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The End of my Addiction

Checking in--August 2016


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Sounds like a great night Bacman.....not haha but at least you feel accomplished about the door.

Well I got the results of my online blood tests today and all are in the normal range so that's a bit of a relief 

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I had an interesting experience today. I started a new job a little over 3 weeks ago. I work for a city agency. Today I went "shopping" for a desk and shelves for my office. We were shopping at t

AF day 4 - man it feels good! Happier, sharper, the grey cloud of apathy and listlessness is gone. Blue skies and the beautiful late summer sun as I head down to the civic center to indict more h

Sounds like a great night Bacman.....not haha but at least you feel accomplished about the door. Well I got the results of my online blood tests today and all are in the normal range so that's a

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Baclofenman
6 hours ago, Nicnak said:

Sounds like a great night Bacman.....not haha but at least you feel accomplished about the door.

Well I got the results of my online blood tests today and all are in the normal range so that's a bit of a relief 

Yes Nicnak, there was some good things to come out of the day after all

Congrats on your results, must take some of the weight off your mind

Regards

 

Bacman

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Lostinspace

Hey all. I’m back from my family reunion. Thanks so much for the kind words. I really appreciate it. And you’re right, Jetsman, I will qualify for unemployment after the four weeks is over based on how they phrased it - they even told me that if I don’t find a job by the time I’m done working there, that I could apply for unemployment. They want me gone, but I don’t think they mean any ill will towards me, given that they know I work hard and try my best. I think I just might take you up on that offer for resume help, and especially finding contact people if you know of any. I’ll message you when I get a little more time (I have to go into the job that doesn’t want me anymore very soon - ugh!).  

Stuck, my dear - I’m so, so sorry about the breakup. I know you really cared for her. I wish I had the right words for you, as well. Be kind to yourself and, instead of thinking about a wasted week, think of what you can do today to feel better and start the healing process - maybe try getting together with a friend who’s willing to listen, or a friend who you know will take your mind off things and allow you to connect with someone on a different level. Hang in there, my friend. You will get through this :hug:

Chuck - I’m sorry you didn’t get a response from the one you love. No response can sometimes be worse than a bad response because at least then you know where you stand. I hope things turn out better when you try again in a few weeks. Don’t give up just yet.

Sorry I don’t have time to respond to everyone. I will try to check back in tonight in between applying for jobs and leaving for ladies’ horror night (I got an invite from some women in one of my meetup groups. Hell yes I want to take my mind off everything with some unrealistic nonsense!). Anyway, I hope it’s a good one for everyone out there!

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Lis, what on earth is a Ladies' Horror Night? That sounds awesome. The meetup groups around here are not my thing, or perhaps I'm just not ready yet. But there certainly isn't anything like dragon boating. 

I am truly sorry about your job, but really glad that you'll be leaving on good terms. I hope what I'm about to say doesn't come out wrong... When I was a boss-type-person, and had to let someone go, or wanted to, I found it incredibly difficult. My dad told me that it was better for the person who didn't fit the bill to move on and find something that they were good at, or excited about, or was a better fit. This change may be a positive one. I'm hoping so. 

I wish I could say that about all the jobs I've been fired from, but those were mostly related to not actually going to work because booze. I've never had a job I liked. I used to think it was "them" but after 20+ years of adulthood I'm pretty sure it's me. *sigh* 

Chuck, I'm really sorry about your unrequited feelings, and like someone else said, it's almost easier to have your heart cleanly broken rather than not hearing anything at all. Have you been dating? Are you thinking about it? Or is this guy the one and only? Good luck with the jury duty! 

Stuck, hang in there. One day at a time and all that. 

Bacman, a seedy bar full of 21 year olds? Lord give me strength! The only thing I can think of that would be as demanding would be to have to entertain 9 kids, like @MJM did.

@Jetsman32,  that was really, really sweet of you. I hope you guys can connect! 

Just realized that today is August. We need a new thread! 

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Baclofenman

D'oh

A new month and the same shitty weather here I am afraid!! - You can tell we are in the middle of the Cricket season - (lol at the Americans saying wtf is Cricket)

Good news, My Mum and Dad have had the door replaced and have collated their losses for the insurance company, which is a weight off their minds

Talking about weight, not only am i 213 days, 15 hours, 58 minutes and 13 seconds AF but during that time I have lost 5 Stone, or 31 Kilos, 71 cans of baked beans - I even fit into a suit I have not worn for 7 or 8 years - I do not wear a suit much as I feel uncomfortable in one but tomorrow I have a meeting so I am going to get "suited and booted" which will make me feel good about myself

Football season starts next week, so that is my Saturdays sorted - COYI

Pianna is taking the kids away for the weekend so I have a peaceful on lined up - Which will be nice, they are off school at the moment, driving me and themselves mad - I can do most of my work from home so during the holidays I tend to be "the responsible adult" - It is quite nice that way as we do at least a day trip (Zoo Cinema Bowling etc) once a week

Oh - And forgetfulness - I did it again, went to B&Q (Diy store), got all my stuff in my trolley, went to pay and realised no f'ing wallet - God did I swear (my whole repertoire) - Had to drive 45 mins there and back home to get it!! - Still fuming

 

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StuckinLA

@Baclofenman that is awesome about the weight loss and, especially, the AF time. Fitting into old clothes is great, as is getting new clothes (I hear). I haven't bought new clothes in freaking years, and it's really about time to burn everything and start over.

I have nothing to add about the job, @Lostinspace. My last job before graduate school, man I went out on bad terms and really regret it. 

Everybody else, keep on keeping on. As for me, well, a little hungover but having my morning coffee and smoking my morning cigarettes and figuring out another day. I'm working on perfecting a note to my student, good stationary and typing it up on my typewriter. I forgot how difficult it is to line everything up and center her name on the envelope and all that, but it's also fun and definitely worth it. Did I mention she's a Pilates instructor? I googled her name last night, trying to find out if she's married or whatever, and turns out she is also an actress. Yes, she has been in a movie or two and a TV show. Out. Of. My. League. Good times.

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Baclofenman

Thanks Stuckers - You are a good old boy - I had got rid of a lot of stuff mind, but my suits were expensive so the tight arse in me hoped one day I might fit in them again

Regards

 

Bacman

 

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SKendall

Bac, great job on the weight loss, I think you'll enjoy being in a suit again.  I love being a girly girl wearing lippy and perfume.  Because of my foot surgery, my feet are different sizes, so expensive to buy 2 pairs, and still hard then because my good foot is narrow and the metal one is wide.  I wear crocs mostly but I have  2 expensive alternates when needed.

LIS, I didn't read the details of your job, but will go back and read.

I'm officially in escrow today.  Husband wants me to pay half of his credit card debt ($25,000) on a card I've never had access to.  BWAHAHAHA!

Stuck, always thinking of you.

 

 

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I had an interesting experience today.

I started a new job a little over 3 weeks ago. I work for a city agency. Today I went "shopping" for a desk and shelves for my office. We were shopping at the old city mental health crisis center. It has been closed and moved, and the old building is going to be auctioned and probably razed. Anyway, I was touring the building with a coworker and the building manager. We went through a number of offices, checking out the furniture and laying claim to the stuff we wanted. And then the building manager opened a locked door, and we were there. In the corridors of the old mental ward. Where I spent several days in 2005 after an overdose and again for at least a week in 2007, after a suicide attempt and a Board of Mental Health hold (I was labeled "Mentally Ill and Dangerous" in the court paperwork). My coworker said "This looks like a hospital." I replied, "It was. It was the old city mental ward." She asked, "Have you been in here before?" (I am sure she meant in social service positions, but still.) I must have paused a second before I lied and said "Uh, no." I could have pointed out the rooms I had stayed in. It was TRIPPY. Especially now that is cleared out and abandoned. It was like taking a little field trip through some of the darkest times in my past and pretending I didn't recognize it.

Don't get me wrong, it didn't upset me or anything, it was just crazy weird and it reminded me of how far I've come. :)

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StuckinLA

Good to read warning labels every once in a while. Turns out the power cord to my portable a/c apparently has some kind of shield inside the outer shell, which is UNGROUNDED. So last night when I found my rabbit had chewed through quite a bit of the cable, and just wrapped the whole thing with electrical tape, it's a good thing I didn't plug it back in and turn it on. Oh, and my rabbit damn near fried himself. So now I guess I need to find a repair shop or something. A new portable a/c is f**king $400. And now to figure out what to do with the stupid rabbit. He simply cannot come out of the cage anymore, which sucks 'cause I feel like he'll be unhappy stuck in there all the time. 

There is a little fence that we've never used here, but the girl used it at her old place and brought it with and then left it here out back where we (now I) keep all the hay. Now to figure out how to move a bunch of books and bookshelf around and move the cage (it's really big) out to the living room and move the dining table into the kitchen and set up the fence and oh who am I kidding, I don't have the energy for this.

@Felina walking through abandoned buildings is always trippy. Amazing and sometimes just odd to see what's left behind when people leave a place for the last time. Your story, though, man that's over the top. So glad it didn't upset you, and you have come a long way!

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StuckinLA

Tin foil is a great tip, @Anne12, thanks. There's just so much that he chews. I've already bought hangers and all kinds of things so most of the cables and cords and whatnot are elevated, but everyday it seems there's something else. He chews through books on my shelves, power cords, everything. I still let him out today for a little bit, though. Now I have to get him back to his cage... every tried to catch a rabbit who doesn't really trust you?

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Hey all,

Just a quick check-in here (I'm still alive, just)

@Baclofenman great about the AF time and also the suit! My mum bought me a Gucci suit (from a second-hand shop, I'm sure. She always used to say, 'A friend's [son, whoever] didn't fit [want] this so I bought it from her.' I am almost ready to slip back into that suit, albeit from smoking and not eating rather than a decent stretch of AF time. I'm jealous!

@Lostinspace I am so sorry to hear about you losing your job! Yet what makes me really happy is to see how stoic you are about it. I remember when you were hoping to get this job how unsure you were that you could do it. Sounds like you did well - very well - only they had to let people go. You are much stronger, and I can see it. Not happy for the job loss, but happy for you. Make sense?

 

I'm sorry I haven't responded to everyone else. Promise to catch-up properly soon.

 

 

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Mom2JTx3

@StuckinLA someone over on MWO was asking about you.  Wu1969.  I posted for them to check over here.  ?

Hi to all, I always keep up with this thread, even though you can't tell due to my lack of posting. ?  We just got back from Hilton Head.  My favorite east coast beach town.

Mom2

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Hey everyone -

Greetings from the Fire Island Pines, one of my favorite places (and the liquor industry's as well, haha). So I have been empaneled on a month-long Federal Grand Jury in lower Manhattan. I was sad at first, I had just finished up some coursework in late July and was planning to launch a new career, and I approached the bench during voir dire and explained that I had been an alcoholic for six years and was finally in a position to start an employed, sober, life but the Judge did not agree that this constituted "undue hardship". I was holding back tears a little bit but then I thought it would be good for me to have some structure and meet some new people and maybe make some new connections, so I'm cool with it. Also Grand Jury is easy - as the saying goes a Grand Jury will indict a ham sandwich, haha. And we get paid. So, all in all not too bad. And a friend said he had a cancellation at his Fire Island share house so when I heard about that I jumped on the next train.

Yesterday was my 35th birthday. I received a lovely card from my aunt who I'm close with and a voicemail from my parents which I haven't listened to yet (no point in explaining that now). There is no real "feeling" to being 35, I just feel happy looking back on my prior unstable, unsure life and realizing how much better I am now. And I've only had two drinks per day Fri, Sat, and Sun, which says a TON - on Fire Island alcohol is the second most-consumed substance after oxygen. I took a Dextromethorphan (DXM) trip last night and while it wasn't the best, it gave me my bi-monthly boost of inner peace and euphoria that will keep me on track. I haven't mentioned much about DXM because this forum is geared towards the other meds, but it has worked wonders for me and it could really help anyone - it's a euphoric, dissociative and psychedelic drug depending on dose but the main way I would describe its long-term effects (it's very neuroplastic) is a "purifier" and "empowerer" - during the trip you can do amazing mind work and really figure out what's going on inside your head and what you really want, it boosts self-awareness - that's how it was so instrumental in helping reduce my drinking - it allowed me to access the underlying causes and triggers for my drinking and move them over to a more cognitive, malleable space. If anyone ever wants to know more, don't hesitate to message me, as you can tell I love talking about it.

So now I have the back half of summer ahead of me - and to be honest my drinking had crept up quite a bit over the course of July. But I think being on the jury will help, and also now I've gotten back to the gym. Whether not I go to the gym is and has always been the first step in the virtuous or vicious cycle - I enjoy working out, and when I go, I get the endorphin boost and I eat more healthily and I don't have much desire to drink. When I stop going, I feel lazy and slobby and so I feel what's the point of holding off the take-out and booze and all hell breaks loose.

It seems many of us have had a rather trying summer, but hardships are part of life and surviving and building from them is what's important (not that I'm saying its easy), and when you do get through a hardship - THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! - remember to congratulate yourself, out loud, several times - don't worry about talking to yourself being weird - positive self-talk is an extraordinarily powerful tool!

It's almost time for me to run and catch the ferry, but I wish everyone the best and while electronics aren't allowed in the courthouse, I'll try to check in and post in the evenings and weekends.

Best wishes and talk to you soon,

Chuck

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Baclofenman
On 04/08/2016 at 0:55 PM, MJM said:

@Baclofenman great about the AF time and also the suit! My mum bought me a Gucci suit (from a second-hand shop, I'm sure. She always used to say, 'A friend's [son, whoever] didn't fit [want] this so I bought it from her.' I am almost ready to slip back into that suit, albeit from smoking and not eating rather than a decent stretch of AF time. I'm jealous!

Hi MJM

I am sure you will reach your goal - I popped out today for a new supply on smaller shirts - I was fed up waling around looking like I was wearing "someone else's clothes" which was a nice (but expensive) experience

Apart from this, I cut the grass and fitted a new bit of glass in my newly refurbished front door, which was nice...

Am definitely finding 218 days in, I have so much more energy for doing the things that, quite frankly before abstinence i would have "done tomorrow" - Still setting myself targets and it is great to cross them off at the end of every day

Long may it last

Regards

 

Bacman

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StuckinLA

A week into August. Hope the month is starting off better for you all than it is here. But I'm sober today, and I am going to count days - especially before the baclofen arrives, which should be early this next week. I hope. Cause I need the help. And honestly I need to sort out my insurance and find a primary care doctor, get a checkup and blood work and all that. I'm kind of afraid, honestly. Probably wait a couple weeks, when my blood pressure will be back to normal.

Anyway, just thought I'd drop in. @Baclofenman things sound great over there. Keep it up, you're really taking control of things and congrats on the 218 - that's seriously impresive.

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I hear you Stuck, doctor visits always scared me. Not the results of the tests (I knew those would be bad) but the narrow-minded finger-wagging from the doctors. They really rub it in your face. Which is especially appalling considering they're going with the disease theory of addiction. They seem to delight in making you feel bad about your disease. Congratulations on being sober today! That's a great accomplishment. Shop around for docs - if you don't like the first one, move on - trust your instincts. Best wishes ~CB

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Hulllooooooo!

Sorry to have been AWOL. I didn't go to my parents. I have been working around the house (participating!) and studying! Worried that if I got online that I would be derailed and spend all day here and on MWO and possibly even Reddit, since I really want to check out those sites. If I don't stay focused on studying, though, I won't do it. It's excruciatingly hard to make myself sit for hours and focus...

Glad you're back, Lis. Did you catch up with Jetsman offline for help with your resume and contacts? 

@SKendall, I seriously hope that you were laughing because your ex-husband is insane to think that you would help him pay off his debt. Right? Glad you're sober and dealing with all of this. Very excited for you and can't wait to hear about the next chapter in your life. 

@StuckinLA, I know how you feel about the bunny. That's the way the husky was when she was a puppy. Actually, she's still like that, dammit. Just this week she chewed up my chapstick. But in her first 6 months, she got my sunglasses, my retainer, baclofen (!!!) and so much more. We went through 3 remote controls, before we learned to put them away. We would 'puppy proof' everything, and she was never out of the crate unless we were home, but she still got all that stuff. Not to make this about me. I feel your pain. 

The book you linked looks very interesting. I don't have it in me to read anything right now. Will you get it when it comes out and give a synopsis? 

I hope you're hanging in there and focused on the goal! 

@Chuck, how are you feeling about your love life? That's pretty wild that you're on a Grand Jury. Is it a juicy one? I am almost 47 years old and I've never been called for jury duty. Weird, isn't it? I'd be a terrible juror, though. I'm a complete sucker and believe everything anyone tells me. Not to mention that I would probably cry if it was a serious matter. Not to mention I abhor our judicial system and would have a very hard time sentencing anyone to anything. My dad was almost selected for a jury in a case where the defendant had raped and brutally murdered a nun. He grew up Catholic, so they recused him, thank goodness. 

Isn't Fire Island the gay mecca from the disco era? Perhaps it is, still? 

Bacman, congratulations on the milestones! It's an inspiration for sure. I've lost some lbs, too. Not enough to make a difference in clothing size, unfortunately. I have a very  limited selection of clothes in the size I'm wearing now and I refuse to buy more clothes. 

@Felina, WOW! That must have been surreal. I sometimes think about applying for a job at the detox I went to before I went to rehab the last time. I can't decide if it would make me crazy, to see how people with addiction are treated. My memories of it aren't bad, though. It's just a place for medical oversight that most people have to go through before they go to IOP, or residential treatment. (Or back to the street or the psych ward...) If someone found out that I'd been through that detox, it could have some serious repercussions. I'm not sure. Either way, it would be more interesting and ironically, more involved with the patients, than a psych ward. In contemporary psych wards, the nurses are simply pill-pushers and they literally stay behind the desk and have very little direct contact with the patients, unless they need meds. The nursing assistants do all the patient contact care, and security guards. Isn't that weird? Definitely not my future. 

Who'd I miss? 

Thanks for asking about me, Nicnak. Haven't you had the meeting with the...(lawyer?) to find out what's likely to happen on the 11th? How'd it go? 

Back to the books (or rather online videos) for me. Be back later or tomorrow! 

:75_EmoticonsHDcom:

 

 

 

 

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@Baclofenman, I forgot to congratulate you on your 222 days! WOW! That is magificent. Congratulations.

Ugh, my love life... or lack thereof, how to describe. First of all I'm an introvert and I like spending a lot of solo time and I'm very happy being single. I never am really "looking for a boyfriend", the ones I've had I've met just by being at the right place at the right time. But now I'm 35 and I do want long-term companionship - someone to come home to - and to adopt kids. So the clock's a-tickin'. But dating in NYC, homo/hetero/whatever, SUCKS. Seriously. Everyone is so distracted and overscheduled and just basically wants everything. New Yorkers often forget there are only 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Everyone's always looking over their shoulder for something "better", be it a person, a job, or a restaurant. Dating here is like pulling teeth. You can have a great first date, but then the guy's busy for the next like 2+ weeks and then has travel plans and so by the time you can schedule a second date, the flame has dwindled. I guess it would be easier if I were a more patient person, but I'm not. Plus I don't really like the gay scene, the bars etc. But, recently I've learned to be more outgoing and to inure myself to any fear of rejection, so, while the pace may be slow, I'm on it. Thanks for the enouragement :-) Yes, Fire Island is the gay mecca from the disco era, but the AIDS crisis effectively culled that so now while it's still definitely not a Victorian place, it's a lot more tame.

Grand Jury duty is going smoothly - we've indicted everyone presented to us. The only other time I served on a jury it was a petit (trial) jury for a simple DUI case, but both the defense and prosecution did a terrible job so we deliberated for three days on whether the paltry evidence proved anything beyond a reasonable doubt, and it was torturous - we ended up only finding a verdict on two of the three counts. Still, both this and that time have been a rewarding experience.

Good night everyone and talk soon! ~Chuck

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StuckinLA

Don't be a creep, Stuck. Don't be a creep, Stuck. Don't be a creep, Stuck. You did a really good job on Sunday, not giving your dumb sappy little note to the hot actress pilates instructor. You just kept it right there in your bag and brought it home and didn't say or do anything stupid.

That was really good and strong of you.

But now the grand Universe has decided to test you once more, so it's time to man up, stay the f**k quiet, and don't be a creep.

I know, the hot actress pilates instructor just emailed to thank you for the class, to say how much she enjoyed all the real-world political things you talked about. And how she would even like to audit a class of yours for no credit this fall if you were teaching something, anything, even basic writing, before she graduates this fall.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, Stuck, don't email her back. Or just say "thanks" or whatever. Just STFU and please, I beg you, plead with you, don't do anything stupid.

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Do you know for a fact that she's not into you? If she's graduating this fall anyway, what do you have to lose?

Five years ago I held back from expressing my feelings to the love of my life that I've mentioned somewhere in here. That's when my drinking started going off the deep end, and so I lost touch with him and all my other friends from back then. Who knows what he would have said. But the fact that I didn't have the guts, and now there's hardly any way I can reconnect, is something I've spent the past five years regretting.

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Morning, y'all. 

I hope that you weren't a creep, Stuck! Even if she IS into you...

Dating can be a real struggle. I don't think it's just NYC, Chuck, though I can only imagine what it's like there with everyone trying harder to be the busiest. It's just tough to find the right person... It's my experience that it's when you're not looking, when you're perfectly comfortable all by yourself, is exactly when Mr. Right shows up and throws the whole thing topsy turvy! Ha! I thought Ed was going to be a fling. He lived in Seattle, and I lived in Baltimore. He was home for Christmas when we met. He moved back east, and in with me, in April. I had NO interest in finding a significant other when we met. It totally messed up my plans! 

I haven't been around much. My anxiety is off the charts, especially this morning. But I think in general, too. 

I realized on my walk this morning that my life did not start to change, really change, until I was completely contentedly abstinent. Don't get me wrong, I was already taking action and moving toward really embracing life, but the big WHAM! of beautiful things only happened when I was free and happy about it. I wonder if it will be the same when I'm free and not happy about it?

I'll post about all my stuff on my thread, at some point. But wanted to say hi and see what everyone is up to. @Nicnak, Do you know what's going to happen tomorrow? 

Where the hell is everybody else? 

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Not been posting for a while as very busy, but have been dropping in to keep up to date with everyone.

At the end of my week's holiday, on Friday, I did a return trip to Butlins Skegness (about 90 mins each way), to help middle son get his 4 children & everything they needed for a week in a caravan. Even with a people carrier, there's a lot you need for a whole week self catering. UK people will know what Butlins is. Suffice it to say, I'm not sorry I wasn't going with them!

Then on the Saturday my oldest son & 5 year old grandson came over to camp out in my field - photos attached, though we didn't share the one with him using the axe with DIL.  We had a BBQ, lit the campfire & collected wood from under the trees, then once it got dark me & Charliedog left them to sleep in the tent, & we retired to bed in the house. I know, but I'm too old to sleep on the bare ground! I don't know what Charlie's excuse was, but I gave her the option to stay out with them......

Son had a couple of beers, he brought a bottle of Prosecco fro me, but I only had half a plastic beaker full, just to show willing. Time was when that bottle would have vanished within 15 mins, & I would be looking for the next one. It was a brilliant evening, perfect weather, wonderful sunset.

Then back to work Monday, predictably a lot of catching up to do, needed an extra 3 hours yesterday on what should have been a day off.

Another hot weekend predicted for the UK at the end of this week. That will make about 3 weeks in total of good weather over the whole summer. Pretty much par for the course here.

Camping 5.jpg

Camping 4.jpg

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Camping 3.jpg

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