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The End of my Addiction

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Molly78
On 02/07/2016 at 4:36 PM, Nicnak said:

Well we had a letter today stating that although we have legal aid we have enough income to pay £4900 of it (don't know it can cost that much)

And because we have a lot of equity in our house people can claim compensation from us (do they want me to sell my house?)

And if he goes to prison he won't have any income and will most probably loose his job 

If he goes to prison we won't have to pay a fine of up to £5000 and any compensation so I'm thinking he should just with no representation and go to prison (and rot there!)

Oh Nicnak, that sounds a dreadful situation.

However, if you are like me, I am a catastrophiser. I see  the worst possible outcome in every situation. I get myself all worked up & virtually give up before the outcome is known. It was relatively late inlife that I identified this characteristic in myself, & since I have done so, it's made an amazing difference to how I view disasters - I actually catch myself "thinking the worst" & can even laugh at myself a bit.

I'm not wishing to dismiss the severity of your current problem - I don't know enough about the legal stuff to do that, but what would be the best outcome you could expect? And is your husbands employer aware of what is going on? Have they actually said he will lose his job? Do you know for certain that the injured parties are going toclaim compensation?

Also, you won't actually need to sell your house - you can take out the equity (remortgage) & continue to live in the house.

Think how much worse things woould be if you were drinking throughout all this - that moment of waking with a hangover when you know for certain that the whole world is against you!

There's a great scene in Life of Brian where  the guys who are being crucified start swinging "Always look on the bright side of life". If I had the IT skills I would  post a link to it to cheer you up.

Stay positive - you've done so well to become AF when your world is falling down around your ears.

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Good morning everyone. I hope you all had a nice weekend, and for those in the US, a nice long weekend. I got at least two of the three days off (although I only have to go in for a few hours today).

Hi all, I'm back from Europe/Britain.   Had a great time with Dad. Made me happy to see him so happy. Was in London during Brexit vote, with old family friends who voted Leave. Was

I picture myself driving along with a car full of balloons blown up by sober people.

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Nicnak

Thanks molly

I actually do look in the bright side most of the time,life's thrown a lot of rubbish at me over the years.My mother was an alcoholic and drug addict and I had an awful childhood but just waited till I had a job and left home at 17.But this has really thrown me mainly because of the kids.If it was just me i could cope with it .

My husbands work don't know what's going on and he had this crazy idea of telling them he has a sister in America who needs a kidney transplant and he is a match.

But I know they will find out with so much social media about nowadays.

 

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Hi all,

I'm back from Europe/Britain.

 

Had a great time with Dad. Made me happy to see him so happy.

Was in London during Brexit vote, with old family friends who voted Leave. Was difficult to be with them, they are very conservative on a lot of things. Bright people, but voted with emotion and with no thought to the consequences.

I stayed sober mostly. I had a few blow outs, but otherwise drank little or none at all. I was titrating up to 225mg but the fatigue was so bad that I pegged back a bit to 210mg. Decided that was stupid and started back up to 225mg.

Now I'm back in Sydney I am trying to not drink with varied success. It's a bit of a struggle, to be honest. I feel that I am close though.

Hey Stuck -- lose the gun dude. I think I get that you weren't trying to off yourself, but... it isn't good to have the option to do so when you're drunk and can do or think anything. Please don't take offence.

 

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StuckinLA

Fucking 4th of July in a Mexican neighborhood. The fireworks - and I mean professional quality mortars - have been going off since yesterday. My cat, one of them, the little one, she's so scared she won't get up off my arm. She's trying to sleep on me and she won't let go of my hand with her little paws. And every time a loud boom goes off outside her head jerks up, and I have to rub her ears a little bit with my thumb to calm her down and put her back to sleep.

So that's where I'm at today. 

My girl is my cat who has never ever once failed me. And I will do everything I can possibly do to make her comfortable. 

Happy Independence Day, everyone! Hope we can all be independent from all the neoliberal bullshit in the world and from this fucking disease holding us down. Love you all.

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Lostinspace

Good morning everyone. I hope you all had a nice weekend, and for those in the US, a nice long weekend. I got at least two of the three days off (although I only have to go in for a few hours today). I have to say, though, between dragon boat practice, taking a 10 mile loop hike with my co-worker, going to two barbecues, both of which I had to prepare food for, fighting traffic to go see the fireworks last night, and fitting in necessary chores like laundry and grocery shopping, I don’t feel I ever got a chance to relax during my weekend off. Oh well. I had fun.

Nicnak - A belated congratulations on reaching indifference! That’s so awesome! I remember when your doctor basically forced you to stop taking it the last time - so unbelievably frustrating. Actually, it’s not frustrating, more like infuriating! Anyway, I’m glad you found your freedom again, even if it means you have to keep it a secret from stupid doctors who don’t want to hear the evidence of its efficacy. I’m so sorry for all the stress you’re going through with your husband’s drunk driving offense, though. I’m painfully familiar with what it’s like to go through that process, albeit from your husband’s perspective, rather than yours. You’re in the absolute worst part of this whole process now - the part where everything is up in the air, you don’t know which of a few (or several) possibilities will happen, and your mind automatically goes to the worst case scenario. Try as best as you can to withhold the panic and wait until you have all the facts. Much easier said than done, I know. Hang in there. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts. You too, Ne. I’ll be sending many positive thoughts and vibes out into universe for you on Wednesday.

MJM - I’m glad the trip went so well! And I’m glad to hear that you feel you’re getting close to indifference again. All very good things :-)

Stuck - I didn’t see the post that people are responding to (I guess you got to it fast enough to be able to delete it?), so I don’t know the context. But I would also agree that you should lose the gun, anyway. I’ve done some very impulsive things when drunk and depressed, including once trying to kill myself by taking a lethal overdose. I was found in time and recovered after spending two days in a coma in the ICU, but it didn’t need to happen. I wasn’t that depressed on a day to day basis. It’s just that for whatever reason, the supremely drunk state I was in that night caused everything to look a thousand times more bleak and insurmountable than it really was. Do yourself a favor and protect yourself from your drunken self. We care about you :hug: Oh, and I hope the fireworks stop soon for your poor cat’s sake!

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Nicnak

Thanks LIS,I'm trying to stay positive.

NE re Ed

In the uk you defo don't go to prison for DD unless you are a repeat offender and even the it's not mandatory but having said that you will ALWAYS get a ban of at least a year but hopefully in America things are different and because of his need to drive for his job they won't ban him

when will you find out?

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Mentium

Last night I was so tired and also fed up with drinking that I didn't drink much at all. I dropped off to sleep earlier than normal. The end result is feeling like I have been in withdrawal mode all day. Unpleasant!

On the plus side my Naltrexone is being dispatched today. But it has made me think about the fact that if the Nal does its job and one drinks less and less over time the likelihood of prolonged withdrawal arises. Not that I drink enough to experience any great discomfort. Agitation and anxiety for a day or two and the first night with little or no sleep. I shudder to think what the DYs must be like!

 

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On 7/5/2016 at 10:04 AM, Mentium said:

... But it has made me think about the fact that if the Nal does its job and one drinks less and less over time the likelihood of prolonged withdrawal arises. Not that I drink enough to experience any great discomfort. 

 

Sorry you had a bad night, Menty. But with naltrexone, the idea behind the whole thing is that you don't experience withdrawals. It's just a slow progression of diminishing drinks. No reward=less consumption until finally, you just opt out of the beery-go-round. 

Thanks, Nic. I can't believe how (relatively) easily and smoothly everything went. I'll be back tomorrow morning. I'm wiped out! Emotional exhaustion is still exhausting! I am crossing my fingers for you, @Nicnak, that things go as smoothly and the results are not as dire as we predicted they would be all along! 

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Okay, I've read back some and caught up. LIS, I can't believe how full your life is and how active you are! Congrats, sister. I'm like @Missykc and @DunDrinkn that I'm still not feeling particularly social. I was stressing myself out about it, actually, and after reading their posts, I decided to chill out and just hibernate if that's what's coming naturally. I want my life to be full and active with lots of friends and things-to-do. But maybe that's not me? Or maybe it's not me right now? (Sorry to make it all about me!) How did you even find out about Dragon Boat Racing? Very, very cool. Can you post a picture of your boat? 

Thanks for the good vibes and warm thoughts, everyone. Ed got the minimum sentence possible for a DUI. Which is unbelievable since he refused the breathalyzer and admitted to having a previous DUI. (It wasn't on his record because it was more than 10 years ago. Because he said something to the police officer about it, it was admissible in court.)  I don't know how it works in other countries, but it pays to buy a very expensive lawyer, in our experience. (Sad but true) The guy we hired is the 3rd generation of lawyers in his family. And they're all named the same. His grandfather was very active in the area, as is he. Anyway. He talked to the prosecutor the day before the trial and they arranged a plea deal. No jail time. Minimum fine. Restricted license for a year. Interlock (the thing you blow into) for 6 months. Prosecutor threw out the charge related to refusing the breathalyzer! So it still sucks, of course, but we feel extremely lucky. I hope the same thing happens for you, @Nicnak

@MJM, I'm sorry to hear about the fact that you're still struggling. I hope the change in scenery changes the pattern, too. How are you feeling now? 

@Mentium, have you started the nal, yet? 

 

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Molly78

Ne, your comments about your lawyer remind me of a birthday card I bought for my youngest son, who is a lawyer (corporate, not criminal). The cartoon on the front is a potential client standing in a lawyers' reception. The company name is visible across the top - "Bastard, Bastard, Smith & Bastard".  The client is spaeking to one of the lawyers - "No offence, Mr Smith, but I was hoping to be represented by one of your colleagues".

It's funnier as a cartoon, I wish I had taken a photo of it before I sent it.

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Mentium
2 hours ago, Ne1 said:

-snip-

@Mentium, have you started the nal, yet? 

 

Nope - was shipped on the 5th I think. Gotta get here from the Pacific region and then quite possibly be intercepted by customs. That's a bit random. though. One lot of baclofen was but the first one wasn't. Go figure. Thanks for asking. Will pop the first pill the day I get them!

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Baclofenman
4 hours ago, Mentium said:

Nope - was shipped on the 5th I think. Gotta get here from the Pacific region and then quite possibly be intercepted by customs. That's a bit random. though. One lot of baclofen was but the first one wasn't. Go figure. Thanks for asking. Will pop the first pill the day I get them!

@Mentium

River Pharmacy??

They have a tracking system Menty - Normally noted as received in Coventry and in your hand 2 or 3 days later, in my experience

Regards

 

Bacman

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Baclofenman
6 hours ago, Molly78 said:

Ne, your comments about your lawyer remind me of a birthday card I bought for my youngest son, who is a lawyer (corporate, not criminal). The cartoon on the front is a potential client standing in a lawyers' reception. The company name is visible across the top - "Bastard, Bastard, Smith & Bastard".  The client is spaeking to one of the lawyers - "No offence, Mr Smith, but I was hoping to be represented by one of your colleagues".

It's funnier as a cartoon, I wish I had taken a photo of it before I sent it.

Bastard.png

Regards

 

Bacman

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Mentium
9 minutes ago, Baclofenman said:

@Mentium

River Pharmacy??

They have a tracking system Menty - Normally noted as received in Coventry and in your hand 2 or 3 days later, in my experience

Regards

 

Bacman

Yep - and I noticed the tracking system just today as it happens. Not that I will use it I suspect. They will pop through the letter box when they are good and ready.

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Love that cartoon. So our lawyer is known as a good guy. Like he's friends with everyone. I think he basically grew up in and around the courthouse since his dad and grandfather were both lawyers. It's their practice and they actually own this huge building in downtown Norfolk. Not that Norfolk is particularly expensive, but it's large, gorgeous and all theirs. He's got this Southern charm thing going on that doesn't even seem smarmy. (Most of the time, that whole "Southern" thing grates my every last nerve.) In his case it seems genuine. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar…Actually, I find that being vinegar-y gets sh*t taken care of, but I'm probably not the best judge, since I'm not particularly "nice" in my real life. I used to think I wanted to be nice, and sought to achieve that as a goal. But somewhere along the line it went awry and I've just accepted that I tend to be impatient, easily annoyed, and very vocal about it all. Ed's a nice guy. He evens me out. But when something has got to happen and he gets the run around…Then I step in. It works for us. I know I've posted this a million times, but I take it to heart: (Tina Fey, Bitch is the New Black

Here's the vimeo link that's just that segment: 

https://vimeo.com/108275843

This is the long version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3vAVhaIEIk 

I've got a lot of stuff to update on my own thread. I have been remiss in keeping up with EOMA! Even though it's my first love. I have been keeping up, for the most part, with my goals. Well, sorta. Anyway, I'll fill it all in on the other thread. 

Ed's feeling guilty about all the time he took off last week and weekend, (after working a couple of 60-hour weeks!) so he's working at least part of today and tomorrow. Frankly, it's better for me when he goes to work in the mornings, because otherwise he kerfuffles my schedule, and I don't need the kerfuffle! I gotta do the same things every day or I get all bamboozled and it takes me days to get back into the flow. (It's very comforting to blame it on him. ;) )

One of the bad things that happened is that I went from being all gung-ho about studying to getting out of the routine and then freaking out about it and the exam. And I haven't been able to make myself study consistently. (My mind is my worst enemy. It drives me nuts.) Hoping today changes that all around. Send me some good study vibes, will you folks? 

What're you guys doing this weekend? 

 

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fredson

I don't plan to follow or contribute to this thread, but I do want to congratulate how well put-together this forum is. I'm sure that this place is going to take off for the same reason Google surpassed Yahoo and AOL- cleanly laid out and relevant content that wasn't choked with bugs, spammy sponsored content or dogsh*t troll posts and comments. 

 

 

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Nicnak

NE 

I have a problem with NICE myself.I have WAY to much empathy that I think it's a disability.I always worry about how other people are feeling and how I am making them feel.I can't watch animal adverts in tv about them being abused as I think about if for days,I even pick snails up off the path and put them back to a safer place.

This must sound mad but I really don't want to be like this and want to be more assertive.

 As you can probably tell I'm really down and at rock bottom at the moment but the only way is up I suppose.

hubbys hearing is Monday when he will be found guilty and probably sentenced within 3 weeks.The solicitor thinks he will be assigned a probation officer before he is sentenced

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1 hour ago, fredson said:

I don't plan to follow or contribute to this thread, but I do want to congratulate how well put-together this forum is. 

I like it here, too. Thanks, @fredson. :)

1 hour ago, Nicnak said:

NE 

I have a problem with NICE myself.I have WAY to much empathy that I think it's a disability.I always worry about how other people are feeling and how I am making them feel.I can't watch animal adverts in tv about them being abused as I think about if for days,I even pick snails up off the path and put them back to a safer place.

This must sound mad but I really don't want to be like this and want to be more assertive.

 As you can probably tell I'm really down and at rock bottom at the moment but the only way is up I suppose.

hubbys hearing is Monday when he will be found guilty and probably sentenced within 3 weeks.The solicitor thinks he will be assigned a probation officer before he is sentenced

I have the same problem related to empathy. I used to have WAY TOO MUCH when it came to people, and still have way too much when it comes to animals. Something clicked for me, after a good deal of therapy, when I saw a movie where the Dalai Lama was interviewed for a couple of hours...I don't remember it exactly. But the (western) person interviewing him would ask him about something particularly atrocious (the people butchered by <pick one> in <pick a country>) and the Dalai Lama would shake his head and say "It's very sad. It hurts my heart." And then he'd move on. (Have you ever seen the Dalai Lama laugh? It's pretty awesome. Not chuckle, because I think he does that when he's uncomfortable. But actually laugh. Very cool. Anyway.)

My take away is that there is a lot of real sh*t in this lifetime. (I don't really believe in more lifetimes, so this bums me out. I wish I was Buddhist!) My dad and I have a running joke about the fact that life sucks but you still have to live it. We mostly say it when things are going really well. Like the time his car was stolen the night before he was going to sell it for $8000. The insurance company totaled it out and paid him $14k. 

But being empathetic and being assertive are two different things. I tend to run at the opposite end of the "assertiveness" bell curve and can be (ahem) a little...just a wee bit...antagonistic and unyielding. So they tell me. They could be wrong. Probably are, because I'm usually, almost always, right. ;) 

I'm really sorry you're feeling so down. I can completely understand why. It's darkest before the dawn (God, I use too many cliches!) and you guys have a big, scary day on Monday. 

Tell you a little story about our experience. Ed talked to the lawyer the day before court, so we knew exactly how it would turn out. I figured there was no reason for me to go. You know what I mean? Like, why would I want to sit in the courtroom (in clothes that are too tight for me) and wait to hear stuff we already know? But then afterward I felt a little guilty and I asked him if it hurt his feelings that I didn't go. And he said yes. That it would have been nice to have the support. I totally get that, and wish I had gone. But there's a small part of me that thinks, "YOU'VE GOTTEN ENOUGH SUPPORT FROM ME ABOUT THIS!!! So suck it up!" 

But that's just between us, here on this anonymous forum open to the whole world to see. Hang in there sister. :hug: 

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Hi all,

Ne - really glad that the case is over and that Ed has had the minimum penalty. I know you said it was expensive, but a great outcome. Best bit is that it's over!

I'm up in Far North Queensland on holiday with my family. I had just titrated up to 225mg but the SEs were terrible. We're all sharing a hotel room and no-one could sleep because of my snoring (a SE I've had when titrating up before). Also had constant lower back pain and sore leg joints. I went back down to 200mg to try to give both the family and me some relief (and bought a mouth guard, which worked really well last time I was snoring due to Bac).

Now here's the weird part. Last two nights I drank a few beers and couldn't drink anymore. Tonight I just couldn't be bothered drinking at all. So it seems as though I've hit the switch! Not sure why - maybe being on holiday. Even been less interested in smoking. Not easy with the kids with us all the time, but even when I've had the opportunity to sneak off and have one, I didn't. Not there yet, but here's hoping I can continue with this lack of interest all the time.

My wife has gotten absolutely sozzled a few times in the last few weeks, getting really stumbly and argumentative - with me and the kids. We were out to dinner a few nights ago up here and she asked me three times what I was going to order. Being mean to the kids too. Hard to watch. She got pretty stressed when I was away for three weeks with Dad so she blames her drinking on that and that she is exhausted. I've told her yesterday that we will need to talk about it, so she got teary and gave me the silent treatment for a couple hours. Bloody hard to deal with when I'm trying to sort out my own shit. Oh well, we'll get there, one way or another...

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Lostinspace

Hello everyone. Just catching up on this thread.

MJM - EDIT: I responded earlier having somehow not seen your latest post. Congratulations on reaching your switch again! I'm sorry you've had to deal with drunkenness from the other side, though, with your wife. That's stressful enough in its own right, but especially when you're trying to deal with your own drinking. I hope your talk with her goes well and that the rest of your vacation goes a little more smoothly.

On 7/8/2016 at 10:16 AM, Ne1 said:

Okay, I've read back some and caught up. LIS, I can't believe how full your life is and how active you are! Congrats, sister. I'm like @Missykc and @DunDrinkn that I'm still not feeling particularly social. I was stressing myself out about it, actually, and after reading their posts, I decided to chill out and just hibernate if that's what's coming naturally. I want my life to be full and active with lots of friends and things-to-do. But maybe that's not me? Or maybe it's not me right now? (Sorry to make it all about me!) How did you even find out about Dragon Boat Racing? Very, very cool. Can you post a picture of your boat?

Ne - I didn’t feel social for a long time. When I first got sober on bac, I spent every evening watching tv and reading. I wouldn’t have left the house for anything. When I  was sober long enough, though, I started to feel lonely, and really, really bored. I had no hobbies that I was into and not a single friend besides my husband in the town that I’ve lived in for the last nine years. So I took to meetup.com to see if there were any groups that I could get into and I found a few that I signed up for. That’s how I found out about my town’s dragon boating club. It’s also how I found a hiking group and a hiking buddy that I’m going backpacking with next weekend - so stoked! As for the picture, I don’t have any of our boats because I’m not much of a picture taker, so I’ll have to get back to you on that. Anyway, don’t worry if you want to be active and social, but aren’t feeling it yet. I was the same way for quite a while and I remember bitching about it over at MWO - the fact that I pretty much did nothing outside of work, made no effort to meet people, and couldn’t get myself to try. At the time, people told me to relax about it because that's probably just what I needed to be doing in early sobriety and you know what? They were right! I naturally moved from hiding away in my living room whenever I wasn't at work, to wanting to branch out a little bit, to now being out and about almost every evening/weekend day after work. Whatever your natural inclination is socially, it will reveal itself when you've moved far enough away from the depression and drinking.

And what a relief that Ed got off with the minimum! Congrats! Although I do have to contest your statement about expensive lawyers. I paid $2500 for mine and he was even known around town as the “the DWI guy,” and yet I still got the maximum allowable sentence under the law outside of jail time (which common knowledge has it NEVER happens on a first offense unless you’ve killed someone). The stupid bastard thought it would be good for me and help straighten me out to be on probation for three years. Well, it didn’t. Baclofen straightened me out when I finally got on it. Being on probation as an active, physically dependent alcoholic was torture! Every two weeks (and eventually every month, once I was deemed “low risk”) I had to go into my probation appointment and get breathalyzed with the threat of going to jail if I blew numbers. I had to stop drinking a day in advance through sheer force of will and rely on the 2 mg ativan I was prescribed for panic attacks to keep me from being in obvious withdrawal when I walked into my appointments. Did that stop me from drinking the second I was done with my appointment? Not at all. Thanks lawyer for putting me through that. I have seen the light! Dick. OK, now I’m the one that’s making your post about me. Sorry! Anyway, I’m sending you many good study vibes. You can do it!

Nicnak - My thoughts are with you for Monday. I hope you can manage to find some moments of peace between now and then. It’s always so much worse before you know what you’re dealing with. And I can’t watch those tv ads with animals being abused, either. They’re supposed to be horrible and tug at the heart strings. I don’t think it’s ever a bad thing to have a big heart, and I don’t think it’s at all incompatible with being assertive - you just need to have a big heart for yourself, as well as for others. Anyway, I’m sorry you’re feeling so vulnerable right now. Hang in there.

Edited by Lostinspace
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Happy Monday morning, y'all! Guess who woke up at 5:45am without an alarm. Yep. It was me. I can't tell you how happy it made me to get up early to start my day. My goal is to wake up at 5am every morning. (We go to bed around 9pm, so that's plenty of sleep.) I used to get up between 4 and 5am, for several years when I was sober, and I miss those quiet morning hours desperately. 

Lis, I'm going to check out Meetup! Great suggestion!! Not that I'm ready, yet, but it may give me some fresh ideas and something to look forward to. I also have a group of friends that I have basically been ignoring, despite their best efforts to get me to come out and play--or at least call or email or something. I just got a text from the youngest, who's turning 40 this year, and she wants to go out and commiserate/celebrate. I am going to do it, no matter how I feel. 

Part of it, for me, is definitely not knowing where I'll be in the evenings, because I hadn't stopped craving and drinking yet. That's changed. I'm still not indifferent, but booze isn't ruling my life. 

That is unbelievable about your lawyer. The tough love approach from someone you're paying? Infuriating. And 3 years of probation??? Unbelievable. So sorry. It should be about over by now, though, right? 

MJM, SO GREAT about your experience with booze. YAY! God, I can't wait to get there. I'm sorry about your wife. That is really frustrating. I read your post yesterday afternoon and thought, "Oh, I remember how bad that was" (meaning 5 years ago when my husband was still drinking and I wasn't). Then last night he got drunk/stoned and we had an argument that I doubt he even remembers today. And it was about the DUI and the fact that he said he won't stop speeding and how I feel like I can't trust him to take care of himself (and me, by proxy) by making sure he doesn't get any more traffic violations. I really opened up to him, before I realized that he was drunk, and he got really, really angry. <sigh> It was pretty motivating in terms of being sober, though. So at least there was that! Is your wife one of us, or was she just tying one on because you were on vacation? 

 

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So went to court today and didn't even get a verdict yet.Judge was confused about my husband saying that zoplicone might have contributed to his driving so now they want a letter from his doctor or someone who knows about zoplicone to write a letter saying it can cause drowsiness.

So we are back again in 18th August.....and so it goes on 

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Aaaaargh. So sorry, Nicnak. On the other hand, it could work out to your benefit, right? And at least he's free to drive for another month...

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No,his bail terms mean he can't drive but I'm happy with that,at least that's one thing I don't have worry about.

We live in quite a big town just outside of London and transport is very good.And because of his disability he qualifies for a freedom pass which is what people get in the uk when they are pensioners and gives people free travel on buses/tubes and trains ,so getting about wont be a problem for him

 

 

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