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The End of my Addiction
StuckinLA

My Space to Pretty Much Just B*tch

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time2quit

Jeez ne who doesn't know that song.  I'm pretty sure stuck is youngest of all of us who post  could be wrong tho

My favorite woman song currently.  Sung by dudes, I know but still awesome....  Stuck needs to send this to his woman.

 

Edited by time2quit
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StuckinLA

My girl and I texted all afternoon. It was dirty and wonderful. I will spare you the details, but it was really good.

But also real sad - at the end of it all she said she wants to go to my Monday AA meeting with me. She gets home Monday and we won't make it, but I looked up a meeting for Tuesday. She is going to support me, and I am going to do this for her. I will do anything for her. I will get up out of this bed and I will get up and go do the things I need to do.

It's going to take me a minute. And I'm going to have to go get cigarettes here before long. 

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StuckinLA
8 hours ago, time2quit said:

My favorite woman song currently.  Sung by dudes, I know but still awesome....  Stuck needs to send this to his woman.

 

I actually am going to send this to her. Not until 11, since that's when she'll be waking up today (in the UK). So I have to be up for a little bit.

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StuckinLA
9 hours ago, time2quit said:

I'm pretty sure stuck is youngest of all of us who post  could be wrong tho

 

I turn 37 in about an hour and a half.

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StuckinLA

My girl is sleeping next to my feet right now. 

I have to clean her litter box.

But she's sleeping at my feet.

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MJM

Happy Birthday Stuck. You're just a young'un. You'll have plenty more candles to blow out.

Edited by MJM
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StuckinLA

Well, it is about 6:30. I've been up for about an hour and a half, and I am not drinking. I promised my girl all kinds of things last night, and I think I might actually stick to some of them. I have to go down to school today, and collect my students' papers. Lots of grading this weekend. When I finish this post the next website I click on will be AA, to find a meeting tonight. I don't care where it is, don't care what time. I will go. Happy birthday to me, right?

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time2quit

Happy Birthday bro!  and remember no matter what the calendar says

 

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Ne1
21 hours ago, Molly78 said:

"....all extremely successful & productive alcoholics...."

 

No, that's an oxymoron. They might be functioning alcoholics, at the moment. But we all know what happens eventually to the functioning alcoholic - they stop functioning. Your rellies just haven't reached that point yet, & they are lacking in insight as well or they would be actively trying to treat their problem, like you are.

BTW, so much to respond to in your post, Molly. This one, for instance. My parents and brother, in particular, are very (academically, professionally and financially) successful, and definitely have alcoholism. That doesn't mean that they wouldn't be (or would have been) more successful without it, or that alcoholism doesn't affect other aspects of their lives in really negative ways. I see my father in my brother and it makes me realize just how weird it is to grow up in an alcoholic family. Keep in mind that I was a nanny (and this is the first time I've admitted that publicly!) and know how other families are pretty intimately. (The help always knows. lol) And so I actually have a bit of comparison. And really, what I learned very clearly, is that we are ALL fucked up. Seriously. But there's a dynamic in a family with alcoholism that means the person is just not present for a lot of stuff, even when they're right there. 

20 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

But holy fuckballs I am going to slay everyone on this green earth who won't answer my phone calls. You included, Ne.

I am phone-phobic. Even when I'm not depressed, I hate talking on the phone. Sorry. It ain't about you, so don't take it personally.  

11 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

I will do anything for her. I will get up out of this bed and I will get up and go do the things I need to do.

Not sayin' that she isn't a good motivation, and I'm extremely glad you're being supported by her in this venture, but you can't do it for her. Figure out reasons to do it for you. But in the meantime, whatever it takes to get you up and out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other. Man, that's how I feel every day. I just try to do SOMETHING that means I'm fighting the good fight and not giving in. I know I'm a superhero. I just forgot how to put on the cape. But I've done it before and I'll do it again. RAWR. ;) 

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StuckinLA

No worries, Ne. 

She is good motivation, but I am motivated on my own, too. I'm tired, worn out. And I don't want to lose week after week and I'm fed up with the cycle. I'm embarrassed by my recycling. There's liquor here that I can't bring myself to pour down the sink yet, but I am going to this meeting in an hour. It's at a cafe, so I don't know what to expect. I'll let you know how it goes.

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StuckinLA

Class sucked today. I wasn't feeling great (obviously), and there was a bad accident on my route so it took 2 hours - 2 hours! - to get to school. In the middle of sitting idle in traffic I emailed all the students in my first class that I would be in my office as soon as I got to campus. But I figured I'd swing by the classroom first - I was 20 minutes late and they were just starting to gather in the hall to head to my office. So we got a little bit of a class in, but I didn't really have much planned. Second class was a little better, but not much and we ended early. This is not the best impression to be leaving so close to the end of the class (and the student evaluations). But what can you do.

The meeting wasn't bad. Kind of a weird setup - two people (a sponsor and one of her sponsees) and they just had a fifteen minute conversation between each other, basically about emotional sobriety. Only about 7 or 8 people total. I didn't share, but I did chat with a guy afterward and exchange phone numbers.

The cafe has a back room permanently set up just for AA, which explains why so many groups meet there - like, three a day every day. Not sure what my plan for tomorrow is. I could go back there but all the meetings are in the morning. I'd have to head out toward Hollywood to find anything in the evening, so maybe I'll just get up and go to this 10:30 am meeting.

I desperately need to do laundry and dishes. And start grading papers tomorrow. It's already 10pm and I'm kind of wiped out. There's one more Ativan in my future this evening so I can get some sleep (I have enough to get through the next couple days). I'd sort of intended to take a bubble bath but I'm feeling pretty lazy and will probably just get in bed, maybe read or maybe watch TV.

Oh, and I'm changing my diet - I'm trying out this new thing called Soylent (https://www.soylent.com). It's just a powder that you mix up with water - but not like a protein shake. This has everything a body needs, it's totally vegan, and in theory you could live on it alone. I've been interested for a while in replacing most of my meals with this, and I finally took the plunge. And thank goodness it arrived today, as liquids were about all I could get down, and this way I got 1,000 calories in today. Much better than what I would've gotten otherwise.

I'm coming through all my cabinets - I swear I had a whole bunch of gabapentin lying around still, but can't find it. Maybe I should just go ahead and order some more. 

Anyway, guess that about sums up the day. Hope you all are having a good one.

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StuckinLA

Good morning, everyone.

It's become pretty clear that drunk-participation isn't welcome on this forum. And so I will stop. All I can say is that the progress threads on MWO were a different time and a different place. When MWO updated their server or whatever they did a few months ago, all the view counts and everything reset. So you will just have to trust me when I say this: My thread there was one of the longest, one of the most viewed, and the last of the really involved daily journal-type threads. 

The same here. I started posting because Ne basically told me I had to, so I started a personal story thread. It seemed for a while that a lot of people liked reading it, even though I was drunk. Now it seems the opposite. I didn't figure I was harming anyone or the forum as a whole, because this was just one man's personal thread among all the different sections and threads on this forum. I don't want to turn off any newcomers or any lurkers who are looking for a way out of this disease.

I will say this one final time: baclofen does what we say it does. It will, eventually, make you not care about alcohol. I have experienced this. I have sat in a bar with a drink in front of me for hours, wanting to get fucked up, and simply forgot to drink the drink. Like, consciously in my head I knew that I needed to put the alcohol in my stomach to get fucked up, but that just didn't connect to my hand, which needed to pick up the drink and put it to my mouth in order for that to happen.

There are a lot of side effects with baclofen, and the titrating up part can be really difficult. That's what the progress threads on MWO were all about. I decided to stop taking baclofen, and I have been a drunk again ever since. So, newbies and lurkers, now you know why I say the pills work and yet I am still posting here as a drunk mess.

I thought that this little space here on this personal story space was what the title of the thread indicates: my space to just bitch about anything and everything.

It now looks like that isn't the case. So I'm shutting this whole thing down. I'm not going to post here anymore. Not going back to MWO, not going to post here. Those of you whom I know, I will still love your texts and everything else. The person who PM'd me about some editing work, I will find you. But other than that, we're done here. 

But don't ever say that I don't want to get sober and get better. For one, last night I completely cut off my suicidal drunk friend. The details used to be what my thread here was all about: great stories of sitting on a curb at the side of the street screaming at this guy as he swayed on his feet. Regardless, I told him not to contact me again until he gets himself dry and ready to support my life decisions.

I was texting with my girl before she got on her plane to come home. Then we were talking on the phone. I shouldn't have told her that I'd been drinking this weekend, but I did. Because I want to stop. So I told her and that meant all the good progress we'd made this week evaporated. If I didn't want to get better for myself and for her, would I have told her that? She's pissed as hell, she doesn't really want me to come get her at the airport anymore. But I didn't want to keep lying to her or hiding the truth, so I told her exactly what was up, even at the cost of her good will. So I have no idea what's going to happen today, or tomorrow.

That's my story, guys n' gals. If you like it, fine. If you don't, I don't care. If you've been sober for years and don't want to read about a dude who can't get his shit together, I suggest you do what I said in my first or maybe second post - don't fucking read this thread. OK? I'm a narcissist and self-absorbed and I love having people around here thanking and liking my posts. But I never once said that people need to read this - the opposite, in fact. You don't like it? Don't read it.

Either way, I am done here. T2Q, I hope you're doing well man, haven't heard from you in a while. Ne, you want me you can text me. LIS, I miss you so much, sweetie. I hope you're doing all right and I look forward to our occasional texts. 

We will now have a moment of silent prayer for the alcoholic who still suffers.

God, 

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The Courage to change the things I can.

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Peace Out, Peeps.

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Ne1

Hmmmmm. I'm going to contradict a lot of what I wrote earlier.

Because you know what, Stuck? You're right. And for the record, my old progress thread was also very popular and widely read. Lots of people participated and it wasn't just about me and it wasn't narcissistic or self-aggrandizing. It was a whole bunch of people at very different stages in their efforts toward sobriety supporting each other. But that's not really your point, I don't think. 

I think your point is that neither of us were sober when we started** and then we got there--to sobriety--with support from our friends, and since then, we've relapsed. It happens. In fact, it's the rule.

But if you look at my old thread, you'll see that right from the beginning there was a discussion about the fact that I must use abstinence in order to get well, and I argued ferociously that the promise of baclofen (specifically) is that you don't HAVE to be abstinent for it to work. And I was right. We don't. Abstinence isn't necessary, and not only that, it doesn't even have to be someone's goal to participate here. How fucking frustrating was it that we couldn't talk about drinking on the other forum without being attacked and have our words thrown back at us?

This is a process. And we should, we MUST be honest about where we are and what we're doing. We have to do that for us, and we have to do it for the people who come after us. Because those threads ARE the most popular, and the most legitimate. Lostinspace's thread was the same thing--And people beat her up all the time about the fact that she was "still" drinking. Jesus. That place sucked, and those people who contributed only the negative, really hurtful comments, sucked. She was under so much pressure to stop drinking that she couldn't post for a while. And she definitely couldn't post openly and honestly about everything else. 

And how many times have we heard from people who discouraged us from talking openly about the side effects or truthfully about our drinking; before, during and after indifference? SO MANY TIMES. And guess what? The reason for this forum, the sole purpose, was not to avoid a certain troll. It was so that we could talk openly and honestly about where we were and what we were going through. Without being attacked for what we were experiencing. Even Dundrinkin pointed it out in her post on my thread. What she wrote there, about deciding to remain abstinent, is something she never could have written or spoken openly about on the other forum. 

Now that doesn't mean that I don't think that people who are fed up with us shouldn't point that out. I lost my temper the other day and wrote that really mean post because I am fed up with both of us. (I realized after the fact that the post, what I wrote, was as relevant to my life as I thought it would be in yours.) (By the way, and for the official record, I'll once again apologize that I was so mean. I didn't mean to be mean. I wish I had been more gentle. With both of us.) 

Here's the other thing that's important for people to know: I am not trying to be anyone's role model. I refuse to be the face of baclofen, or the portrait of sobriety, because that's just too much fucking pressure. And no-one else should be either. (Maybe Terryk. But he might be a total asshole in real life, and we wouldn't know it because he doesn't really post his personal business. :o So maybe not even him.) So if someone comes on here, and doesn't like what they see, they'll go away. But baclofen works. So do the other meds. And peer support (as I've said repeatedly) has been proven to be as or more effective than just about anything. 

Anyway, back to the point(s). First of all, you can't stop posting. I will hound you like a...like a...like a...whatever. I will hound you until you start posting again. Secondly, sorry about my other post on my thread. I'll amend it tomorrow. Because I don't agree with all of the things I wrote and I'm really glad you pointed my own hypocrisy about how I actually feel and what I wrote. 

That said, I do agree that it is hard to watch/read someone spinning 'round the drain or seeming to not do anything to change anything. But that doesn't mean it's not true and real and rightfully written on a forum where alcoholism is the topic. It is. And if all the people here were happily sober, then wtf would be the point? 

Sorry I didn't have your back, brother. See you tomorrow. 

EDIT: **Well, I actually think you were sober when you got to MWO, but then not sober for awhile, then sober again, then you couldn't keep taking baclofen because of the pain, and so not sober again..Right? 

 

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Baclofenman

Stuck

I saw the posts, I assume you are referring to, in two ways

Firstly, it was pointing out that their dream was that this was going to be a forum where the sober helped out the drunk, with advise and sagely words and it was not to be site for the ramblings of a drunken school teacher with no intention of reaching sobriety

Secondly, it was frustration at you and Ne for not being able to reach either sobriety or a position where you/her were drinking at a level of normality (Like most people do)

I have to admit, I shared, at least the second observation - Ne will tell you how I feel about her "not pulling herself together" - Although I hate myself for saying it, she knows what I mean and why I say it

I love your thread - Your writings make me laugh and cry - The comedy that you manage to portray through such a serious subject is epic - I sometimes wonder where you are going but then you go a couple of days sober and things look up again

I am not so blind to understand that abstinence is not the only way to being sober, likewise I do not think Baclofen is the only "way out" method or attitude to have

The diversifying thing about a forum is that everyone has different ideas and beliefs, it is about sticking to where you feel comfortable

You know, NS once said to me that it was odd that on MWO the nesters and the Medication members never mixed - I tried for a while, myself to mix in both and you know what, it does not mix - Rather like we are finding here, some areas do not mix - SK is looking for sobriety and looking after the newbies and you are after a different area, using your given talents to record you progress - Neither is wrong

Mate, your a funny guy - I wonder if you feel you would not be as funny, entertaining and infectious if you were sober - Only you know that answer but what I do know is you cannot go on living like this forever

If I have totally misread you post SK, I apologise

Peace Bruva

 

Bacman

 

 

Edited by Baclofenman
Spell Checker Malfuntcion :)-
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Baclofenman
37 minutes ago, Ne1 said:

Hmmmmm. I'm going to contradict a lot of what I wrote earlier.

 

HA

37 minutes ago, Ne1 said:

Abstinence isn't necessary, and not only that, it doesn't even have to be someone's goal to participate here. How fucking frustrating was it that we couldn't talk about drinking on the other forum without being attacked and have our words thrown back at us?

Abstinence is a purely selfish thing - Like anyone's journey, everyone is different - I wish i did not have to be abstinent - I just have to be, I think - I am scared that trying to moderate I will blow the hard work and hermit like existence the last 149 days have been for me

So whatever works - I have no right to contradict any ones personal goals and aims

43 minutes ago, Ne1 said:

Now that doesn't mean that I don't think that people who are fed up with us shouldn't point that out.

I agree but with the aforementioned taken into account and the understanding that this forum is that  - A forum, for everybody affected by alcohol to have their voice in the way that inspires them - "Inclusion not exclusion" , this is a wise saying and the more you read it the more you can read INTO it

46 minutes ago, Ne1 said:

First of all, you can't stop posting. I will hound you like a...like a...like a...whatever. I will hound you until you start posting again.

+ 1 - And I am 'arder (might not translate)

49 minutes ago, Ne1 said:

That said, I do agree that it is hard to watch/read someone spinning 'round the drain or seeming to not do anything to change anything. But that doesn't mean it's not true and real and rightfully written on a forum where alcoholism is the topic. It is. And if all the people here were happily sober, then wtf would be the point? 

+1

FFS, that three times I have agreed with you Ne, in a single post - This has got to stop

Stuck, this is hard to watch and despite your funny spin on things, there are people out there who actually give a shit about you who worry

Regards

 

Bacman

 

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Ne1
7 minutes ago, Baclofenman said:

FFS, that three times I have agreed with you Ne, in a single post - This has got to stop

xD:hug:

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DunDrinkn

Dear Stuck,

OK. I've written about five different things and erased them. You MUST keep posting here. I insist on it. I was going to give you a "writing prompt" but decided that was obnoxious. I'm guessing that you were hurt by the post made. I understand why you took it to heart. But I, for one, don't want you to go away.  In fact, I would love to read an exploration into what's going on underneath the surface. Like talk more about your hurt/resentment with your Girl. I think there is much there that you've alluded to, but haven't gone into. The reason I think you haven't is because you've taken on the recriminations of your drinking as being the sole issue that has caused the rift. I would argue it is not the sole reason. And I believe she is also has a part.  So I am inviting you to write about that. Or your rabbit. Or whatever you want to write about. But just write.

I don't want this place to be sanitized. Living life and dealing with addiction is messy business. It's funny, it's sad, it can be tragic. Sometimes we're sailing along, and sometimes we're face down in the mud. People coming here will dig through and read what resonants with them. They'll find what they're looking for. I'm not interested in putting a pretty face on something that just isn't that attractive. 

For those worried about what newcomers' impressions are of us, perhaps starting an Abstinence thread. For those who are AF, or trying to be, we could check in there and that would be a good/easy way for someone to see "success" stories. 

 

 

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Baclofenman
53 minutes ago, Baclofenman said:

 

You know, NS once said to me that it was odd that on MWO the nesters and the Medication members never mixed - I tried for a while, myself to mix in both and you know what, it does not mix - Rather like we are finding here, some areas do not mix - SK is looking for sobriety and looking after the newbies and you are after a different area, using your given talents to record you progress - Neither is wrong

A a total hijack - The nest is a great place with some really nice, kind and welcoming peeps - It is a great place for new members to startbefore finding their area(s)

Regards

 

Bacman

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StuckinLA

Oh good Lord I hate the feeling of my blood alcohol level dropping.

Woke up in my bed today and I reread a lot of this forum and a lot of my text messages, and drank a bit to get myself back to center. 

But I also realized that I need to go get my car from where it's parked by my buddy's place, and I also want very badly to pick my girl up from the airport. So, eye on the clock, I stopped drinking around noon. And now here I am, letting all that get out of my system. Waiting for the time to go get her. 

I will be all right, it just hurts a lot. And this forum, too, hurts a lot at the moment. Sometimes in a good way. Thank you all. Thank you for being here and thank you for reaching out.

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Ne1

Airing dirty laundry here, even though it's mine. 

I took a shower tonight around 8pm. I cannot remember the last time I took a shower. (That's kind of funny, don't you think? I mean, do you have to think about when you last bathed?) I think my last shower was 5 days ago before I had an appt with my pdoc. In between then and now, I've worked in the garden and yard for a couple of days, and chain-smoked my way to an early death. My poor husband. I remember what it was like when he crawled into bed with me when I was sober and he was not, and I still wanted to be near him because I knew that we were inevitably going to divorce. But omg, the smell of booze from him, even the morning after, was awful. Thank god we have a king size bed now. He doesn't have to inhale me. ugh. At least I hope that's the case. 

Too embarrassing for words, but there it is. 

I did some other productive things today toward not being depressed or drinking against my will. One of them was the shower, obviously. It actually took will power to do it. For real. But goddamn, it's nice to be clean. 

Baby steps, baby. Every day, something that moves us toward the goal instead of away from it.

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StuckinLA

I screwed up. I thought I was OK, I thought I quit drinking early enough in the day that by 6pm I'd be all right. I took a cab to get my car - where I'd thrown all my bags and my wallet and everything in the trunk last night. So I got out of the cab and immediately went to the car for an Ativan, then I went in to talk with my friend - his wife is back from her weekend trip, apparently. Anyway, I was apologizing profusely for yesterday, for the weekend, for last night.

He said no worries. The suicidal friend is a dick, my buddy's wife got pissed at him at bar trivia last Thursday, they all agree he's an ass and treating me unfairly, etc. I said thanks, and I'll get going now.

So I'm on the road and realizing that I really shouldn't be driving. So instead of going to the airport, I get off the highway and head home. I was about to get a cab to go at least show up by the time my girl lands. I'm standing there in my kitchen  when she texts to say she's already at the gate.

Fuck, she's early.

So I tell her to grab a cab and I'll pay for it. Maybe we can see each other at her place tonight? She thinks maybe we can. And that's where I'm at - trying to get another shot down, with a little juice. Waiting for my girl to text - I really truly deep down do want to see her tonight. I need to see her tonight.

That's where I am, and good bad or indifferent, I will post about it on my own freaking thread if it's true and if it helps me feel better. 

Edited by StuckinLA
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StuckinLA

PS - I texted my buddy when I got home. 

Hey, just FYI since you saw how bad of shape I'm in, I figured you'd want to know that I got home safely and didn't go all the way to the airport. Thanks for everything again, etc.

He texted back to say No, we had no idea you were in bad shape. You should've just let us know, and we would've helped you get your car home.

 

The moral of the story here, I guess, is that while I feel on the verge of a breakdown, I suppose that it isn't showing. 

Edited by StuckinLA
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StuckinLA

Oh man I really hate Day 1s. By the grace of God I pray this is the last Day 1 for a while. 

First, today: weak and shaky as hell, as always. Got home from work and poured out all the leftover booze. Going to go for a walk in a bit, then the girl is coming over after work and she's going to accompany me to a meeting.

Now, yesterday: first she said I could take a cab over to her place, but if she smelled liquor on me she wouldn't let me in the house. But then she showed up on my doorstep. We sat and talked for a while - she felt like I have been manipulating her. And she's probably not wrong, though it's difficult for me to figure out if I'm manipulating her consciously or not, and I told her that, too. Alcoholics manipulate, it's what we do.

Her back was sore from travel and the flight, and I convinced her to come inside for a back massage. Even though I'd been drinking, and the place reeks of smoke, things went well and she spent the night. I fell asleep pretty quickly, but woke up at 3 and couldn't get back to bed. 

I have no intention of being in contact with the "friend" who does not support my attempts at sobriety. That was just a completely destructive relationship, and I have to cut him off for my sanity.

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Ne1

Hey. So I've got two questions for you. Well, actually, first let me say that I think Dun had some good thoughts. And I wonder, too, about your relationship with your girlfriend, but I think that stuff might be better left for a therapy session than here. ha.

So my first question is did you actually cut off your friend who kept threatening suicide? How's that going? I think that's fair enough, actually. Glad you're extricating yourself from that relationship. 

And the second question is, have you made it to any meetings? I really wish I could go to AA. I might try again, actually. I wonder if I could get myself dressed and out of the house to go to a women's meeting? I wonder if it would just make me mad. What is it like for you? There are so many things that I miss about AA. And so many things I don't. ha. 

Oh, and the third question is, why are you just planning on going to AA (I'm assuming that's your plan) when we're pretty clear that while AA can be really helpful, medications for the disease of addiction greatly increase your chances of successful sobriety? I mean, the science is conclusive. Everything listed in the meds section down below increases the chances of maintaining sobriety. Even campral, if you can stay sober while you're taking it. Definitely naltrexone. I really don't understand why you are so resistant to meds. Even just seeing a doctor and perhaps discussing the fact that you might have depression. But hell, even just seeing a doctor. Ya' know? That confuses me, given all this time that you've been around the meds threads...Maybe you just haven't read about this stuff? 

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Ne1

We cross-posted. Glad you guys had a chance to talk and some time together. 

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Ne1

Oh, and congrats on Day 1. I hope it's the last one for a while, too. :hug:

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Baclofenman
1 minute ago, StuckinLA said:

Oh man I really hate Day 1s. By the grace of God I pray this is the last Day 1 for a while. 

First, today: weak and shaky as hell, as always. Got home from work and poured out all the leftover booze. Going to go for a walk in a bit, then the girl is coming over after work and she's going to accompany me to a meeting.

Now, yesterday: first she said I could take a cab over to her place, but if she smelled liquor on me she wouldn't let me in the house. But then she showed up on my doorstep. We sat and talked for a while - she felt like I have been manipulating her. And she's probably not wrong, though it's difficult for me to figure out if I'm manipulating her consciously or not, and I told her that, too. Alcoholics manipulate, it's what we do.

Her back was sore from travel and the flight, and I convinced her to come inside for a back massage. Even though I'd been drinking, and the place reeks of smoke, things went well and she spent the night. I fell asleep pretty quickly, but woke up at 3 and couldn't get back to bed. 

I have no intention of being in contact with the "friend" who does not support my attempts at sobriety. That was just a completely destructive relationship, and I have to cut him off for my sanity.

Evening Stuck

Hey dude, Great news you are having another go - To me her turning up at yours could be two fold - 1) she wanted to check you out, sort of, incognito stylee and also (dare I say it), cos she cares?

Wake at 3 - Yes I remember all that - Brain swirling around, nothing specific for me, just swirling - Anxiety kicking it - Was the booze for me - Only once since no booze have I done anything but go straight back to sleep when I have needed a waz in the middle of the night - Used to be every and I mean EVERY night

Dump your mate - You have enough of your own shit to deal with without having to deal with this guy's baggage - Yes its shit to dump him (just till you are comfortable) But you are numero uno son, you are the priority

So day 1 - Whats the master plan?

Regards

 

Bacman

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DunDrinkn

Hi ya Stuck. I think starting to dig into the dynamics of your relationship is going to help you with the alcohol consumption. When/how does she feel manipulative. Technically maybe it's manipulation. But what is the driver? What are you trying to get from her that you just can't ask for? Is she withholding as punishment, or is she protecting herself -- or a combination? If you want to be with this woman, then start digging. And don't let the focus fall all on you and your behavior. I think you're pissed and hurt and if that's how you feel, those feelings are valid even if you are drinking. Drinking doesn't negate you being a person, and having feelings, and needing certain things in a relationship. Sorry... sometimes shit just pisses me off. Yes, being a drunk is hard on those around us. And removing the alcohol helps clarify things. But the alcohol and your consumption of it shouldn't mean that you're the "bad" one. So try and remove the alcohol from the situation long enough so that you don't have to take all the blame for a relationship dynamic that is off kilter. I'm not sure I made any sense, or if this was at all helpful. And it might just be a long tirade (at least I used punctuation). Hang in there.

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StuckinLA
54 minutes ago, Ne1 said:

And the second question is, have you made it to any meetings? I really wish I could go to AA. I might try again, actually. I wonder if I could get myself dressed and out of the house to go to a women's meeting? I wonder if it would just make me mad. What is it like for you? There are so many things that I miss about AA. And so many things I don't. ha. 

Oh, and the third question is, why are you just planning on going to AA (I'm assuming that's your plan) when we're pretty clear that while AA can be really helpful, medications for the disease of addiction greatly increase your chances of successful sobriety? I mean, the science is conclusive. Everything listed in the meds section down below increases the chances of maintaining sobriety. Even campral, if you can stay sober while you're taking it. Definitely naltrexone. I really don't understand why you are so resistant to meds. Even just seeing a doctor and perhaps discussing the fact that you might have depression. But hell, even just seeing a doctor. Ya' know? That confuses me, given all this time that you've been around the meds threads...Maybe you just haven't read about this stuff? 

I went to 3 meetings last week: Thursday, Friday morning, Saturday morning. Of course, it was Saturday evening that I started drinking over the weekend. Depends on the meeting, honestly. I find the Big Book meetings tedious, but I enjoy the speaker meetings. I'm trying to shake more hands and learn more names, and hopefully I'll find a schedule of meetings I actually want to go to, more than just the Monday evening one in my neighborhood. I am not sure if I want to get a sponsor and do the steps. Maybe. Nothing else has ever worked for me long-term.

She's been very upfront about wanting to go one to better understand what being alcoholic is like. She's gone to some Al-Anons, but says that didn't teach her very much about what I go through (makes sense they wouldn't focus on the drunks). She also wants to support me, and says she'll let me go alone after this one or she'll come to as many as I need her to.

The manipulation she's worried about is the way I've tried to keep her around while not addressing my drinking.

And I am going to order a bunch of gabapentin today.

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time2quit

@StuckinLA  I've found that gabapentin at least in the short term to be a wondrous thing.  You may have to take a shitload but when done how I believe works the best it's amazing.  You know I'm generally available so let me know if you need anything.  That goes for everybody.....

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