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The End of my Addiction

Realization- time to get honest


Jetsman32
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Hey all,

    I've only been on this forum for 1 week but want to share some things I've found from my first post (Anxiety after drinking). The only reason I'm doing this is because I need to admit some things in a public forum- even if it is to people I don't know or never will know. If I'm being honest, I can't remember the last full day I went through a full day without being impaired in some type of way. 

1) I have an alcohol problem- not to the extent of some/most of you but definitely a problem- to explain, I only drink on the weekends but when I do I go heavy- I am a binge drinker. I look forward to it all week and my mouth starts watering by 11am on Friday because I know that come 5pm I'll be getting my drink on. For instance, it's only 8pm today  and i'm 10 shots in (rum and coke) and I don't plan on stopping. I bought a 750ml bottle of rum today and I am going to kill it. I've cut down (due to working out) but in the past I'd kill 2 liters of run in a weekend. Also- should I drink during the week I have trouble stopping. For instance, Buffalo Wild Wings has a great happy hour $3 24oz drafts. If my wife wants to go I will and I'll have 3 but NEED to stop on the way home to buy a six pack. This happens maybe once per month max. However, and this is weird, if it is a work function I can have two drinks and go home and be fine- I don't get it!

2) I am addicted to benzo's - this one is hard. I have always had GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) but SSRI's have never worked for me (because I've been drinking duh). So.... I now take 3 g Klonopin a day (although 3 don't work so much anymore). I'm supposed to take one at a time but I need 3 all at once to even feel it (lately it's been 4 or more)   On top of this my wife has a prescription for Ativan and she hardly ever uses it so I take full advantage. The issue here is that I hoard them. I try to use Phenibut 2-3 times per week to not take benzo's so I can have a good supply for after drinking when I get my worst anxiety. I was proud- when I filled my last Klonopin prescription I still had 18 pills left (5 days)! Oh- I was also prescribed muscle relaxers this week for my back- I doubled the dose to feel it and get a temporary "high". They are gone and I don't miss them but wanted to mention it.

3) Excercise- OMG- I love to workout! Last year in November I ran a Spartan Sprint and was in the best shape of my life. I was around 210, fairly ripped and working my ass off. Two days after the race I tore my labrum (shoulder) doing military presses. This lead to 3 months of me doing nothing but drinking and pilling.  I saw a doc and have surgery planned for November 2016 (I wasn't about to ruin my summer in rehab). Since that time I gained 15 lbs- and lost a ton of muscle. In late February I decided to dedicate my life to cardio and getting "thin". I was running 4-6 miles every other day and doing two 24 hour fasts twice per week. Since that time I've lost 17lbs. However, as it happens, I threw out my lower back so I can't workout again until next week. I only bring this up because tonight my wife told me I look skinny and need to gain weight- not the outcome I was looking for. I still look in the mirror and see a fat man- especially in my gut area. I'm 37 by the way. I don't know why I'm infatuated with being - in perfect shape but it's something I've chased forever. Honestly- the best high I ever get is when I finish running 3 miles. It's almost like Euphoria (this might sound crazy).

What this all comes down to is I am an addict. If I'm not obsessing about alcohol then it's my body or pills. I've been either lucky (or strong) enough to manage all of this but lately it's all coming to a head. I feel like I need to manage all 3 at the same time and I'm having problems. I posted on this forum previously and gotten some great advice from awesome people but I feel like I'm not just an A-Holic but rather have multiple addictions all at once. This, no top of my job in HR has proved increasingly difficult (I also go to grad school at night- which is excruciating).

Alright, I'm done, I just wanted to vent and be honest with someone/anyone. I try to be honest with my wife but in her eyes I'm perfect- I provide a great life, am in shape and and a good dad but inside I'm suffering. I felt like I needed to say it out loud- so here it is. This is me. I am an addict in every way imaginable.

I'm not looking for sympathy here- just the opposite. I just want to know their are others like me. I have an addictive personality- it doesn't matter what it is. I'm looking into baclofen and some other ideas but really I just want to connect with other like me. I appreciate all of you. This forum is awesome- Kudss to the creator. 

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Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this forum and that it allowed you the opportunity to open up about your problems. And it's especially great that you're recognizing the problem now. 

I've got to tell you, you seem to be a perfect candidate for baclofen. I also suffered from extreme anxiety, and baclofen provided a universal calm that wasn't addictive. I'm going on six years of high dose baclofen and the calm is still there. On top of that, it seems like you still have some control over your drinking (i.e. you can abstain on weekdays), which would work wonderfully with a baclofen regimen.

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I´m also 2  and a half years sober on bac and the anxiety is still at bay - just. It re emerges at times. Im coping with those times usually.

Keep on keeping on, Jetsman!

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You could also try gabapentin. My pdoc has had a lot of success treating benzo addiction with gabapentin. And it also has anti anxiety and mood stabilizing effect. 

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Baclofen helped me with my drinking and anxiety.  I also have an addictive personality, but haven't found that quitting AL has caused anything else to rear it's ugly head.  I think it's because of the Bac.  I had to take narcotic pain pills recently after surgery and they weren't even fun. 

Dun mentioned Gabapentin.  Sometimes the two are taken together.  My doc prescribed it to me in addition to Baclofen and I use it at night to help me sleep. If it's helpful in Benzo addiction, that might be the perfect combination in your situation?

Best of luck to you!

Mom2

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Thanks all for your comments. I'm definitely interested in Baclofen and have done extensive research on it's potential to help curb/stop drinking and alleviate anxiety. The problem is that my primary doctor flat our will not prescribe it. She has instructed me to stay the course with my Klonopin and try to attend AA. I've tried AA in the past and it's just not for me. I am going to do some research today to see if I can find a psychiatrist for an appointment. I feel that talking to someone like that might be more likely to understand my problems and give me the prescription. For now I am considering buying baclofen online to get started although the prices is pretty high. Any suggestions on how to talk to my doc/psychiatrist about getting on baclofen?

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I really hate our medical system. I work for a good company and have good insurance but today I called over 30 psychiatrist offices and could not find a single one that accepts new patients and is accepting my insurance. This sucks because I really want to get prescribed Baclofen. However, I talked with my wife and we are just going to go ahead and order it online. I'm going to order enough to work me up to 80g per day over a month's time. However, all of the reviews I've read say that 250mg per day is the ideal dose for alcohol and anxiety. If I were to buy it myself at that level I'd be paying over $200 per month. Dang! However, I am going to get started on this med once it comes in the mail. I'm hoping I can start on it and then get a prescription to help me build up. Is this a bad idea or am I handling this correctly? I'd love some advice. Thanks!

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I'd be doing my utmost to try and just slow right down. I've been on that treadmill of trying to train, trying to abstain, suffering binges, back on hundreds of times. Until I really, really hated it I didn't stop to think about making some changes.

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@Jetsman32 - Ugh! to your primary physician pushing AA. Yes, I know it's very helpful for some, but it's not an evidence-based treatment. Very frustrating. And sorry you can't get an appointment with any local psychiatrists. Have you looked into an addiction specialist by any chance? Some people on here have reported good results with those.

As far as the "ideal dose," it depends on the person's individual physiology. The optimal dose is not determined by weight, gender, or any other factors that I have seen. Some people hit the "switch" to alcohol indifference at 50 mgs/day or less. Others have to go up to 300+/day to find relief.  Baclofen can have side effects that some people find quite severe, and because of that, it's always a good idea to go up in dosage slowly and steadily. Here is the prescribing guide for baclofen users. 

Edited by Felina
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Hi Felina, the frustration level yesterday was at an all time high. I've tried AA multiple times now and always had the same results. The last time I thought I made a true friend that would stick by me but the minute I told him I drank a six pack he dropped me and stopped talking to me altogether- I have never been so disappointed in a person that I really liked and respected. I even introduced him to my family and we hung out on multiple occasions and had deep conversations.  I will never go back to AA for any reason. I feel like they are brainwashed (personal opinion here- I know it works for some people so no disrespect intended) but every AA person I've trusted has led me to believe they care about ME but in reality all they care about is their AA mantra's. (Again- if I disrespected you I apologize- this is my personal experience).

 I made over 30 calls yesterday and every psychiatry office I talked to is now only taking in-patient or doesn't accept my insurance. There was only one that is on my plan and I left two messages- i guess I'll see if they call back. I did call the local Mental Health Facility and they have walk in hours daily to see a Psychiatrist which is awesome. HOWEVER, they don't accept my insurance (although they are state run). Funny thing about that though, If I had Obamacare they would see me- LOL, not to be political but I guess having a full time job with good insurance isn't all it's cracked up to be. However, that's political talk so I'll leave it for another day.

 My wife and I had a heart to heart last night and we have decided to go ahead and order baclofen online. I'm going to start at 20mg per day and increase by 10mg every 4 days until I hit a comfort level. Although the cost is high- we both agree that it's worth it. If it were not for this forum I wouldn't even know what baclofen is or what it can do for people like me. (Thank you also to all other posters that sent me info).  I also understand the side effects and am ready to face them head on- anything is better than the road I am on at this point. If you have any other suggestions or pointers I'd appreciate them. Thank you!

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10 hours ago, Jetsman32 said:

 However, all of the reviews I've read say that 250mg per day is the ideal dose for alcohol and anxiety. If I were to buy it myself at that level I'd be paying over $200 per month. Dang! However, I am going to get started on this med once it comes in the mail. I'm hoping I can start on it and then get a prescription to help me build up. Is this a bad idea or am I handling this correctly? I'd love some advice. Thanks!

250mg/day was just about my switch dose, more or less. But when I first started, I was keeping abstinent and I hit 150mg/day and about 60 days of sobriety right around the same time, and I felt GREAT. It was like the pink cloud or whatever the fuck they call it. I cleaned my apartment, opened all the curtains, stood there in my undies with a bottle of windex cleaning all the windows. Then I sat down and realized I'd just lived through the most obvious metaphor in the history of cliches.

1 hour ago, Jetsman32 said:

Hi Felina, the frustration level yesterday was at an all time high. I've tried AA multiple times now and always had the same results. The last time I thought I made a true friend that would stick by me but the minute I told him I drank a six pack he dropped me and stopped talking to me altogether- I have never been so disappointed in a person that I really liked and respected. I even introduced him to my family and we hung out on multiple occasions and had deep conversations.  I will never go back to AA for any reason. I feel like they are brainwashed (personal opinion here- I know it works for some people so no disrespect intended) but every AA person I've trusted has led me to believe they care about ME but in reality all they care about is their AA mantra's. (Again- if I disrespected you I apologize- this is my personal experience).

 

Progress not perfection, right?

That really sucks, man. AA's success rate is abysmal, and no one talks about that. It is super-frustrating. I have no idea how this round of trying AA will work for me. I have a feeling it won't go all that well, ultimately, as I'm not planning to throw myself into the program - but for now, just to share my personal story, it seems to be helping me to get out of the house and be around people.

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You bring up a great point- I did meet some really cool people in AA that I could relate to and it provided a social outlet. It was just the fact that they were so brainwashed (I hate that term) that I could never connect with them on the level I wanted to. I also hated the fact that they almost ordered me to be at meetings every day- I have a family and don't have time for that. I Ordered my Baclofen through River Pharmacy- will be delivered in 7-10 business days. Can't wait to get it. I'm kind of on a bender now. Have drank since Monday and still going. Started with rum and diet cokes last night - ended at 1:00pm and started again at 7:00pm this morning. It's either that or klonopin- I made my choice. It's weird, I'll go 6 months and only drink on weekends then I'll go on a week long run. It's absolute insanity! When I get the baclofen I have made a promise to my wife that the drinking stops while I dose up. I rarely break promises to her so hopefully this will be the turning point. BTW- StuckinLA you have been super helpful through all of this - I truly appreciate it.

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2 hours ago, Jetsman32 said:

I'm going to start at 20mg per day and increase by 10mg every 4 days until I hit a comfort level

Not wishing to nit pick but I would start on 10mg and I would agree with the 4 day period - This is recommended in the guide Felina linked to

I would also remind you that you must not run out - Always make sure you have (imo) a months supply in back up, incase the pharmacy is no longer able to supply

I reached a happy place at 150mg a day and remain content at 100mg a day

I have always wondered what the switch was, I was fairly indifferent all the way through my titration - Some have accused me of not suffering AUD - Sure I still fancy a drink occasionally but I can soon get over it - Is that the switch?

One last thing I would add is that Baclofen will only help you to change your "attitude" towards drinking. In that for me it reduces the anxieties that were suppressed with the reward that alcohol offered me - BUT and this is a big but - IMO you need to change your lifestyle until you are content being surrounded by people who are getting and who are pissed - This means finding something else to do in the early days at the weekends that does not revolve around AL - Baclofen can only help you so far - It is also your responsibility to respect its help and to add your own impetus into the equation

I would also aim for abstinence, initially - Once this is in the bag you can decide whether to moderate - I appreciate some have maintained moderation throughout and my respect goes to them - It was just not for me

I know you are an excersise sort of chap - This is a great thing - Channel your energies into this and who knows you may turn out to be sober, peng MF

Obviously, just my opinion

Regards

 

Bacman

Regards

 

Bacman

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Thanks Bacman- I'm on it. Will follow your instructions.

Last night (on the 4th day of my binge) I was drunk out of my mind and posted all my most personal feelings on Facebook. I thought I was "getting it out" and I did but today I feel terrible. I shouldn't because the people I called out deserved it. However, everyone saw it. Friends and co-workers alike. I am so embarrassed! 

This morning (yes it's 6am) I woke up and immediately deleted Facebook. I'm on my second liter of rum in two days. I seriously hate myself right now and never want to drink again.

I don't want to die or anything like that but I hate myself- to the point where I don't know what to do. I've tried every option and there is no solution. AA sucks and I can't find a mental health doctor that will accept my insurance. I am on the verge of insanity.

There is a walk in psychiatry place in my town- it costs a ton but I am going to go there today. I need to be done drinking- forever. The pain after is too much for me to handle. Will check in later today. Thank you all

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This might be uncommon but I need to talk to someone. My cell phone number is 603-377-0356.If you care and would take the time I need to talk to someone.

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@Jetsman32 your post was about 3 hours ago, so maybe you're not around anymore. I just tried to call - but, to be honest, I'm getting real bad cell reception right now (no, that's not an excuse). Do you have apple facetime or skype or anything? I'll be around for another hour or so this morning.

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@Jetsman32 the prescribing guide for bac that you can show a doctor is here on the site. There's also a new book out with a lot of the same info that you can also print out. Here's a link to the free chapter: http://www.aprescriptionforalcoholics.com/free/

Just fill out the form with your email. When I did it, she emailed right away (I think it's an auto-reply) and I downloaded the chapter immediately. 

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6 hours ago, Jetsman32 said:

Last night (on the 4th day of my binge) I was drunk out of my mind and posted all my most personal feelings on Facebook. I thought I as "getting it out" and I did but today I feel terrible. I shouldn't because the people I called out deserved it. However, everyone saw it. Friends and co-workers alike. I am so embarrassed! 

I think most of us can see a bit of this in us - Not necessarily Facebook but I have certainly said things when I was drunk, that reflection could maybe have put better - Although I bloody well meant it - The remorse will dwindle

1 hour ago, StuckinLA said:

@Jetsman32 your post was about 3 hours ago, so maybe you're not around anymore. I just tried to call - but, to be honest, I'm getting real bad cell reception right now (no, that's not an excuse). Do you have apple facetime or skype or anything? I'll be around for another hour or so this morning.

Good on you, Stuckmiester

 

Regards

 

Bacman

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Hey jetsman. I'm thinking of you. If you still need to talk, call Stuck. And I'll try to call or text sometime soon. 

I can totally relate to laying it all out there and then freaking out about it. And also the incredible remorse during, or just after, a binge. 

I hope you're okay. Touch base here as soon as you can, will you? There's a chat feature, too, if you want to chat with someone. I used to use that all the time when I was freaking out and needed immediate support. I'll sign in there, and hopefully other people will too, if they have access to their computers and can keep an eye on it to see if you show up. Here's the link:

http://www.theendofmyaddiction.org/chat/

:hug:

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So I'm sitting here eating some pickles and a nice baguette just saw this post tried to call no answer.  I hope your ok brother.  Post soon please.....

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Hey all, quick update. I'm now around 18 hours from my last drink. StuckinLA connected with m yesterday and it was extremely helpful.

Yesterday afternoon and so far this morning I feel absolutely awful. I have the shakes, anxiety is through the roof and I'm getting cold sweats.

The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to take 4 1m Klonopin and 2 1 mg Ativan. I know this sounds like a high dose but I have a very strong benzo tolerence. I took all of this about 20 minutes ago- no help as of yet. I also took close to 4g of Phenibut which usually takes about 4 hours to fully kick in. I'm praying that will help.

Over the course of my 4 day binge I drank 18 beers and 2 liters of rum. I am so regretting it now. I even called in to work yesterday because I was drunk in the morning.

I'm very scared- I was reading up on withdrawals and it said the worst part is around 24-48 hours and that is when you will feel the full effect- I'm not sure if I can handle it getting even worse than it is now.

Do any of you suggest tapering as an option. I've been reading up on that as well. It says I should but a 12 pack of beer and try to drink 1 ever 2 hours or so. I don't necessarily want to go that route but I also don't know how much more of this pan I can handle realistically. Please don't worry though- I have no intentions of hurting myself Im just terrified that today is going to get worse.

Any thoughts or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Also thank you to all those that tried to cal me yesterday. Time2Quit- I believe you tried to call last night late but I had just finally nodded off so did not answer. Sleep last night was horrible. I woke up every hour with anxiety and heavy sweats.

I just don't know what to do today. Even though I hate it, I'm actually considering going to an AA meeting just to get out of my own head.

Also- my wife is now waffling on the baclofen. She says I should only take it under a doctors care but I want to start immediately. She says that ordering it online is not safe since we don't know we are getting the real thing. I Absolutely want to be done with drinking for good so I badly want to order this medicine.

BTW- I never ended up going to the walk-in mental health clinic. As it turns out it costs $250 for the initial visit and you don't even see a real doctor- just a counselor. From there they refer you to a psychiatrist which can take 4-6 weeks- I can't want that long. I need to do something today.

I also don't want to go to the ER. All they will do is give me more benzo's which I already have plenty of.

I know most of you have exprerienced this but the mental pain is overwhelming me. Sorry to ramble- just wanted to share. Please post any advice you have when you can. Thank you all.

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Jetsman - I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful today and having such a tough time in general. You had only taken the klonopin and ativan 20 minutes ago when you posted, so I hope the shakiness, sweats and anxiety have started to abate by now. I’ll qualify what I’m about to say by stating that I’m not a medical doctor, however, I don’t think tapering is necessary in your case. For the most part, your drinking has been limited to weekends with only the very occasional week-long bender, so it’s unlikely that you’ve become physically dependent within the last week. It’s normal to have rebound effects of anxiety and shakiness after drinking heavily, especially when that drinking took place over several days. And it sounds like you have enough benzos to get through this period until your body stabilizes again regardless. Hang in there. I know it feels awful, but tapering can easily open up the possibility of prolonging/restarting the bender if you’re not super disciplined. I would try to just stick with the benzos to get through until the anxiety/shakiness goes down.

As far as online baclofen goes - I guarantee you it’s the real deal. I order mine from River pharmacy, which supplements the 160 mg prescription I get from my psychiatrist. The prescription alone didn’t get me to where I wanted to get, but with supplemental baclofen from River, I reached complete and total indifference to alcohol. And trust me, it’s not a placebo effect. There were so many things over the years that I truly believed would work, or at least help, including other medications, supplements, etc, but they didn’t help for sh*t. I can’t trick my (formerly) alcoholic brain into thinking that a pill is helping when it’s not. The stuff I get from River is the real deal and it works! There are many of us here with positive experiences ordering from River, Gold Pharma, and other reputable online pharmacies, so I hope you can convince your wife. Good luck and keep up posted on how it’s going!

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Hi- you were right. It took almost an hour but the benzo's finally kicked in. The Phenibut should be doing so soon which is great. Anxiety is still there but it's very gentle at the moment which I handle. I don't think I'm out of the woods yet but I think today might be manageable after all.

What is the best pharmacy in terms of price per pill? I'm trying to see my wife on this because I know I won't get to see a psychiatrist for at least 2-3 weeks and I want to start baclofen immediately. Even if I only order 100 10 MG pills that should be plenty to help me ramp up until I can get an actual prescription (I hope anyway).

I think the benzo's might be working too well, I am physically exhausted. Going to go take a quick nap then my family and I are heading to the outdoor pool at our local YMCA (its 93 degrees here today) I think the sun and natural vitamin D will be very helpful. I also bough vitamin B1 since I read that it can be extremely helpful during withdrawal. I guess I'll see though.

StuckinLA- thanks again- if I run into any other issues today I will probably text you.

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Jetsman, I hope you are OK. Interesting that the impression from your first few posts was that you weren´t really a heavy drinker at all. 2L of rum & 18 beers over 4 days is quite a bit. Thats 98 UK units? Might be more.

Don´t worry about the bac ordered online not being the real thing - I don´t think anyone has reported dud tabs as far as I can remember. These online pharmacies are looking for regular customers - selling fake tabs won´t get them very far.

Price per pill is variable I choose based on which one will let me pay by credit card, and which ones label their products correctly "pharmaceuticals for personal use" or similar, so that UK customs can´t seize them & threaten you.

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4 hours ago, Molly78 said:

Price per pill is variable I choose based on which one will let me pay by credit card, and which ones label their products correctly "pharmaceuticals for personal use" or similar, so that UK customs can´t seize them & threaten you.

FWIW, Molly (I am sure you know) - But it is NOT illegal to import prescription drugs from ABROAD into the UK, provided they can be shown to be for personal use - You ARE however liable for import duty, which is rather laughable in the great scheme of things

Regards

 

Bacman

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On June 1, 2016 at 11:51 PM, Jetsman32 said:

I really hate our medical system. I work for a good company and have good insurance but today I called over 30 psychiatrist offices and could not find a single one that accepts new patients and is accepting my insurance. This sucks because I really want to get prescribed Baclofen. However, I talked with my wife and we are just going to go ahead and order it online. I'm going to order enough to work me up to 80g per day over a month's time. However, all of the reviews I've read say that 250mg per day is the ideal dose for alcohol and anxiety. If I were to buy it myself at that level I'd be paying over $200 per month. Dang! However, I am going to get started on this med once it comes in the mail. I'm hoping I can start on it and then get a prescription to help me build up. Is this a bad idea or am I handling this correctly? I'd love some advice. Thanks!

I'm late to your thread. I apologize. You may find that you don't need to go up to 250 mgs. I'll read on and comment where appropriate. 

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Is there a certain "type" of Baclofen I should order online? There are tons of choices. I am on Godpharma right now and here is what I see:

Lioresal 10mg emra 50 tbl. n2  10mg 
50tabletsUS$ 30.83

EMRA-MED Arzneimittel GmbH   

 

Lioresal 10mg kohlpharma 50 tbl.  10mg 
50tabletsUS$ 30.87

kohlpharma GmbH   

 

Lioresal 10mg cc pharma 50 tbl. n2  10mg 
50tabletsUS$ 31.33

CC-Pharma GmbH   

 

Baclofen dura 10mg 100 tbl.  10mg 
100tabletsUS$ 29.97

Mylan dura GmbH   

Baclofen-ratiopharm 10mg 100 tbl.  10mg 
100tabletsUS$ 31.04

ratiopharm GmbH   

 

Baclofen-neuraxpharm 10mg 100 tbl.  10mg 
100tabletsUS$ 31.04

neuraxpharm Arzneimittel GmbH   

 

Lioresal 10mg aca tbl. 100 st.  10mg 
100tabletsUS$ 41.31

ACA Müller/ADAG Pharma AG   

 

Lioresal 10 beragena tbl. 100 st.  10mg 
100tabletsUS$ 41.33

BERAGENA Arzneimittel GmbH   

 

Lioresal 10 eurim tbl. 100 st.  10mg 
100tabletsUS$ 41.35

EurimPharm Arzneimittel GmbH

 

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It seems like Goldpharma is way cheaper than River Pharmacy- however I have no idea what I'm looking at.

 

I think Im going to go with this below. Does that sound right to all of you?:

Lioresal 10mg 100 tbl.10mg 100Tablets

 

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11 minutes ago, Jetsman32 said:

It seems like Goldpharma is way cheaper than River Pharmacy- however I have no idea what I'm looking at.

 

I think Im going to go with this below. Does that sound right to all of you?:

Lioresal 10mg 100 tbl.10mg 100Tablets

 

This is the brand I used. My doctor started me at 30 mgs and I went up 10 mgs every 3 or 4 days. My issue was that my doctor wouldn't let me go above 80 mgs. I was there awhile and it ended up being my switch. 

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