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The End of my Addiction
StuckinLA

My Space to Pretty Much Just B*tch

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StuckinLA

Thanks guys (gals). I think I posted last night to admit out loud I wanted to drink, and to get some support. And I really appreciate your responses.

I curled up in bed and put on a movie (Spotlight - it was really good). And went to sleep. And today's another day. Can't believe it's the middle of September already, and man I do not want to start work again next week. 

Listen to me, being spoiled brat. People work for a living. I don't know, guess I just don't like my job. But it's not like I haven't been working. I've been working really hard the past month+, just on things that don't pay anything (yet). If all goes well, I'll finish this book and (fingers crossed) sell the fucker. Maybe then things will turn around and I won't have to deal with this crappy job market (not many decent jobs, and almost no chance of landing any of them) and won't have to worry about being stuck in the job I have, which I don't like.

Again, complaining too much - I am very lucky to be where I am. So, again, just bitching. But thank you all for being out there. Onwards and upwards, everybody.

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Ne1

I haven't been around or reading consistently enough to know if you're still abstinent. I think I saw that you were, on the Checking In thread. And I mentioned there that I'm really happy for you and very envious of you. Active alcoholism sucks in such sucky ways that there's not any way to describe it. 

You know those bumper stickers that say, "One bad day of _______ (around here it's usually fishing or hunting or just generally killing something...Anyway.) "One bad day of fishing is better than the best day at work." 

What I'm lamely trying to say is that my best days these days don't compare to my really shitty days when I was actively abstinent. And by best days, I mean the ones when I'm not actively seeking the oblivion of the bottom of the bottle. I guess I won't say too much more about it, because honestly, reading about it here sometimes makes me...yearn for it. Or it used to, and now I don't even need the gentle reminder. 

On 9/7/2016 at 2:20 AM, StuckinLA said:

...she seems to hate socializing as much as I do and she lives in my neighborhood. So she asked for my number and we might hang out sometime. Kind of weird.

That's funny. You get that, right? I had 3 girlfriends over for dinner a little while ago and it was so nice to hang out with people who have no idea about any of this and just eat and chill and not have alcoholism for one night. (I did have drinks, but they don't really drink, so one or two each. Of course, I polished the bottle the next night and the following two days were a reminder that I am actively living in alcoholism. fucking just ugh.) 

On 9/16/2016 at 3:28 PM, StuckinLA said:

...People work for a living. I don't know, guess I just don't like my job...

To be honest, I don't really know many people that DO like their jobs. 

I've put off taking my certification exam for so long, and haven't worked in forever, that people are now basically begging me to get any job. My dad suggested Home Depot, so I could get a discount. 

It's great that you've been working, Stuck, on the things that are important to you. And I'm really happy for you about that. The other thing is, and don't really know if this is the right thing to write, but it is excruciatingly difficult to DO the things that are important, to motivate to work on stuff that makes life worth living, rather than just doing just enough to get by, when you're (I'm) drinking. 

Ack. I didn't come on here to bitch about me, for crying out loud. I came on here because I get a daily email update from The Optimist from The Washington Post. When I was reading it the other day, it made me laugh to think about the fact that you would not be reading it, at all, ever. So here's the link, in case you want to feel good about the future ;) : https://www.washingtonpost.com/the-optimist/ 

I was also going to link an article that I heard on NPR Weekend Edition Sunday today. It was a 30-something talking about her enthusiasm coming out of college (Barnard, of course) to change the world and then the soul-crushing realization that it doesn't work that way. She became a journalist and a social activist and talked about finding a balance between the soul-crushing reality and the genuinely optimistic and realistic reasons for continuing to be an activist. She was talking with Clay Jenkins (who for those peeps are ridiculous NPR geeks like me, is Thomas Jefferson of the Jefferson Hour. Don't bother to google if you don't know it. It's unbearably boring. Unless you're ridiculous.) 

I tried to find the link to it, but not very hard and need to get back to actually studying (which, yes, I am doing). But the thing about the article was that it made ME actually feel...not guilty, because the guilt-trip of not being socially involved doesn't work on me anymore...and not particularly optimistic about the idea that one person can actually accomplish anything... But just that doing something for the sake of doing something is enough of a reason to do it. 

I got involved in a little bit of kerfuffle on the Next Door app with some of my knuckleheaded neighbors about something ridiculous. BUT it turned out that at the City Council meeting about this little ridiculous thing that affects basically nothing, a council member said that there were more emails, calls and letters about this issue than about a very major one in our downtown area. And I was like BOOYAH! Local action at it's best. And then the Civic League president for my neighborhood pointed out, in a very pointed way, that I never go to the meetings. Which I abhor. I'd rather have dental work without drugs. Seriously. But if I can maintain even a moderate amount of sobriety before the 7pm meeting tomorrow night, I'm gonna go. Fingers crossed. 

Sorry about the tome. 

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StuckinLA

It is great to hear from you, @Ne1. Sorry things are not going as well as they could be for you at the moment, but you are absolutely correct. One bad day sober is usually better than a even a good day drunk.

I've got quite a bit to say this morning, and I think I'm going to say it on the checking in thread. More comfortable over there, for some reason.

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StuckinLA

Public Service Announcement: Screwdrivers are the absolute worst drink to spill all over your nightstand.

Ugh, just finished cleaning up that mess. Which sucks, because I have a house cleaning appointment this evening. Two people, four hours, deep cleaning my apartment for me. My back to school present to myself, and here I am cleaning the apartment before the cleaners get here. Lol, isn't that always how it goes? If only that were the only mess that needed tidying around here.

Can't wait for the job application season to be over. And it is only just beginning. I don't hate my job. I dislike the commute, and I would of course prefer fewer classes and more money, as well as longterm job security. That's why I'm applying all over the country, for tenure track jobs. The problem, the reason I say I don't really want any of these, is that I don't want to do the kind of research and writing and publishing that goes along with these jobs. For better or worse, I'm throwing my lot in with this novel and trying to be a fiction writer instead of an academic. Everything else is standing in the way of that goal. 

Which is so frustrating, because I finally buckled down and worked really, really hard the past couple months. I did not achieve the goal of finishing the damned thing that I'd set out, but I did get a lot done. Anyway, it all caught up with me and I bailed on myself this past weekend. It wasn't fun, and just about anything else I could have done would have been better. Hopefully it is out of my system, and I can now put things back on track. At the very least get myself back on track. Whatever happens with the girl will happen or not. 

So the damned birds are chirping and the sun is coming up, and I put on a pot of coffee. Going to work on a letter that is due tomorrow, and another that's due Tuesday. Not going to drink today. Then a little class prep for tomorrow, and another workweek begins.

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StuckinLA

It took about a week and a half to spin out of control. Nothing terrible happened, but just completely drunk all the time at home. Can't even make it out of the apartment except at 9 am Sunday morning to go buy booze. So I'm pretty shaky and feeling weak all over. Standing is a chore. My place looks shellshocked it is so messy here. Shouldn't call them dust bunnies, even. More like dust dragons. Huge slobbering lizard dragons of fur everywhere. And spots where the cats have thrown up hairballs that I didn't clean up over the past several days. And so many dirty glasses that need washed but I did like 3 dishes this morning and had to take a break.

The big news is that the girl came over last night because I said I needed her. I did need her. I do, always. And even though she hasn't been speaking to me for over a week, and even though she knew I was drinking, she came over and stayed with me. I ran out of liquor sometime in the middle of the night, and I didn't sleep much. At one point I woke up with the realization that I truly hate my job and my life here. I simply do not want to be conscious. Which is ironic, given how terrified I am of death.

But anyway, now I have to figure out what to do with that. I know I don't want to spend my life sitting at my desk drinking and smoking myself to the grave. I want to have some kind of purpose, some meaning to being here. I can't figure out a way to be of much use to my students. I can teach most of them to write well enough to pass this one class, so that will save them some tuition money for not having to retake it I guess. But beyond that? All I want to do is stand in front of them screaming about climate change and the moral imperative of protesting capitalism. And they don't care.

In the middle of the night as I was at my desk smoking and writing in my journal while the girl slept, I came to realize that maybe making her happy is enough. That sounds really bad and dismissive, but what I mean is that maybe making one person happy is enough to live a meaningful life. I want to change the world but can't. I want to write novels and be a part of the long history of literature, but haven't. I want to find satisfaction in my work, but I don't. To inspire the next generation of students, but they don't care. The anxiety this job gives me is beyond anything else. I think about it all the time and I stress the hell out, constantly.

But I can make my girl happy. All I have to do is not drink. There is not one single other thing about me that upsets her.

Also in the middle of the night I checked my voicemail. My landlady called and I figured I'd not mailed the rent check in time. But no, she had called to tell me that her mother had died. Her (my landlady's) parents live next door to me, so it wasn't that weird that she would tell me this, though a little weird that she invited me to the memorial. Anyway, her parents were a lovely old couple and they seemed happy enough. I think I want that, and I am starting to think that is what life is about more or less. So I want to make my girl happy. Screw everything else. So what if we don't have great jobs. We live far away from our friends and we don't make much money, but we make enough. And we can be happy together if I don't drink.

As she was leaving for work this morning she asked how I was doing withdrawal-wise. I told her I'd taken some gabapentin and was trying to hold off on the Ativan because I only have one left. She opened her purse and gave me a few of hers, and my first thought was that I never asked how she was doing. And the fact that she has refills on her prescriptions means that she's not doing great. She doesn't really like her job, her coworkers have pretty much stopped hanging out with her, and I've been worthless the last week and a half. So this is a good time to think about her, and be here for her. 

I was stone sober for 7 weeks, I can get sober again. She's coming over tonight to be with me. I'm feeling fairly awful and don't have the energy to clean at all and probably won't even put clean sheets on the bed, and the whole apartment reeks of smoke, so I know being here is a sacrifice for her right now. 

Thanks for listening, everybody. Last word in a very long post: I am going to be ok today. I have gabapentin and I have Ativan. I will get some rest and stay sober. 

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Felina

Stuck, it looks like this minor setback after all those weeks left you with a good deal of insight.  What a wonderful gift to receive out of all that darkness. 

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Anne12

Stuck,  you've  written some really lovely stuff in this forum, ...this surpasses

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Nicnak

Thinking if you stuck.

You've done it before and will do it again (get back on the wagon)

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Molly78

Sounds like you know which direction to go in, Stuck.  I'm glad you have some insight into what makes you happy (your girl) & what really pisses you off (your job).

Maybe now get a medication regime together?

All the best.

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Lostinspace

Stuck - I’m glad to see that you’re determined to get right back on the horse and that your girl came by to be with you. 7 weeks sober is amazing and you can definitely do it again. As far as hating your job, maybe you could check out positions with an environmental organization and see if there’s a way to combine your writing skills with your passion for reversing climate change. It’s not fiction, and probably not the kind of writing you really love, but it’s something you could feel good about doing, while working on your novel in your spare time. Or maybe not. Only you can figure out what type of work would truly get you going in the morning, but it’s worth exploring different options. Anyway, big hugs to you :hug: I hope you feel better really soon.

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Molly78

Reggie, the Willem Martinot/ Limestone pictures video is lovely - I followed the link back to You Tube where there are lots more.

Thanks for that.

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Alice22

Stuck, just read your last post and sending all good things your way.  Hang in there, recovering from this thing is a process, relapse is part of it so just start over.  I think every time you fall off the wagon and then get back on you're sobriety game is a little stronger.  Good luck.

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StuckinLA

@Alice22, @actiongirl, @Molly78, @reggie, @lostinspace, everyone who I am missing, thank you so, so much.

In kind of a bad place right now. Today was awful because I drank so much yesterday. No clue how I woke up on time this morning (6am) and made it to work. I taught a class and then had students in my office hours for at least an hour and a half, like 6 or 8 students or something. Because their papers are due Thursday. Then taught 2 more classes, and I was probably still drunk for most of the day. Then went into withdrawal on the way home. Like a 2 hour drive because of traffic. Got home, slammed about 4 beers and was then ok enough to walk down to the liquor store.

Bought less than I wanted. A case of beer but only a pint of whiskey. I am trying, trying so hard to get myself right again. I can't keep driving like this and can't keep working like this, and I think I just agreed to take on another class this spring at my second university. I have job applications to write this week, I have to do edits on a story that is about to be published and have to finish that this week. My students will be turning in their papers, so this weekend I have almost 65 papers to grade. 

God I want out of all this. I want to crawl into bed and let everything else fuck off. I have no idea what is going on or what I am doing, and the girl thinks I am trying to manipulate her - I showed her that last long post. And then I started drinking again and she feels played. Probably not without reason. I didn't mean for it to be like this.

Last Friday I went to bed, I went to sleep sober. But then I woke up a little after midnight and took myself straight to the liquor store and drank the rest of the night. And I haven't been able really to stop since. Not sure how to explain that to her. Not sure how to explain it to myself. Just feeling so bad, and drinking brings things back to even. Back to normal. Screw me, right? Even with the gabapentin and the desire to sober up, alcohol is the only thing that makes the night tolerable. 

At this point I look like complete shit. Unshaved, worn down, sweaty. For God's holy sake I need to clean up and I am very hopeful that tomorrow will be the day that I do clean up. Which is why I didn't buy a full bottle of anything. 

Hope you all are having a good one out there. Thinking of you, @ne1. Not sure why tags aren't working for me right now. Night everybody.

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SKendall

Stuck. I'm trying to find a piece of scientific evidence that will explain addiction to your girlfriend.  If anyone else has one send it to Stuck.

Unfortunately, alcohol becomes our #1 priority and our partners want them and their children to be #1. 

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Alice22

Stuck, 

God I can remember feeling like this, everything just spirals out of control and you can't find a way out.  Baclofen has been the only thing to interrupt the cycle of round the clock drinking.  I know you are hesitant to try it again but it might be the best alternative.  I was drinking first thing in the morning, driving drunk, sick all day.   I had short periods of sobriety where I felt okay but then I would relapse and go down even harder and faster than before and it felt impossible to get out of the awful cycle.  I'm just worried something bad could happen while you are trying to get a handle on this.  You need something to interrupt the drinking now.   Gabapentin helped a little but not like baclofen.  I am still struggling with the dosages and side effects but it's so much better than being trapped in the alcoholic cycle.  

I hope you're better soon and your girlfriend comes by to help you.  You know if I lived alone I think I would have a much harder time staying sober.  I don't like being alone anymore.  I even get little nervous I might be tempted to drink. 

I hope you get some relief soon.  I will be thinking of you and sending good wishes your way

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Ne1

@StuckinLA, thinking of you, too, my friend. about 10 days ago I was about there. I've never been an around the clock drinker, but I was on my knees. Full on hand-shaking, knee-knocking, cold-sweat-running withdrawals Friday before last. Didn't want to drink, because I would have been seriously sick and I can still sometimes manage to avoid that by thinking about how it feels. Couldn't sleep. Didn't want to take anything to 'feel better' without making sure I wasn't going to just start drinking again.

Talked/texted to Pdoc and she prescribed some stuff for withdrawals, with the understanding that I would Full. Stop. drinking. Didn't work. I mean, the meds did. But I still can't fucking white knuckle more than a day or two. We agreed that if I do in fact need detox next time, I'm checking in somewhere. And honestly, if the roller coaster keeps bringing me back to that carriage house, I'm checking in somewhere to get some time abstinent. I can't take it anymore. 

Started bac on Wednesday, and suddenly the sun is shining and the birds are singing and I have hope that I'll get (and stay) sober again this year. Without spending thousands or needing to check in and dry out. (Please God. That said, I just can't keep this up. It's too fucking painful. I'll sign the IOU in a heartbeat if I get back to where I was just a week and a half ago.)

I want to tell you this: Part of that is that I have wasted too much fucking time on this. It's sucked too much of my life from me. I wanted kids, dammit! I kept thinking...tomorrow. Next week. Next year. Someday. 

I want to get an advanced degree! I'm 47 years old and I the clock is ticking LOUDLY. My parents are young (69) and I've watched their energy levels and abilities plummet in the last couple of years. They're still working, but they've got new body parts and take naps and my mom, who never slept later than 5am in her life, sleeps until 8am. Fuck, man. 

Time is short. Start taking some pills. Get your life. 

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Jetsman32

Hey Stuck- sorry I haven't been around and very sorry for what you are going through. I wouldn't look at this as a total defeat- you can get back on track. I think it's great that the girl is still coming around- she obviously loves you, despite the drinking. I think you made a great self discovery- you need to pay more attention to her needs and feelings. If there is one thing I've learned from 17 years of marriage it is that women just want to see that you care through your actions.

Try your hand again at being sober- see where it takes you. Have you started back on Baclofen? I know you ordered some but haven't taken them. Also curious if you've ever tried an in-patient rehab? I've heard horror stories but I've also heard some great things. Don't take this the wrong way but I think the one thing you were missing while you were sober was a support group. You might want to look into local church recovery programs or dare I say it, AA. I personally hate AA but there is some good there. You could just go and take what you want and let the rest go over your head. The important thing is you want to stay sober and at least at AA you could find some friends or a mentor that could help you to do that when the cravings come on.

Anyway- I'll be thinking of you man. If you ever need to talk you have my number.

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Mom2JTx3

@StuckinLA how are you?  Please start the Baclofen.  I think it is the tool you need to stay sober, although if you're like me, there is more work to be done than just getting off the booze.

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StuckinLA

Been drinking all day since I woke up. Just threw up all over the bathroom.

Last night I was on the phone with my girl, and I read to her. She wants me to talk to her about alcoholism, and what it's like, so I read her Bill's story from the AA big book. Then she stated getting sleepy, so I read her poetry that had a rhythm I thought would put her to sleep. 

I'm drunk again, but I think we have a date to do the same thing tonight. I have the poem picked out already. "The Delirium Waltz" by Mark Strand, if anyone is curious.

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StuckinLA

I am bac at it, beginning with 12mg this evening. 

Today was rough, really rough. But I made it through and am home now until work again on Thursday. Still a ton of grading to do, but I'll spend the day tomorrow doing that. The plan is to go very very slowly, and I don't think I want to go very high. 150 was good last time, we'll see how it goes.

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terryk

Fuck yeah, Stuck! I'm so glad to hear that you're getting back on the horse. Good luck, and I'll be eagerly following your progress.

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