drugs.
  14. 5 points
    Lis, thank you for your post. Distraction by means of mother nature is the best, I live in the Northwest and there is a forest close to my house. I used to go and meditate imagining that I was planted in that forest and it brought me so much peace, as well as chanterelle mushrooms, lol. Otter, how is life for you at the moment? MomTJ, how are you? Ill bet you are a very good listener.
  15. 5 points
    11 mile a gallon Chevy or a Prius? - lol, only one winner for me - And it involves stopping at the pump alot... No seriously - What a bleeding pain - What are you going to do - Whats the state of the DUI? - Here I would find something on ebay to get around for a while until you get sorted? - Not sure of the options where you are - Sorry Oi!! - Getting battered is not going to help you resolve your current issues - Plus on Thursday, when you have to sort stuff out you will feel like shit and want to put it off - Sorry to sound "preachy" - But you know I say what I feel Anyway chin up girl - I am always behind you guys (pnar pnar) Regards Bacman
  16. 5 points
    Thank you @KUYA, I feel the same way regarding fats and sugar. I actually seek out saturated fats (grass-fed/pastured animal fats, coconut/MCT oil and red palm oil) and try to eat them more often rather than cut them out of my diet. My sugar-and-canola oil-eating family's heads explode when I tell them about my diet. Sugar is the devil. But damn, it is an attractive devil, and it's a real struggle to avoid.
  17. 4 points
    I'm not sure what the rules are here about starting a new check-in month, but let's see what happens. Seemed silly adding a comment to May when, well, it's not May anymore. What a crazy few weeks it has been. I stopped smoking about 3 weeks ago using Zyban. I had hoped that it would also work as an anti-depressant (it's the same drug as the anti-depressant Wellbutrin) but as I posted in the May check-in, it did the opposite for me. I became anxious (a known side-effect), more than I have been in a long time. I stopped taking the Zyban just over a week ago because I could not stand the anxiety and, well, depression. Crying a lot, when I think about it, about my mum - who died 2.5 years ago, feeling bad about poor decisions I've made etc. I became so depressed this week (although the anxiety left soon after stopping Zyban, thank christ) that for the first time ever when sober I began to think of ways to end it all. That was a bit scary. That bleak view of the world, where I could not see me being in it any longer, seems to have lifted in the last day or two. I have not been able to work much in the last week or two either. I'm hoping as my mood lifts (just hope it does) that I will also be able to work properly again. A friend reminded me last night that I have done some fairly significant stuff lately. Have not had a drink for 3 months (longest period sober in many years, although I have done 2 month stretches often since starting to take bac 3 yrs ago) and have stopped smoking. I think it is so hard because I no longer have the alcohol, cigarettes or anything else in my life that allows me to escape or brings me happiness. Not my family, not hobbies. It's not such a great space to be in, even though I am sober, nicotine-free and exercising for 30min a day. Oh, I have been getting stuck into food in the last week, so my weight is creeping up a bit. At least I have one of the seven deadly sins going on. I've started seeing a psychologist again although i don't know what help she is really giving me at the moment. My wife has not been drinking much at all for the last week or so, as she's been taking Naltrexone. I'd like to say I've noticed what a difference that makes but there's been so much else going on for me that I haven't really noticed. It's true that the new-found relief from not being hung-over or ashamed about drunken behavior doesn't last very long when you stay sober. Life is still life, and it can still suck. At least you have a fighting chance of fixing shit in your life. For some of us, there seems to be a fair bit of shit that the drinking was covering up.
  18. 4 points
    Hi everyone well after saying I was done with baclofen after failing to reach indifference and constipation I have tried it again because without it I was drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a day. Ive reached almost indifference at 150mg a day.I say almost because I still have vague thoughts of alcohol but have not felt like I needed a drink since Saturday. Ive been like this before in a way that I’ve wanted a drink but couldn’t drink more than a glass but thought I had to go back to zero and start again because I’ve had true indifference and wanted that again,but I’m very happy with this state of mind now. still got major constipation and can only go with strong constipation relief but I will persevere.I think I have what is called anismus.
  19. 4 points
    Well,I went up to 200mg on Sunday and hey presto!.... on Monday I was indifferent.I really thought I wouldn’t get there again and I’m so relieved.But I’m also apprehensive,we will just have to see how it goes.
  20. 4 points
    Hi all, just a quick hello. Am very grateful for the support I got here 3 or so weeks ago when I fell off the wagon. Back to situation 'normal', which for me is no drinking, no exercise, no real happiness and smoking. I had a run of mistakes in my work - three stories, an error in each - that just about killed me. I hate making mistakes, and thought around then that I had better go find another job. Anyway, I'm over that now. I think recovering from drinking does take away some brain power but also maybe I'm that bit more sensitive. I am trying to get some, any exercise in place of having to go back to antidepressants, but the fact remains that my mood has been low for months...
  21. 4 points
  22. 4 points
    Hi @StuckinLA. Are you still dating the girl? Haven't heard much about her. Glad you're sober even if bored! Happy May everyone. Still hanging in there. Not much going on but we're enjoying the warmer weather.
  23. 4 points
    Happy April Fool's Day! I feel like the fool. It's been a tough week. I'm hoping that April brings a little bit more equanimity in Ne-land. I go to a 7:30am meeting, M-F. Everything was unicorns and rainbows for the first couple of weeks after I got out of treatment. Really good way to start the day, with several people I admire running the show. And a couple of other women who are in similar situations; new-ish to sobriety, not on their first go-round, live nearby and as a bonus, I really like one of them a lot. Then The Bully showed up. I won't go into details, because they're irrelevant. But he's a physically imposing guy, pissed off at the world in general, but with years of sobriety and a grudge. People started leaving. I can't stand a bully. And I don't back down in the face of one. But it's anxiety-inducing and totally exhausting. Things worked out, sort of, with a business meeting and a consensus that his behavior was unacceptable blah, blah, blah. But I am still torn between my natural inclination, to face him down, and what I think is my need for serenity to start my day. If I leave, he wins. If I stay, I lose. I can't decide. And since it's tainting my life in other ways, I think I should run. It reminds me a lot of the situation some of us faced on the other forum, which resulted in the creation of this one. That wasn't a win-win, either. But it was a good compromise. I've nominally decided to start meditating for a couple of hours each day. It's based on Kyle Cease's experiment with 100 days of daily meditation, for two hours each day. He's got a lot to sell, these days, because he's created a whole industry out of it (and good for him!). But the bottom line is that he sat, with his eyes closed, in his bed or a comfy chair, for two hours every single day. I like the idea. Simple. Not easy, but not rocket science, and no money or special equipment involved. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPBd3BtSFw4 It feels like a fun thing that I'm starting on April Fool's Day. Other than that, today, and this whole month, holds lots of yard work and maybe, just maybe, getting a job. But probably not.
  24. 4 points
    Otter, you have definitely received your share of adversity. If I may offer this? when kids grow up in alcoholic families they suffer from abandonment and anger issues which are exaggerated in teens. They think discipline is hypocritical with memories of dysfunction. It behooves you and your wife to reach out because life is a series of relationship. He needs to be emotionally stable to have adult friends, marry happily, etc. Through your writing I can sense your attitude on giving up. His disrespect and immersion into video games are indicators. I hate video games and a study including law students and the ones who played games were much lower achievers. There won't be an immediate fix, but it is truly worth the effort.
  25. 4 points
    Hi all - haven't been around much, but figured I should check in in January before it's February. Sheesh, where'd this month go? Anyway, keeping busy with work and still AF. Not much going on. Hope everyone is ok and the l-theanine and magnesium works for those trying that. Reminds me I ought to take a nice long hot bath with some epsom salts.
  26. 4 points
    Happy new year Otter. I am not sure if I have mentioned this here but I am anecdotally convinced that gastric reduction leads to alcoholism. I know of five women (now six) four of whom had NO alcohol issues before surgery but who started drinking alcoholically after. It seemed to kick in after a year of successful weight loss. One of them was a work colleague and it destroyed her career. I was still drinking secretly and felt so helpless and useless. I believe this so strongly I have steered my son away from this surgery in spite of his weight and diabetes issues. He already binge drinks a little but is aware it needs to stop. I have a theory from my own past history of progressing from anorexia to increased alcohol over many years. I think the brain and body quickly adapt to the reduction in real food by pushing you to crave alcohol for alternative fuel. We think we can 'bypass' evolution but we cannot. On a positive side I have found a happy way of eating now that keeps me healthy, content and losing weight gradually (23 kg in six months). i hope your wife continues with her improvement....you have been to hell and back this year.
  27. 4 points
    Just wanted to check in -- I"ve been up and down but I am having more good days then bad. Still AF at 110 mgs bac and 900mgs gabapentin. I switched up the dosing, taking 50mg before bed and 20 mg 3x a day at even intervals. I'm a little less tired and more motivated. I have things to do every day, appointments, school stuff, Christmas stuff, cooking cleaning. Just all the things normal people do every day. It feels kind of new to me, like I'm re-learning how to live. For a long time I didn't want to leave the house because I was afraid I'd be tempted to buy liquor. It wasn't so long ago that I would buy a bottle of wine, drink most of it in the parking lot and go grocery shopping. I don't feel triggered or tempted when I grocery shop now, I just feel really bad for a few minutes, ashamed and mad at myself for this past behavior. Then I might feel hopeful for a few minutes, and feel like I am moving forward. So it's kind of like that, I have myriad emotions, bursts of energy and clarity and then all of sudden depression hits. I've been fighting it though, and I think it is lifting a bit. I am trying to live just moment to moment really, and it helps to not think too much, just get up and move and try to "do the next right thing" ( I think this might be an AA slogan). I volunteered again to work the concession stand at my son's track meet. I liked it last week and I'm embarrassed my son is a senior and I have not participated at all in his high school stuff. And I liked one of the other moms a lot too, I hope she's there today. I want to post more later and thank you @Ne1 for the tutorial on citing specific posts. I need more time to figure it out because I am so bad with this stuff and my Mac is really old and the text is so faint it takes a while to read everything. I have to get going though, have to finish dinner then make Rice Krispie treats for the track meet.
  28. 4 points
    I'm feeling better, just over the past couple of days . I reinstated gabapentin to 900 mg a day at my psychiatrist's suggestion and the depression seems to be lifting. Decided against an AD for now but he suggested a "light box" . You sit in front of it for 30 minutes/day. Typically used for Seasonal Affective Disorder but he says it's used for all types depression. Insurance is supposed to cover it but they were useless when I called so I'm just going to buy my own. They range in price but you can get one for @$100. So I'm a little excited about that. @Ne1 Thanks for the encouragement and I know things will improve because I have hours and days where I feel so much better. And it's like everyone here says, not craving and chasing alcohol constantly is worth the discomfort of SEs, I just hope eventually I feel ok. @Molly78you are very right I just want a pill to make me feel better instantly. I took vyvanse for years (stimulant add med) and I would feel GREAT right after, for a few hours anyway, so I think I'm chasing that feeling. Alcohol did that too. Now I have to find ways to feel good without chemicals and it's a struggle. I don't have a job or many friends or social connections so I have to build all this stuff back and it's hard especially at my age (55) . Right now the thought of alcohol makes me sick and the few times I drank on baclofen were not fun. Not like it once was , and I know it likely will never feel good again. I miss that. So now I have to be like a normal person and find ways to feel "high on life".
  29. 4 points
    @Molly78 the Guardian has an online US version that I check out quite a bit, but that wasn't how I found this article. I follow Mark's Daily Apple, a paleo-focused blog that provides very informed content, all backed by science (with links to studies included): http://www.marksdailyapple.com/blog/ The Guardian article was linked on one of Mark's "Sunday Link Love" posts, which are collections of interesting/funny/relevant articles from the week.
  30. 4 points
    I concur with @Ne1 you are on a downward spiral. I've been following your posts and frankly I feel sick for you. I remember being where you are and it was hell. But I had my husband around to pull me out, I may have died if I was alone. And this is why I'm so worried about you. It sounds like you want someone to intervene and help stop this craziness. Maybe reach out to your parents or your girl and tell them you need some help? You are loved by many people, I have no doubt . So call someone today. Last year between rehabs I was so drunk and so scared I was going to die I ran over to my neighbor's house sobbing and pathetic and she dropped everything and just helped me. We talked and drank tea and turns out she has lots of alcoholism/addiction in her family. Anyway, I didn't even know her that well but she didn't hesitate a second and now she is the one local person I talk to about this mess. So there are people all around you who would be happy to help. Just surrender and call somebody.
  31. 4 points
    Nice to read your posts before I left for the gallery opening last night. Thank you. Especially your thought @MJM that it's his insecurity that makes him so arrogant. Unfortunately, I was awkward and uncomfortable. (The new bangs did not help! Women'll understand.) Ed was mad at me because I didn't do anything around here and wasn't ready when he got home. We didn't speak on the drive to the show. Then I inadvertently insulted not only Le Artiste, referring to his age, about which he's very sensitive. I compounded that several times, all without thinking and without intending to do so. Also inadvertently insulted the gallery owners, and our mutual friend, when talking with the owners. I obsessed about it for several hours and then realized it just doesn't matter. Not one of them thought about it after I walked away. We all think about the "I" of the thing, and they had much more to think about than me. So no worries. Whew. Fortunately, I didn't drink, and I didn't take any antabuse. I figured that the antabuse, by taking the choice away, would just guarantee a reflexive binge when I did have the choice. You know? I guess I don't like bossy pharmaceuticals any more than I like bossy cars. It's a new theme I'm recognizing in my life! No tolerance for bossy things. Except myself. Accept myself! ha. I'm so close to an entire week AF that it's all but impossible to think of taking a drink today or tomorrow. Not going to self-sabotage this one, y'all! Worried about you, Stuck, obviously.
  32. 4 points
    @StuckinLA, thinking of you, too, my friend. about 10 days ago I was about there. I've never been an around the clock drinker, but I was on my knees. Full on hand-shaking, knee-knocking, cold-sweat-running withdrawals Friday before last. Didn't want to drink, because I would have been seriously sick and I can still sometimes manage to avoid that by thinking about how it feels. Couldn't sleep. Didn't want to take anything to 'feel better' without making sure I wasn't going to just start drinking again. Talked/texted to Pdoc and she prescribed some stuff for withdrawals, with the understanding that I would Full. Stop. drinking. Didn't work. I mean, the meds did. But I still can't fucking white knuckle more than a day or two. We agreed that if I do in fact need detox next time, I'm checking in somewhere. And honestly, if the roller coaster keeps bringing me back to that carriage house, I'm checking in somewhere to get some time abstinent. I can't take it anymore. Started bac on Wednesday, and suddenly the sun is shining and the birds are singing and I have hope that I'll get (and stay) sober again this year. Without spending thousands or needing to check in and dry out. (Please God. That said, I just can't keep this up. It's too fucking painful. I'll sign the IOU in a heartbeat if I get back to where I was just a week and a half ago.) I want to tell you this: Part of that is that I have wasted too much fucking time on this. It's sucked too much of my life from me. I wanted kids, dammit! I kept thinking...tomorrow. Next week. Next year. Someday. I want to get an advanced degree! I'm 47 years old and I the clock is ticking LOUDLY. My parents are young (69) and I've watched their energy levels and abilities plummet in the last couple of years. They're still working, but they've got new body parts and take naps and my mom, who never slept later than 5am in her life, sleeps until 8am. Fuck, man. Time is short. Start taking some pills. Get your life.
  33. 4 points
    Hi, good afternoon - this is my first post here, so I'll keep it to a few paragraphs, as I expect to be writing more in the days and weeks ahead. The reason I'm here is because, like many posters, I have struggled with alcohol use and abuse for many years. I'm now in my mid-thirties, and am lucky enough to have quite a happy life. I am married, live in a nice house in a nice town, and have a good job which I enjoy (though obviously, it is still work and comes with both busy and quiet times). Bottom line, I am not a depressed or unhappy person; mostly. I am, however, a little odd when it comes to my sense of what I view as an appropriate system of rewards and relaxation for myself. That system has developed away from alcohol as being a recreational indulgence, and towards a daily 'work is over, let's chill out with a drink' routine. And, we're not just talking a glass of wine with dinner here. At the moment, having about two litres of beer per day is not abnormal for me (and that's on weekdays). Due in part to my age, and my work and home responsibilities, getting blackout drunk (or to the point of being a couple of drinks shy of it) is not something that happens very often at all; possibly once or twice per year, though this used to be much more when I was a student. There are times when I'm away with work that I'll deliberately stay out late drinking, just because I know that I can. The part of my brain that governs (!) my alcohol intake declares open season on drinking because 'there's no reason not to do it'. Well... I can think of a few. But, they aren't convincing enough to me when the time comes to make the decision. I mean, everyone else in the bar is drinking, what's the problem..? The problem is, it's bad for me. It makes me feel and look worse than I should. It gives me a rather bizarre frame of reference for managing finances, where spending £50 over the course of a few days on beer doesn't give me pause for thought, but spending the same on a pair of trousers actually does. Of buying the trousers, I'll think 'Do I really need these trousers?' - never asking myself the same question about the beers. Hey, of course I don't need them, I'm just chilling out. Only, I'm not even doing that any more, because my tolerance is high enough that four beers doesn't have much of a relaxing effect on me these days. It tends to make me fancy another four beers. So, what am I actually doing it for? Mostly, I conclude, because I did it yesterday, and am thus expecting to do it again today. Simple as that. Last Friday, I read an article in a popular UK newspaper that told the stories of Samuel Blaise, and of Olivier Ameisen. I was impressed enough that I've spent the weekend listening to videos and reading articles about baclofen - specifically around why it helps to adjust the reward mechanic that goes on in the brains of people like me. I am not expecting to take baclofen and become a new person in short order, but I am hoping that it may help me to point my impulses away from the bottle and towards something a little more rewarding in life. Further, I feel that - for the first time in my life - I should be in touch with people who have experienced similar problems. There's clearly much to learn from doing so, so this is my first step. I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you for reading.
  34. 4 points
    OMG - I am not sure if anyone remembers but a while ago I was trying to get my GP to prescribe and support my Baclofen journey - She has seen a improvement in my own health since my stroke in March 2015 and told me she would think about it - She is really cool but as a junior GP in the practice, I thought she would be governed by the old fuddy duddies that run the show? Well, I booked my 3 month appointment and was about to send her the link to Amanda Staffords report on the German report conference but I could not find my email so searched and guess what, I found her reply in my spam box So, I may be closer to 50 than 40 but I am excited I keep reading it and trying to convince myself she is not going to prescribe and support, or just support - I don't really know now - What do others read into her email? If she prescribes, I don't think she realises how BIG this is..... Don't worry about pissing on my chips, I am a big boy now Regards (Like a child at Christmas) Bacman
  35. 4 points
    @MJM. Once I hit indifference, it was almost like that was just step one. I then had to deal with other things like why I drank. I was also depressed. My mind still wasn't firing on all cylinders. I experienced the hunger and sweets cravings. Things are certainly Improving, but it took me by surprise that just quitting or reducing the AL didn't solve all my problems. I used alcohol for lots of reasons. As a crutch and a reward and an escape and I needed to work through all that and change my thinking. Identifying your triggers is a great idea. Good luck
  36. 4 points
  37. 4 points
    @Ne1 IMO, I don't think your anxiety and depression are well controlled and that's where your 'fear of working' is coming from. Are you describing these feelings in therapy? Does she think you should increase your AD? I just went on an antidepressant because I'm still dealing with issues since I've lost my alcohol crutch, so what do I know. AL is so helpful when you just want to stick your head in the sand. I understand the temptation to drink though, even when indifferent, because of the desire to ease anxiety or escape from problems or as @DunDrinkn says lots of other reasons (HALT). The difference is that I CAN'T because even two drinks will set me on the road to detox mode where I pace the floors for days afterwards at bedtime. We all need to find other alternatives. A new happy place. Exercise helps. Ugh, we should start a new thread about how to replace alcohol when you go AF. Mom2
  38. 4 points
    Thanks @Molly78 that is good info and great advice. I am focusing on not drinking until I hit my switch- today is day 7 AF and I'm steadily increasing my baclofen dosage. I really want the switch to happen and you are right, with my back also- drinking isn't really an option. Sooooo....... last night it actually happened. So embarrassed to say this but I peed the bed. This was one of my biggest fears when starting baclofen. Luckily I woke up right after and changed and put a towel over the wet-spot. Luckily it was on my side of the bed so my wife wasn't affected. However, I do need to call her soon and ask her to wash the linens- that is going to be a fun call! I can't say for sure if it was the baclofen though. I did take my last dose of baclofen late last night at 9:30 (I usually end at 8pm). However I also took my prescribed muscle relaxer (Flexeril) at 10pm so that might have been the culprit as well. I think just to be safe, I'm going to stop drinking anything tonight by 9pm. This will be hard as I usually drink a ton of water in the evenings. I usually go to bed at 11am and hopefully that will help me to avoid another incident!
  39. 4 points
    Hiya Ne. You are a rock. You will win. It's that easy. It's all about the journey anyway, what would be the fun in getting it right straight away, something else would crop up to rock your world and make you think that this was now a bigger issue. I just wanted to say that by no means has it worked out right every time, each time has been an experiment and a journey, that has been fraught with shit. I make light of the situation, but its a situation filled with each day of life that has to be lived through, with all the attendant shit. Baclofen has made it easier, no doubt, and its no exaggeration to say that I would not be where I am today if not for it, but its still been life, all the way through, and not roses! Roses would be boring anyway. I wish I had something to say that applied to your situation. You deserve this to be easy, and I think it will be, but for some reason its not right now. Because it is easy when it works, its ridiculously easy. It doesn't make sense, and it breaks all the rules. I don't know. Force yourself to do a week, no matter what, go stay with your parents, live in a cave, dig a hole, and then see what happens - you know the power of it when it works. Best of luck Ne.
  40. 4 points
    Respectfully disagree there about Neitzsche. He would say we should be more braggy, more self-absorbed. The Uber-Mensch, the Blond Beast (yes, he actually used that exact term). No, I am not internalizing the AA character defects, or the thing about being incapable of honesty. Just working on being me, and figuring out why I decided to drink on Friday night, and why that became drinking all day Saturday and then also all day Sunday, and why there's whiskey in my coffee this morning. AA is something external that I can do for the girl - she was everywhichway pissed at me from Saturday on. She sent a text saying we'd agreed to go to meetings together, and she was going to go to the Monday (tonight) meeting in my neighborhood, with or without me. Had to call her on her bullshit there, which wasn't fun. 1) We did not agree on going to meetings together. She said she would go with me to as many or as few as I needed her to go to, if at all. 2) It is pretty upsetting that she would co-opt something that helps me once in a while but doesn't always help. That said, again, it is a thing that I can do that she sees, and that seems to help her realize that I'm trying. The rest of the fight she doesn't see, right? But a meeting she sees. So we're going tonight, even though I'm half fucking drunk already today. The only thing I'm internalizing is the fact that I haven't written shit over the weekend. There's some stuff in my journal, and a paragraph for the novel that's pretty good, but nothing typed up. And all I want to do is listen to music or watch news and interviews about socialism and the (limited) future of the Sanders campaign. And then fucking Orlando. Jesus. A heavily-armed man was arrested on his way to the LA Pride Parade yesterday. I am so, so glad the girl didn't go to the parade - she was thinking about it. I'm certain friends of mine were there. Screw us all. This country sucks.
  41. 4 points
    Thanks for the responses. Nice to know people are interested. Bacman - I think my issues work as follows: I am a 'naturally' anxious person - probably above the norm. And I discovered that alcohol is a brilliant short term 'cure' for that condition. It also of course, if used habitually, causes anxiety - makes it much worse in fact. It is a double whammy. When I have managed to stop - most recently for about 11 months, my anxiety levels dropped, but not to a place where I felt relaxed and content - it was still there. Alcohol has the sole virtue of eliminating it completely, if very temporarily. As to trying baclofen again - the truth is, as I look back at the experience - that it scared the hell out of me. Not only did I have weird and at times unpleasant side effects, but I felt the lack of medical support was making me pretty vulnerable. There were some nights when I was at 140 mg (as I recall) where I felt I was almost suffocating and had pretty awful claustrophobia/panic sensations. Sorry to sound so negative. Life has its pluses and I do have good days when the weight of it feels less onerous. I have a great family life, am financially secure and that sort of stuff. So I should not complain too much. I was going to go back to AA incidentally - that was how I did the eleven months. It is still an option I think about most days - despite disagreeing with nearly everything it stands for!
  42. 4 points
    Hi guys 'n' gals, I hope that you're all travelling well. I'm not, but that's okay. In the last 12 months, I have been sober for more than six -- thanks to Baclofen. Mostly in two-month chunks. My road to indifference has been full of potholes. Yet thanks to sober time, my career has gone off. I have not ever been so busy. Yet I am here writing this drunk. I leave to Europe in less than 48 hours, and my wish to be more than a week sober isn't going to be fulfilled. I admire Ne and LIS for their ability to read posts, absorb them and give valuable feedback. I am not well enough to do that. I am sorry for being such a depressing element to this forum. This song is a bit depressing, but rather oddly, it gives me hope. That makes no sense and I'll be first to admit it. Anyway, if you've not heard this before, enjoy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SiylvmFI_8
  43. 4 points
    First the direct question about gabapentin - Yes, it had been making me tired/lethargic in the afternoons. Almost as bad as bac, if I'm remembering correctly. Falling asleep at the computer kind of thing. But I was trying for 1800mg/day, so I scaled back. In the little while I've been taking it this time around, I find that if I do 600mg per dose, the afternoon gets real sleepy. So the past couple days I've taken a 300mg pill in the morning and then one mid-afternoon, and only take 600mg around bedtime. My sleep is still shit, but it's getting better, the gaba seems to help, and I'm still in the very early days of abstinence. I'm still meaning to get around to reading that book chapter from A Prescription for Alcoholics, 'cause I'm pretty much flying blind at the moment. Haha. As for AA, the last meeting I went to was Friday morning. I'm going to miss tonight, because Bob Odenkirk (Better Call Saul) will be at a local bookstore and there's no way I'm missing that. Tomorrow I'll miss that Agnostic meeting that I really liked because, well, because well the FUCKING PRIMARY I WILL BE OUT ALL AFTERNOON CANVASSING and then glued to election coverage at home. I shouldn't say "all afternoon." I've been doing 3 hours a day - Saturday, yesterday, today, tomorrow. Back to AA: the more I think about it, the more skeevy it gets. The more you internalize Step 1 - powerless against alcohol - the more you believe it. That and the 4th and 5th Steps - the searching and fearless moral inventory, then sharing every single detail of your personal life and moral failings with a sponsor. That's the kind of fishing for embarrassing and personal secrets that Scientology uses to reel you in and never let you go. Aside from the regular brainwashing, the "total honesty" of AA feels like code for something more sinister. The closer you look at the Big Book, the more you see it: This Is The Only Way, If We Are Not 100% Honest We Will Die kind of rhetoric. Not that I haven't seen handfuls of happily-Sober people in the rooms these past couple weeks, it just feels gross when looked at from a particular angle. Anyway, regardless of what I do, I have no intention of getting a sponsor or working the steps, at least not with anyone else. Nor do I have any intention of drinking right now. Though I ran across one of the girl's Tweets about relaxing in front of the TV on a Sunday afternoon with a beer, and that sounded damned good. Not going to lie. And a cold beer at the air-conditioned bar after knocking on doors in the 90-degree heat Saturday afternoon, that sounded pretty nice, too. Still, I'm good. At least for today, I think. Thanks for all the support on this thread, you all are the best people. Hope it's a good one for you today.
  44. 4 points
    Thanks, Missy! I do feel pretty healthy these days. I just realized the other day that I’m a month away from being sober (alcohol, anyway) for a year. That’s amazing for me. I’ve never lasted more than a couple months before until I’d cave to cravings. I should probably start to come down from my switch dose one of these days, considering I hit indifference last September, but I’m too chicken sh*t. Oh well, at least the bac doesn’t make me tired and I’m able to do athletic things. SK - Thanks for the recommendations. Ne also mentioned Jon Kabat Zinn, and he’s on youtube (free!), so I think I’ll start there. And I’m sorry to hear he’s back. I’m almost afraid to look.
  45. 4 points
    At this point, any sober time is well done. Seriously. I know you can't see, Stuck, where you are and how much the drinking negatively affects everything, but I can. And yes, one of the truisms spouted in AA is that alcoholism is an extremely selfish disease, and also that treatment of it can (or needs?) to be selfish, in a way, as well. Though I've seen both those adages abused by the most selfish people I've ever met...Anyway. Honestly, if I were your girlfriend, I'd be running, not walking, away from you. Why on earth wouldn't she? And that's coming from me! The woman who has an almost limitless amount of sympathy, empathy and compassion for what we struggle with. And who believes that everyone in our lives should understand it isn't about them at all, and if they were true to us, would support us completely and wholeheartedly while we struggle for our lives. But are you? Honestly? Is that what you want, is your life back? Doesn't sound like it to me. What I'm wondering is what it's going to take to get you to do something or anything to change the pattern you're in. I'm tired of it, honestly. It's as though you expect, by some miracle, to be able to do this life-altering change, without changing anything. I hate to be a hard-ass, you know I'm not. But for fuck's sake, Stuck. When are you going to get so sick and tired of being sick and tired that you do SOMETHING to change the routine of bingeing and bemoaning and cursing and fucking CHANGE anything so that you have a chance to get better. I don't believe that you believe that it will be better without booze. I am here to tell you that EVERYTHING is better without booze. Everything. Relationships. Reality. Finances. Even your love for your pets, which is sappy as shit, but understandable in the moment. <sigh> I am not trying to make you feel worse. I'm trying to light a fire under your ass and help you see that you are throwing away days that will end up being the cumulation of your life. Maybe it's because I'm stuck in a place right now of endless regrets and remorse about all of the things and people and places and opportunities I've thrown away in my life. That's probably why I'm so frustrated with you, honestly. But it doesn't change the fact that you aren't changing anything. And I wonder why you're here, if you don't want to change anything? You know that I love you. Not in a superficial, anonymous-online-forum, love all my tribe kind of way. You and I have been through some shit together and I value your friendship and I love reading your posts. And hearing from you outside of EOMA. But come on, man. Reading this makes me want to drink until I'm as delusional as you are. And I know that place, and that place sucks ass. I'm not going back there and I fucking hate that you're there now. It reminds me that when you were getting sober, actually abstinent on baclofen, you kept going back to the same bar. How was that not going to end up with you drinking again? It's a foregone conclusion that the same patterns guarantee the same results. That's funny, because I see the opposite. Not only that, I don't think your drunk posts are legit. That's not Truth and Honesty. It's the opposite of that. How do I know? Because I've known you for a long time and I've experienced what it's like to write over the period of several years without doing it wasted. I know what it feels like to connect to the universe in a fundamental way because of booze, too. And to connect with other people because of booze in a really profound way. But sober trumps drunk in every way. Don't delude yourself that it doesn't just because you're not feeling it now. Just because you don't think you write better after a couple of days of sobriety doesn't mean that you won't write MUCH better after some real sober time. 'Tis truth. Plus, you may actually write. Just sayin' (again and again and again) There is a way. When he's not drinking he IS writing a novel. I'm pretty sure that he's aiming for Ernest Hemingway and/or David Foster Wallace or one of those other greats who lived large and died young. Poor Poe just died from rabies. Not nearly glamorous or dramatic enough... Sorry for all the harsh shit in this post. I shouldn't hit the "Submit Reply" button, but I'm gonna anyway. I know that when I'm extremely frustrated/angry/flummoxed with someone else it's because I'm looking in the mirror and don't like what I see. But I guess that's why I'm going to hit the Submit Reply button, Stuck, because I've been right where you are and it sucked so bad and I didn't do anything about it until the walls came down around me and the floor fell out from under me. I hope it doesn't happen to you like that. That's all. I wish I could avoid it for you...
  46. 4 points
    Always interesting to see how people process information, say from a degree etc and of course 'healer heal thyself'. Depends what you do with the info and how deep you are willing to go with yourself. To be technical as I understand Psychology is a set of theories, not necessarily how it relates to you or how to apply it. I made enquiries after I was offered access to friends of friends who are psychology lecturers, to help proof read my coursework (I really found post-grad stuff, in a 'humanity' subject very, very hard to get my head around). There were also confidentiality issues, and the fact we wrote in a mixture of 3rd and 1st person (lot of self-reflection). One thing I always remember is 'You can't control other people, you can control yourself' and that's really helped me in my recovery. Not sure I can keep up with this thread, but I'm here, and I'm another day AF. They just pile up and become inconsequential until I give myself a slap across the face and say "Look where you have come from". I've also been clear of bulimia for quite a long time. I don't have a date but it's almost a year since my last physical purge, and over 6 months since I had what I call a 'binge'. Did eat a load of chocolate at Christmas but that was planned, not in secret and none of the previous secrecy.
  47. 4 points
    Bitter sweet... I know what that means. My wife is in bed having relapsed but I note the link to my site has now been picked up by the Journal of the Royal Pharmaceutical Society. So, my work wasn't for nothing and the RPS is like the US NIH. My translation of the Prescribing Guide is referred to in the article and my web site is cited in the Bibliography. http://www.pharmaceutical-journal.com/news-and-analysis/feature/baclofen-from-standard-treatment-for-spasticity-to-managing-alcoholism/11122223.article
  48. 4 points
    Buckle up and get ready for a ramble. I just don't have it in me to respond to everyone's really actually super cool and important posts. Lis, my heart breaks hearing how vulnerable you are feeling right now. I've been drunk about 5 or 6 days solid now. I cancelled my classes on Thursday and didn't go into work that day. Friday I did. Somehow I'm always at my most inspiring when I'm fucked up and at my worst point. I stood in front of that room and damn, 45 young women were glued, hanging on my every word. I can still do that once in a while. At the end, after my second class, one of my girls came up to the front of the room and gave me a hug. She just opened up her arms and wrapped them around me. There is a big part of me that is hurting, that is falling to pieces, and really needed that hug. That part of me wanted to just let myself go, just be held and cradled for a minute with someone who is trying to help. Then there's the other part of me, and that part realized that I'm a 36 year old man, and a professor, and drunk, and this is an 18 or 19 year old girl. So I patted her on the shoulder and said something like "you are darling, thank you" and then sent her on her way. Then I left my car at work. I called a cab. Took a cab home. You know, sometimes it's the decisions we feel the most ashamed of that are the best decisions. I got too drunk - because I took a water bottle of vodka/cranberry to work and was drinking in front of the class - I got too drunk to make it home. I got in the car and thought, no, no this isn't worth it, and then got a cab home. I called my parents just to hear their voices. And then spent an hour trying to convince them that no one needs to get on an airplane and come take me to an institution. And then I spent the next couple days getting wasted. My grad school friend insisted on coming over last night. We traumatized my rabbit and I've spent the entire morning trying to get him (the rabbit) out from under the living room chair to eat. We went to the bar, my usual bar, and as soon as I walked in my bartender said I couldn't be served. When we got home, a long talk ensued - at the tail end of which I went into my closet and got a rope and tied it up and basically dared my friend to hang himself. I'm so tired of him being suicidal. And this morning I almost - almost - got rid of the booze and sobered up. But instead I didn't. And I'm out of cigarettes. So here I am, picking butts out of the ashtray and lighting them. So that's my Sunday. Maybe I should go to church. It is the Lord's day, after all. Instead I think I'll just watch this a couple more times:
  49. 4 points
    We've all believed for years that weight gain is due to expending less energy than we consume. That would makes sense if the form of the energy didn't matter, but it does. 100 calories from fat affects us differently than 100 from carbs or 100 from protein. As odd as it seems, carbs drive fat gain more than protein does and dietary fat, calorie for calorie, is the least likely to cause body fat gain. http://www.caloriegate.com/calories-in-calories-out/9-more-experts-lay-waste-to-the-calories-in-calories-out-cico-model-of-obesity A person who is very overweight can be consuming very little food but if the type of food and frequency of intake keep insulin high (e.g. High-carb, low-fat meals and snacks throughout the day), the body fat cannot be accessed because of the signals to the body it constantly receives from the insulin (store incoming food as fat and don't break down for energy any fat you already have). The person actually is starving, despite what it looks like to others. Imagine how confusing and frustrating it is for them to be doing everything "right" but to still be fat and judged to be lazy, self-indulgent liars. They aren't - they are stuck in a metabolic trap set by our current dietary advice. Certain medications also change the body's hormonal balance, setting up weight gain that is essentially independent of calorie intake. Two physicians have great websites concerning weight loss but more importantly, metabolic health and disease prevention: http://www.dietdoctor.com/ https://intensivedietarymanagement.com/ Ne, you mentioned that your triglycerides are way too high. They come not from dietary fat but from carbs. You might find that a low-carb, high-fat diet would help with that, which can be a serious problem, and with the added weight you want to drop.
  50. 3 points
    Ne, If you go to rehab and you have to introduce yourself in a meeting just say you have alcoholism. As far as powerlessness goes maybe have a look back and see if you have moments and times of bring powerless over alcohol. You write as if this happens From all you've written I'd love for you to gain confidence. I'd love for you to find a goal that you really like/love that you want so bad that escape and alcohol don't stand a chance. Whatever you decide I wish you tons of luck.
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