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The End of my Addiction
StuckinLA

My Space to Pretty Much Just B*tch

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StuckinLA

How many god-damned times does this have to happen? I got a friend sitting in my living room last night and I tie a rope for him, and basically dare him to f*cking end it all. Because he texts me pretty much two or three times a week threatening to commit suicide. And he doesn't. While at the same time a couple of years ago I'm over on MWO private messaging with Ana, hours before she jumps off a f*king bridge into the Thames. People who want nothing more than to live, and they can't. And this guy, my friend, living off his parents' money and not even paying his own rent and I swear to God don't get me started on his behavior, this guy sits here saying he wants to end himself? 

Fuck this guy. I have no, no, none whatsoever patience for this shit. Because I pay all of my bills and got myself out of credit card debt and still had to spend a couple hours on the phone the other day trying to convince my parents that they don't need to get on a plane and come out here to rescue me. And by rescue, obviously, that means putting me in an institution for a while.

 

So what are we doing here? What does any of this mean? I'm a published author. A minor author, granted, with far fewer publications than many people I know, so I know my role. I know where I stand. But at the same time I stand in front of twenty-some people and these kids, they want so badly to give a shit about anything. They're lost. And sometimes I believe that I am giving them the inspiration to go out and follow whatever it is that they want to do.

 

Hyperbolic, I know. Got an email a couple days ago from a former student. Four years ago she was in my class, and now that she's graduating she wanted to have coffee and catch up. When we sat down, she said my class changed her life. She asked about life advice and job advice and basically WTF should she do with her life? I said get a goddamned job. So now she emails to tell me she has accepted and associate editor position at the Times in Hong Kong. Yeah. She's a bilingual editor at a major international magazine. I couldn't possibly be more proud - and this girl thinks I'm OK.

I'll be OK. Not today. Today is vodka/gatorade in bed listening to music. But soon. Soon I'll get it all together.

 

I am full well aware that none of you on this forum know me from Adam. Just sit tight, and read if you're so inclined. I promise you I am awesome. 

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StuckinLA

Oh God, fine. You want my story. This is a baclofen and medication site, after all. Fine. Here's my (abbreviated) story: I took baclofen, a damned lot of it, and it cured my alcoholism. It works. Period. It does the thing that it is supposed to do, which is to make you stop drinking.

I am a man in my mid-30s. I have had a couple DUIs, a couple hospital detoxes. I've been in AA a couple times. Never gone to rehab, never taken a leave of absence from work, or anything like that. So maybe that disqualifies me from the alkie-crowd. But I'm totes an alcoholic. I spend two or three or five days in bed just drinking. Listening to music, watching TV, not doing anything but just drinking vodka. 

When you start taking baclofen, you'll be sleepy. That's OK. You'll have some weird side effects, which is what this whole forum is about - helping you get through those. But once you have taken enough bac for a long enough time, you will be shocked by how much you don't give shit about drinking. You will be cured.

Guess I'll leave it there for now. Love you all, big hugs all around, etc.

 

 

EDIT: And I would be remiss if I did not re-introduce this phrase to the new forum. JUST KEEP TAKING THE DAMNED PILLS. JKTTDP. 

Take the damned pills. You will get better.

Edited by StuckinLA
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StuckinLA

No, man, WTF is this nonsense? Remember how I said I feels so ashamed that I left my car at work, and took a cab home?

 

Yeah, left my car at work because I was too drunk to drive home and I left my car at work. This morning I get an email from security at my school, telling me that I have to move my car because I'm a dick, basically, and it has to go to the parking lot next door.

 

I was trying so hard. I got up, I went and got cigarettes, and I was about to get a cab and head down and move my car and then take the same cab back. But I just couldn't do it. Couldn't. My bad.

 

And I email security back, and lie to them and say I'm out of town - family emergency - that sort of thing. Please, I'm happy to pay for a tow, etc.

 

And he emails back in broken English. Like, seriously, I would give his email a D if I were grading it. I got so worked up and worried about this shit, and this guy doesn't even write in the English language? Oh fuck, I am going to lose my shit all over everymotherfucker out there.

 

And then I will calm down, remember this is a new forum, we don't really all yet know one another, and then I'll calm down some more. WTF

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time2quit

I love this shit!  Keep on keeping on Brother!  And writing more awesome shit.... But Please don't grade my posts....

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StuckinLA

I swear to all that is holy, I will get sober and stay sober for a while - if only to stop my mother from sending me these new-agey Christian self-help emails.

But on that note, I did the thing that I said I would do, which was that no matter what, when I woke up at 4 or 4:30 or 5 or whenever, I would pour the beer on the nightstand down the sink and take an Ativan.

And so that's what I did. I'm shaking like a tree in a hurricane right now. But the meds will kick in soon and I'll get back to something approximating normal in time to go teach the youth of our great nation and get my car and be able to drive home.

Yay, what a start to the week.

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StuckinLA

Survived. I survived getting to school and getting home with the car. Still shaky as all get-out, but there is still plenty of medication here to keep me OK. Drinking lots of water. Still need to eat something, but we'll get to that when the dry heaves subside. 

Of course tonight is a celebration for a graduate school friend who has just finished her PhD. It's really a thing that I should go to - I'm waiting to see how I feel, but very much hope to be able to make it. And also the girl is planning to start packing some boxes after work tonight. Of course it all happens today.

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Baclofenman

Hey Stuck - Great you got your car back, would have been a bummer if Mr Illiterate had it taken away - Good decision to have left it- Would have been a whole barrel of shit if you got pulled by the cops

Hope you have a good night, whatever you decide

I take it the Baclofen did not work long term for you - Did you manage to stop at all on the Baclofen?

Regards

 

Bacman

 

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StuckinLA

Day 1: Mostly benzos, went OK.

Day 2: Some shittiness in the morning while teaching, some more in the afternoon driving home, a little more in the evening, then awake most of the night.

Day 3: Figured I was right fixin' to die during to class, but my students brought an ice cream cake for me, with the inscription "U R Our Love 2 :)" And then they made me cut the damned thing - it was like a brick and I'm sawing at it with a butter knife at my desk while a couple girls distribute the, well, let's call them slices. 

 

But then couldn't stand it after the morning time and started drinking and then well at one point of course the girl got home. Long story that I have no real ability to recount this evening.

 

tootaloo

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Ne1
On 4/25/2016 at 0:52 AM, time2quit said:

I love this shit!  Keep on keeping on Brother!  And writing more awesome shit.... But Please don't grade my posts....

When I first found out that Dr. Stuck was getting (and has since gotten) his PhD in English, I almost stopped posting. I was (literally) taking a freshman English class in a community college (a requirement for my eventual degree in nursing). Stuck doesn't grade us. Or at least he doesn't admit to it. Which is really all that matters. 

On 4/25/2016 at 9:02 AM, StuckinLA said:

... if only to stop my mother from sending me these new-agey Christian self-help emails.

There're about a billion things I could and should respond to in your posts, but this made me grin with teeth. :D It would be mighty motivating for me, too. 

Sorry about the friend. What a fuckface. Don't get me wrong, you know that suicide is brain-chemistry-motivated, just like alcoholism. And you also know I think you should have him committed, but it's so not cool of him to put you in this position. But you know what? At least he's got you to talk to. Seriously. It's when my friend (who offed herself) stopped texting and calling me that I should have gotten very worried. 

Very sad to remember Ana. God, that was a horrible, horrible situation. Even before she took her life. Just breaks my heart. 

What else? 

I have no idea why you feel badly about leaving your car. That was something you should put in the "I made a good, positive, grown-up decision" column. 

Sorry about yesterday. Today's a new day and all that jazz. I made the decision to not drink yesterday, and have it be my "Day One", which I'd been planning all week and drank anyway. (Two beers, but still.) It's hard. The understatement of the year. 

xo

 

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StuckinLA

What a load of balls.This whole day, yesterday, all of fucking it. So let's start from the beginning-ish. Yesterday I probably shouldn't have driven in the morning, but hell, I work 60 miles away on Thursdays. So what can ya' do? I'm standing there in front of these little shits, and they're all on their phones, not paying attention and wanting to be anywhere but where we are. I get that. Most days I want to be anywhere but where I am, too. So I'm standing there up at the front of the room almost screaming at them, about how I'm going to bring a wicker Easter basket next week to collect their phones during class, and about how almost a quarter of them are about to fail for missing too many classes.

Then my second class, right after that, I'm sitting at the desk yelling about climate change and our political system - trust me, it really was (sort of) related to the topic of the class - and I'm seeing a girl in the back corner of the room starting to cry. Hey, sorry your future is fucked, honey, but I didn't do it all on my own. 

The girl is moving out for realsies, she's been packing all week but today is the final push. The other day I got home from work and was fixing a little tuna salad for lunch, and I reach for the pepper to find she'd taken the salt and pepper grinders. The ones we bought together with the cute little typewriter keys S and P on top. So then I'm just standing there with a bowl of tuna in my hand like, WTF?

Yesterday was the last day of the semester for my Catholic women's university. A lot of tears, and more hugs. Not even from me, actually, but from my students. About half of them came up for a hug, even the ones who I thought had been skeptical, too-cool-for-school this whole time.

Look, I know I'm good at my job in certain ways, terrible at it in others. I know that I can inspire a room full of people, especially a room full of young and impressionable women. Inspire them to do what is less clear, but I know I'm all right at it. But it still feels good. These chicks are saving me, and every little gift, every hug, every thank you means the world to me.

Last Wednesday 3 girls weren't in one of my classes. Until halfway through the hour they showed up with an ice cream cake. I've spoken about my personal life way too much, but they knew the girl was moving out. So the cake - with little flowers on it and everything - reads "U R Our Love 2 :)" I melted more than the cake. They wanted a speech and they made me cut up pieces for everyone and that day I was in major alcohol withdrawal. Sitting there with a butter knife shaking like a leaf trying to saw through this brick-like cake as everyone watched. Anyway, they are sweethearts.

 

This post has taken nearly a day and a half, and it's far from the epic rant I imagined. But I been drinkin' and it's six in the morning, so this'll have to be it for now. Love y'all.

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StuckinLA
21 hours ago, Ne1 said:

Dr. Stuck

Hehehe. Goddamned right it's Dr. Stuck.

No I'm totally kidding. Some people take that so seriously - I hear from my students that other teachers force them to address them as "Dr" so-and-so. I'm like, I'm Stuck. Just call me that. What the hell? 

I usually also add the "what the hell" part too. 

Anyway there was a little more I wanted to respond to, Ne, but the quoting here is still getting the best of me. Oh yeah, that's right. Aside from the self-harm shit that we both know is brain-chemistry related and awful, I would like to GIVE YOU A HUGE SHOUT OUT ON NOT DRINKING. Don't care if you're on gobs of baclofen, you're obviously not on enough right now, and so you're still making - and sticking - to the decision not to drink. And that's awesome. And that should be recognized. 

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Ne1

I'll be back later to respond more, but first things first: Any chance you can put the bottle down, take a pill maybe?, and go back to bed for 4 or 8 hours? Wake up and start the day fresh and without the bottle? I get it if there isn't, but I can't help but be worried. 

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Ne1
5 minutes ago, StuckinLA said:

Hehehe. Goddamned right it's Dr. Stuck.

No I'm totally kidding. Some people take that so seriously - I hear from my students that other teachers force them to address them as "Dr" so-and-so. I'm like, I'm Stuck. Just call me that. What the hell? 

I usually also add the "what the hell" part too. 

Anyway there was a little more I wanted to respond to, Ne, but the quoting here is still getting the best of me. Oh yeah, that's right. Aside from the self-harm shit that we both know is brain-chemistry related and awful, I would like to GIVE YOU A HUGE SHOUT OUT ON NOT DRINKING. Don't care if you're on gobs of baclofen, you're obviously not on enough right now, and so you're still making - and sticking - to the decision not to drink. And that's awesome. And that should be recognized. 

We cross-posted, Stuck.

If and when I get a doctorate, damn straight people are going to call me Dr. Ne. My friends and family included. ;)

<cringe> I'm not abstinent. I had two beers on Thursday and one yesterday. Better. But not there yet. 

Quoting here is super-easy, dude. 

Screen Shot 2016-04-30 at 9.20.40 AM.png

If you want to multiquote you hit the little "+" button on the bottom left. It will show you that you have quoted a post, but won't start the post yet. If you just want to quote one post, you hit the "quote" button and it will take you directly to reply, with the post in it. 

 

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StuckinLA

You know what it is? Forgive me for a small psychoanalytic digression, but it's called Transference. Freud theorized that the patient would transfer their desire for getting better onto the analyst. Jacques Lacan furthered this notion, to consider that all unequal power relationships have this element of transference - so in my particular context, we're talking about the student/teacher relationship. The student desires the knowledge that the professor possesses. But there's a short-circuit, in which they transfer their desire for the knowledge into a desire for the teacher him (or her) self. But the teacher knows he doesn't actually possess this knowledge - he's a fraud. And so then there's counter-transference, whereby the teacher ends up desiring the student. Not because she's a nubile 18 year old girl, wearing inappropriately-lengthed skirts, but because through her eyes he sees himself as a smart person in possession of the knowledge that we're all in this class to learn. Through her eyes, he doesn't feel like a fraud. 

And while I know all this, it nevertheless feels pretty damned good to be desired. Doesn't hurt that these are nubile 18 year olds wearing inappropriately-lengthed skirts, but still. 

So when I cry at night, it's for our future. It's because I know that it doesn't matter at all if these kids learn to write well, because their future is fucked either way. Yet I still have to get up there in front of them, and try to teach them basic grammar and the basics of organizing their thoughts. They can't even write a correct sentence. I teach at two schools - one is a Catholic all-girls liberal arts college - that's the one I wrapped up yesterday. Those girls are amazing. They're mostly minorities, all underprivileged, and god damn they work hard. That's the one where I was receiving gifts all week and an ice cream cake party, and lovely little notes, and then yesterday the hugs and one girl was openly weeping because the class was over. Another came in for multiple hugs - and I'd probably be fired for Title IX violations if anybody knew, because she's short, and so my hand went to the back of her head in a way that was a tad more than how a teacher should hold his student. (Though to be fair, as Ne mentioned offline, it's a good thing she wasn't tall, in which case my head would be buried in her tits and my hand on her ass.)

The other place I teach is, well, I won't say exactly, but it is a major state university. When I get up in front of these kids, I call it facing a "wall of indifference." They could not possibly give less of a shit about being there. Those kids do not get gift cards from me, like the Catholic girls did yesterday. Those kids can go f**k themselves with their cell phones.

So, yeah, I bought all my girls gift cards to a burger joint around the corner from their school. Because Starbucks is cliche. And with the cafeteria they have, I figured they could use a decent lunch. $5 cards, times 40. What can I say, I'm a sucker for short skirts and gifts with lovely little notes.

 

So the girl and I spent our last night in the same apartment together last night. I was drunk, obviously. But she didn't make a big deal about that, and I didn't get mad that she's leaving. It was a lot better than the previous couple nights. We had great sex - and when I say great sex what I mean is that we were talking to each other during it. Sorry if that's TMI, but I'm a big fan of talking dirty and verbalizing fantasies and whatnot. So that all went well, and today we're packing the rest of her stuff and she's gonna be off in her new place.

Not sure how much help I'll be, I'm drinking already this morning. Just listening to Bruce Springsteen and then will watch some videos about climate change. And drink some more. 

I left my car again yesterday. I'd called a Lyft, but the fucker was going to take way too long, so I drove to school. Shouldn't have, probably. But then parked it off campus on the street where it will be fine, and took a Lyft home. Gotta go get that Monday at the latest. And I'm already smoking inside here in my bedroom, so today is shaping up to be a shitshow.

Hope y'all are doing well.

Edited by StuckinLA
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Baclofenman

Hi Stuck

Can I just ask - is your girl, the one who is leaving your wife/girlfriend/significant other?

I get the rest

Regards

 

Bacman

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StuckinLA

Significant other. We've known each other since college, been dating about 3 years, she's been living here with me for 2.

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StuckinLA

I'm tryin', man. I said I'd help her with the moving today. All her stuff has been in storage the last 2 years, ever since she moved out here. Her bed, dining room table, that sort of thing. So that's the main thing. All she's got here, really, at this point is a jewelry hutch and some boxes of things. But today is shaping up to be not so great, so I kind of told her I'm bailing on the storage trip and the moving things into her new place. Once she gets the truck, I can help her carry the heavy things out of here, but dealing with the rest of it. Well, at this moment it feels beyond my capabilities. We'll see as the day goes on, maybe I can pull it together. She has lots of help lined up through work friends. I don't really want to see them, either, though, to be honest.

She's taking the Xbox. I told her she could, she should. But we paid halfsies on it originally. And I sort of want to have it to watch movies and shit now. Especially now. Oh well. She just said she's packing it last, so maybe I should just watch TV today. Should be grading papers, but whatever.

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StuckinLA

So here we are, and the apartment is getting slowly emptier. She's doing her thing. And she'll be gone eventually. And my suicidal friend is coming over. 

How many ways do I have left to scream at the sky? It's not even dark yet. Waiting for the sun to sink down over those mountains and the lights out on the staircase to light up, and then I can finally go out and take a piss into the bushes and shake my fists up in the air. When will everyone be finally gone? The chick will be done moving by nightfall, but now this guy. Fuck, I can't deal with him right now. Can't deal with seeing anyone or going anywhere. I packed up the Xbox for her, and now I've got this decent-sized TV sitting in the bedroom, dead. Nothing connected to it.

So I watch interviews with progressive talkshow peeps on my laptop. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck. What am I doing? It's going to take me days, days before I can walk through my apartment and not think about what's missing on the shelves, in the drawers. What's missing is her.

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StuckinLA

I fucking did what was asked of me, over and over. Had more help than most - my parents paid for college and paid for most of my DUIs. They made a lot of money and have 2 houses and weren't afraid to get me out of credit card debt a couple times. But I worked for the rest of it - I really did. Man, I put myself through paramedic school and I worked sometimes 100 hours a week. I paid for all my drinking, and all the strip clubs. The $90 bar tabs every night. And I paid off my car, and my rent. I chose to give all that up for grad school. I knew what I was in for.

So now where are we? What do I have to show for any of this? Stuck in fucking Los Angeles, away from my friends, away from my family, And watching my girl move out. Listening to Springsteen's "Atlantic City" and getting too drunk to type.

 

Lot's of posts today, but I warned you all to strap in. Fucking fucketty fuck, we're in for a long night. Love you all.

Edited by StuckinLA
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Baclofenman

Just so you know - I'm listening man

Regards

 

Bacman

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SKendall

Stuck, I've read your posts many times but none resonated with me like today.  When a person is in withdrawal shaking and sweating it feels really bad but the mental health part of it was what killed me.  I am not here to judge anyone on their sobriety or lack of.  I've been sober a few years now but I'll never forget those mornings where hair of the dog became a necessity.  What seriously bothers me now is when people are living in a state of regret, shame and despair and can't see a way out.

 

Do any of you remember Alf, the furry alien who was living in Oxnard?  He and his tribe knew how long they were going to live and lived accordingly.  I've mentioned this on a couple of threads today on MWO because it got me thinking if we would live our lives differently.  When I think back to the drinking episodes, I literally shrivel from shame.  It's all well and good I can make these reflections in sobriety, but I do remember not being able to see a way out.  I do remember when my parents were coming to visit and I had to wean off because I didn't want them to know and I knew I would be in withdrawal if I didn't.

 

So if any of you REALLY want to stop and if so, what is your plan, if you care to make one and what are your goals?  Because I think that is necessary IF you want to stop.

 

I am going through a very hard time now financially and as mentioned on MWO I look at things with a time limit of I can do this for short term, or this difficulty won't be here forever.  The other thought that is difficult is expecting my spouse  to tolerate all the B.S. I brought to the family.  He was a drinker and an enabler, but still it took me far too long to sober up and I lost the relationship with my son who doesn't even know I'm Sober.

 

I think I've been too maudlin, but I care about those of us here in this little family.

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StuckinLA

SK- thank you. That was an amazingly inspiring and non-judgmental response to what is clearly a guy (me) who's not yet ready to get sober.

Bacman, thank you as well. If it weren't for people reading, well, I'd probably just be texting my ex-girlfriends all day. ;)

So it's all over now but the crying. And I know I shouldn't say this, but my friend who always drives drunk drove himself home in the middle of the night after I passed out. So now, as it's about 4am, he's gone. I could not be happier that he's gone. I can take my clothes off and get in my pajams and take my liquor to bed and try to get warm under the covers while drinking myself back to sleep, all alone. Finally.

Still plenty of boxes here, and the girl will be around today clearing up the rest of her stuff. Or most of the rest of her stuff. But I don't have to worry about pissing her off, I don't think, and can just go ahead and smoke in here wherever I want and drink without hiding it and at long last just take myself to passing out which is the only time I feel OK.

I've got the whole weekend, or at least today, to sort it all out. Tomorrow I've gotta get the car and get ready for school on Tuesday, and there's a fuckton of grading yet to do this week, but for now it's all all right. Just gotta get some sleep, and get warmed up. I keep saying to myself all this shaking and teeth chattering is because I'm cold. If only I could get under the covers and get warmed up enough, that would all stop. Or this shot glass on the nightstand, that might stop it too. Either way, I'm really glad my friend is gone. I'm really glad no one is here. That's almost certainly wrong of me, but it is what it is. My girl is sleeping in her own bed in a new apartment tonight.

Or she's crying on the kitchen floor like the other night. But the whole point of all this is for her not to have to sit on the kitchen floor crying anymore. So I sure do hope she's sleeping right now, at 4:30am, and feeling all right. I didn't help her today the way I said I would, and there's still plenty of her shit around the house. We'll get there. And that's it from me tonight. Good night, all.

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Baclofenman

Hi Stuck

I am riveted to your story - Have you ever written a book? - Your structure is fantastic - What subject do you teach?

Excuse me for maybe not having read the thread fully but why has she gone? - Is it your boozing? 

You seem like a guy who knows what he wants - Just not sure how to get there? - Shit, I feel for you mate and WTF is the guy who wants to hang himself all about - Fucks sake my brother done that shit and boy did that leave some fucked up people to pick up his shit

Well, I have never been anywhere near where you are Stuck, I have no advice to offer at the moment but like I said - I am listening

Regards

 

Bacman

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DunDrinkn

Hello Stuck. Just read through your thread. Thanks for writing it. It was a painful, beautiful read. Let us know where you're up. Please. 

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StuckinLA

We didn't break up, but we just had break-up sex. And so now I'm left to be here all day and night and tomorrow in a wet spot.

Ugh, that was totes TMI. Sorry guys n' gals. She came over to pack up the last of her things, and we got everything out except for her jewelry hutch. She emptied it, and wrapped it for moving, but we'll get it over to her place sometime later this week. That's the last thing here that's hers. Didn't take long for me to start smoking in bed again. 

Anyway, it's going to be a few days before I can pick things up and get myself and the apartment back together. Just don't have it in me to move shit around and put up my bookcases that are back from storage and unpack the 4 boxes of books and deal with any of this. So that's where I'm at. Not even drinking that much, to be honest. A beer to sip on, a shot of whiskey every hour or so. 

About me: Thanks Bacman and Dun for your interest and support. I teach writing, mostly, and sometimes literature. I did my PhD in English lit. I've written most of a book, and trying to finish it is the hardest damned thing I've ever worked on doing. Most of the time I just curse at myself for being lazy and not working, and sometimes I actually sit down and work, and other times I'm just a drunk mess. I've got about 300 or so pages, out of what I imagine will end up being a 400 page novel. I don't know, maybe this summer. Just got a very lovely rejection letter from a major, national literary journal. Guess I can tell y'all, since I'm not going to be in it: The Missouri Review. This is the 3rd fucking time they've sent me personalized, encouraging rejection letters. From what they say, they love my writing. They want to see more of it real soon. They just don't love it enough to publish at this time. All the best luck, etc...

I want to pick myself back up and dust off this week, and get back to doing whatever it is I do when I'm not drunk. Got some grading to do. Got some teaching to do this week. The girl and I are driving up the coast to San Francisco this coming weekend. Maybe more later. Thanks again for reading.

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StuckinLA

So if anyone cares, and has A LOT of time on their hands, here's my thread from the old forum. I haven't posted on it in at least a year and I'm not checking over there. But if you want my story - and my bac journey - here it is.

 

http://www.mywayout.org/community/medication-research-and-support/59088-totally-forum-sort-bac.html?highlight=totally+forum%2C+sort

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StuckinLA

We're in the darkness, we're awaiting the dawn. Nothing we can do until then. Those of you taking baclofen and titrating up, you all just wait. Dawn is coming for you. Those of you just holding tight to your bedframes and crying like I am, you just wait too. We will get over this soon. Tomorrow is gonna suck and the days after will be worse, but we're getting through this night, and that's the only thing that matters.

Hang in there folks. I feel like I had more right now, but I give up. Hugs all 'round.

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StuckinLA

How did we get where we are? How did we end up so sad? I listen to Nobel-prize winning scientists, and they say something maybe could have been done about the climate in the 80s. I was less than 5 years old then. How the fuck is any of this my fault? I didn't do it.

But I didn't become a climate scientist. I didn't become an engineer discovering the next renewable energy that might help save us. No, I went and became a firefighter and a paramedic and spent the better part of a decade drunk and pulling dead people out of their bathrooms. I think I may have helped 2 or 3 people. The only guy I ever "saved," was a guy that was ignored by his family. Kept way back in the back bedroom because he was sick for a long time. He died on us, and we brought him back. He lived long enough to get transferred from the ER up to the ICU. Died about 12 hours later.

But you know what? Had it not been for me, that old guy would've died alone and forgotten in that bedroom. I feel that I gave his family the chance to be with him. We were shoving the kids and grandkids out of the ambulance so we could work. They clearly cared, they just didn't know. We got him back and we got him to a point where he could die surrounded by people who cared about him and he was wrapped up in warm blankets in an hospital room. That's the best I could do. Like with that 3 year old kid. Took him from his mother's arms, and I'll be damned if he didn't live another couple days.

My incompetence has killed at least 6 or 7 people. I remember every one of the times I was trying to intubate someone but couldn't get the tube into their lungs. Their faces are right there, and when I go to sleep I'm looking right down into their dead eyes and trying to look for their vocal chords. In my dreams, I'm sweating and doing CPR.

That was my 20s. That was how I paid for all the strip clubs. A firefighter Tshirt and a pitcher of beer. You'd be surprised how many pairs of legs that opens.

I can't even leave my room anymore. What the fuck happened to me, to us? What have we done? This whole fucking place is going down, our whole world. And I'm supposed to teach someone about how to use a comma?

I'm just rambling, guys. It's late. I'm down to half a pack of smokes and half a bottle of whiskey. I need some sleep. I'm probably a narcissist. There's no other real reason I would link my old thread here. There's no freaking reason anyone would want to read this shit - but I'm not going to lie, it feels so good when you do. So whatevers. All this is out there, and I'll see you all on the other side.

Hugs all around.

Edited by StuckinLA
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Molly78

Thanks for the link, Stuck. I have been following your posts on this site with interest, but not been able to work out where you are coming from - "bac works!" you keep saying......but you are still drinking heavily. I haven't read the whole thread on MWO, (just the beginning & the end - it's a really long thread!)  but it seems you were then (2012) trying to get to a point where you could have a few drinks if you felt like it, without getting drunk. Lots of us hope to get to that point. And I can relate to the feeling of wanting a drink but not enjoying it or getting the buzz.

So what happened between then & now with the bac? Have you given up on  it? Apologies if you have already covered this somewhere.

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