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The End of my Addiction

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Molly78

Quote of the week indeed.

Unfortunately, a degree in psychology only allows you to see how others have f*cked up - it doesn't bestow insight into your own behaviour.

Ne, I'm glad you survived & had a chance to offload onto your doctor.

As T2Q says, " it's time to get your shit together". I keep thinking you need a routine, maybe a not too exacting job to tide you over til the autumn. I find my inclination to drink is zero on a day when I have to get up early & work all day, come home, eat - there's nothing left of the day. On the other hand, today is Saturday, I'm at home with nothing to do, the weather is shit, I find my thoughts straying to a glass of wine with lunch. I won't enjoy it, it won't make me feel any better, but the thought is there. (I'm fighting it!) Plus if you're not working you can afford to have hangovers! Plus the money would help, surely?

Sorry if that sounds too simplistic. 

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phoenix

Always interesting to see how people process information, say from a degree etc and of course 'healer heal thyself'. Depends what you do with the info and how deep you are willing to go with yourself.

To be technical as I understand Psychology is a set of theories, not necessarily how it relates to you or how to apply it. I made enquiries after I was offered access to friends of friends who are psychology lecturers, to help proof read my coursework (I really found post-grad stuff, in a 'humanity' subject very, very hard to get my head around). There were also confidentiality issues, and the fact we wrote in a mixture of 3rd and 1st person (lot of self-reflection).

One thing I always remember is 'You can't control other people,  you can control yourself' and that's really helped me in my recovery.

Not sure I can keep up with this thread, but I'm here, and I'm another day AF. They just pile up and become inconsequential until I give myself a slap across the face and say "Look where you have come from". I've also been clear of bulimia for quite a long time. I don't have a date but it's almost a year since my last physical purge, and over 6 months since I had what I call a 'binge'. Did eat a load of chocolate at Christmas but that was planned, not in secret and none of the previous secrecy.

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Lostinspace

Ne - I’m glad you’re back :) I was worried about you. (Sorry for the late response). I’ve had mini-meltdowns like that where I couldn’t talk to anyone about anything, too. It sucks. I’m glad you’re feeling better and so good to hear that you’re exercising. It really does make a difference. The dragon boating team that I joined has turned out to be really athletic and intense. The practices are an hour and a half long, and I can barely keep paddling by the end, but I always feel amazing afterwards. Anyway, I’m sorry about your sh*t weekend and your mom responding to you like that. I hope you’re able to leave her not so helpful words behind and work on ways to ease and lift out of the depression for yourself - because you deserve to be happy and whole!

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MJM

So I'm pretty well f---ed up. I drank Friday night (lots), last night (some) and tonight (on my way; some or lots, we'll see).

What I have discovered about Bac (for me) is this: it works, it really does, to stop cravings in their tracks, once you've hit the switch.

From there on, everyone has a different story, it seems. 

Ameisen really set out the guts of it, in his book. His book, The End Of My Addiction, is like AA's Big Book ('Alcoholics Anonymous'), without the Jesus and ginger ale. It's more like an owner's manual than AA's bible, for Al-addicted Bac users.

As Ameisen pointed out, exercise, meditation, other outlets are important when taking Bac. Do without these at your peril.

As Otter pointed out recently about his wife, taking on a huge load is tempting for one with freshly minted sobriety, yet this too is a trap. 

I did this, without thinking. As a freelance writer, you never say no to work: do so, and editors soon forget you.

With my freshly-minted sobriety, I have always been available, write good, clean copy and don't cause problem. So I keep getting asked to do more.

Problem is, I am also the primary carer for our two kids, have had bouts of depression and more recently, that lovely butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling of anxiety. How I welcomed those back. Not. The perfect shit storm.

Add that little event that happened six months ago (my mother's death) and I have had a little bit too much life to deal with, for this little black duck.

I'm sorry for being such a truculent runt (Google 'Gough Whitlam' to see where I got that excellent phrase) but here I am, in all my glory. 

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StuckinLA

This is the thread where all my friends are. I miss you guys, and I keep forgetting to check in on the checking in thread. 

Lis, I miss you sweetie and I'm thinking of you.

Ne, text me back for goodness' sake. I'm worried about you or maybe worried that you are worried about me, or whatever. Just let me know you're ok.

MJM. Man, I am so jealous. I know freelance writing must be a hellhole from which there is little escape. But you're living my dream and my nightmare all at once right now.

Love you guys.

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StuckinLA

Everything goes dark, the sun falls from the sky and slides behind those mountains on the horizon, finally. So I listen to Johnny Cash and The National.

I am so goddamned sad. I have so many papers to grade. Here's another night and another lonely bed. Everything here is over, it's all done, and I can't get myself to pull the pieces back together. I'm so sorry, everyone. 

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bleep

Shit dude, pull back a little. There's been a mountain of posting going on, so I am behind, but it's never as bad as you think it is. Hang in there, the sun will be up tomorrow. 

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Ne1

Hi, everybody. 

Thank you all for your input and insight. Ironically, my mother specifically works (doing research) with women who have depression and how it affects their families. But as you all pointed out, it's impossible to see oneself. 

Ed's off this week in order for us to get a bunch of stuff done around the house, so I haven't been able to check in. He's going up to Baltimore tomorrow for a couple of days, so I'll be back and able to check out the other threads, and respond to the comments in this one. 

MJM, how are you today? Ameisen DID point out that it wasn't until he was sober with baclofen that he was able to really put into practice those tools that he learned when he was trying to get sober in traditional treatment. I felt that way, too, for sure. Also, when I started baclofen, or actually for several months before I started, I followed people's stories around on MWO and took notes about who was contentedly sober and what they did. (And vice versa. I wrote down all the things that people did who didn't have success.)

And the ones who were successful had some things that were almost universal. They filled their time with fun, interesting things. They often had or got into therapy. And they kept taking the damn pills, consistently and at a regular dose. 

Are you the one that is taking Effexor? You might want to rethink that one and change to a different one. If you're not (it might be T2Q?) then nevermind.

Stuck, what bleep says. The sun comes up on a new day. When and how and what are you going to do to help you get to the next step? I'll catch up with you on your thread tomorrow. 

All pretty well in Ne-land. Molly, you're so right. And Phoenix, too. Will respond tomorrow.

:hug: everyone. 

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Ne1

Oh, a ridiculous little side note: I got an email from the troll from the other site. He said, among other things, this:

My attorney said that this may very well fall under the Federal RICO act simply because you are acting in collusion in effort to harm someone else in an effort to gain monetarily from your own operations (your new web-site)

He suggested that I give him the name of my attorney so that our attorneys could talk to one another. lol.

I have no idea what it's going to take to convince him, 1. That I have NO idea who keeps putting his name on MWO and 2. That he really needs to stop contacting me. Any suggestions? 

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StuckinLA
22 minutes ago, Ne1 said:

Oh, a ridiculous little side note: I got an email from the troll from the other site. He said, among other things, this:

My attorney said that this may very well fall under the Federal RICO act simply because you are acting in collusion in effort to harm someone else in an effort to gain monetarily from your own operations (your new web-site)

He suggested that I give him the name of my attorney so that our attorneys could talk to one another. lol.

I have no idea what it's going to take to convince him, 1. That I have NO idea who keeps putting his name on MWO and 2. That he really needs to stop contacting me. Any suggestions? 

Ne, your effort is clearly an effort to cause harm to someone in a way that you made an effort to do the thing that caused the...

Oh screw it, I can't even. What a moron.

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bleep
1 hour ago, Ne1 said:

Oh, a ridiculous little side note: I got an email from the troll from the other site. He said, among other things, this:

My attorney said that this may very well fall under the Federal RICO act simply because you are acting in collusion in effort to harm someone else in an effort to gain monetarily from your own operations (your new web-site)

He suggested that I give him the name of my attorney so that our attorneys could talk to one another. lol.

I have no idea what it's going to take to convince him, 1. That I have NO idea who keeps putting his name on MWO and 2. That he really needs to stop contacting me. Any suggestions? 

That's hilarious. What a fucking idiot. Just ignore the prick. Have his emails go directly to your junk folder. You will never convince him, of anything. His mind, such as it is, is firmly set.

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SKendall

Ne, he is totally psychotic.  Otter posted a video of his company today on MWO, the comments were pretty darn funny.

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Missykc
5 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

Ne, your effort is clearly an effort to cause harm to someone in a way that you made an effort to do the thing that caused the...

Oh screw it, I can't even. What a moron.

Hey, I think I said this before. Block him from your email and phone. That will stop his contact. 

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Baclofenman
5 hours ago, Ne1 said:

Ameisen DID point out that it wasn't until he was sober with baclofen that he was able to really put into practice those tools that he learned when he was trying to get sober in traditional treatment.

And in my experience he was spot on

Only now can I be "arsed" to do the things I did not do before because for some reason or another AL got or would get in the way

Regards

 

Bacman

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SKendall

Ne, as Missy suggested put him on ignore AND ignore him.

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SKendall

If I may make a suggestion?  We become totally obsessed in our drinking i.e. when, how much, hangovers etc.  and it absolutely consumes us.  If at all possible turn it around and obsess on something or somebody else.  Addiction is very selfish and draws us into the Me me me syndrome.  Make an achievable plan, you can include drinking, etc.  just slow down a bit and do a 180 on the whole mess.  You do need a plan.

The longer we live in our disease offending others, we get ignored or we get in trouble and then self-pity sets in.  Before you dismiss this, give it a shot because you have nothing to lose.

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MJM

I'm still here, just now drinking. I feel embarrassed. Sorry if I don't post for a while. I know that I'm fighting something that will take me a while to conquer, but I will get there. Right now though, I feel like an idiot.

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Felina

@MJM Please don't be embarrassed. You've been through a major trauma. You've had stretches of sobriety, don't discount those just because you're drinking now. The embarrassment and self-flagellation will only make it worse. Be gentle with yourself please :75_EmoticonsHDcom: :hug:

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bleep

Being embarrassed about drinking on a forum for people who drink too much is, dare I say, somewhat daft. :)

 

That's why you are here, it's why I am here, and it's generally why everyone is here. You are in the right place doing the right thing. Keep going. It will come together.

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DunDrinkn

Trying to come off another vodka bender. It's been probably 40 hours since I drank last. On and off I'm feeling pretty nauseous. So achy last night I could hardly stand it. I've been taking extra Gabapentin yesterday and today. Upping my baclofen as well. Upped it 10mg yesterday, and may add another 10 today. I've been on 120mg forEVER, so doubt that going up 20mg in a few days will hurt any. I'm spacing the new/extra stuff out during the day, trying to take the edge off.

This is just getting stupid now. I've been on baclofen for over 4 years. Have hit indifference and had long stretches of not drinking, only to start again. Really fucking dumb!

It's hard to quit mainly because I haven't had adverse consequences. No one even knows I drink. Well, I think my 16 year old twins have a vague idea. But do I really need to wait for a shoe to drop? I would hope not. My work is suffering. My relationship is suffering. I need to sober up long enough to care.

So... I'm going to quit. I'm going to up my baclofen and gaba until I'm so drugged up I don't want to drink. I've got 5 valium left if I need it.

I do this every month it seems. Dry out for a week or two. Needs to happen now for good. I don't even like beer anymore. I'm just slamming vodka as fast as possible to get high. Wish I hadn't figured that out about vodka. Oh well.

 

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Molly78
21 hours ago, Baclofenman said:

And in my experience he was spot on

Only now can I be "arsed" to do the things I did not do before because for some reason or another AL got or would get in the way

Regards

 

Bacman

How true! I love coming down in the morning to a clean tidy kitchen & empty dishwasher! All my accounts are up to date, bank & credit cards filed in date order. If I have a day off I empty cupboards & throw stuff out.......

 

I'm starting to sound more than a little OCD, which I think a lot of us alkies are, only we bury it all under our drinking,  then get depressed because we are't getting things done, so we drink a bit more. I'm thinking of Stuck & his constant agonising over all the papers he has to grade, he can't bear it that he's so far behind, so out comes the bottle.....am I right, Stuck?

Take the alcohol out of the equation & everything looks so much easier.

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Molly78
3 minutes ago, DunDrinkn said:

 

I do this every month it seems. Dry out for a week or two. Needs to happen now for good. I don't even like beer anymore. I'm just slamming vodka as fast as possible to get high. Wish I hadn't figured that out about vodka. Oh well.

 

I know just what you mean, Dun. Vodka is evil. It doesn't taste of anything, it goes down a treat with sweet fizzy mixers.

"adverse consequences"? You mean you haven't yet done anything totally stupid when drunk, or your body is holding up under the onslaught?

Do you actually "get high" or just drink til you pass out? I have found that bac blocks the high, if I do push on with drinking (even vodka, I only "want" about 4 units before I lose interest) I just get drowsy & headachey.

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DunDrinkn
15 minutes ago, Molly78 said:

I know just what you mean, Dun. Vodka is evil. It doesn't taste of anything, it goes down a treat with sweet fizzy mixers.

"adverse consequences"? You mean you haven't yet done anything totally stupid when drunk, or your body is holding up under the onslaught?

Do you actually "get high" or just drink til you pass out? I have found that bac blocks the high, if I do push on with drinking (even vodka, I only "want" about 4 units before I lose interest) I just get drowsy & headachey.

My body is holding up (for the most part) and I haven't done anything stupid -- or at least haven't been busted doing anything stupid. I haven't drank until I passed out for many years now. I am very functional as far as drunks go. And I do get high quite often -- probably somewhere around 2 units. Usually drink around 6. I'm going through a 750 ml bottle in 4 days most weeks. Sometimes 3 days. Probably would down a whole heck of a lot more if I wasn't on all the drugs.

Oh... and yes Molly, vodka is evil.

 

Edited by DunDrinkn
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Ne1
23 hours ago, Baclofenman said:

Only now can I be "arsed" to do the things I did not do before because for some reason or another AL got or would get in the way

Yep. I felt the same way the first time and know that's one of the things missing this time in my recovery plan/routine. 

20 hours ago, SKendall said:

Addiction is very selfish and draws us into the Me me me syndrome.  Make an achievable plan, you can include drinking, etc.  just slow down a bit and do a 180 on the whole mess.  You do need a plan.

OMG, SK. You have no idea how you've hit this nail on the head. I won't bore you with the long story, but a couple of days ago I made it so very clear to myself how self-absorbed and "me, Me, ME!!" I am right now. And maybe in general...I don't know. But I pissed Ed off enough that he blasted me, and it took about me only about 20 minutes to realize that he was absolutely right and I had been completely selfish. It was yet another rude awakening. I keep having those. Really not liking the feeling. 

10 hours ago, MJM said:

I'm still here, just now drinking. I feel embarrassed. Sorry if I don't post for a while. I know that I'm fighting something that will take me a while to conquer, but I will get there. Right now though, I feel like an idiot.

I'm right there with you, MJM. Seriously. It's so hard for me to post, I have to force myself to do it. Which is incredibly ironic, don't you think? I'm tired of drinking, and tired of posting about drinking, especially on a forum I helped create to help others to quit drinking, when I am still drinking. So ridiculous. But there it is. I'm an idiot. Or rather, I've got a malady, a disease, that isn't being treated and I can't fucking get the solution to right this minute. But we're in this together. Don't stop posting. 

1 hour ago, DunDrinkn said:

It's hard to quit mainly because I haven't had adverse consequences. No one even knows I drink.

Can also completely relate to this. And, well, the rest of your post, too. Except that everyone knows I'm drinking (or assumes it) and consequences be damned. I've been getting away with altogether too much shit, and without nearly the consequences I might have had years ago. 

For me it's bourbon. Ed's out of town today and until Thursday. It took EVERY ounce of willpower I have not to buy some bourbon and get totally blasted today. I have to take my certification exam tomorrow, and if I'm completely bourbon-hungover, it ain't gonna happen. So I'm sticking with beer, which (like you said) gives me a headache and doesn't really do the job. Also doing some other things to counteract the inertia, but that's beside the point at the moment. 

And like you, going up on baclofen. I realized today that I posted a week ago that I was taking 280mg, so will go up to 300mg today. If I remember to take my last dose. Have to set alarm now. Hold on a sec. ;) Actually, in all seriousness, I did just set my phone alarm so I don't pass out without taking the final day's dose. 

1 hour ago, Molly78 said:

How true! I love coming down in the morning to a clean tidy kitchen & empty dishwasher! All my accounts are up to date, bank & credit cards filed in date order. If I have a day off I empty cupboards & throw stuff out.......

I'm starting to sound more than a little OCD, which I think a lot of us alkies are, only we bury it all under our drinking,  ...

Take the alcohol out of the equation & everything looks so much easier.

Oh, Molly, how I miss the days of waking up to a clean kitchen. And having all of the little nitty-gritty tasks under control.

I don't think I have OCD, or anything like that, but I went through a period of time, especially in new, contented sobriety when I just got things in order. Finally got our home organized and things where I was comfortable...It is SO easy to ignore (or in this case, be overwhelmed by) all the stuff that needs doing that it feels impossible to start doing it. 

And without alcohol, I KNOW that everything IS easier. Even though I'm not drinking a whole lot. It just saps the good part out of my mind. Or at least feels that way. 

More later. Gonna check in on the other threads.

All relatively well in Ne-land. 

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StuckinLA
5 hours ago, Molly78 said:

I'm starting to sound more than a little OCD, which I think a lot of us alkies are, only we bury it all under our drinking,  then get depressed because we are't getting things done, so we drink a bit more. I'm thinking of Stuck & his constant agonising over all the papers he has to grade, he can't bear it that he's so far behind, so out comes the bottle.....am I right, Stuck?

Take the alcohol out of the equation & everything looks so much easier.

Absolutely right. Except even not drinking (right now, really trying to give sobriety a go), this stack of papers isn't looking any easier. :(

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SKendall

 

Stuck, the road to anywhere starts with one step.  Well done on today.

I want an OCD to visit me!!

Since my accident even bending is difficult.

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Ne1

OMG. 
I wish this was the old days in MWO when there were lots of people there...and there was someone on chat. (Even though it was never really good but we were there for each other...) Horrible, realistic dream and I wish anyone was out there right now. I thought Ed had called me from jail and that he was there now. So realistic that I thought he was there and called me from there after a DUI. But he's in Baltimore and was out with his mom for dinner and I'm sure he's fine. Hate waking up to find his side of the bed empty. Won't be okay until I hear from him tomorrow even though I know it was a bac-dream. 

Ugh. So much worse than I can describe right here and right now. I guess I'm glad no one is on chat! But no one should go through this alone. I hope some day our chat and forum is full of people!!

Stuck and SK, thanks so much for responding here. Gives me something to think about, other than me. It feels better just for typing this and knowing there are actual people out there, 

HUGE hugs for my peeps. Hope Ed's okay and it was just a stupid dream. Which I'm sure it was and he is. xxoo. 

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DunDrinkn

Ne, didn't you take your certification exam today? Did I make that up? 

Day three coming to an end and haven't had a drink. I'm finding that taking that extra 10mg around 3 or so when I start to obsess about drinking after work is helping. Had a really stressful day today, and even though I considered drinking, it didn't appeal to me. Not having anything currently stashed anywhere in the house is quite helpful.

Hope everyone is hanging in there. 

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MJM
9 hours ago, DunDrinkn said:

Ne, didn't you take your certification exam today? Did I make that up? 

Day three coming to an end and haven't had a drink. I'm finding that taking that extra 10mg around 3 or so when I start to obsess about drinking after work is helping. Had a really stressful day today, and even though I considered drinking, it didn't appeal to me. Not having anything currently stashed anywhere in the house is quite helpful.

Hope everyone is hanging in there. 

Hey Dun, glad to hear that changing your dose to better suit the onset of cravings is working. I tried something similar but kept falling asleep by 4pm. It was more than the extra you're taking though.

It seems quiet around here. I hope everyone's okay. I'm not, really. I posted on MWO tonight in a vain attempt to get banned. I couldn't bring myself to say anything really out there. We'll see if the idiots running MWO actually do anything. I doubt it; I wasn't strong enough in my language.

Life is stressful around here because I made it so when sober. Too keen to work, you see. So now my clients love me and want more of a piece of me. Don't know if I can deliver...

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Ne1

Hi, everyone.

I dreamt that Ed was in jail for a DUI and went through the whole scenario, just like it was real life, in my dream. Anyone who has had those wickedly real bac-dreams can attest to how disturbing they are. When I woke up, I was still dreaming, and Ed wasn't here since he's visiting home for a couple of days. I was in a total panic, getting dressed and ready to go to the jail to bail him out when I realized it was just a dream. I upped my bac dose by 20mg, stupidly taking it with my last dose of the evening. Oh, and I drank 14 beers that night. FOURTEEN! I couldn't get out of bed for my appt with my therapist, but I did make it to the exam. 4 hours and 265 questions later...I know I failed it, I'm just curious how close I got to passing. It will help motivate me to study. Plus, I will repeat the review class I took in January (for free) and this time actually do the work. 

I feel really good that I actually took the damn thing, honestly. 

MJM, I'm really sorry you're dealing with such stress. Any way you can cut back?

Dun, congrats on the three days and on making it through the stressful afternoon without forcing the drink. I've done that enough times, too...<heavy sigh> 

How and where is everyone else? 

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