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The End of my Addiction

Checking In - October


Ne1
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Good morning, EOMAers! And Happy October!

I always feel  like I'm leaving out the Europeans, and our honorary member from Zim (@bleep) since by the time I get up and start the new monthly thread, it's already afternoon where y'all are. 

I am in Washington DC, for a birthday weekend with my parents, two aunts and an uncle.

Took a tour of the Ford Theater Museum (where Lincoln was shot) yesterday. Not bad...Museums have come a long way! Then saw a show at the theater last night called... Come From Away. HOLY COW! There's something to be said for seeing a show live in a big city, you know? Totally blown away. 

It was about the little town in Newfoundland where they routed 38 planes and ~7000 people, doubling the island's population, when European air traffic was rerouted there after the planes crashed on 9/11.

It's a musical. We laughed out loud. We cried. (Which of course is no surprise given the subject, but honestly it was so well done. Y'all know I just can't listen to horror stories and suffering and sadness...) The music was amazing. Such a great night. :)

Not sure what we're going to see today. Library of Congress, maybe, or the Capitol? And some art, of course. 

I've got to go find a place to smoke. *sigh* I swear, I understand it and all, but dammit, don't you think they'd find a place so we could have at least a couple of comfortable cigarettes first thing in the morning? That's all I'm asking! Just the first 2, or 3, or 6. THEN I'll stand in the rain, on the sidewalk. pfffffft.

Hope you guys are having a good weekend! 

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We're at the  Hirshhorn museum waiting for a tour. I'm kinda nervous because I think we're the only ones for the tour and we don't know anything about modern art! 

Mom2, are you the mother of the girl or boy? Must be the girl, right? Since that's where the pic get taken. Is this a first? Is it a big deal in your world? It was for my first 2 years of high school. And terrifying! 

Hope it's a good weekend y'all. 

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I'm about to embark on a three-night camping trip with my two kids. Wish me luck! I'm kidding, it'll be fun. It'll give me an opportunity to reconnect with my kids after years of drinking etc.

I have the loan of a small caravan, and we're staying at a caravan park, so it's not really camping strictly speaking.

Was up for an hour last night with a sore lower back. I've had this (I think) Bac SE since late last year, and it isn't getting any better. Driving me nuts. Sure, I did a lot of gardening yeserday, which would've made my back sore even w/out Bac. Yet it's weird how, at around midday (or earlier) that the back pain disappears. Then it's back in the evening. Has to be a Bac SE. That and foot tapping.

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Hey everyone. I’ve been having a really hard time posting recently for reasons that aren’t worth going into, so I’m just going to type this up really fast and hit "submit reply" before I have a chance to change my mind. I heard through the grapevine that Linda Burlison’s book “A Prescription for Alcoholics,” which is a really good book on medications used for alcoholism (I have it), is now available for free -- somewhere! I can’t for the life of me find where it’s being given out for free, so if anyone has the info, please post it here or on another thread.

Ne - Is this your birthday weekend? If so, Happy Birthday! It sounds like you’re having a great time (and are probably experiencing more culture in one weekend than I have in the last few years!). I hope by now you’ve found a comfy place to smoke :)

Mom - That’s exciting (and cute). I hope the pictures turn out well.

MJM - Have fun camping with the kids! Are you sure the back pain is a bac side effect? The back spasms I had while titrating up wore off after a while and usually bac side effects wear off once you’re used to a dose. It could be another issue going on, considering that the pain wears off then comes back in the evening. Does the pain cycle coincide with being active during the day versus sitting in the evening or getting going in the morning? I know with my husband’s arthritis, if he sits for too long then starts walking around, his knees are in agonizing pain, but once he’s up and going for a while, the pain wears off. Whatever’s causing it, I hope you can find a way to get some relief soon.

As for me, I’m hanging in there I guess. The good news is that through everything, I’m still sober. However, the job search is looking more and more hopeless with each passing day that I don’t get called into interviews for the jobs I apply to. I also have a lot of free time on my hands which I’ve been using to volunteer with a group whereby I can text millenials in key US swing states from my computer, identify which ones favor the same Presidential candidate that I do, and encourage them to both get out and vote, as well as to recruit everyone they know who feels similarly to get out and vote. The depressing part, though, is that the vast majority of the responses I get are negative, with people saying absolutely vile things about my candidate. I’m hoping it’s just because the candidate they want is crass, so people who want that person to win are similarly crass, while the people who want my candidate to win are silently spreading the word - that’s what I tell myself in order to not have a total meltdown over the pending election results, anyway. I think it might be time to take a break from all of this so as to maintain my sanity.

Anyway, I’m going to go catch up on other threads. I hope everyone out there is having a good one!

Edited by Lostinspace
Incorrect use of punctuation
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Ne- Glad to see you had a good time in DC,  I'm amazed at your stamina, titrating down on the meds and still able to get up and do things and enjoy them. I was practically bedridden when I was drinking, coming off meds, etc.  Sounds like you're pretty healthy despite everything.  Like your experience with baclofen,  I think my effort  with naltrexone and TSM was compromised by the antidepressants, ADD drugs, etc  I was taking.  

Mom2TJx3- I hope to host one of these "before" events someday soon.  I missed  a lot of this stuff with my oldest so I really want to take part now. I have been very busy trying to clean up/fix up my house yard since it's been neglected for so long.  Hopefully, I can get it nice enough to have people over.  Been so long since I've done that. 

MJM-I wish my kids were still young enough to want to go camping! Or young enough to want to do anything with their mother.  We never went camping but I wish we had, so take it from me and do as many things as you can with them now while they're little because next thing you know they're barely around.

LIS- I have been a stay at home mom for 20 years but  I did work in Human Resources for 13 years and I can tell you it's kind of a numbers game, meaning if you just keep doing everything--sending out  resumes, going to job fairs, following up with calls, eventually something hits.  Also, go on every interview you can even if it's a job you're not interested in because often there may be other openings and you may be a good fit for one of them.  Also, depending on where you live and the profession, temping can be good way to "get a foot in the door'.  Good luck and by the way, looking for a job has always sucked for everyone.  This election is very nerve-wracking, I agree.  My husband has our kids and me terrified, saying if it goes one way, the USA as we know it, is done.  

I am doing better, still  AF and holding at 110mg bac and 1500 gabapentin.  Still have SEs like sudden overwhelming somnolence, and the fuzzy, overmedicated feeling.  I'm still having a few fleeting thoughts about a cold chardonnay so I'm considering going up by 10mg in the near future.  I don't have cravings per se but I do feel like if I lived alone I might still be drinking.  I used to love to be alone, it was when I drank, so now I don't like it.  My husband works from home a lot of the time and before it drove me insane, now I hate it when he leaves, especially overnight trips. So I don't think I'm completely indifferent yet.  

Physical activity has been really good for me.  Every day for the past 10 days or so, and it was more of an effort in the beginning, I force myself to go outside and work on my yard.  It's always been a mess so I decided to tear up my backyard of weeds and plant new grass.  It's the right time of year here, for that and other outside stuff.  So I  rented a rototiller but soil so packed down I ended up raking and tilling most of it by hand.  The whole thing took 10x longer than I planned but I'm so glad I finally finished something!   Being outside just makes me feel better for some reason and the exercise felt great.  Right now, mindless, physical activity like this is what I handle best.  Reading, doing paperwork or anything that requires mental effort is much harder, my brain doesn't feel like it's running on all cylinders.  And I still don't feel the motivation or enthusiasm I remember feeling before all the pills and alcohol, but it is getting better a little each day and I am grateful for that.  

 

 

 

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@Lostinspace

I have the book by Linda burlison but paid over £20 for it.I had a free copy on my phone but it disappeared and couldn't get it again so ordered it from Amazon because I wanted s physical copy as I think it's an amazing book and at the very least all gp's should read it.

Everyone else seems very productive!

I feel like a lazy moo now!

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Hullloooooo!

MJM, hope you're having a fun camping trip with the kids. I REALLY want to go camping down the street in a state park this month. Figure out how the dog is going to handle it, figure out if I am actually willing to sleep on the ground, figure out if I/we still have any interest in doing it. Then we can get prepared to do it next year. Or maybe we'll figure out that we need to go "glamping" instead of camping. ;)

Mom2, I remember now that you have boys. Hope the event was a success and that everyone looked great and had fun. Also pretty cool that you were the host. It's a positive thing, to be "chosen", and very cool that you're sober for it. 

LIS, glad you're hanging in there sober, despite the curve balls. Thanks for checking in. And for spreading the word about Burlison's book, which IS brilliant. (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01A1E8YKW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) And regardless of anything else, it's great that you're reaching out about something you care about. 

Nicnak, I'm glad you bought the book. I wish I could buy many of them, both to support her and to get the book into libraries and docs...

Being in DC was actually very good for the soul of this cynic. It's not the first, and won't be the last, time, that things have been totally kerfuffled politically. Y'all, we went to so many places, and each was so profound in their own way, but I was REALLY struck by the review of Lincoln's presidency, the Civil War, the assassination and the resulting fall out after that. HAVE FAITH. That's all I can say about this whole debacle. Internationally, too. Boy, oh boy, I hate to be all Pollyanna Sunshine, but when you have a couple of days immersion into the oh-so-short history of this country and the sh*t we've been through, it really puts it all in perspective. I mean, don't even get me started about WWII and the after-effects. It doesn't make the current refugee situation any less heart-breaking, but it does remind one that people are...Good. I really, really needed it and didn't even know it! :)

Alice, I'm a hot mess. Holding it together, for the sake of family and friends, but it ain't easy. Appreciate that you can understand it all. 'Cause you're right. Trying to navigate meds and drinking and maintaining some sort of equilibrium is much, much harder than it should be. But such is the life of someone with active alcoholism in recovery. I think I mentioned (several times) that I have a friend of a friend who took too many pills, ended up in rehab for 45 days, went to live in a sober-living house, and while I'm only getting information second-hand ('cause Gods know I don't need to be directly involved in that!) it makes me grateful to be...Not Her. This path, the one I'm on, seems much more realistic and reasonable and definitely more achievable and sustainable. So there's that. 

I'm glad you're feeling better, still abstinent and getting out into the yard. It's definitely rewarding! I had to drag myself out to the park with Pete the pup this morning, and probably wouldn't have gone if husband wasn't home and eager to go. I was committed to walking at least a mile. Just. One. Mile. By the mile mark, though, I was raring to go and we went 3 1/2 miles, for my best time ever. That after getting home from DC yesterday and making up for the fact that I didn't really drink all weekend by trying to catch up last night. Ugh. I mother effin' hate booze, y'all.

I'll update on my thread for the full story, but my pDoc went to an integrative health conference this weekend and she sent me a list of things, via text message, first thing this morning, about how we're going to make me super-human or something. My homework, before Wednesday, includes several online questionnaires, videos, diet info, supplement info, and the list goes on. I'm excited! And also more than a little skeptical. Ha. 

Hope it's a good one out there, peeps. :hug: 

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Long time no post. Just a quick update. Been AF about three weeks. First 10-14 days sucked, as usual. I was three weeks back in June and when I had a few beers on vacation. Didn't start the craving, but I started drinking anyway. Regularly. On BAC, I don't drink nearly as much as I used to, but I've decided (once again) that I cannot fuck around with this shit anymore.

It occurred to me only after I was dry for a few days that the reason my relationship had gone back to total shit was because I was more interested in maintaining my relationship with Lovely Miss Vodka then my partner. Once I stopped drinking, I started showing up again and things have rapidly improved.

So I'm not here to tell anyone else how to do this deal, but trying to drink anything at all for me isn't sustainable. So, if I decide to drink in the future, that's what I'm choosing. Not my partner. Not my kids. Not my writing. Not myself. Not saying I won't go there again, cuz I've done it too many times count. But I'm no longer going to tell myself it is something I can do, because of BAC. It isn't. It rules my life the same way it did before BAC. It just takes a lot fewer ounces for Miss Vodka to have her way with me.

 

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@DunDrinkn

Hi DD, nice to hear from you again

You know, it is posts like this one you made, that remind me of my initial goals as the length of my current sobriety keeps asking the question, what if.....?

Thanks

 

Bacman

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That doesn't even begin to feel like enough to say, though it's all we've got given the circumstances.

I'm glad it's over. I'm looking forward to you crawling out from the bottle and sharing more. I want to hear about the next steps. I want to literally hug you and feed you. 

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Thanks everyone for your support.

I drank one bottle and one glass yesterday before passing out and that was over about 5 hours so I think Bac makes less tolerant to alcohol.Upped my bac today (thanks @Molly78) and so far no desire to drink.

@Ne1 Not sure what the next step is.He has to be assessed and then they can arrange visiting.

Im in the process of cancelling direct debits of his and his pip and industrial injuries both of which are benefits he gets due to his accident 3 years ago and he's not entitled to when he's in prison.Ive also contacted the benefits office and they are sending out a claim form.Because I still have one child in education I will get money for him and they might pay the interest on my mortgage.

So I have to be positive and sober now for my children 

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I'm so glad that you're taking the next right steps, Nic. And it's SO WONDERFUL that you're sane and sober for this process. 

I woke up cheery this morning, inexplicably. Yesterday I wanted to stick a fork in someone. Tomorrow I am going to start back on bac. And maybe (probably) gabapentin, too. I haven't decided how much to start with. 

Got a very little bit of studying done yesterday, because (at least this is my excuse) the internet kept going in and out. East coast of US had a major storm pass through (God, those poor people in Haiti) and we had very minor damage, but cable and internet were out for a while. We used to live in a flood zone, and our first rule when we went to buy a house was ABSOLUTELY NO WATER. That's really hard to find in Norfolk, VA, which is basically all at or below sea level. One of the reasons we're in the 'burbs.

Gonna finish my coffee and then head off to get some things done today. Hope it's a good one for you all out there!

xx

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@Molly78, are you off the steroids you were taking? I'm taking prednisone now for an allergic reaction I had to phenobarbitol and it made me think of you.

@Lostinspace, any hiking or boating? It's in mid-60s here now and gorgeous. Can't wait to get Pete out to the trail.

@StuckinLA, haven't read any other threads, but are you teaching/writing/drinking and the SO? 

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Nearly off them now - down to 2.5 mg a day.

What dose are you on, Ne?  I ask because 15 mg at the beginning made me slightly high for the first couple of weeks b- a very pleasant sensation which I'm sure you would welcome given your present situation, with the diet & all.

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So very sorry about the news Nic. Staying sober would be hard, but will really help you and your kids.

I'm still AF. I'm also not doing carbs, white stuff, dairy. It's always easier for me to quit everything at once even though the first couple of weeks are so flipping debilitating that it's all I can do not to curl up in a ball and die. Good news is starting this weekend, I'll be trying things out in my diet again. But not alcohol. I know I'm allergic to that! But so looking forward to milk in my coffee!

@Ne, the Gaba made me feel sleepy/stoned in the beginning as well but once I found a regular dose (am/noon/early pm/pm), it doesn't effect me that way. However, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I can pop and extra 300mg and go right back to sleep. Ahhhh. And if I'm anxious about something, I do the same. Takes the edge off, but doesn't make me dopey.

@Stuck, use the Baclofen for fucks sakes! I get it. I have shitty, painful, SEs as well. You shouldn't need nearly as much using the Gaba and the Bac. And while the Gaba helps me with anxiety, there really is no comparison as far as combatting cravings. Baclofen really does the trick on that. I've tested it all a lot of different ways, trust me. The Gaba has the added bene of helping with the nerve pain. I'm not trying to tell you your life/job doesn't suck. It very well might. But you've let the bottom drop out, my friend. So even though I can't 100% attest to you that things aren't as bad as you say, I can 100% guarantee that you've got no perspective in this very moment.

Here's something I'm so very sad to announce.... alcohol makes me fucking stupid. Not (only) because I do/say/think dumb-ass shit while under the influence. I really can't think even when not drinking. My real job requires me to decipher scientific/technical info and write about it so regular folks can understand it. I cannot do it anymore when I'm drinking. I recognized this in June. When after a 3 week stint of being AF, I jumped into writing something I'd been putting off and was on a bigtime roll. I started drinking as I was making progress. Feeling all writerly and shit and wanting to play the part. Well, that lasted all of about a week. Then there was no more writing, only more drinking.

That's my news. DD

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16 hours ago, DunDrinkn said:

Here's something I'm so very sad to announce.... alcohol makes me fucking stupid.

Amen to that sister. Sober or drunk, when drinking, I'm an idiot. My synapses simply don't fire. 

Started back on bac this morning. With gabapentin. Will follow up with that on my thread. 

Molly, I can't remember the dose she started me on--it's the standard, "take 6 for 2 days, then 5 for 2 days..." I "detoxed" with phenobarbitol and had a skin reaction. Still itchy as hell. Woke myself, the dog, and the husband up in the middle of the night last night scratching my feet. I have never regretted cutting my nails so much in my life. I wanted to flay my feet. Ed woke up long enough to suggest benadryl and all was well from there. But yea, it is a little burst of energy, taking steroids, and much appreciated. 

Has anyone here heard of "Stop The Thyroid Madness"? It was a 'thing' on MWO for a while. I have always been secretly convinced that my lack of energy and attention has to do with my thyroid not working properly. And the book (not a very legit resource, from what I remember) suggests that just getting T3 and T4 tested isn't enough. That many women (in particular) have low level thyroid issues that come up with standard testing. 

I may hunt that down, and take a look. Or not. pffft. 

There are a bunch of people missing. Where is everyone? I'm going to noodle around here some and see what's the what today. Gotta drink the coffee (sans milk :| ) and then get Pete to the trail. We've been going around the neighborhood, only walking a mile and a half. It's lame. And it doesn't wear her out. 

Before I go, I have a very, very serious question to ask you guys. I need your opinion(s). I have a friend who is an incredibly gifted (and genius) artist. He's doing "Renaissance" pet portraits like these: https://www.etsy.com/shop/RenaissancePet

I know I want a portrait of Pete a la Picasso. But I have been debating about having him paint her as a devil and an angel in some sort of baroque style. Is that cliche? The Angel and the Devil thing? (They would be two separate portraits.) I'm going to have to pull him by the short hairs to get even one painting from him, but he's a bestie for forever and he never gives ME any of his art, so I'm pretty sure I can guilt him into doing it for free. (He ain't cheap for the general public.) So what do you think? Picasso...AND what? A regal queen? (Boring, I think. Maybe.) The pic of Pete on the top of the following link is what I think of when she's being devilish. Make no mistake about that smile in the picture. She's about to go for the jugular. OPINIONS ON THIS VERY, VERY important subject will continue to be solicited. 

 

Hope it's a good day peeps. 

 

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@Ne1 eh I'm drinking, can't seem to stop. Barely making it through the day without massive, head-boiling anxiety. More or less ok to drive most days but definitely pushing it. Not on purpose, of course, but already cancelled one class this term and that's my limit. Actually, my limit is none. But I can get away with one. I have a ton of grading to do but don't want to do any of it, and just sitting here staying buzzed enough to feel completely drained and unmotivated. It's a disaster and this weekend is not looking good.

Figuring out what I'm going to do. Stay buzzed? Try to keep from feeling too terrible? Try to focus on work, like the grading I need to do? I don't know. Almost time to run down to the liquor store.

The recycling is getting embarrassing. I've just started putting all the empty cans in shopping bags so they're easier for whoever goes through the recycling out back to pick them up. Not sure if it's local homeless or the landlady's elderly dad who picks out all the cans to sell, but whoever it is it's nice and easy for them now. Screw me, right? 

Anyway that's where I'm at, folks. Not a good place. How's everyone else? Been real quiet around here.

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@StuckinLA

Don't know what to say except PLEASE try Baclofen again.And what about meds for your anxiety?

Tommorow I'm 16 weeks almost AF except for my hiccup on Tuesday but also since sept 2 (my anniversary) I've had a glass of wine a week.Enjoyed it but didn't want anymore.Aftef Tuesdays episode I begin to think I might have been loosing my switch because I became indifferent at 160mg but went up to 170mg.Then reduced it to 155mg and that's when I started having the glass of wine a week.So I'm back up to 170mg now and am definetly still indifferent.

I was really worried I had lost indifference and that's all I needed on top of everything else!

 

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Good morning, all! 

Spent the weekend working on our patio. I'm very pleased both by how much we got done and how it looks. I have an incredibly undervalued talent for picking out paint colors, so didn't get the floor done, which held up some other stuff. I was looking for a dark-ish red-gray or red-brown and ended up with straight up purple. The rest of it's pretty chic and subdued (IMO) and rockin' out a purple floor...Well, there's a time and a place. This wasn't it. 

Hopefully we'll be able to finish this albatross next weekend. My M-I-L's boyfriend just broke up with her, though, so Ed is thinking about going up there for the weekend. Apparently he has a special friend he sees a couple of times a year, and she's not down with that. Which I understand...except, well, he's 79 and hasn't been married in 40 years... I would think dating in your lates is a whole different ball game, but what do I know? 

@DunDrinkn, dude, I cannot wait for the cream in my coffee. And we haven't even started the diet yet! I refused to throw out the $$$s worth of food that would have necessitated starting it right away. (Ironically, the things we're giving up are mostly things that I buy organic. Usually I don't bother but with dairy and some of the other stuff, I did. And I'm not throwing away $7 worth of cottage cheese!) I think we're out, so we start in two days. But the sugar... I'm really not sure about that. The day before yesterday I ate the equivalent of about 3 (okay, 4) candybars, stuffing them into my face as quickly as possible, with an espresso to boot. And then voila! No booze. I can get rid of the processed and the residual sugars, but if it comes to a choice between booze and MnMs, the choice is easy and I'll take the coloring and the refined sugar. Which (apparently) nullifies the diet. But then again, so does drinking. 

Stuck, you're going to have to do something different if you want different results. I feel like a broken record. Guess I'll just keep saying it, though.

Four days back on bac. I started with gabapentin and some supplements, too. But by day 3 decided to Just Take Baclofen. Plenty of time to reevaluate later. Part of that is because bac...works for me. Just starting back on it (at a rather high dose) has made me feel better. At first I thought it was other things, but I'm pretty sure it's just baclofen. And my drinking is much less compulsive and much less...

I'm also practicing absolutely rigid Just For Today thoughts. Not about booze necessarily, because I'm not trying to quit altogether yet. But for everything else? It's the only way I can keep my goals/chores/stress/anxiety under control. I was literally walking through Home Depot (HUGE hardware store) yesterday and remembered that we have a leak in the attic (and a huge storm that just passed) and saw the stuff to fix it and literally stopped and said, "Nope. Just the stuff right here. Just this thing." 

I just can't take on more than what is right in front of my face right now. Pete the pup. Ed. Gym. Study. EOMA. 

Ironically, I am getting a lot more done. 

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If you sound like a broken record, @Ne1, it's only because I am living a broken record. I know this, you know this, everyone here knows this. We know the answer is to take the damned pills, and I have no idea why I am reluctant to do that. 

Maybe my girl is right, maybe somewhere in me I actually want to live like this. Regardless, I'm not here to lie to anyone. So when I check in or post on my thread, it's to say this is where I am right now.

Glad to hear about your porch. Sounds like a lovely project.

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Oh, I know, Stuck. And I'm glad you're posting and telling it like it is. Seriously glad about it on several levels and thankful that you're doing it. 

I have been emailing myself. And corresponding with my therapist at a completely unreasonable rate, via text and email. But mostly emailing myself. I can't not write, I guess. I just...for the first time since I discovered online forums, (MWO) just have a really hard time opening the computer. Weird, right? 

And you know me. I (re)started baclofen last week and suddenly I feel like the whole world is open and new and inviting again. (Well, that may be going a bit too far. But I don't feel like I might as well just stop living, because what the fuck is the point.) 

At first I thought it was the prednisone I was tapering off of. Then some other things (not meds) then some others. Then, finally, baclofen. But maybe it's just doing something different. Something proactive. 

Not that I wasn't doing that already, but not specifically about Quitting Drinking. And unlike you, I can't put days and weeks together. I have NO CLUE how you do that. It's like magic. 

Anyway. Hellaluv. :hug: 

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