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The End of my Addiction
StuckinLA

My Space to Pretty Much Just B*tch

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BarrelChested
5 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

I have always thought that the best way to Support Our Troops is to keep them home where they are safe. But that's me.

As a veteran that's seen the ultimate sacrifice, let me say, "thank you -- you get it." It's my custom to post something on FB each Veterans' Day. This year, I wrote, "If you want to show your appreciation to veterans I ask that you do two things: 1) eliminate the need for them and 2) take care of them when they come home (e.g., fund the V.A.). Wars are fought for profit. Full stop."

And that's how I feel about that. I know that I was a fscking wreck for many years after a particular incident. A young psychologist told me, "I'm sorry, but I can't see you again; they only allow us so much time."  She then told me that it was fscked-up... and that my world would come crashing down in about three years. "Fscking liberal, college chick," I thought. I was young. And I could have set my watch to her prediction. It all came down. 3.85 GPA? GONE. Long story short, I went for a 600mi walk. Because the military doesn't give a sh1t about soldiers. We were merely pawns in the fight to increase shareholder value and lower gas prices. In the history of mankind... well, it's never been any different. However, the U.S.A. treats its troops and its veterans LIKE SH!T. I'd bet that there are more lives lost to suicide than combat. I got lucky. Well, maybe not my liver... but the rest of me is intact. The walk helped. It let me get past the guilt of living. And although tissue heals, scar tissue is somehow different. It's not "good as new..." nor is it intrinsically bad. But some of us need help in adjusting. And that's just not in the budget. I'm really that cynical. Because I've lived it, seen it, and continue to see it. This country sh1ts on vets.

 

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Ne1
18 hours ago, Ne1 said:

Hope you don't drink today. Or tomorrow. Or just very, very soon. 

Man, there are many posts I've written that make me want to crawl under a rock and hide, but this one is the worst. So stupid. Sorry. I mean, not that I don't wish it, but the reason we're here, and the reason we take meds, is to meet people where they are and support. Not idle wishes. pffft. I'm still not sure what I'm trying to say. 

That song and @BarrelChested's post made me cry. I watched the xbox version. :) Also, BC, I'm an idiot. Thanks for being gracious about it. 

I'm so grateful that you're both here. 

 

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StuckinLA

I should have stayed home in bed with a bottle last night.

Instead, I decided to be social. So I got myself into a cab out to Pasadena to have dinner with a girl whom I've been intimate with. She presented a paper at the conference yesterday. So I sat down with her, her fiance, and another couple.

Got weird when, instead of going home or to another bar, they suggested going back to their hotel room. Because they had weed. That was a terrible, terrible fact. I took on hit off the bowl and all went to hell. It was some hours later the guys helped me out of the room and down to another cab to get home.

I woke up today at home, I am safe. Lost my phone and trying to find it. Nothing today matters more than that. Swigging from this bottle and the only thing that matters is finding my phone. Then of course all the grading I have to do. And it's 100 degrees here again. 

Wonderful day.

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StuckinLA

Also: from the way I feel, I might have also broken my big toe on my right foot.

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StuckinLA

Way back in May @Ne1 said this, can't find the original post to quote, but it is a direct quote:

"Then there's the fact that I live in the suburbs. I fucking HATE the suburbs. I hate big yards. I hate quiet streets. I hate having neighbors who listen to fucking Rush Limbaugh or have a fucking Rebel flag hanging in their garage-cum-man cave. (Yes. Seriously. No exaggeration. He actually used the "N word" in front of me once! And shortly after we moved in, another neighbor told us that we were really lucky because when they replaced the roof on the house there weren't any Mexicans doing the job. They were all 'murricans. Thank holy hell for that. Not. Give me some latinos for friends and neighbors any fucking day over these people. Seriously.) (EDIT: I was the one who made the decision to purchase this house. Me. Not Ed. Not Ed and I together. Me. WTF was I thinking??? I was just too much stress and anxiety and I couldn't deal with it anymore so I just gave up and settled on this one. I will never forgive myself for that.) 

Add to it all that we were only going to be here for three years. But I turned getting an associates degree in nursing into an extra two years, with the accumulated debt to show for it. We're not going anywhere. Stuck in the 'burbs, baby."

 

I ever tell you about the fire department? The guys I trusted with my life, trusted to drag me out of a burning/collapsing building if something went wrong? Spent 24 hours a day with, slept next to? Yeah, they called black men n**gers to their face, even the black men we were at the time working with. I hate this country.

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Ne1

<cringe> I am ashamed of that post. Glad it's in writing so I can remember exactly how pathetic I was. 

Stuck, my dear friend, I found my words. Hoping someone doesn't drink is worse than useless. It's unhelpful and complacent. 

I don't know if what we're reading is a descent into something truly tragic. Not a drunken love story, but a real life danger. All the signs are there. 

Perhaps you really think you will know when it's time to go to the hospital, or even get outside intervention to help yourself. People make terrible decisions when they're drinking. It can't be helped. Trusting that you'll know when is simply hoping for a good outcome. It's not enough. 

In the last week you've been drinking 24/7. Whatever you think the reasons are, each binge has been progressively worse and possibly exponentially more dangerous. 

You're not sleeping. Probably not eating. You have driven drunk. You were in a situation in which you got beat up. You were almost arrested, probably almost hospitalized. You stayed in a cheap motel room, and despite your supposed affinity, the pain in the posts you wrote that night was clear. You don't have a support system. You've been drunk when you're working and at a national conference. You're jeopardizing your career, your health, your life and the lives of other people. 

It doesn't surprise me that you don't feel the sense of urgency that I do. I doubt you remember how it feels, and if you do, you're anesthetized to it with copious amounts of booze. It's impossible to tease rational thought out of the bottom of a bottle. You wondered why it was only after a fifth that you started thinking rehab is a good idea. Now you know. 

It's not that I don't want you to post about it. That's not enough, either. I don't want you to be living it. While I can't make choices for you, I can try to keep it real for you. You need help. I am not overreacting. It's a considered (and frankly, delayed) rational response to what you're going through. I'll be honest that I'm torn about how to handle this in 3D. Because we're friends outside of the platform of this anonymous online forum. 

I love and support you unconditionally. There are many other people very invested in you, personally, because you have touched them, too. We're here. Stand up today and take action, please. Or crawl. Whatever it takes. 

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Alice22

I concur with @Ne1 you are on a downward spiral.  I've been following your posts and frankly I feel sick for you. I remember being where you are and it was hell.  But I had my husband around  to pull me out, I may have died if I was alone. And this is why I'm so worried about you. It sounds like you want someone to intervene and help stop this craziness.  Maybe reach out to your parents or your girl and tell them you need some help? You are loved by many people, I have no doubt . So call someone today.  Last year between rehabs I was so drunk and so scared I was going to die I ran over to my neighbor's house sobbing and pathetic and she dropped everything and just helped me. We talked and drank tea and turns out she has lots of alcoholism/addiction in her family. Anyway, I didn't even know her that well but she didn't hesitate a second and now she is the one local person I talk to about this mess. So there are people all around you who would be happy to help. Just surrender and call somebody.

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Missykc

Ne, I'm so glad you cringe at that post you once made. I was going to post about trying to find something positive each day. And I second your reply to Stuck. 

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Jetsman32
2 hours ago, Ne1 said:

You're not sleeping. Probably not eating. You have driven drunk. You were in a situation in which you got beat up. You were almost arrested, probably almost hospitalized. You stayed in a cheap motel room, and despite your supposed affinity, the pain in the posts you wrote that night was clear. You don't have a support system. You've been drunk when you're working and at a national conference. You're jeopardizing your career, your health, your life and the lives of other people. 

Hey @StuckinLA I have been following your posts as well and @Ne1 pretty much summed it up with the quote above. I agree with the assessment that if you don't get yourself out of that environment you are never going to get better. I think inpatient care or rehab might be a great option for you. At least there you could be sober, increase your Baclofen and heal. If you don't decide to do either of these things at a minimum go to AA and get a sponsor. Yes I think most of what AA says is total bullshit but it could provide you with a support system to help you get better while you titrate up on Baclofen. It is still very hard to not drink while in AA but it really does help to have people to talk to that can relate to your problems. Praying for you buddy!

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Ne1

@Missykc, You're right. And I'm mortified, but also motivated. Glad I have it in writing, I suppose, as it's a touchstone for how complacent I was. Irrationally angry. SO judgmental. That's NOT who I want to be or what I want to be about. 

@StuckinLA, I hope you can feel the love. xx

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StuckinLA

Reading all of your posts, my life and current situation looks a lot worse than I feel. I hope that I am not in the place most of you think I am in. This morning, Monday morning, I am up and at my desk and kind of grading some papers. Long story about how I decided to do that. These kids didn't get better between paper 1 and paper 2, so the class I haven't got to yet, they all get Bs. Their papers, according to my school's grading standards, were not Bs and I'll probably have to face the music next semester for inflating their grades. But if I'm not doing my job properly, the least I can do is give them higher grades than they "deserve."

::that was written earlier today::

This is now:

I drug myself out of the house to get cigarettes. And then also a bottle. Then walked 120 blocks to where the internet said my phone is (FindMyiPhone). Walked up there in the 90 degree heat and the blazing sun. Looked around, didn't find it. Walked home and forced myself a couple times to get up. Get up, staying where you are is not an option. And I did. Now home, and really wishing I had an alarm clock. I figure I'm pretty much guaranteed to wake up at 4 tomorrow, but I'm terrified I'll sleep through work.

 

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StuckinLA
12 hours ago, Ne1 said:

You're not sleeping. Probably not eating. You have driven drunk. You were in a situation in which you got beat up. You were almost arrested, probably almost hospitalized. You stayed in a cheap motel room, and despite your supposed affinity, the pain in the posts you wrote that night was clear. You don't have a support system. You've been drunk when you're working and at a national conference. You're jeopardizing your career, your health, your life and the lives of other people. 

I went from 50/mg per day up to 75 today.

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StuckinLA

Well, I was about right. Woke up now at 3:45am. I don't have an alarm clock and my phone is still lost, probably forever. Too scared to go back to sleep for fear of oversleeping work. Doing a couple things, not necessarily in order of importance:

1) Stay awake

2) About to make a pot of coffee

3) Getting a glass of water

4) Not drinking from the bottle next to my bed

5) Taking my pills for the day

6) Reminding myself how much love there is here for me on this forum

7) Loving you all very much

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Ne1

LOTS OF LOVE coming to you through the internet from across the country! 

#4 is my favorite. 

You get to get a new phone! Yay! :) 

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StuckinLA

Oh, and 8) Just ordered an alarm clock from amazon w/ same day shipping

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fredson

Stuck, 

 

I haven't really followed your thread since about a year ago- but judging from this downward spiral you will probably be in your parents' basement a year from now at the rate you're going. 

 

The lenient line of work, the vaguely defined relationship and the financial help you're getting from your parents have created a perfect storm of being able to drink 24 hours a day, and the loss of any one of these supports is going to catastrophically bring down your entire life. 

Remember the Hemingway quote about how he went bankrupt? 

"First gradually, and then suddenly."

Suddenly is closer than you think:

You admit that your hold on the academic position is tenuous- there are hundreds, if not thousands of people in your area who could replace you, and a the reputation you're earning is a death sentence in the ultra competitive job market you are in. Your parents are helping you with the implicit assumption that it's going to get your career started- but it's only a matter of time before they start asking why you're floundering. They will start auditing your financial statements and social media posts and start asking prying questions. When something catastrophic finally does happen, they're going to pull the plug altogether out of necessity or spite. 

The one thread going through this entire saga is the girl, and I have no idea why she has stuck around to this point. If it's because she's sharing your living situation, she will be gone the minute it's not available to her anymore. If she has the need to be seen associating with an academic, she will also have the need to NOT be seen with a disgraced academic no matter what you have in common. She might want to "save" you because she sees you as vulnerable- but when she realizes that you are more attached to alcohol than you are to her she's going to spit you out for being pitiful when she wanted to think you were tragic. 

 

I have to ask at this point- do you enjoy living like this? Is it gratifying to get to write about having a Byronic shitshow life on here? 

 

I had a lot in common with you 5 years ago- there was some twisted sense of pride in making sure others could see me destroy myself while still having a high level of functioning so they would be both shocked and impressed. But I progressively burned through everyone around me until there was nothing left but a total sense of disgust that they barely tried to hide from me and I was the last one to realize how pathetic I was. Putting my head up my drunk ass had taken on a life of its own where I hated every waking moment of my life even though I did exactly what I thought I wanted to do all the time.

 

The cycle finally broke when I asked myself what made me happy and what I could take pride in when no one else was looking, because I sincerely didn't want anyone else seeing my sorry excuse for a life anymore. It was a lifesaver- happiness wasn't having an academic title, it wasn't being defined by a job, it wasn't having a trophy girlfriend, and it wasn't having to celebrate to oblivion every night because I quietly hated it. Happiness was adding things to my life that no one else could take away.

 

You have a lot that can (and probably should) be taken away from you right now Stuck, and you won't miss that baggage if you see it for what it is and learn to live without it. 

 

 

 

 

 

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BarrelChested
4 hours ago, fredson said:

I have to ask at this point- do you enjoy living like this? Is it gratifying to get to write about having a Byronic shitshow life on here? 

@fredson is dishing out some strong medicine. I don't know your relationship. And [excepting the quoted section] I'm not going to weigh-in on what he wrote.  I've had other problems in life. I'm a fairly self-aware person... but it takes work. I ask myself, "why do I feel this/that way?" There was a time when I was very in-love-with a girl. A good friend asked me, "why do you feel that way? Why precisely do you 'love' her?" I flippantly replied that it was an asinine question belying an ignorance of the emotion. He pressed me, saying, "just think about it -- really ask yourself what you get from the relationship." I scoffed. I'm a scoffer. I admit it -- pfft, as though you'd understand...  Annnway...  through some "free-writing" and contemplation, I did come to understand the relationship in ways that I had not previously apprehended. I told my friend that to engage in such an exercise might "break the spell" or "undo the magic" of Love. I was surprised on all accounts. I came to understand the role our relationship played in my psychology.  So...

Although @fredson has the bedside manner of Donald Trump at a Mexican strip club... perhaps there's some benefit to giving some thought to some of the things he says. I don't know. I only know that we're all in the same position; we acknowledge that we act against our own best interests. Fsck, I could have voted for Trump. Damn it. Instead of a taco truck on every corner I could'a' had a taco in every hand. This is why I can't have nice things.  But this community cares about you -- hell, you have GOBS of personality. That's a rare thing. Take care of yourself, man...

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BarrelChested
16 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

2) About to make a pot of coffee

I am a coffee snob. I wish that I weren't. Imagine the ignorant bliss of the soccer mom that likes CharBucks pumpkin-spice-puppy-fart-no-foam-cortado-ccino... I've picked coffee of trees in the mountains, seen it drying in parking lots, and buy green beans that I roast at home. I roast at home because I need them to be fresh. When you make espresso (in a machine that you built using an open-source microcontroller to run a PID loop for better thermal regulation), you need the beans to be freshly-roasted (because the oils needed to make a decent crema degrade rapidly; after 4-5 days, I just bin the leftover beans; going to Whole Foods to buy freshly-roasted gets hella old (and not inexpensive)).  So... I'm actually a coffee snob -- albeit a reluctant one.  Daddy likes his medicine.

 

Sooooo... most people have never had a decent cup of coffee. Coffee is NOT bitter. Er, shouldn't be. I'll spare you the long explanation. Here's the skinny: if you cold-brew coffee, you can avoid the bitterness (caused by over-extraction).  Here's what you do: go to a store with a burr grinder (even the national supermarkets have these), grind whole-bean down to "between drip and espresso." Do not use that piece-of-dog-sh1t blade grinder you think is great. If you absolutely must grind at home, PM me -- the bottom-of-the-barrel cost $350. It matters.  Annnnnway, put 200g of that ground coffee into a vessel (preferably glass) with filtered water. Let it "do its thing" for 24-48hrs at room temperature.  Remove the grounds -- I do a series of "gravity filtering" (transfer from jar-to-jar, leaving the grounds behind); filters work... but they're slow and impact the flavor).  Voila -- you have a concentrate that will last you for a week.  I used to heat it up (adding hot water).  I've come to enjoy it cold (with coconut milk).  It's always ready. You don't have to "do" squat in the morning. Just drink/shoot and go.

 

This is a long rant. Just trying to save you time...

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StuckinLA

I have a decent burr grinder, @BarrelChested, I'm not a barbarian. And I have one of the three coffee makers on the market that has a heating element strong enough to heat the water to about 204F. I use unbleached filters, and charcoal-filtered water. Like any rational person, I also have a coffee subscription from a relatively local independent brewer. I was one of their first customers, the owner knows me by name, and the last time I called about an order he took the time to thank me personally. I'm not close enough for their bicycle delivery, but they roast on Tuesdays and ship on Wednesdays, so my beans arrive on Thursdays. I considered home roasting, but I don't have a hood fan on my stove. I'm also keeping my eye on the guy on gofundme who's developing a coffee maker that roasts and then grinds and then brews, all in one unit.

Anyway, I don't fuck around with the important things in life. Though since I've been starting so many days with beer lately, I've fallen behind on my subscription and have several bags here. In fact, the other day I asked my students in each of my classes if they had a grinder at home, and gave one bag away to a student. He said it was really good, but being an undergraduate with zero life experience or knowledge of anything in the world outside of snapchat, he probably has a blade grinder. Pathetic, what a waste.

 

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StuckinLA

There is no particular point in @fredson's post that I disagree with. Fred, your post was a little harsh in tone, either because you were trying to wake me up to reality or because you are truly disgusted by me and my behavior. Obviously I give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you have the best of intentions. The one thing I will say is that it actually is gratifying to post here, even about the trainwreck of a life that I have currently. I want to leave something behind, and if it's not the novel I'm ¾ of the way through, then at least it will be my threads. And people have told me the thread on MWO is helpful, entertaining, and emotional. I hope this one is, too, for anyone out there hurting.

Today was rough. I took my 75mg of bac all at once around 4:30 or 5 this morning, but then became really nauseas and three up almost immediately. So I doubt I absorbed any of it or the gabapentin I took at the same time. So I was taking a lot of gabapentin through the day and took another 75mg of bac when I got home. Had a horrible panic attack in my afternoon class - so bad I kind of felt like it was actually a medical issue and not just normal withdrawal. It passed, so either it really was just panic or I had a minor heart attack. 

The bac SEs tonight are pretty bad, combined with the fact that I didn't drink today. Or at least not after sunrise. Not sure what my motivation for that is. I went to that same liquor store near campus, bought a pint of whiskey and two minis of vodka. The whiskey was a safety blanket, I didn't want to drink it when I was driving home in 5 hours, but I did intend to drink the minis. But instead I hid all of it in my bag and didn't drink. And didn't drink when I got home. Is this the start of turning things around? I don't know.

So, I can't seem to fall asleep. I've been up for almost 24 hours, and this has been a long, exhausting day. I did eat, though. Leftover vegan Thai that I ordered the other day. And drinking lots of water. Anyway, that's it. Hope ya'll are having a good one. Or, rather, right now I hope you all are asleep.

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Reggie

Hey stuck just wondering the 3/4 written book ........what's it about ?

please ignore my question if you would rather  not answer . Completely understand 

just the idea of a writer with a  3/4 written book I m ...interested 

 

Edited by Reggie
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Ne1

Even Reggie has stopped by! Wow. Feel the love, Stuck. 

Great thoughts from Fredson. It's best to assume the best of intentions. Speaking of which, y'all know we have some Trump supporters in our midst, right? Looking for help and support and feedback, just like the supporters of other political parties. just sayin' (Sorry, Reg. I know you hate hit when I say that. Couldn't resist.) 

8 hours ago, BarrelChested said:

I am a coffee snob.

Why doesn't that surprise me? I'm pretty sure that there is a way to take everything seriously. Yes, I'm teasing you! There's more where that comes from, but I'll refrain. I like you and I like the way you write. It makes me want to write, and to think about what I write. And to think about writing, itself. Powerful stuff. Now that you have decided that I might have a smidgen of intelligence (I can't remember your exact words, but lol) and Stuck DOES have personality and to spare, you will stick around, hopefully. I don't want to discourage that. You might decide you like me, too. Plenty of people haven't over the years. Liked me that is. It's usually British men. I drive British men to bitter distraction for some reason I wish I understood. (Bacman?) Enough about me. 

I went through a period of time grinding and all that. I just couldn't commit. (Surprise!) Last time I bought a coffee maker, I bought one of the ones Stuck was talking about. It's on the very short list that's been approved by the International Coffee Snobs of the World Committee. I hate it. It has an on/off switch and that's it. I can't set the timer the night before and I have to wait until the entire pot has brewed before I can take a cup. This thrills Ed, who cares more about how his coffee tastes than I do. I want it hot. And dark. And immediately. The coffee maker cost a fortune, though, so I'm stuck with it. I'd buy a Krups if I could justify the expense and the environmental impact. I still have some standards. <sigh>

Stuck, I'm thrilled that you didn't drink yesterday. I'm confused about how you're taking baclofen, since you know all the things we know about taking it, and suffer from side effects worse than most. I hope today is a brighter day, though the first couple were not, for me. Then the election rocked my world enough for me to get out of my own head for just a minute, long enough and jarring enough to stand up in the morning with a fresh perspective. Even when it's all about me, it's not just about me. We are all stuck at the bottom of the same mountain pushing the same damn rock up it and I, for one, don't like doing the same one twice. Or three times, now, I guess, since I hope I've reached the tipping point this second time and can (to continue the metaphor) roll downhill from here. Please, please, please. 

Different mountains, different rocks, maybe. But this one, this one I want to be done with. Hang in there, Stuck. 

 

 

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BarrelChested
1 hour ago, Ne1 said:

y'all know we have some Trump supporters in our midst, right?

I was just going for the joke, mainly. In my addled (boozed-up) state, it amused me. I had... four negronis, last night? I feel like death, today -- more likely a result of hot yoga followed by failing to drink water. #dumb  But I'll try to tamp-down the politics. I was trying to be jovial about it -- laughter is medicine. And much of my humor is dark or off-color. #sorry

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Jetsman32

Hey @StuckinLA I have been thinking a lot about you lately and your situation. I truly feel for your brother. I know you will find a way to dig yourself out of this rut. You still have my number but haven't called. Pick up the phone wherever and whenever you need to.

During my last bender, before I found all of you and Baclofen I was riding in the car with my wife and she played a song for me that had me in tears. Mind you I was still ridiculously drunk, yet I still found the song soothing and it gave me hope that there are people that care about me and I had the power to change. I know you aren't a religious guy so whenever you hear the word Cross just think of us. There isn't much God talk in it anyway. Please plug in your headphones, jack up the volume and just sit back and give it a listen. I'd love to know your thoughts. 

The song is titled Just Be Held

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ

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StuckinLA

Thanks, @Jetsman32. The last few weeks I had a lot of issues, depression, and I was in free fall. But while today is only my first full, actual 24 hour period of sobriety, yesterday damn near almost was and so I'm gonna go ahead and call this Day 2. And right now I'm in the mood to fight.

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Ne1

RAWR

That is what I'm talkin' about, Stuck. Strength and focus and love coming through the internet straight to you, my brother. When I look in the mirror these days it's a completely different experience. I see... infinite, exponential potential. (Is that braggy? I don't mean to brag.) Life is opening up. (Is that cheesy? Well, I'm cheesy on occasion. Especially when it feels so good. :)

@Jetsman32, thanks so much for sharing that song. I was moved. "There's freedom in surrender, so lay it down and let it go." Amen. I wish I could internalize those words and truly live them. Faith and trust are hard to come by, for me. I loved the imagery, too. 

 

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StuckinLA

I have news, @Ne1. But don't have time to update for a proper post. The one point that you're looking for, though, is that somehow I haven't had a drink since Monday/Tuesday in the wee hours of the morning. So what does that make today, Day 6? 

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