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The End of my Addiction
StuckinLA

My Space to Pretty Much Just B*tch

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StuckinLA

OK so here's the deal.

I am not fired. I turned my work in today. Even though I was absent for the mandatory things Monday and yesterday, so far I just have one meeting with one of the assistant directors of my program. They expect me to work for the rest of the year, and I am scheduled to teach next quarter.

My parents are coming out for the weekend. My girl is staying the night every night.

I am drinking a little, just enough to not shake. They are going to get me through Friday - Friday afternoon is the meeting at work, and my dad has already planned to drive me down there. Once I get through that, I go to a hospital to detox. My preference is for a 5 day thing and then AA or white knuckling or whatever. If my girl or my parents tell me I need rehab, I'll do that.

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Alice22

Just let everyone take care of you right now. 

Glad to hear you aren't fired. 

I am hoping for the best for you. 

 

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StuckinLA

I decided today is the day. Yesterday was slow maintenance drinking, and I didn't get very drunk. I haven't had a drink since a little after the girl left, around 10pm or so.

Not sure what is up with my health insurance. For some reason it's not working and the website says it's "inactive," whatever the F that means. I am going to a hospital to get checked out regardless. Need to make sure that severe panic attack a couple weeks ago wasn't actually a minor heart attack. I'm scared that it was, and what that will mean for my future.

Because I want to get well. I want to exercise again, more than just long walks. But Jesus, I haven't even quit smoking. And my diet, though mostly vegetarian and some vegan, is still pretty crap. And I haven't eaten in a couple days.

If no insurance, rehab isn't an option. Inpatient or outpatient. But either way I think I'll go back to AA, just a few nights a week. If nothing else, to make some damned friends. One of the guys that goes to the Monday meeting also works at the local bookstore, and he seems pretty cool. I've been very alone for a long time.

I have the willpower for this, I've done it before and felt great. Wasn't scared to go into a bar and have something nonalcoholic. Maybe this time I won't play with fire quite so much.

EDIT: Oh, and as soon as the insurance is sorted I'm getting a psychiatrist. No SSRIs, but if it takes a little valium now and again to maintain my sobriety, then that's what it takes. And weed will be legal here soon, if I can find a strain that doesn't give me panic attacks then great. Whatever it takes to stay away from the bottle.

Edited by StuckinLA
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Jetsman32

Hey Stuck, I can't apologize enough for not replying sooner. Admittedly, I have been focusing on some work related things lately. 

I know you don't believe in it, but I am praying for you and truly hope you find some help. If rehab is what you need right now to get sober then I say go for it.

As an HR guy I would like to offer a word of advice though. Alcoholism is a disease which means if you go to Rehab and send the paperwork to your HR department you are protected from being fired. This extends to a grace period when you return. It basically wipes out your past and gives you a fresh start in the eyes of employment law.

Short-term disability is great because you still get paid. However, if you need to get long term help I might suggest FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). This is unpaid however you can take it for as long as your doctor deems necessary and your position with your employer is protected. They cannot replace you and must hold either your job or a job at an equal level for you upon your return. With this you also get the same protections as short term disability meaning a fresh start. Your prior violations (being late, no-shows) are cleared.

If you do decide to go to rehab and wan't to protect your job please message me anytime and I can guide you through what steps you need to take.

Wishing nothing but the best for you my friend. Please keep us updated.

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Alice22

@StuckinLA If you have a facility in mind they will verify the insurance for you.  You need to call your Human Resources Department, insurance websites are notoriously not up-to -date. Or if you have the card call the phone number on the back and they will tell you your benefit.  I went to rehab inpatient 3 times last year and 2 of the stays were covered almost completely. 

I liked AA when I went for 2 months or so. Sometimes I went to 3 meetings a day.  This was after the 3rd rehab and  I relapsed and felt embarrassed to go back.  There were two women I liked and I've tried calling and texting but no response.  I really liked the social part of it though, I really need some friends too and it would be so great to talk to someone like me, struggling with this thing. There were  few people too who were so funny and smart and I just liked them, I liked listening to them.  I've heard of a supposedly great meeting near my house, a women's meeting, 7am.  I think I might try it once. I once heard "the opposite of addiction is connection" and I think it's a little bit true.  I think this is the best thing that AA offers and the real reason some stay sober.   I wished I could have stayed sober with just AA.  I don't like the idea of medication for the rest of my life .

Good luck with everything,  I wish I could help you with the insurance, I'm good at that.  I used to work in Human Resources. You have got to have coverage.  Some of people in rehab don't even have jobs, a few were street people and 2 girls victims of human trafficking and they were covered by some Plan. 

I've been smoking pot too, I think it does help. It helps me sleep although I really need to stop since I think my kids are stealing it from me, and this is a whole other way I'm being an irresponsible parent.  But for now it's how I get by.  I once had medicinal marijuana from California (a woman in rehab gave it to me) It was this sort of gel you put under your tongue and god, I loved it.  All the tension just left my body.  It's legal in DC but still no where to buy it. 

Glad to see you are better today.  I am glad your parents are coming. I'm sure they are worried sick, I would be.  

 

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Jetsman32

Good advice Alice. Also- when you call your HR department make sure to tell them what's going on with you. You are protected under HIPPA- everything you say to them is confidential. Plus it will be applied to your file so if they attempt to terminate you it will become troublesome. Make sure you are speaking with your HR Central team- not just an HR Business Partner (not even sure if colleges have those though).

Stay in touch with your HR department and send them any and all documentation you receive from medical professionals and let them guide you on FMLA and or disability- which you will absolutely need if you go to an inpatient rehab. The more they have documented for you the better. It seems counter-intuitive to share all of this with your company but it really does protect your employment. The government definitely got something right on that. 

I was never a fan of AA myself but I know people it works wonders for. Sometimes all you need is another person you can meet with or call on the phone that is willing to listen and be there for you. There are also some great lessons to be learned at AA regarding coping strategies. I took most of it (higher power, moral deficiencies) and threw it out the window but just listening to other people's stories of loss can be enough to help keep you straight. It's like anything else, absorb the good and toss the bad- but listen to it all.

@Alice22 I had the same AA experience as you. When I was there they seemed to be my best friends but the minute you stop going they want nothing to do with you. You become poison in their eyes. It's really sad actually. Stuck- don't let that discourage you though. Go out and get any and all help you can. 

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StuckinLA

Thank you both for your awesomely excellent advice, @Jetsman32and @Alice22.

I have been in contact with my HR department. She said that I guess when I went from a quarterly adjunct to a new year-long contract Everything got cancelled. So I actually haven't had any insurance since freaking June. She is looking into what we can do to restore everything, which is great since I missed the open enrollment period.

Anyway, feeling a little shitty but not as bad as I expected.

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Jetsman32

Oh wow. Have you been paying your premium since June anyway? If they didn't send you notice that your benefits were cancelled/suspended you might just have a lawsuit on your hand since you are now legally required to carry them. A company can't just stop insurance without written notice of cancellation. In the case they do cancel they have to offer you COBRA. Sounds like in this case they dropped the ball and are scrambling to try to make things right. They better move quickly because you've got them by the short-hairs.

In any case, glad you are feeling part-way better!

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