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The End of my Addiction

Checking in--August 2016


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Oh for goodness' sakes, Nic. That's just awful. I'm so sorry on so many levels. I can't imagine having to witness the proceedings with the victim's family there. That must have been very difficult, and would have made me even more angry with my husband. Is that some sort of standard in the UK? That the families of both sides are in close quarters? That almost seems inhumane. For both parties! 

I hope that he gets some benefit from the rehab. I never accomplished long-lasting sobriety after rehab, but it was extremely helpful as a 'restart' of sorts. And definitely helped with some insight, and being on a regular schedule away from daily stressors. 

When you say 12 months, does that mean he will actually be in jail for that long? In the US system, someone might be sentenced to 12 months, but have some or all of the time suspended, depending on several factors. People also might be sentenced to 12 months, but offered parole before that, again depending on several factors. I don't think that anyone is ever given a sentence without one or both of those options. 

For instance, my husband was sentenced to a fine that was partially suspended, jail time that was totally suspended, a revoked license for a year, which was suspended and instead he has a restricted license for a year. If he messes up, with anything related to drinking or driving or not paying his bills related to the charges, then he will be held accountable for all of the things they suspended. (The full amount of the fines, jail time, revoked license, etc...) 

 

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He will get more (maximum is just over 2 years) but will serve about 12  but this is just the opinion of his barrister.

Yes it is standard that they all sit together,in fact any Tom,dick or Harry can watch the proceedings of a court room.

The rehab thing is not residential,just sort keeping an eye on him and then submitting a report.Its all just a waste of time if you ask me.

Emotially I'm done.I can't bare  what he's done and how people will think of him,even I think the same things myself.

He went to signpost last week for the first time which is the local alcohol and drug addictions place that I've been to myself and where they prescribed me Nalmefene but only after me asking about it and insisting that NICE say it can be prescribed.

Well they thought he had just gone there because he thought he was going to prison and they are probably right.They proceeded to tell him that he wasn't an alcoholic because he had a job and a mortgage and want at risk of withdrawal symptoms.You couldn't make it up!

But he is going back and is being put on a programme

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StuckinLA
5 hours ago, Nicnak said:

Its in the local paper as it was supposed to be the sentencing day and it names him and where we live.So now everyone will know.Ive not told anyone but I suppose I will have to now.

 

 

Ugh. My second one was in the paper - worst part was it was online in the paper's website, too. And google kept that shit cached for YEARS even after you couldn't get to the link through the paper anymore. For a long time, the first google result for my name was the fucking DUI notice. Good news is that even that goes away eventually. 

Everything else is about the same here. My days are running like water and slipping away as surely as they did while drinking. I guess the difference is that I have work to show for what I've been doing. Not as much as I would like, but there are pages with words on them. Still, writing is an awful way to spend your life. Time simply vanishes and suddenly it's like 3 or 4 in the afternoon and I'll realize I haven't showered or eaten or done really anything other than sit at the desk and smoke and drink oceans of coffee.

My online class got cancelled. Or, actually they had too few students but it's a required class so they weren't going to cancel it. But because there were only 3 students they were running it and paying 75% of the contract. Which is BS and I said I wouldn't do it. The program director got a little snippy with me over email, but hey I wasn't the one who tried to change the damned contract. I shouldn't turn down easy money, but it would only be like $1500 for 8 weeks and honestly giving me only a remedial online course was already insulting. Good news is that this frees me up all the way to the end of September when my main job starts. I have all this time to keep working, and then I have a full time course load for the whole year. 

Hope everyone else is doing well!

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Egad, Nic. That's so terrible. It will dissipate, though. There's always more drama to talk about and people will move on. (Like, say, the upcoming election in the US. I know you guys are probably holding your breath in anticipation, too, even though we're an ocean apart. Not that I think the US is the center of the universe, but holy moley, this election is going to be a doozy. I can only imagine the jokes that Europeans are making at our expense. Rightfully so!) 

I completely understand why and how you are emotionally spent. It took me awhile to get to that point with Ed. But I finally lost my temper one night (right after he got a ticket for a traffic violation) and I blasted him for being in complete denial, because in both cases (the DUI and the ticket) it "wasn't my fault." 

THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE that they turned him away because he wasn't alcoholic enough. I mean, isn't it apparent just based on what he did? AAAARGH. 

I used to idealize the British system of health care, because it's available for everyone and it seems like you can get excellent care, regardless of your income. But being on these forums for as long as I have, I've since decided that I like our system just fine. Granted, we have enough money to pay for good insurance, and enough money to pay for extra stuff not covered by our insurance. It's completely different for the working poor, not to mention the very poor and/or moderately disabled. The truly disabled and the very poorest do get free access to healthcare, though not as good, but everyone in between them and the moderately comfortable, are completely out of luck. But I digress. 

Stuck, that is SO COOL! I wish I was doing something that made the time slip away like that. Sometimes when I really get into studying, that happens. I mean, the stuff I'm reviewing is actually pretty interesting, it's just hard to get into it instead of doing 8 billion other, more attractive or mindless things. Even though I really enjoy it when I actually do it. Sorry about the online class, but yeah, the expectation that you would work for less, and teach a remedial class no less, is understandably a deal breaker. 

One of my online English teachers was one of us... She never returned emails and didn't really grade papers or any of the online (waste of time) work we did. I finally called her office, desperate to find out some of my grades so I could protect my 4.0. (Yes, I'm that annoying student teachers hate because all I cared about was the grade.) When I looked her info up, it included her picture, and she had "the look". 

Binge last night was not averted. Feeling terrible today. And SO thankful we're going to Baltimore tomorrow for several days. Then when we get back, we'll be abstinent because Ed can't drink before his next ASAP class. Alcohol and Substance Abuse Prevention--mandated by court. You get to do fun things like watch videos of car crashes by drunk drivers, and the interviews with the families of victims. Don't get me wrong, drunk driving is atrocious, but the whole "scared-straight" approach of these kinds of classes doesn't work. There's a lot of evidence based research that shows that's the case. *sigh* Whatever. The classes are ridiculously expensive, so it's another way to make money for the state. In a perfect world, all the money made from the convictions of drunk drivers would be spent on treatment of drunks. I'm such a pollyanna idealist. 

Later, folks! 

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StuckinLA

Everyone's asking if my goldpharma order has come in yet. So the answer is no. The outside limit of the shipping schedule will be next Wednesday, and I will wait until then to report a lost shipment. They will almost certainly resend, but at this point I think I would just as well prefer a refund.

So the big update: no, no I am not taking baclofen right now, and I can't remember when but I just stopped taking gabapentin. Wasn't really even a conscious decision so much as I just stopped. Didn't run out, and a member here was generous and kind enough to ship me some extra that they had sitting around. But right now aside from a multivitamin and some milk thistle I am not taking anything.

AF for... 13 days. Just counted on the calendar. No cravings, no issues. Still 4 beers here that I moved out of the fridge and into a cabinet and promptly forgot about. Should throw em out, but whatever. My focus is on work and going to the gym for some exercise. Things are boring here, but that's ok.

Went to bar trivia with a couple friends last night. My one jackass friend had 2 pints on the table waiting for me when I got there, but I said no thanks and he drank them eventually. He's such an ass. And there's no use talking to him because he doesn't listen to anything you say, and he goes off about whatever he thinks whether it's correct or not, and nothing will change his mind. Ended up sticking around until he finished the last beer, since he wanted a ride home. Dropped him off and was glad to be done with him for the night. 

I guess he's in some outpatient all day group therapy thing, though it certainly doesn't seem to be helping. Anyway, none of that is any of my concern. Dinner tonight with another friend who was at trivia. Though this guy is much more supportive and only wants to catch up over a low key, drama free dinner. That will be nice. I'll throw gym clothes in the car and maybe head over to the Y after dinner. At least for the hot tub or the sauna. And yes, I am that much of a crotchety old man that my gym membership is at the YMCA.

Hope y'all are doing well.

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@Nicnak I am so sorry for the position you're in, and your husband's. It's so complex I don't know what to say other than my thoughts are with you and I wish you the best.

My drinking has crept up to problematic levels again, this summer has been so full of hurdles and stresses, I'm also going abstinent for a little while - a week at least. I need to clear my head. That and DXM. The DXM trips aren't as productive when you're in a stressed or foggy state. So, just deep breaths, smiling, gym (even though I feel fat from all the IPA I've been downing), propranolol, and hydroxyzine for a little while. Let's all support each other.

My best to everyone, ~CB

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15 hours ago, Chuck said:

... gym (even though I feel fat from all the IPA I've been downing), 

Lol. Isn't the purpose of the gym to go when you're feeling fat? 

A period of abstinence is a good place to start. I posted on another thread that I can see a huge difference the day after a day of abstinence, even if I drink only a couple of beers or glasses of wine the day before. I remember (now) too that when I was indifferent, I would definitely feel the effects of just a little bit of booze the night before. I imagine that's one of the reasons it was so easy to just skip drinking for long periods of time. 

Stuck, all of that is such great news. Except about the medication order. I know it's irrelevant to you at this stage but it's important to know whether shipments from Goldpharma are reliable and what happens if you don't actually get what you ordered. (Plus, it doesn't hurt to have a backup plan.)

I'm so thrilled for you. And amazed. Bummer about trivia with your friend. I thought you'd ditched him? Intensive Outpatient (IOP) didn't do anything for me, except that I had a hippy counselor who started and ended each session with meditation. I learned how to meditate! And I called her up after I got sober with bac. She was my therapist for the first year. In my IOP, we had to take regular, but unscheduled urine tests. Back in the day, they couldn't tell about alcohol. Now they can. I wonder if he's getting tested? Apparently not...

Glad you're having dinner with a more supportive friend tonight. I can't go to the gym at night. Very much looking forward to when I fill my nights with productive activities rather than drinking or craving drinking. 

I'm off to Baltimore this morning. Abstinent yesterday, will be through next Thursday, and planning on continuing the trend. (Don't get excited! It makes me nervous.) 

Hope you guys have a good weekend. 

:75_EmoticonsHDcom:

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@Chuck,thanks chuck,there's not much anyone can say at the moment :(

@StuckinLA, I used to belong to a gym in a local hotel and I didn't really use the gym,mostly the pool,steam room and jacuzzi but feel I need to do more now than just my walking to get my Wright loss going.

A question for all those who are indifferent 

Im almost at 8 weeks alcohol free on Baclofen and I know the protocol is start going down after 3 months.Does everyone agree with this or should I leave it a bit longer?....of course I mean not now but when I reach 12 weeks

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Mom2JTx3

@Nicnak I'm at 3 months, but I was at three months once before and relapsed.  I'm going to sit where I'm at awhile longer before going down.  With SEs at a minimum, I don't see a reason to hurry.  I can't afford to relapse because even if I go to a party and have a glass or two of wine, I have w/d symptoms. I need a good long stretch of AF time before I'll be comfortable titrating down.  I'm starting to sing that song to myself as I'm typing this:

"Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep"

O.o

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StuckinLA

In all my time ordering from Goldpharma I had one shipment go missing. They expedited a replacement free of charge and the replacement arrived safely.

Everyone here who has ordered from them will know they are usually pretty fast - much faster than the shipping schedule indicates. Anyway like I said, I'm waiting until Wednesday and then will report the shipment lost. I'll keep everyone updated so those of you in the US buying from Goldpharma will know what's what. @Admin1 and @Admin2, is there an online pharmacy section where this info would be better placed?

Well another day. Wrote like maybe a couple paragraphs. I hate getting bogged down so much in sentence-level detail, but if that's what it takes then that's what it takes. Still pushing forward, still AF. 2 weeks. yay. 

Hit the gym for my miserable ½ hour of cardio, then the hot tub. :) Just ordered some vegan Thai delivery, and thinking about going down the hill for a foot massage after dinner, 'cause I'm a spoiled brat and my feet are really sore for some reason.

But seriously, someone has got to tell me to stop spending money. I've been ordering lots of little crap, and sure it all seems reasonable one thing at a time but this is adding up. I know it's the same as with M&Ms or anything else - just filling a void. A dopamine response to clicking "purchase." At least I haven't bought anything really big (yet). Have an eye on some Ikea bookshelves that are a lot bigger than what I have now and would probably clear up a bunch of space in my living room. Just not sure how long I'll be in this apartment, ya' know? Don't want to drop $1500 on furniture if I'm moving next year. Or maybe I do want to do that... hell, if I hadn't turned down the online class it would have paid for a complete renovation of my living room. Whatevs.

And I need a new car. F**kballs I hate making large decisions and dropping thousands of dollars. I am really putting off the car shopping because the whole process is giving me anxiety. I've only had 3 cars in my lifetime, and only 1 of them was paid for by me. Never bought a car on my own before. Any advice? I'm leaning toward the newest used Prius I can afford, though I have no clue what I can afford because I don't do monthly budgets. Or a MINI or a Mazda 3. Those last 2 only because I really want a stick shift. Ugh. Choices, decisions, anxiety.

Hope ya'll are doing well this evening.

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@StuckinLA

7 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

I'll keep everyone updated so those of you in the US buying from Goldpharma will know what's what. @Admin1 and @Admin2, is there an online pharmacy section where this info would be better placed?

The Online Pharmacy Section can be found here:

http://www.theendofmyaddiction.org/forum/95-online-pharmacies/

I generally only deal with the back end side of things. If you would like it moved to a more prominent postion (Front end) or changed visually in any way, @Admin2 is your man.

 

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Stuck, just think of all the money you're saving by NOT DRINKING!

Do a quick calculation of what it was costing you each day up to recently, then you can feel a lot better about all the little purchases.

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I recently added up how much I used to spend in a month and if you see it on paper it's shocking.At my worst I could drink up to 3 bottles of wine a day and that's just what I spent in the supermarket.If you add on all the lunches and dinners out it was a small fortune(or not so small!)

Now because I'm not drinking those sort of things don't appeal to me.After work I look forward to a nice low calorie meal and big brother catch up(please don't shoot me)

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On 8/20/2016 at 8:20 PM, StuckinLA said:

Any advice? I'm leaning toward the newest used Prius I can afford, though I have no clue what I can afford because I don't do monthly budgets. Or a MINI or a Mazda 3. Those last 2 only because I really want a stick shift. Ugh. Choices, decisions, anxiety.

I am also a stick shift afficionado, and after driving sticks exclusively for pretty much my entire life, I bought a Prius in March. And I absolutely love it. 

Minis are "cool" but they tend to have poor ratings. Mazda 3s are good cars, highly rated, but the Priuses (Prii?) are highly rated, solid, reliable cars that also have superior gas mileage. I average 45 mpg with my 2012. No regrets on that purchase decision.

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idefineme

Stuck, you don't know me from Adam, but when somebody asks for car advice I can't stay quiet!  I own two 2003 Subaru Foresters (my daughter actually drives one of them, but it was mine before it was hers) ... the one she drives has well over 250,000 miles on it, and mine has about 110,000.  I just wanted to throw my two cents in that out of the many types of cars I have owned, this is by far the most reliable car for me and unless I finally win the lottery and can buy the Jaguar that I lust over, I'm sticking with the Subaru.  In fact, when I do finally win that lottery I will own a Jaguar and a couple of Subaru's, too!

I also just wanted to say that I started reading your thread and it's pretty dark, I'm sure you know.  I caved and went to the last page and discovered (spoiler alert!) that you have been abstinent for a couple of weeks now, and I just want to lend my support and encouragement to keep the good work going.  I will be revisiting the earlier pages, as I love a great story told in a great fashion.  My oldest daughter is a college student at a private college here in town, and I know how the professors can make a very deep impression on their students.  From the first few pages of your "journal" it is clear to me that you are one of those professors that the kids admire and emulate, and it is such a joy when she relates to me a story of a professor that ignites her passion. Sounds like you're such an instructor.  So, kudos to you in that regard as well!  Keep the good work, on both fronts, up! 

 

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I can't believe you guys in the US are opting for stick shifts - that's going back in time! I didn't drive an automatic until I was about 50, but then I was instantly converted. I hope never to shift a gear again in this life!

Apart from an automatic gear box, my only requirements for a car is that it should have air conditioning & a good sound system - so thanks for the You Tube link Chuck. That one's going on my playlist, along with the Queen  tracks which also appeared on that link: Don't stop me now, Bohemian Rhapsody, Another one bites the dust, I want to break free......great driving music to sing along to!

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I didn't pass my test till I was 26 and we were house hunting and didn't know if it would be in the middle or not so I wanted to pass quickly so I took an automatic only test and thought later on I would take my manual test but of course I never did.It was never a problem until my son passed his test and I couldn't bring his insurance down by being a named driver and by then my husband had had his accident and was only allowed to drive an automatic.

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StuckinLA
57 minutes ago, Molly78 said:

I can't believe you guys in the US are opting for stick shifts - that's going back in time! I didn't drive an automatic until I was about 50, but then I was instantly converted. I hope never to shift a gear again in this life!

I hear you, I really do. And manual would be a pain in the nuts, I know it would. But it's something I've always wanted to do - I can drive stick but not comfortably, and it feels like something a person should be good at to the point of not even thinking about it. Like hand rolling cigarettes, which I actually sit at home and practice now and again. And the only way to do that is to own one and drive it every day. Anyway, I've only owned 3 cars in my life and none of them were the result of a choice I made. They were all just opportunities that happened along and my dad helped me out with finding and buying them. My current car - a Ford Taurus with 160,000 miles - I've had since 2003. Last summer the air conditioning compressor froze up and I had to pull the damned thing out. So now it has no air conditioning, which really sucks.

@Chuck I love Subarus. The WRX would be a dream car, except for the premium gas and the mileage. I am trying not to go too far against my environmental, anti-fossil fuel principles. Oh and hey congrats on the AF time. Glad you're feeling good.

Funny that the check in thread got dragged over to my car hunt. :) Thanks everyone for your thoughts. 

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Baclofenman
17 hours ago, idefineme said:

 I just wanted to throw my two cents in that out of the many types of cars I have owned, this is by far the most reliable car for me and unless I finally win the lottery and can buy the Jaguar that I lust over

 

I currently have a X308R, slushmatic and can say, it is the best car I have ever owned and despite what you may think, fuel aside*, the running costs are very reasonable when you bear in mind what you are driving

@StuckinLA - Stuckers, I used to be ALWAYS a stick (manual) man - I think as I have got older and "less racey" I have grown to love slush boxes - I know you Americans love your automatic boxes - Incidentally, I once had a Chevy once, a Camaro Z28 iroc - 5 Litre, a monster of a car 0-60 in no time - An excellent car but getting parts was (obviously in hindsight) a complete bollock but I enjoyed it for the couple of years I could afford to keep it on the road!!

7 hours ago, Chuck said:

AF day 4 - man it feels good! Happier, sharper, the grey cloud of apathy and listlessness is gone.

Blue skies and the beautiful late summer sun as I head down to the civic center to indict more ham sandwiches.

Electric Light Orchestra "Mr. Blue Sky": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjPqsDU0j2I

I love ELO - Jeff Lynne is a true brummie legend - He hails from the same city (Birmingham) as Ozzy Osbourne - I know this is not the music thread but your comment on the end of summer reminded me of another British band, the lead singer of which is my all time musical hero

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHwiyj-OcGQ

@Chuck - Great news that you are starting to feel some benefits to your AF time

Regards

 

Bacman

 

*18mpg Ouch

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Baclofenman

Well, the Pianna is abroad with the kids so I am sort of throwing myself into my current projects and trying to get as must crap done around the house before they are back on Saturday

Having got many of the small list of "target" chores done at the weekend, I feel pretty chuffed with myself - I also did the Pianna's stuff she does for her mum - Cut the grass, sweep up the patio and put the bins out, you know the kind of shit while she is away - Bless her the MIL offered me £20.00 for my time - She is not a bad old stick, the MIL

Oh yes, while she was away, I took the Pianna's car for an MOT (annual government test), bloody thing failed, apparently the front shock absorbers are leaking - More money!! - Without the test she cannot drive the car and I am too busy to do it myself, so I am going to have to pay!!

I dont know about you guys in US but we don't get that many dog deaths here - There have been two recently, the latest a three year old boy, mauled to death by a dog - I mean what the fuck!! - Seriously, we need to herd all these feckless twats into a corner (Owners not dogs) - Very sad - Very 

Anyway, on a more cheery note we (Brits) had a good return in the Olympics (Second in golds to the US) - I do like the second half. track and field etc - I don't do horse stuff, all a bit snooty to me, the rank and file don't get a look in

Regards

 

Bacman

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Hi all, I've just skimmed the last page or so to make sure nobody has died, and all seems ok. I join the incredulity at actually wanting a manual car, what a PITA! The Cure is pounding away from the youtube link a couple of posts back, and all is well.

 

Glad your bac has arrived Stuck, I really hope it goes smoothly for you.

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StuckinLA

Yep, @Nicnak. Wednesday would have marked 18 business days, which is the point when it could have been reported lost. Can't remember Goldpharma ever taking that long before. Anyway, just a really quick drive by post here, as I'm still trying to get some actual work done this morning and the forum is just a way to distract myself from that and procrastinate. Be back around later.

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