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The End of my Addiction

Deep Thoughts by Dundrinkn


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Is this how I start my own thread? Not sure. But @Ne requested that I do it, so I'm trying. And I was trying to come up with a snazzy title for my thread and I remembered Jack Handy from Saturday Night Live fame in the 90s, I think. In that dead-pan voice he'd say the dumbest shit. I just spent the last 30 minutes reading a bunch of them online. 

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it."  or "I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking of doing that anyway." 

I am a little over 5 weeks AF. I'm on Baclofen (80mg) and Gabapentin (1000mg). I am not on enough Baclofen currently to be able to drink anything at all and stay indifferent. But as long as I don't take a drink, I don't have cravings. I'm at this dosage to try and keep my main SE (nerve pain in my legs) at bay. 

I've decided to give no drinking at all a real go of it. My life is oddly fine and sort of shitty all at the same time. What I mean by this is I have a job that I like, with people that I like. Things are relatively fine with my partner. My kids and my family are all doing well. I have no significant worries about money or health etc. And I'm currently not depressed. But I feel EMPTY. First world problem, I know. 

I'm going to start exercising. Maybe even today. I'm going to get my dogs trained. Because I hate that they are 6 years old and still very ill-behaved. I'm not sure what else is on my agenda. I need to work on a book I'm writing and I'm sort of doing that today.

About not wanting to feel things. I went there this weekend. It was exhausting. I am extremely secretive and compartmentalized to the point that a lot of times I don't know what the hell I'm feeling. It's strange because I'm pretty insightful about other people. And I want to become more "transparent" so I can feel connected to other people, but at the same time, I don't. I've hidden the fact that I've been drinking for a good part of the last 7 years. I'm not having an affair right now, and I haven't in my current relationship. But in my past relationship that lasted for 15 years, I had many affairs. Sometimes more than one at a time. And I kept that hidden as well. I had a raging cocaine addiction when my kids were little, and no one knew. So while I want to be transparent, and "known" to my current partner, I also want to keep my options open. To drink. To fuck around. Just in case. 

I also know that "coming clean" isn't the answer. Confessing my past sins might be cathartic, but isn't necessary. What I need to do is step forward and out of the shadows I'm still hiding in now. So as I mentioned above, I did that incrementally this weekend. I don't like feeling vulnerable, but I was. I was hurt about something that happened at the start of my relationship -- 9 years ago. It established a pattern that we've continued. And my feelings continually get hurt because of it. So I withhold. So I talked about it. Some. And it sucked. But it has eased things between us a bit. I probably didn't share enough details here to make sense. I'll keep trying. For now, I need to get back to work.


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31 minutes ago, DunDrinkn said:

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it."  or "I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking of doing that anyway." 

Literally laughing out loud as I type. And I'm not even drunk. 

Yay! You started a thread! Thanks. 

Man, it is so nice to have a relatively well trained dog. I had no idea how much her bad behavior affected how much I liked her. Or rather, I didn't know I disliked her until she started behaving like she gave a shit about what I wanted. And she does! Before her, I'd never actually had a dog that didn't care about what I wanted. I mean, dogs care! They want to please! Mine didn't. But getting off my ass and taking her on walks everyday changed everything. I hated walking her because she was so bad on a leash, and pulled so much it hurt my back, so I had to do something about that right away. We've made incremental improvements since then. But the weird thing is, it seems like she actually cares, and she is much better in many other ways, too. Like she's figured out that she shouldn't jump on people. We had 16 weeks of training classes when she was a pup, though we never really trained her at home, but now she does things she presumably learned back then.

Here's a weird example of how she's changed, and how things have changed in general since I started walking her. My old dog used to say good morning. I mean, we'd greet each other in the morning with 3 seconds of petting and tail-wagging, just like Ed and I exchange a kiss in the morning. Well, Pete didn't. And it annoyed me or hurt my feelings or something. She just didn't get excited and greet me. And now she does! She'll seek me out if I get up early and she doesn't for the 3 second exchange. It's nice. Anyway. 

When we had two untrained dogs it was really difficult to train them and/or walk them, because I always felt guilty leaving one behind. But I HAD to train them before I went to rehab the last time (in '05) because my parents agreed to take care of them while I was away. I figured out that they really didn't know or care if the other one got the walk... So maybe that's a suggestion? 

I can't relate at all to being secretive or compartmentalizing. Anyone (even online) knows I overshare, and there is barely a thought I keep to myself. (With notable exceptions that you mentioned. I would not find 'confession' cathartic and I know for sure it would be something we could not recover from if there was anything to confess. Which I would not admit to online or anywhere else.) Ed knows that if he presses me, I'll tell him what I bought him for his birthday. And I'm pretty sure that I'm one of those women who sounds like the Charlie Brown teacher when I'm on a roll. He tunes me out. I don't blame him, either. It used to hurt my feelings but now I get it. Most of the time. (I hate that I am--or can be--a stereotype in that way. I am what I am, though.)

The only big secret I've ever had is the booze and that was painful and debilitating. Also isolating and demoralizing. Lots of other negative adjectives, too.  

Kudos for the commitment to abstinence. And for the record, I'm pretty sure we all feel, to some degree, like we want to keep our options open (about almost everything) when it comes right down to it. Hence "one day at a time" and all that jazz.

I'm babbling. See?


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14 hours ago, DunDrinkn said:

I've decided to give no drinking at all a real go of it.

In my experience this is the only way - I mean the only initial target - I feel moderation can only sprout following abstinence - It is the morning after feeling, "I am never going to drink again", the feeling we have all had - I don't get the feeling "I am going to reduce my drinking to a reasonable level" as an initial target - Clearly ultimate moderation has worked for some and this is wonderful, to be able to interact "normally" with society, your peers if you like 

Unfortunately abstinence (for me certainly) has brought out some different character traits, some of which are concerning me but that is another story!

14 hours ago, DunDrinkn said:

I probably didn't share enough details here to make sense. 

No and I have read and re-read your post several times over a few hours to try and get a handle on your position

From what I read, there was an incident at the start of your current relationship that causes you resentment against your current partner which you have recently aired and this and it has been understood and has alleviated some of this angst temporarily?

I get your point about "coming clean" - Again I assume this is about infidelity and drugs usage in your previous relationship? - Whilst this is obviously "wrong" for the long term prospects of that relationship, is this revelation going to help cement your current one? - I can't see it somehow, yes your current partner my "respect" you more for coming clean but the topic of the revelation (as I see it) will plant a seed of doubt in their mind, one that may not be conducive to the current relationship

I don't think you are any different to any one else on these boards, we all have skeletons in our closets that although some people know, we are careful exactly who knows - I must confess I did gulp a little at

14 hours ago, DunDrinkn said:

I also want to keep my options open. To drink. To fuck around. Just in case. 

I may have misread this but is this you current outlook? - Does not look a good caveat for a long lasting (not withstanding 7 years) relationship, even as a retaliation weapon if this was the catalyst for the angst referred to above, is not really a good platform IMO

Just my take on things @DunDrinkn 


14 hours ago, DunDrinkn said:

First world problem, I know. 

Yes a shocking issue - For those "not in the know", Waitrose is supposed to be an upmarket food retailer in the UK



[heavy irony on] Put me back to reality following my Bac-nightmare that the Russians had dropped a bomb on my hovel in Aleppo - Phew.....[/heavy irony on]

Best of luck




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Only just spotted this thread.  Had to laugh out loud at the Waitrose links, Bacman!  Priceless.

Agree completely with your plan to start with abstinence @DunDrinkn.  I didn't the first time I tried with baclofen & failed miserably.  2nd time just 3 weeks abstinence at the beginning  made all the difference - would have remained abstinent for longer but it was Christmas.

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