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StuckinLA

My Space to Pretty Much Just B*tch

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StuckinLA
30 minutes ago, time2quit said:

@StuckinLA  I've found that gabapentin at least in the short term to be a wondrous thing.  You may have to take a shitload but when done how I believe works the best it's amazing.  You know I'm generally available so let me know if you need anything.  That goes for everybody.....

Yay! And I found my old box of it just now, too! So I got like 200x 300mg tablets - and an order from Goldpharma on the way, as well as a very kind member sending me some soon. So this should be helpful.

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Lostinspace

Stuck - I’m so sorry I haven’t been around on your thread lately. I’m VERY glad to see that you’ve decided not to stop posting and so happy to hear that you’re ordering a bunch of gabapentin today (and just found some to get started with!). That will supplement what you’re doing with the meetings hugely. And I’m glad your girl is still supporting you and wants to go to a meeting with you. It’s obvious she still cares. Good luck with getting through the rest of day 1. The first day(s) always sucks tremendously, but hopefully you can make this the last one, at least for a good, long while. I’m sending many positive thoughts and vibes your way that the days get easier and easier. Hang in there.

Edited by Lostinspace
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StuckinLA

Dude, gabapentin is a lifesaver. I wish I'd dug through my kitchen cabinets to find it sooner. 

So we went to a meeting together. I'd found this one that sounded all right - I don't like the Big Book meetings, so I was looking for a speaker meeting close by. Turns out it was an Agnostic meeting - so they don't open or close with prayers, there's no moment of silence for the still-suffering alcoholics, and they don't read the 12 steps or mention God at all, the heathen bastards :)

It was also an hour and a half, 'cause the whole room shared for 3 minutes each. That was OK, though. It seemed like a real tight-knit group who all knew one another. Guess if you're super-set on an Agnostic meeting, you kind of have to stick to the couple you can find and just keep going to those. I liked it - I think that'll be my Tuesday meeting. 

Anyway, the girl was very supportive. And we went out for a late dinner afterward. All in all, I probably couldn't have thought of a better way to spend an evening.

By the time I got home, I hit up another dose of gabapentin, for a total of 1200mg yesterday. And I slept the way you imagine innocent children do. Only until about 5 this morning, granted, so Im a little tired, but not unhappy about being up early.

Today is the day I'm going to get some shit done. I've only got about 8 papers left to grade. Still gotta get a syllabus and reading assignment out to my weekend class today, but I think I can manage it. More importantly, I'm going to make a dentist appointment (desperately needed), and go see about some new glasses (only slightly less desperately needed).

My mom sent a pretty big check for my birthday, so I splurged on a little something I've been wanting for a while. I'll call it a shaving kit, but it's just the bag - you know, one of those leather ones with the single zipper that open real wide, kind of a Dopp Kit I guess they call it. But anyway I'm really trying to find ways to support this company, Shinola, out of Detroit. They're doing all American made stuff and trying to do their best to revitalize Detroit with some good manufacturing jobs. They don't make a whole lot of stuff that I want, mostly bicycles and watches, but they've got awesome journals that are like Moleskines only better - sustainably-farmed paper and whatever, so from here out Moleskine can go fuck themselves. Not sure what my deal is with Detroit. There's a project called Write A House, which is a writer residency in which rehabbed houses are given - literally given - to a writer who promises to live there and be an active part of the Detroit art/literary scene. They're trying to repopulate the city and grow the scene, basically. I've applied the last couple years, and last year my rejection was personalized, and they said I came pretty damned close. 

No idea what I'd actually do in Detroit, though. And today, on a lark, I'm applying for a tenure-track job in Washington DC that was just posted. Hey, why not, I love House of Cards so how bad could DC be?

That was a really random tangent. Anyway, hope it's a good one for everybody out there.

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Ne1

So, so, so cool about the meeting and about the gabapentin.  :)

I wonder if we have any agnostic meetings here in the almost-bible-belt. Highly doubt it.

Great to hear you sounding so good, my friend. 

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DunDrinkn

I love me some gabapentin. Really, really love it. I've been using it for the pre-travel anxiety, and that shit really works. Meeting and evening sound great. I lived in DC for 9 years and really liked it, which I wouldn't have thought, so you might too. But that Detroit gig sounds mighty cool. As does your Dopp kit. I bought a super nice leather bag/briefcase that was a few years back. Thought it would make me look cool at a new writing job. I love the idea and the look, but it is too heavy for me to carry :$. I might have to gift it to you if you get a super fancy professor job, or a really cool writing life in Detroit. You might be able to carry it without throwing out your back.

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Felina

Whoa, that's awesome, Stuck! Everything about your post was great.  That Shinola company (I'm lolling, that is a GREAT name!) - from what you described, you couldn't ask for a better company to support. Keep on keeping on my friend!

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SKendall

Detroit has really nice homes for little money, sounds good Stuck.

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Lostinspace

Stuck - I’m so glad to hear all the good news all around! That's great that you found an agnostic group. I went to one for a while in the last town I lived in (which ironically met in a church) and I felt much more comfortable there. I’m intrigued that the group you went to doesn’t even read the 12 steps, though. I’m pretty sure the group I went to did, but just used a different word instead of god. Do they practice the 12 steps or is it more like a general support group for alcoholics type of thing? Anyway, I’m glad you had a nice evening with the girl and that the gabapentin is already helping, even if just to get a decent night’s sleep.

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StuckinLA

Good morning from Day 4.

Yeah, the AF is going OK for the most part. A little jitteriness and a little feeling anxious or out of it, but mostly all right. Let's see, so Wednesday I got a couple of the things done - then crashed in the afternoon for a little bit. I was watching online news, and fell asleep right at my desk for about half an hour or so. Graded some papers and finished all that up, then bought and watched a documentary - holy God above, this rocked my world. 

You guys know I'm kind of obsessed with the climate crisis - and I've been screaming bloody hell at my classes about it for the last 3 years or so. Fossil Fuels! #ExxonKnew #KeepItInTheGround, etc. I always knew the animal agriculture industry was a problem, a lot of different problems, actually, but I never realized the extent of it. So anyway, I watch this documentary called Cowspiracy. Yes, it's a hokey name. But all I can say is that I watched this film Wednesday night, and Thursday morning I woke up a committed Vegan. I made both of my classes stay the whole period on Thursday and watch it - even though it was the very last day of class, and I'd previously told them they could leave right after turning in their final papers.

Did NOT feel like going to a meeting, but dragged myself to the same one I went to last week. Weird format, which is fine, but now that I got it figured out it seems the entire meeting is about Emotional Sobriety. Which is kind of a crock of shit, maybe. But there is a meeting today in the morning that I really liked last week and I'm getting ready to head out to now - their group name is "Rum, Radio, Rebellion." So, well, fuck yeah.

The girl and I are going to have a date night tonight. Maybe dinner and a movie, or maybe we might go to MOCA to see an exhibit that's there right now that I really want to see. Guess that's it. Hope it's a good one everybody!

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Baclofenman
41 minutes ago, StuckinLA said:

Yeah, the AF is going OK for the most part. A little jitteriness and a little feeling anxious or out of it, but mostly all right. Let's see, so Wednesday I got a couple of the things done - then crashed in the afternoon for a little bit. I was watching online news, and fell asleep right at my desk for about half an hour or so. Graded some papers and finished all that up, then bought and watched a documentary - holy God above, this rocked my world. 

Yay - Top effort mate, Fuck, the early days are difficult but you are half way to the end of week one - Bet you could not have seen this a month ago

 

42 minutes ago, StuckinLA said:

Did NOT feel like going to a meeting, but dragged myself to the same one I went to last week. 

Not a great AA fan myself but I recon that at least you are doing something that might focus your mind on sobriety? - Whatever, I am chuffed for you

44 minutes ago, StuckinLA said:

The girl and I are going to have a date night tonight. Maybe dinner and a movie, or maybe we might go to MOCA to see an exhibit that's there right now that I really want to see. Guess that's it. Hope it's a good one everybody!

Nice to see you are both getting on well - Also pleasing she is supporting you by going with, or at least offering support in your effort

Stuck, four days is nothing to scoff at - Its amazing - Do you feel better, being more active - Getting work stuff achieved?

Regards

 

Bacman

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Lostinspace

Stuck - Congrats on day 4! How’s the gabapentin going? Does that help at all with the anxiety and jitteriness? And f*ck yeah with your decision to become a committed vegan! I’ve been vegan for almost 14 years for environmental and other reasons. I’ve been hesitant to bring it up here for some reason. I don’t know why. So yeah, the “ice cream” and “chocolate” I splurge on now and again is really soy ice cream and milk-free varieties of dark chocolate. Cowspiracy really hit me hard too. I was already vegan when I saw it, but it got me all fired up. Anyway, I’m glad you’re finding meetings you like and it’s great that you’re getting to spend time with the girl. Good news all around!

Edited by Lostinspace
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StuckinLA

OK, I think I'm about as prepped as I'll ever be for class this morning. Time to get going, more or less.

Went walking through the apartment collecting books and stacking them on my "dining room" table (it's a high-top table in the corner of the living room). Stacking them in order for a summer reading list. On top are a few that I picked up in San Francisco, but at the bottom is my real goal.

I want to get through In Search of Lost Time this summer. That's my goal. And to do that, to finish my novel in the mornings and read several books plus the 1,000+ pages of Proust at night, I damned well will need to be sober. I like this plan.

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SKendall

Stuck, you are amazing, great job!  I know I pissed you and Ne off, but anger is a great motivator.

You are a special person and I care for you.

 

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StuckinLA

I was being a tw*t, and in full-on drunken self-pity mode for quite a while here. I needed a slap in the face.

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Reggie

What ever Stuck please don't ever change you are UNIQUE 

thats why we love you

Edited by Reggie
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Ne1

Hiya, Stuck. So happy for you and proud of you! So great that your SO is so supportive. Also, I abhor Al-anon. I mean LOATHE it. The way that they talk about alcoholism in the meetings I went to way back in the day were...tragically uninformed. I went because my sponsor at the time thought it would be a good idea to see how the other side feels. I walked away from those meetings thinking that they were the most selfish, grasping, narcissistic group of wankers I'd ever met. It was all about not enabling the alcoholic and finding themselves, as though they weren't part of the problem. But hey, I have alcoholism, so maybe there is truth and value that I just couldn't see. It was heartbreaking, too, of course, to hear mothers talk about their kids' addiction. But ugh. My mom went for a time, too, and also didn't like them. 

I'm going to get some gabapentin from my doc this week. Does it make you tired/lethargic? I think I remember that from the last time I tried it. And god knows, I don't need anything that makes me more tired and lethargic. But my anxiety about life is out of control right now, and if gabapentin helps with that, it's worth a shot. Ironically, last time I cleaned out my medicine drawer, which has an unbelievable amount of meds and supplements in it that I've tried over the years, I found several months worth of gabapentin and sent it to a friend. I guess I don't regret doing that, because it really helped him out, but man. Wish I could take some today!!

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StuckinLA

First the direct question about gabapentin - Yes, it had been making me tired/lethargic in the afternoons. Almost as bad as bac, if I'm remembering correctly. Falling asleep at the computer kind of thing. But I was trying for 1800mg/day, so I scaled back. In the little while I've been taking it this time around, I find that if I do 600mg per dose, the afternoon gets real sleepy. So the past couple days I've taken a 300mg pill in the morning and then one mid-afternoon, and only take 600mg around bedtime. My sleep is still shit, but it's getting better, the gaba seems to help, and I'm still in the very early days of abstinence. 

I'm still meaning to get around to reading that book chapter from A Prescription for Alcoholics, 'cause I'm pretty much flying blind at the moment. Haha.

As for AA, the last meeting I went to was Friday morning. I'm going to miss tonight, because Bob Odenkirk (Better Call Saul) will be at a local bookstore and there's no way I'm missing that. Tomorrow I'll miss that Agnostic meeting that I really liked because, well, because well the FUCKING PRIMARY I WILL BE OUT ALL AFTERNOON CANVASSING and then glued to election coverage at home.

I shouldn't say "all afternoon." I've been doing 3 hours a day - Saturday, yesterday, today, tomorrow.

Back to AA: the more I think about it, the more skeevy it gets. The more you internalize Step 1 - powerless against alcohol - the more you believe it. That and the 4th and 5th Steps - the searching and fearless moral inventory, then sharing every single detail of your personal life and moral failings with a sponsor. That's the kind of fishing for embarrassing and personal secrets that Scientology uses to reel you in and never let you go. Aside from the regular brainwashing, the "total honesty" of AA feels like code for something more sinister. The closer you look at the Big Book, the more you see it: This Is The Only Way, If We Are Not 100% Honest We Will Die kind of rhetoric. Not that I haven't seen handfuls of happily-Sober people in the rooms these past couple weeks, it just feels gross when looked at from a particular angle.

Anyway, regardless of what I do, I have no intention of getting a sponsor or working the steps, at least not with anyone else. Nor do I have any intention of drinking right now. Though I ran across one of the girl's Tweets about relaxing in front of the TV on a Sunday afternoon with a beer, and that sounded damned good. Not going to lie. And a cold beer at the air-conditioned bar after knocking on doors in the 90-degree heat Saturday afternoon, that sounded pretty nice, too. Still, I'm good. At least for today, I think.

Thanks for all the support on this thread, you all are the best people. Hope it's a good one for you today.

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Ne1
11 minutes ago, StuckinLA said:

Back to AA: the more I think about it, the more skeevy it gets. The more you internalize Step 1 - powerless against alcohol - the more you believe it. That and the 4th and 5th Steps - the searching and fearless moral inventory, then sharing every single detail of your personal life and moral failings with a sponsor. That's the kind of fishing for embarrassing and personal secrets that Scientology uses to reel you in and never let you go. Aside from the regular brainwashing, the "total honesty" of AA feels like code for something more sinister. The closer you look at the Big Book, the more you see it: This Is The Only Way, If We Are Not 100% Honest We Will Die kind of rhetoric. 

It's the first step that messes me all up, too. I am not powerless over alcohol! I'm just not. My old therapist used to say that I should think of it in terms of being powerless in general. Like in the cosmic way--it's very Buddhist. (Which she is.) But man, I don't even really identify myself as, "Hi my name is Ne and I'm an alcoholic". I have alcoholism. I'm not that one thing...

Steps four and five are pretty cool, though. There is no way I would make amends the way I did the first time, with my first sponsor. It wasn't a good idea, not for me and not for the people to whom I made amends. What did really resonate was the fact that it showed me the ways that I participated in the resentments I held. And it was really freeing to figure that out and share it with another person. But amends? hmmmm. I have a disease I have very little control over, and making things "right" with other people was in many ways counter-productive. The second time I did it, I was a little less...controlling about the situations. Meaning I didn't make an official appointment and sit down with the person and say, "I'm making amends to you for X, Y, and Z." It was more like, "Sorry I've been absent/an asshole. I'm working on being better. I hope we can stay friends (or whatever)". And lastly, I've had amends made to me several times, and it sucks to be on the receiving end of that, too. At least it did for me. Most of it was little stuff, that the person who was making amends felt was important, and that I hadn't recognized or participated in...And what do you say? It's weird. Anyway. 

Like I said before, I love AA because I love my tribe. I seriously love people with alcoholism. And sitting in a room full of people just like me IS a spiritual experience for me. It's very bonding and rewarding to share experiences. If I could just raise my hand and say that I was an alcoholic! Or that I am powerless over alcohol! I don't know. You make me want to try to go again, though. 

Have fun at the bookstore tonight and good luck canvassing! Very cool that you're doing that. (And you know I love me some Bernie, not that I think there's a chance in hell...Sorry.) It's just nice that you have something you're so passionate about and involved in. 

:hug:

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Ne1

One more thing about having someone make amends to me...In two cases, I couldn't stand the people. And so sitting and listening to them apologize, when I really didn't give a shit, was very difficult. I wanted to be like, "Hey, it's ok! You're an asshole. You're always going to be an asshole! No need to tell me all about it!" 

What an asshole I am. ha. 

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SKendall

Stuck, you sound really good.  How was the bookstore encounter?

 

Ne, I didn't like AA at all, and the program is humiliating starting wit Step 1.  How can they f....g tell anyone they are helpless.  I was a chronic relapser and would shake before the mtg. started to once again admit I was a failure.  I never drank so much as when in A.A.  Ne, I posted on your other thread and my symptoms now include calf muscles locked so I can only walk if I use a cane and use the wall as a walking aide.  I just took 3 aleve hoping that it would help ?  Trouble swallowing and blurred vision are new also.

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StuckinLA

Something went wrong tonight, and it was more than just the Associated Press being assholes the night before a primary election. Can't put my finger on it.We had coffee and had a fine time at the bookstore. Came back to my place, curled up in bed, threw some Netflix on the laptop, and then something just sucked all the cheerfulness right out of me. 

She'd said she didn't want to disrupt my evening if I had things to do, but I didn't and said so - I told her to stay. But come ten o'clock when the show ended, I was ready for her to leave. It's not like I kicked her out or anything, but did kind of emphasize that she probably wanted to get home and get some sleep before work tomorrow. She seemed to want to stay in bed, cuddling, yet at the same time all the energy was gone between us. I couldn't read how she was feeling as she left.

I just feel emptier than I did earlier today. 

Oh well. Time for gaba and bed. Long, futile day of knocking on doors tomorrow. Good night, everyone.

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Ne1

Hiya, Stuck. I think it's pretty cool that you recognized that you wanted to spend some time/the night alone. And then, however you did it, made it so that she went home to her place. I know I've said it before, but I'll repeat it (probably several more times) that when Ed and I lived separately, shortly after we got married, and "dated" we really figured out that we liked each other's company. But it had to be totally cool to say to the other person, "not today/tonight because I'm just not feeling it." That was a HUGE step for us, and hard to do, but man, it made the time we spent together actual quality time. So good for you!

Very excited for you about today's primary. If Bernie can win anywhere, it's got to be in Cali, for goodness' sakes. Not that it won't mess up Hillary's chances, but I still hope he pulls it off. (Definitely don't want to talk/debate politics on this forum, because it just doesn't work...I am and will be tolerant [or ignore when I can't be reasonable] about other people's opinions re politics and politicians. That said, I know it's important to you and I'm excited for you that there are things you care so much about and that motivate you to do stuff that isn't related to sitting around in your underwear drinking or thinking about drinking.) 

SK, I agree with you about AA being humiliating. I think the steps can be really productive and awakening, if done the right way...But the way that I did them was really bad for me. Especially since, like you, I couldn't get and stay contentedly sober. Done the right way, the way I think they were done in the early days, I think they allow for growth in humility and gratitude and connectedness between people. Things we could all probably use more of. And I know that there are people who get a lot out of the meetings. I also know that peer support has been proven (consistently) to help people change habits and change their lives. Dramatically. I just wish it wasn't steeped in the science and understanding of the 1940s and '50s. We've come a long way since then...It really should be a VERY different "program" by now. But that's just my humble opinion. I think I might actually go to a meeting or three, just to be with my peeps in person and not just on here.

Stuck, I quoted or paraphrased almost every word written in the book A Prescription for Alcoholics  in the meds sections down below. I didn't necessarily quote all of the studies, but in many cases included them so people could look it up. I'm not suggesting that you (or anyone) shouldn't buy her book, because it's brilliant, but (with her permission) I tried to be as thorough as possible about the meds. If you have any questions, or want me to look something up, I will. Just post about it. 

http://www.theendofmyaddiction.org/forum/121-neurontin-gabapentin/

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StuckinLA

Thanks Ne. I got the sample chapter from her. Probably will buy it eventually.

Not a good night for me. Just FYI.

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