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StuckinLA

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StuckinLA

Thanks, Jets. And you're right, there are some positives and opportunities that I should focus on, instead of all the negative. That's not easy on Day 1, but Day 1 is what it is, but I can look forward to Day 2.

Yeah, I drink cheap beer, too. But at my bar it's a PBR and horrible tequila shot for $5 (used to be 4), so that's what I stick with when I'm out. And I just realized I wrote all that in present tense. Should be thinking about putting all that in the past. 

Honestly with the girl, she talked to me the other night but wasn't thrilled about it. Then I texted her this morning just to tell her I was up for class and whatnot. But she doesn't want to hear from me. Maybe a couple weeks AF would change that, show her I'm serious about changing. 

The baclofen will be good. The gabapentin is helping with the withdrawal a little, I think, but it's not doing much else and I think I'm taking too much of it. Going to cut back to 1800, and just take one pill three times a day. 

As for smoking, I've been an American Spirit man for years now, and when I do roll it's the same tobacco. So I guess I'm fairly particular, too. I'm going to start keeping a smoking log - starting tomorrow. I keep a notebook and write down what time I smoke every cigarette. I did that a while ago and it helped me cut back to about 15 a day, sometimes fewer. There was an article about how that can help you actually quit, but that's not my goal right now. I can find the link if anyone's interested.

Got about 5 weeks before the real job starts. If I focus on the goal, I can do this. Get my act together, get the apartment cleaned up, get some work done. Just hang through these first few days - I keep a private journal, but writing here (especially in the middle of the night) really helps, too. So you all might see a lot more of me on this thread - please by all means feel free to ignore.

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StuckinLA
28 minutes ago, Ne1 said:

How's things, Stuck? 

Sorry, ok, quick update.

 

Day what, 7? 8? Not a drop, no cravings yet. Major withdrawals are over and the anxiety is still there but way down. Not sleeping much or through the night but even that's starting to get a little better.

Watched the first season of Deadwood so far. But the last couple nights instead of jumping right into the TV and watching the second season or starting something else, I've been reading. Almost through Cormac McCarthy's The Crossing (don't even look it up, @Ne1, it's damned depressing and dark). Reading is good, I guess some people would say.

Just trying to write everyday, a lot. Not on target with the daily goals I set last week by any stretch of the imagination. Way way way behind. But still I've revised almost 50 pages this week, and I think what I've done improved things a lot. I hope. And in spite of being behind my self-imposed schedule, I'm not letting it overwhelm me too much and just moving forward every day.

Yesterday I took almost the whole day off. Had to meet my independent study student early in the morning, took about an hour nap in the afternoon. Did dishes and cleaned the bathroom. I have lots of groceries here for the next week, etc. So a few little errands have been getting done. The girl and I went to see the new Bourne movie last night. It was OK, probably the least exciting of the series but that's ok. Got home and read about 100 pages and went to sleep. Ordered a video game on Amazon that should be here tomorrow. It's an old game - a Western, 'cause Deadwood and Cormac McCarthy, ha! - but I only have an xbox 360 right now since she took the xbox one. I probably won't by the new xbox until black Friday. So I might take a few breaks and play that game some, or I'll just keep reading at night. And, like I said, writing every day.

Today I have 3 goals: go to the gym, even if only to sit in the hot tub. Vacuum the apartment. And there are two bookshelves in my bedroom by the door - I want to switch their spots on the wall. Long story, but one has sharp corners and the other has rounded corners, and I never gave it a second thought until I almost impaled myself the other night while stumbling out of my room in a midnight panic. So I'm going to put the one with rounded edges closer to the door. That wouldn't be a big deal, except the two shelves are alphabetized, so all the books need to get switched too.

In other news, the hot actress pilates instructor emailed me back. She sort of wants to stay in touch and might be thinking about getting a tutor/proofreader come January. And that might be me. I wrote her back but haven't heard from her since that second email. Yeah yeah yeah, I know. Nothing is going on there, and I don't think I really even want anything to go on there, but it's still kind of fun to think about.

That's it from me for now, back to the novel.

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Molly78

Well done, Stuck - sounds like things are moving forward for you in a positive way!

2 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

That wouldn't be a big deal, except the two shelves are alphabetized, so all the books need to get switched too.

That made me laugh - typical alkie OCD! I have it in spades. My books are colour coded rather than alphabetised, I have loads of the old Penguin paperbacks which are either turquoise for non-fiction, or orange for fiction. Some I haven't read for years, but hell, I'm just fond of them. They're like old friends who you haven't checked in with for a while.

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Baclofenman
On 14/08/2016 at 8:23 PM, Molly78 said:

That made me laugh - typical alkie OCD! I have it in spades. My books are colour coded rather than alphabetised, I have loads of the old Penguin paperbacks which are either turquoise for non-fiction, or orange for fiction. Some I haven't read for years, but hell, I'm just fond of them. They're like old friends who you haven't checked in with for a while.

Ha- I do not care for alphabetical, mine are in strict size order and by strict, I mean strict - But I get the OCD thingy, big style

On 14/08/2016 at 5:59 PM, StuckinLA said:

Day what, 7? 8? Not a drop, no cravings yet. Major withdrawals are over and the anxiety is still there but way down. Not sleeping much or through the night but even that's starting to get a little better.

That's awesome Stuck - Glad you are setting goals - Make them very achievable to start with would be my advice - It is nice to achieve your list, good for the well being

Sorry I have not been involved in your thread recently, I have had so much on, it has been fairly mental this end but I am pleased things seem to be on the way up

Good to hear the sleeping is starting to improve, after years of being used to shit sleeping, it takes getting used to, having in the past needed 9 or 10 hours just to function, I now sleep 5 or 6 hours and get up at 6am feeling fresh and ready for it...

Did your stash from Germany ever arrive?

Are you and the girl back on? No? ish?

Regards

 

Bacman

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Ne1

Great to hear from you and HUGE congrats for the 7/8 days! That's fantastic, Stuck!

On 8/14/2016 at 0:59 PM, StuckinLA said:

Almost through Cormac McCarthy's The Crossing (don't even look it up, @Ne1, it's damned depressing and dark). Reading is good, I guess some people would say.

Hahahaha! I don't have to look it up to know it's depressing, whatever it is. Didn't he write an autobiography about growing up Irish? Seem to remember the name...

My rule is that I have to get dressed to go (for a walk or the gym) and go...And if I don't do anything or half-ass it, at least I showed up and am keeping up some sort of habit. Today's walk was brutal, for both the husky and me. Didn't feel like going, waited until 9am when it was almost 90 degrees out, and we only lasted for 35 minutes. I probably sweat out more weight than I lost altogether in that walk. ugh. 

Cannot relate AT ALL to the OCD thing you guys have going on. If/when I sort the books I own, it's by size. They're all cattywampus on the shelves, too. The only hard and fast rule I have is that the binding/title has to be facing out. I didn't used to do that and it was annoying looking for a book and having to turn them around to search. So it's just a matter of being lazy rather than efficient. 

I love my kindle more than any other material object I own, (except my laptop, I guess) but I miss having books to put on my shelves. Even though they are overfull and there are even some boxed in the attic because we don't have enough shelf space for them... I miss looking at the titles of favorite books. 

Stuck, do your rabbits make noises? You have more than one, right? 

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StuckinLA
3 hours ago, Ne1 said:

Hahahaha! I don't have to look it up to know it's depressing, whatever it is. Didn't he write an autobiography about growing up Irish? Seem to remember the name...

Cannot relate AT ALL to the OCD thing you guys have going on. If/when I sort the books I own, it's by size. They're all cattywampus on the shelves, too. The only hard and fast rule I have is that the binding/title has to be facing out. I didn't used to do that and it was annoying looking for a book and having to turn them around to search. So it's just a matter of being lazy rather than efficient. 

Stuck, do your rabbits make noises? You have more than one, right? 

You're thinking of Frank McCourt ('Tis and a second autobiography that I can't remember the name of... Angela's Ashes, that's it, just came to me. Can't remember which was the first one and which the second). 

McCarthy is all about Westerns. I'll just give the movie adaptations of his books that you may have seen - The Road (Christian Bale), No Country For Old Men, All The Pretty Horses (old, that movie is at least a decade and a half old).

Anyway, who on God's gracious earth would put their books on the shelf without the spine facing out!!!??? That is ridiculous.

Though actually, pre-1700 or so that was the way books were kept on shelves. But they painted the fore-edge of the pages so you could still see what the book was while it was on the shelf. And also there's a used bookstore here in LA that has an upstairs with all cheap, cheap paperbacks that are only sorted by color. Each shelf is one color, and it's pretty cool if not particularly useful for finding anything.

As of now I have only one rabbit. And he makes no noises other than the slow grind of his chewing on something or when he hops around his nails clack on the wood floors.  

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SKendall

Ne, we have the same book storage style.  My CT scan of my lung is showing no growth in the thingy in my lung.  Yay!!!

I'm getting used to the Chron's diet and have begun to enjoy simple food, mostly vegetables I get at the farmer's market and fresh eggs!

You are doing really well Stuck and Ne.

Heat is really hard on huskies, they prefer burrowing in the snow as you already know and don't need reminding, lol.

Yes, the 2nd book of McCourt's was damned depressing.  He/is an alcoholic who has disarray up the yazoo.

Edited by SKendall
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Jetsman32

HAHA @StuckinLA you had me thinking some crazy thoughts when you mentioned the hot pilates instructor.  I just think of all those movies with all those hot co-eds that are hot for teacher. I guess being a professor has it's perks.

I can't read anything that isn't non-fiction- I just get bored out of my mind. I also try to avoid anything depressing.  I stick with Stephen King mostly. I'm also now reading the Game of Thrones series. My goal is to read all 5 books by the time the next season kicks off. Haven't watched Deadwood yet but it's on our list. Stuck- hope not to ruin it for you but we've held off on Deadwood because it only last 3 season before it was cancelled and it ended on a major cliffhanger. People were pissed. Good news is that HBO is talking about bringing it back for 1 more season in 2016 to wrap it up.

Binge watching shows is a great way to take your mind off of alcohol. Congrats on your growing AF days by the way.  We are now watching Shameless which might be one of the best shows I've watched in a long time. It's a Showtime show but seasons 1-4 are now on Netflix. We also just watched the first season on Wayward Pines on Hulu- also excellent. Other longer shows you might enjoy are The Wire (HBO), Lost (Netflix) Sons of Anarchy (Netflix).

Not sure if you've seen it yet but Interstellar might be one of the best movies I've seen in years. I've wanted to watch it for a long time but my wife had no interest. Anyway- it was incredible and the twist blew my mind. Plus it's a Chris Nolan film starring Mcconaughey so  it's just awesome all the way around. 

If you like historical movies The Revenant with Dicaprio was also great. Depressing as hell but still a great movie. If I'm being honest I kind of have an actor man-crush on Dicaprio but we won't go there. My wife knows it though and finds it hilarious. I'll watch anything he's in- basically because all of his movies are great and he is hands down the best actor out there.

If you are going to the gym I would suggest the steam room or sauna. It's great for depression. Really helps you to detoxify. I usually stay in the either room until I can't take it anymore, come out for 5 minutes then go back in. Just make sure to chug lot's of water while you are in there.

Is the game you ordered on Amazon- Red Dead Redemption? If so, and you love Westerns you are in for a treat. It's one of my all time favorite games. It has an incredible story, is very true to the time period and has a twist that will stick with you for years.

Really glad to hear you are doing so well my friend!

 

 

 

 

 

     

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Ne1

@Jetsman32 I could not put down Game of Thrones. The first time I read it, about 9 years ago, I lived in it to the exclusion of friends and everything else in life. I would sneak read it at work! I read it again at the beginning of this summer, and had the same experience. Could not put it down. Some of the best books I've ever read in my life, and I read voraciously. I haven't seen the HBO series, and I think I'm going to wait until Martin finishes the final book (DAMMIT! WRITE YOU FOOL!!!) so I can read it first. There's another series that is not quite as good, but still pretty amazing, called The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan. He died before he finished the series. He wrote 11 books, and then Brandon Sanderson was chosen to write the final ones, which I've never read. I learned my lesson, though. I never read an epic series unless the entire series is completed. 

I'll check out Interstellar. I have a married-woman-crush on McConaughey. When my brother lived in Malibu, I made for the beach as often as I could because, according to that oh-so-accurate-source, People magazine, he worked out and played with his dogs on the beach there. I am not, in general, a groupie. But for him? Oh yes. Keannu Reeves is another one. I don't care that he can't act. Doesn't faze me one bit. (We just rewatched the Matrix. It stands up and is still a great movie.) 

Stuck, it was McCourt that I was thinking of. I read both books back when I could tolerate reading really depressing shit. I love westerns! How come they're depressing? I haven't seen any of those movies. I'm not a movie-goer. I don't have the patience to sit still and do anything for 2 hours. Well, except read for fun. Which guy was it that published 872 westerns? My grandpa used to read them, and so I read a bunch of them. McSomething. Larry? Larry Mcmurtry! Lonesome Dove. Loved those books! I thought it was hack material, but when I googled I saw those books won the Pulitzer Prize! Who knew? May put those on the list to read again...

I used to just throw books on the shelves willy-nilly. Now there is a semblance of order. When I get rid of the books I bought for school I'll have enough room to bring the ones I have in the attic out of hibernation. I brutally culled my books when we moved last time. I only kept the ones that I could remember the plot of, and that were important for some reason. I know I shouldn't regret it, but I miss my old books, even though they overwhelmed our world. 

@SKendall GREAT news about your lung scan. You must be very relieved. Are you feeling any better on your new diet? Yes, the husky hates the heat. What's funny is that she's not particularly fond of the cold or snow, either. I know of huskies that will burrow into snow and happily lay there for hours. Not mine. She likes temps about 70 degrees. Spoiled by heat and air conditioning! 

 

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StuckinLA

Shameless and The Wire are SO GOOD. I'm enjoying Deadwood - it's nice to throw on a few episodes at bedtime and just kind of let it wash over me. Not sure how into it I really am, and how much is just to have something on that's pretty good. I probably won't care too much if there's a huge cliffhanger. I'll just finish up and put it in the rearview mirror. Maybe start in on Boardwalk Empire, or Game of Thrones. I read ½ the first book and then put it down and started watching the show. Stopped about halfway through the second season. Eh. That was in the days of my last bender and I wasn't really following what all was going on. I should definitely check out The Revenant at some point.

And yes, the game is Red Dead Redemption. I put the disc in at the beginning of this week but haven't even touched it. 

Honestly, all I have been doing is sitting at the desk and writing. Or at least trying to write. Slow progress. Then I go to the gym around 7pm and row for ½ an hour and then sit in the hot tub for a bit. Except last night - I watched the Green Party town hall on CNN and then spent the rest of the night picking fights with people on Twitter.

There's nothing inherently depressing about Westerns, @Ne1. But in McCarthy there's just lots of horrible things that happen to all the characters and everyone dies. Slowly. He's just an evil bastard, I think. But his prose is really good. Very simple, direct sentences that hit with the force of the King James Bible.

Not much else going on. The girl wants to text a little more than we had been recently. No clue what's what there, but I am trying to go with it. She has a friend visiting this weekend from out of town, so she'll be preoccupied with that. Which is fine. I could use the break from relationship confusion.

 

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Ne1

Glad you're writing. I'm amazed at the difference between what I can get done after a couple of days abstinent and what I get done after a day of drinking, even a little bit. Booze just makes me a slug. Makes my mind sluggish too. 

Walking contradiction that I am, I can actually read pretty terrible stuff and not have it faze me. Game of Thrones is full of betrayal and rape and incest. And certainly the good guys don't always come out on top. 

Dont know what point I'm trying to make except that perhaps I'd like the westerns you're reading. 

I don't know how you can get time away from booze without meds or any other distractions. I wish I had any inkling of how to do that successfully. 

As it is, I can feel a bender coming on. I'm not sure what that's about. Fortunately we're leaving for Baltimore either tomorrow or Saturday. Maybe that's why the bender-feeling? 

Not sure I should be posting about this here. Forgive me if it makes you uncomfortable. 

I actually got on (from my phone-ugh) to tell you how glad I am that you're writing. And that (this is silly-don't laugh) how amazing it is to think of a song and be able to hear it, from my phone which is connected to a speaker system, in seconds. You're not quite old enough to be amazed, but you might understand. 

The song was Only by NIN. And for whatever reason it made me think of you. It's my current go-to when I'm feeling like crap. "I just made you up to hurt myself...And it worked."

Alright, that's all I've got. Going to resist the liquor store, go eat some peanut MnMs, and maybe even pack! Or just read some more fluff and not get drunk. 

Keep on, Stuck! 

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Ne1

Oh, that's so cool, Mom2! I have had a hard time believing that there weren't any other fantasy-fiction and sci-fi readers out there, but no one ever seems to mention it. Have you read the Robin Hobbe books? My faves at the moment. 

Back to you, Stuck! 

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Ne1

Dude! It's been almost 3 weeks! I figure you're doing really well or really poorly. What's news? 

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StuckinLA

I don't know, somewhere in the middle. Trying to get some work done every day. Not really accomplishing much. Not going to the gym like I was, hardly getting any exercise. Leaving the house here and there to hang out with a couple of supportive friends. Watching a lot of TV. Heading out of town for a long weekend, and that's the last thing before school starts at the end of the month.

AF 4 weeks, 30 days tomorrow.

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Ne1

Somewhere in the middle isn't bad, Stuck. 

AF for a month is fucking brilliant. :) Very happy for you. 

Glad you're getting a last hurrah before the semester starts. Where are you going? Have you decided on a car? 

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StuckinLA

Going to Chicago and Iowa City. Renting a Prius to see how it is. Have not decided on a car - I hate the whole process of looking. Been poking around online and went to a Carmax the other day, now a couple dealers in the area won't stop calling me and leaving voice messages. My dad loves this kind of thing, so I think we're going to look around a bit while I'm at home. But I think the closest I've come to a decision is to wait a little longer. My car hasn't broke completely yet, and I just put a new batter in the damned thing yesterday. So... gotta get the most out of that hundred bucks.

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Ne1

Two of my favorite cities in the country, actually. Lucky you! I know it's your home base, but it is a great city, regardless. I'd live there if I had fur or would wear it. I lived in Iowa city for a summer after my freshman year of college. (Did you know that?) Iowa City is an amazing little oasis of everything I hold dear. What're you doing there? 

The best thing about an old car? Well, everything. We have two nice cars, by my standards, and two car payments. i have to be careful with them. I don't smoke in them. I clean them and get regular oil changes. Ugh. Can't wait until I have a (reliable) hoopdie again. 

 

 

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StuckinLA

Just visiting, @Ne1. Had an airline ticket I had to use before December (a cancellation from last year), and there's a big Iowa football game Saturday. So plenty of old friends will be in town. It'll be nice to get away. Though the girl & I planned the trip before breaking up, so there will be some awkward bits but we've made our own plans for the whole weekend.

And yes, I knew you lived in IC for a little while. It is a great, great town. The bookstore where I buy all my Christmas cards is there :D

 

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Jetsman32

Hey Stuck- congrats on the AF time- that is no small feat.  If you are looking for an economical car I would suggest a Kia. Kia's 10 years ago were crap but over the last few years they have really stepped up their games to stay competitive with Hyundai. In February I bought a 2016 Kia Rio. The payment is ultra low and it gets 37mpg. It also has a 100K bumper to bumper warranty which is pretty awesome. I would also suggest Hyundai- their cars are a little more "sporty" but also economical as hell, also have low price points and the same warranty as Kia. 

 I hope you enjoy your trip!

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Ne1

I agree, @Jetsman32, about the Hyundais. It was my next choice and a definite winner if we decided to go with an SUV. We have a big truck, and decided to keep it and buy the Prius. (The difference in MPG at that point actually paid 70% of the Prius monthly payment!!) I don't know much about Kias, but really researched Hyundais. Good cars for great price. Anyway...

Hope it's not too awkward, Stuck, and that you enjoy the weekend. Are you guys talking? Is there a chance to rekindle now that you're sober? Are those loaded questions? 

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Lostinspace

Stuck - You’ve been sober for a month?! That’s amazing! :) Congrats! Being in the middle with motivation is pretty much to be expected. I know every time I detoxed, I always expected to get sh*tloads of things done, but my motivation always flagged and I felt like I got even less done. It’s great that you’re still plugging away at getting some work done each day, even if it’s not as much as you’d like.

Edited by Lostinspace
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StuckinLA

Not going to say cravings, but the past couple days I have been thinking about drinking. The standard 30 day hurdle, I guess. Get into a bit of a rut and get bored, and start thinking it wouldn't hurt anything to have a night out. What a load of BS those thoughts are.

Anyway, that's where things stand. 30 days today. Went to a reading tonight - an author I know more or less personally. A few writers from school were there, too. So hung out, talked with the author for a minute, kind of made plans to make plans to maybe have dinner with her and her husband and my girl. Then went to a bar for drinks with the other writers. I had a club soda. 

Talking with people is exhausting. Even more so when you only know 2 out of the 5 people there, and meeting new people freaking blows. Had a cigarette with one woman and chatted with her for a bit about writing and teaching and school, she seems to hate socializing as much as I do and she lives in my neighborhood. So she asked for my number and we might hang out sometime. Kind of weird. She said she has a boyfriend and I was upfront about sort of being in a relationship and not looking for anything. But it is good to know people and to get out of the fucking house now and again.

Leaving for Chicago tomorrow. Need to pack a suitcase. 

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StuckinLA

Damn I've been wanting a drink the past few days. Since the weekend, really. I need to get my head right, set myself in the bedroom in front of some TV and veg out or something. The thought keeps bouncing through my head: It's been almost 6 weeks, one night will be no big deal. Just go out to the bar and enjoy it.

Ugh. Not sure why the temptation feels like it's getting the better of me all of a sudden. Nothing is really different. Except being out of town last weekend. And starting work next week. And the job market for next year just came out and it's a horrorshow. 

Trying to hold it all together.

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Mom2JTx3
1 hour ago, StuckinLA said:

Damn I've been wanting a drink the past few days. Since the weekend, really. I need to get my head right, set myself in the bedroom in front of some TV and veg out or something. The thought keeps bouncing through my head: It's been almost 6 weeks, one night will be no big deal. Just go out to the bar and enjoy it.

Ugh. Not sure why the temptation feels like it's getting the better of me all of a sudden. Nothing is really different. Except being out of town last weekend. And starting work next week. And the job market for next year just came out and it's a horrorshow. 

Trying to hold it all together.

It might be time to start that Baclofen Stuck.  It could be anxiety about work.  Wouldn't it be great to teach sober this semester?  Take a pill!  Hang in there.

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Nicnak

Stuck,those sound like major reasons to want to drink.I don't know what to say because without Baclofen I didn't have an AF day for years.

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actiongirl

Stuck, you don't know me  . . . I am an infrequent visitor to MYO and have been over here every now and then. I came here tonight to see how YOU were doing.

 I am going to be brief. Please know your 30+ days have inspired me a great deal. You also seem to be above the line of despair I saw earlier when you were drinking daily ...

Ok, club soda if you have to go out friend. You got this. All the best - Actiongirl (AG)

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