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The End of my Addiction



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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A duck walks into a bar and he asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

"Grapes?" the bartender asks. "Why would a bar have grapes? No, we don't have any grapes."

With his beak towards the floor, the duck waddles out of the bar.

However, the next day, the duck walks into that same bar. He waddles up to the counter with his feet flapping against the wooden floor with every step.

"Do you have any grapes?" the duck asks.

"I told you yesterday," the bartender says. "We don't have any grapes."

And, the duck leaves.

However, wouldn't you believe it, that same duck walks into that same bar and asks that same question the very next afternoon.

"Do you have any grapes?" the duck asks.

"Listen," the bartender says. "If you come in here one more time and ask for grapes, I will staple your feet to the floor."

The duck shrugs it off. He waddles out of the bar, and the night comes and goes. Finally, at noon the next day, the door to the bar opens, and lo and behold, there is the duck. Timidly, he walks to the counter. The bartender sees him, and he shakes his head.

"Hello, sir," the duck says. "Do you have any staples?"

"Staples?" the bartender asks. "Why would a bar have staples? No, we don't have any staples."

"Well," the duck says. "Then do you have any grapes?" 

Edited by terryk
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What's the difference between a psychiatrist & a tick?

The tick drops off when he's finished sucking your blood.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has really got to want to change.


(I have a lot of psychiatrist jokes, they're all equally bad.)

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I LOVE shrink jokes. Despite the fact that I love my pDoc and am amazed by her and grateful for her experience and wisdom...I've seen too many who deserve to be the butt of jokes. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" 
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: 
I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. 
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. 
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. 
The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. 
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. 
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has shit his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father shagging the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. 
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." 
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." 

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."    

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  • 3 years later...

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