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The End of my Addiction

Checking in--August 2016


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StuckinLA

@Molly78 that sounds like a wonderful time - the photos should be larger than life for that kind of evening.

@Nicnak sorry to hear about the probation meeting. Fingers crossed.

@Ne1 I haven't been a creep yet. Also haven't responded to that email yet. ;) Sorry about your anxiety. I'm there with you these days.

The insomnia has been strong the last couple nights. Last night was bad with the added bonus of a wake-up-mid-death-panic that took a few minutes before I could even sort out the fact that no, it wasn't the grim reaper stealing my soul, but just another damned withdrawal sleep symptom that I've been through plenty of times before. Anyway I am pretty much worn ragged at this point, kind of zombified all day. Tried to nap, even, still nothing. 

Am getting to watch plenty of fucking tv, though, since there's nothing but time and I can't focus enough to read. Well, whatevs. Still no sign of the pills shipment. Not that big of a deal, I'm not worried about drinking today. I did pay for the damned pills though, so it would be nice to receive them.

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23 minutes ago, Nicnak said:

He saw probation officer today but his court case is in the 18th.but probation officer said he's probably going to prison 

Nicnak, very sorry to hear that! I don't know the details, but can't believe you would get a prison sentence for an accident in which no one was hurt, however high your blood alcohol levels were.

Fingers crossed probation officer is wrong!

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Baclofenman

Hi All

@Molly78

Molls, what lovely pictures, glad the weekend forecast is good, I am off Friday so we are all going away for a couple of days - The Pianna is off with the kids for a week, Saturday week - My list of stuff to do is getting longer!!

@Nicnak

Nicnak, my best wishes for the 18th, as Molly suggested this is a weird one

@StuckinLA

Stuckers, dear fella, how many days is it now AF? - I am sure it must feel, well shitty at the moment but you are days ahead of where you were days ago and you are only days away from feeling better - You have done the most difficult thing (starting) - What are you watching? anything specific or any random shit to take your mind off stuff? - When I started Pianna was away so I watched 4 (or 5?) series of Revenge - God it was shit but the hours/days just flew by

@Ne1

Babe, do not worry about what might happen - Being sober brings issues of its own, do not worry about them until they happen - Your outlook will be different then, so any preconceived ideas you formulate now will mean, - fuck all then really

Unconditional Love

You know, my eldest daughter can be a right cow to her younger brother, Spud - Today, he ran into the house crying as she had hit him (kiddie style) - I gave him a cuddle and within a minute he had stopped and was running back into the garden, shouting her name, wanting to play - A very moving moment

Talking of moving moments, UK viewers ITV 21.00 - Long Lost Family - Stand by the Kleenex

Regards

 

Bacman

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StuckinLA
7 minutes ago, Baclofenman said:

 

@StuckinLA

Stuckers, dear fella, how many days is it now AF? - I am sure it must feel, well shitty at the moment but you are days ahead of where you were days ago and you are only days away from feeling better - You have done the most difficult thing (starting) - What are you watching? anything specific or any random shit to take your mind off stuff? - When I started Pianna was away so I watched 4 (or 5?) series of Revenge - God it was shit but the hours/days just flew by

Today is Day 4. So thing are peaking right about now and I was very shaky last night and very shaky right now. And I'm anxious, and my head feels all fucked up. This all is of course complicated by the fact that I am exhausted. Truly. Haven't slept much at all since probably Friday night - the last time I was truly drunk (Saturday I drank during the morning and then had only 2 beers at night). Exhaustion doesn't mean I'm able to sleep though. 

And one of my cats learned a new trick. He is now able to sit next to me in bed and stick out one little paw and pull the bedsheet down off my shoulder with one of his claws. He did that repeatedly while I was trying to sleep in this morning. That was fun.

As for TV, I've been watching Deadwood. Almost through the first season. For the most part I pull it up on my xbox so I can watch on the TV while I'm in bed, but last night I decided I'd watch at least one episode or two on the laptop at my desk, so I can at the same time practice rolling cigarettes. I'm not out of smokes, mind you, I just sat and rolled 15 or so out of my can of tobacco. Then broke them all apart and poured the tobacco back into the can. Going to do that again tonight I think, and just keep practicing until I'm good at it. :)

 

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I just ordered some from Goldpharma on Monday and they were shipped yesterday (Tuesday),I'll let you know when mine come although I think they arrive in the uk quicker than the us 

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Hey all, congrats @StuckinLA and great photos @Molly78, especially the one of the sunset! I'm still down in the Civic Center all day indicting ham sandwiches, it's so frustrating not being able to bring my laptop and then coming home to a mountain of work. But the other jurors are very nice and the Federal courthouse staff are surprisingly friendly, in comparison to the obligatorily surly civil servants you meet at the State level.

I'm keeping the drinking to a minimum, I love Micheladas (the Mexican beer cocktail) and they taste good even with lite (4.2% ABV) beer, so that helps me cut the overall consumption. My Dextromethorphan group is gaining steam - fast. I'm so excited. We now have almost 40 dedicated members. I've decided against incorporating a nonprofit (way too much bureaucratic overhead for this stage) and just starting a fundraiser on GoFundMe or Crowdrise.

Random announcement - the Perseid meteor shower will peak tomorrow (thurs) night / fri morn and is supposed to be one of the most spectacular in years - up to 200 meteors per hour! Forecast for partly cloudy skies here, hopefully it'll be clearer where you are. I think these things, witnessing natural beauty, is very important for us types - the reminder is very soothing. Hope you'll have the chance to stay up late and enjoy it.

Talk to you soon! ~CB

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Molly, great pictures! So glad you shared 'em. Very cute that your son and grandson camped out. I remember doing that with my dad. Are you off of the steroids yet? I'm sure you'll be glad to be done with and all the associated side effects. 

Nic, I'm so sorry. That's really troubling, and even worse waiting for the final word about what is actually going to happen. Aaaargh. Fingers crossed that it's not overwhelming between now and then and that he gets a light sentence. I haven't had any trouble with MWO, but I also check in there just once a day. I don't have time to keep up with the Steppers and there isn't anything (positive) going on in the Meds sections, though I did see that Cassander posted and was happy about his participation there.  

20 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

The insomnia has been strong the last couple nights. Last night was bad with the added bonus of a wake-up-mid-death-panic...

I woke up the other night obsessing about an issue that really isn't an issue, especially compared to all the really important and stressful things going on in our lives. I made up a whole story to go along with my obsession, including a phone call that never happened and results that are completely improbable, and almost impossible. It was related to the identity theft, which I've taken care of and so really don't need to worry about it. That's not my point, though. It's the fact that I made up a realistic story line, that completely freaked me out in the middle of the night. Not a panic attack, but something akin to it. I feel your pain, brother. Keep on, though. :hug: Hope your meds come soon. 

17 hours ago, Baclofenman said:

 

@Ne1

Babe, do not worry about what might happen - Being sober brings issues of its own, do not worry about them until they happen - Your outlook will be different then, so any preconceived ideas you formulate now will mean, - fuck all then really

Unconditional Love

I don't know how I've been so lucky with the support I have and the friendships I've made from an anonymous online forum for drunks like me. Thank you so much, Bacman. And you're right about the fact that everything changes for the better without alcohol fogging up the glass of perception. 

12 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

Just emailed the student back, and was not creepy and did not do anything stupid. I declare this a successful day.

Congratulations! ;) 

Chuck, the Grand Jury actually sounds fascinating. Can you tell us anything about the case? Of course you can't. Doesn't mean I'm not dying to know the gritty details, though. I looked up DMX finally. No wonder cough syrup makes my husband crazy! In our 16 years together, he's only taken cough syrup once and he completely lost the plot. I don't remember now what happened, but it was scary and strange enough that he avoids it. Are you trying to get a group like this one going for DMX? I'm not sure I get the goal. 

Hope you can see the meteor shower, through all the NYC lights. I am never up late enough to watch these things happen. 

I had a great night out with some girlfriends last night. We met at 6 and stayed until after the restaurant closed at about 10:30 pm! SO nice to catch up with them. (They don't really drink, either, so doubly nice, you know?) When I was depressed, I couldn't see or talk to them, despite my best intentions and their repeated attempts. Even yesterday afternoon I had to make myself get ready and plan on actually meeting them. Without the liquid courage of some booze beforehand! But I actually did my hair and put on makeup, and even got there on time! Woohooooo! ;)

Gotta go study now. Bacinabit!

(Where's @SKendall, @DunDrinkn, @Lostinspace? And who am I missing? You know who has been missing for a long time, is @Mentium...)

 

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SKendall

Hi all.  Good job Ne and Stuck.

Well, the new chapter of my life includes Chron's.  It hit me fast and hard and was rushed to ER and I'm now on phlagyl and feeling better, but phlagyl has it's s.e.'s. I'm going to clinic tomorrow to get a new CTscan for the growth on the lung.  The ER doc said I could not take any alcohol on this med and I smiled inside, because it wouldn't have even entered my mind.

The diet is so restrictive; no red meat or pork, no dairy, no fat and no any processed food or deli items and other stuff.  Last night I boiled Yukon gold potatoes and a bowl of peas and butter and it was surprisingly good.  I need a bowl of ice cream to keep my weight up, but I'd like some suggestions for sweet tooth times.

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Oh, no, SK! I'm sorry to hear it, but glad you got a diagnosis that will help. 

Haagen Dasz makes a really good gelato, which I'm pretty sure doesn't have any dairy or dairy byproducts. (Double check, though!) And they don't use any chemicals in their frozen treats. You might want to try faux-chocolate made with carob, too. You can find that at Trader Joes, Whole Foods or a health food store. Frozen fruit popsicles are one of my favorites right now. You have to find a kind that doesn't have high fructose corn syrups or food coloring in them, though. 

The one thing I know about restriction diets is that your taste buds will change pretty quickly. I've eliminated salt and sugar before. Other things become super-salty, or super-sweet.

On a completely different topic: It would be really nice if I could sleep through the night without obsessing about inconsequential crap. I don't even remember what it was last night, but I remember thinking to myself that whatever I was obsessing about (which all boils down to the fact that I'm a terrible person or have royally messed something up) isn't going to matter at all in the morning. Regardless, though, I woke up bright and early and happy. It's a nice start to the day. 

Hope you guys are having a good one, too. 

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One other thought about nutrition, SK. Essentially it's a vegan diet. I guess you could eat chicken breasts or low-fat fish, but for the other stuff you can stick to vegan products and there are many options for vegan foods that didn't used to exist. Even cheese that melts! Mind you, I haven't ever been vegan, and I don't know if the cheese is high in fat, but at least the fat won't be from animal sources. The good news is that you'll start to feel much better, soon, now that you have a diagnosis! I'm happy for you, even though the diagnosis is a tough one to hear. 

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StuckinLA

Thanks, @Nicnak. Yeah, I'm pretty sure mine got stopped up somewhere along the line. But they want you to wait until the very outside of their estimated shipping times (which is today, I think) before submitting a lost order. Which I will do.

More to say, not much going on, but still more to say ;) Will be back later.

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Pharmaceuticals coming from Germany (& Europe generally) seem to get through to the UK without any problems, except we sometimes have to pay customs charges. Apparently shipments to the US are often stopped. I don't know why this should be.

SK, sorry to hear about your health problems. Is this what we call Crohn's disease? The gut problem which gives you  diarrhoea & weight loss? US spelling is so weird you wouldn't think we speak the same language LOL!  wrt diet, all UK supermarkets now have a "Free from" section which has a selection of gluten & dairy free foods.  I'm gluten free, but there are some really yummy dairy free chocolate foods which I discovered incidentally eg raisins covered in plain chocolate. Delicious, & very high calorie - I have to ration them! Nearly all dark chocolate is dairy free AFAIK.

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Mom2JTx3

For those of you having trouble sleeping, @StuckinLA and @Ne1. Try unisom or doxylamine succinate, the active ingredient in unisom. I get mine at Costco.  It's labeled 'sleep aid' and is the Krkland brand.  I had terrible insomnia when I quit drinking, but that stuff put me right to sleep.  I'd take it with some valerian root and it's what worked for me when nothing else did.

mom2

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I had a week and blew it. Oh well. I'm now reaching the higher dose regime for Baclofen (230mg).

I have had constant lower back pain through the night through to around midday: I think, possibly, a Bac SE.

Insomnia has been my nocturnal companion too.

Yet I haven't given up. I won't give up.

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Thanks, y'all. Mine isn't really insomnia. I just wake up in the middle of the night with an obsession about something. I'm not even sure I'm totally awake. I tend to avoid sleep meds, but may try something that has been suggested on the Holistic Supplement thread if it keeps up. I don't know, though. Maybe it would take an actual sleep med to knock me out all night? If it keeps up, I'll have to try something. Last night was blissfully sound sleep. 

MJM, please don't beat yourself up. If you're going to count days, then perhaps you can count them non-consecutively? Like admire how many days you've had AF in the last month, instead of berating yourself for falling off the wagon. The key is to get right back on. I've struggled recently with the idea that since I've had one or two, I might as well get drunk, because it might be the last time. Such an addict's frame of mind! 

Also, I feel pretty strongly that the way to handle side effects is to actually DO something about them, rather than just live with it. Insomnia in particular! Sleep is SO important to general health and well being that it's vital to take action. IMHO. 

That's such a bummer Stuck! I hope the first shipment comes very soon, even if you do order more. 

Gotta run. Bacinabit. 

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StuckinLA

Lord I am still so tired. Had to get up early this morning to meet an independent study student (so, so awful, I never should have agreed to this). Of course I didn't get to sleep early, even though I read instead of watching TV before bed. I meant to take some benadryl, but forgot.

Aside from not sleeping, I'm doing OK with the AF time so far. No real cravings, not even that many passing thoughts. I'm still focused on writing right now, but it's not going that well the last couple days. And being so tired doesn't help the concentration. As for the meds, I don't even really care at the moment since the cravings aren't there. Still, I paid for this stuff so I want to have it. Plus, if the cravings do return I will need a backup.

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Mom2JTx3
9 hours ago, Molly78 said:

You can buy it as Nytol in the UK & yes it works - really zonks you, some people get hangovers the next day.

Yes, you need to leave enough time to sleep (take it early) and you can start with 1/2 a pill to see how it effects you.

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Thanks @Ne1, I shouldn't beat myself up. What is frustratiing is my habit now of staying up late, 12am - 1am (I used to go to bed at 10pm or so when drinking before) and so I feel wrecked the next day. It also sets back all the things I like or need to do because my brain is so fuzzy.

I fall asleep really easily but then wake several times in the night, often because of my sore back. I've tried Mersyndol but I felt so groggy the next day. Maybe I took it too late in the evening, can't remember (I was drunk).

The thing is, I been having vague thoughts of drinking the last few days. A friend of my wife's turned up last night with a bottle of champagne. I sat down and drank a soft drink. I then felt really uncomfortable being there, so went to the garage to have a cigarette. I could have snuck to the bedroom and read a book because they wouldn't have missed me. But I caved-in to the craving whisper.

I started exercising, made an appointment to see a psychologist, so I thought things were going well.

So I'll starting titrating up again, I guess. But I'm getting to really high doses now. 

Is there anything else I can do to beat the cravings, other than Bac and exercise? I'll try meditation. I have been practising mindfulness.

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"My shrink was right, God does hate me!"  - Jay Sherman, 'The Critic', early 90's

Anyone remember that show? It was hilarious.

Greetings from NYC where with humidity factored in it is a comfy 106°F / 41°C. Sorry for the delayed response, in addition to Grand Jury my modem/router is fried and I'm without internet. So I'm taking a gym day trip, using their a/c and wi-fi. I missed the meteor shower thurs night - skies too cloudy.

@Ne1 - yeah I can't really talk about the cases, but suffice it to say they've mostly been boring cases of drug rings and illegal weapons posession. The most interesting case was a tax fraud conspiracy in which the accused stole $160 million from the IRS. One thing I've learned - don't ever commit a Federal crime - you may think you're getting away with it at first, but when they start suspecting you man they do their homework, and when they're ready to bust you they have so much evidence that you'll 100% chance get indicted and you'll have virtually no chance defending yourself in trial. Stay out of trouble guys, lol. About the DXM - I actually used that as a means to get over my alcohol problem. Many others have used it too, to get over alcohol and opioid addiction, depression, and bi-polar depression. That's not to say it's perfect. It can be psychologically addictive, like cannabis, and some people I've met are straight-up junkies. The group I'm starting is dedicated to furthering awareness and developing DXM-based therapies. There's a lot of panic in the US because of sensationalized news reports of teens getting high on it. And yeah it has a stigma because of that. But my group hopes to counteract that stigma, working with researchers and doctors to develop therapies to show that when used properly, it's a miracle drug. Currently there is tons of research going into Ketamine, which is similar to DXM and showing tremendous promise in treating depression when used at sub-recreational doses. But DXM is less dissociative and longer-acting than Ketamine, meaning you can take a higher "recreational" dose, and stay semi-dissociated for a few hours, really performing work on yourself and getting to the root of your issues. For self-aware people, they could do this own their own, for less self-aware, they might need the guidance of a trained practitioner. As I remarked to my friend on Fire Island last weekend, it is a "privilege" to use DXM. It really is. It shows you yourself, the good and the bad, with complete objectivity. But because it's also euphoric, it heightens the highs while blunting the lows, allowing you to accept yourself. You have to train yourself to remember the trip (it causes anterograde amnesia), and in that and other ways it definitely has a learning curve. I tried it for the first time about ten years ago and didn't like it. It also has a non-linear response curve (it has different "plateaus" with different effects) and a long onset time (about 1 hour), meaning that many people take more than they should because they don't feel it kicking in. That's an essential part of our work - creating a sort of "beginners' guide" for both users and practitioners, teaching how to use the drug properly to achieve desired and positive effects. But when used properly, you exit the trip with no withdrawal or hangover, except for a strong antidepressant boost that we Dexers call "the afterglow". The afterglow lasts up to 18 hours, during which you don't feel drugged and have little-to-no interest in using other substances. Once you've trained yourself to remember the trip, you also remember the insights you came to, which combined with the afterglow empowers you to make major changes in your life. For someone who has spent years addicted to a substance, it can be a total game changer in just one or two trips. It's a miracle drug. I could go on and on talking about it. Message me if you have any questions!

@SKendall - I'm sorry to hear you have Crohn's. If a doctor mentions to you Humira (which he/she probably will), don't be afraid that it's an injectable - it's easy and quick and not very painful. I take it for my psoriasis, and it works wonderfully.

I know I've missed people - so sorry - I hate being a bad listener but my life is jam-packed with work and jury duty and now, lack of internet. Arrrrgh!

Talk to you soon, ~CB

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I can't believe how long it's been since I've checked in! Sorry, guys! I was working my way up from the bottom, trying to catch up with last week's posts. 

Chuck, that's really interesting about DMX. I look forward to finding out more about it. I remember my experiences with mushrooms very, very fondly. (It was another lifetime ago, so I'm not too uncomfortable about admitting it!) I get that you are not comparing run of the mill psychedelics with DXM. I guess my point is that I can see how having a dissociative experience could be enlightening and productive. 

Glad Grand Jury is over. My dad got in trouble with the IRS once when he owned several businesses. He has always said that you don't mess around with the IRS. I was young, but I still remember it, so it must have cost him dearly! HA! 

Ed and I are going to my parents' house this weekend. They're doing major deconstruction in preparation for a renovation and need Ed's young knees and muscles. The dog and I will be relegated to a different part of the house, so I expect to be able to study and catch up with all the stuff on here that I've missed. And of course, totally abstinent. 

My friend of a friend who tried to commit suicide is in rehab for 45 days, all paid for by insurance! Amazing. I never thought I'd see the day. She's moving from there to a halfway house so she can get her life in order. My friend has been taking care of cleaning up her messes while she's at rehab. He's more than a little bitter about it, even though he's trying to be supportive. He told me he'd like a 45-day vacation at a spa, too! And he's got a point. The place she's at is pretty swanky and has massage therapy and other relaxing therapies. In other news, he found out that her boyfriend, who has supposedly been separated from his wife, is not actually separated from his wife. He is now in a quandary about whether or not to tell. Ugly situations we get ourselves into when we're in the throes of desperate alcoholism. 

I am considering offering to go to meetings with her, but I don't think I'd be a very good influence at the moment. It's not just the fact that I'm not consistently abstinent. Ed went to a meeting and came home and described it for me. His thought on leaving was utter relief that he didn't have to buy into the hyperbole anymore. I think if I actually decide to pursue going to meetings I should do it on my own for a while. I keep thinking it would be good for me, if I could just shut up and listen and take away what I want and throw away what I don't. Conversely, it might be so frustrating that I can't stand it. We'll see. 

How's every one else? 

 

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Well 

my hubby had his court apperance today and been adjourned again till sept 5 so he can have a 3 week alcohol rehab thing and see how he responds to that,it's just delaying the inevitable and his barrister thinks he will get 12months.

The cousin and grandad of the girl he hit were there with me in the viewing area and  I told them how sorry I was.They were nice to me but they think he's the scum of the earth and quite rightly so.

Its in the local paper as it was supposed to be the sentencing day and it names him and where we live.So now everyone will know.Ive not told anyone but I suppose I will have to now.

 

 

Edited by Nicnak
Wrong number
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