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The End of my Addiction
Baclofenman

Checking in - November 2016

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StuckinLA

Glad you didn't drink, @Ne1. And you're absolutely right: things seem so immediate and all-about-us in the moment, but as soon as we walk away no one remembers or cares. Both good and extremely humbling.

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Baclofenman
24 minutes ago, Ne1 said:

Unfortunately, I was awkward and uncomfortable. (The new bangs did not help! Women'll understand.) Ed was mad at me because I didn't do anything around here and wasn't ready when he got home. We didn't speak on the drive to the show. Then I inadvertently insulted not only Le Artiste, referring to his age, about which he's very sensitive. I compounded that several times, all without thinking and without intending to do so. Also inadvertently insulted the gallery owners, and our mutual friend, when talking with the owners. I obsessed about it for several hours and then realized it just doesn't matter. Not one of them thought about it after I walked away. We all think about the "I" of the thing, and they had much more to think about than me. So no worries. Whew. 

Fortunately, I didn't drink, and I didn't take any antabuse. I figured that the antabuse, by taking the choice away, would just guarantee a reflexive binge when I did have the choice. You know? I guess I don't like bossy pharmaceuticals any more than I like bossy cars. It's a new theme I'm recognizing in my life! No tolerance for bossy things. Except myself. Accept myself! ha. 

Fuck 'Em all 

You did yourself and us proud

Regards

 

Bacman

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Ne1

Thanks, gents. This feels good! Sorta. Day 7 here, and definitely not drinking. Haven't had a week completely free of alcohol in... a very long time. Maybe a year? Who knows, as I didn't used to feel the need to keep track, but now I'm on a mission. :) 

Ed's off today and lots of chores and feel good activities planned. Including some very much needed intimacy. Is it that we've been married for so long, or that we're so estranged, or that when I was taking ADs for more than a year I had no interest in sex that we now plan it ahead of time? Whatever. I'll take it. Sorry if that's too personal. It is. I'm going to regret posting it. But it's the truth so I'll leave it. Last time I got sober the sex went from good to transcendent. Here's hoping that the same thing happens this time. 

Okay, someone else post something quickly! 

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Baclofenman
On 04/11/2016 at 10:37 PM, Baclofenman said:

I love and hate this time of year - Love the autumn, golden trees, cold weather and frost on the cars in the morning - Fireworks night tomorrow, the little ones love it but its not my bag - 20 years ago this Guy Fawkes night my old friend Steve was killed by a firework in front of his children - Really crap - Enjoy the time but be careful people

Love and hate this time of year aside, it is definitely a time for contemplation - Early dark nights bring on depression, yet the beauty of the golden autumnal trees bring joy and hope

I went to a fireworks display - The first for 20 years - The first sober, Ever? - Maybe....Certainly the first in memory - I enjoyed the display and the kids loved the fairground that was along side it - I gazed at the display, in awe - But could not stop myself thinking of sad times - Mostly, my brother - I shed a tear

Today I went with my daughter to the Village War Memorial for the Remembrance Sunday service - It is well attended (there is an army base nearby) with Military personnel of all ages and sexes wearing their relevant paraphernalia - I considered how lucky I was not to have been born 50 years earlier than I was, and how fucking scary it must have been to have served, before you had a job, a girlfriend - Fuck, straight from school into.....The Army - I shed another tear there too

Not sure if any of the Brits watched Country file tonight? - It was a Remembrance Day special - Well worth a look on i player, if not

Regards

 

Bacman

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Alice22

Been trying to fight this depression and just yesterday I managed to cook and do a few chores.  But it's awful still and I'm thinking of going back on an antidepressant, maybe Wellbutrin, since it's not an SSRI and targets dopamine, which I think I'm deficient in. I hope it doesn't interfere with the baclofen.  I wish I never started with any medications, I feel like my brain is irrevocably changed and now I'm trapped into taking drugs for the rest of my life.  I can't stop baclofen because I'm afraid I'll start to drink uncontrollably not to mention the withdrawal.  I just want to know if there will be a time when I will feel comfortable on baclofen and indiffferent to alcohol at the same time.   How many people achieve this long term? 

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and he's all for me going back on an AD, I just was hoping to avoid going back on one, but I cannot go on like  this.  I feel like I'm slipping away some days.  I have so many things I want to do but it's like I have a lead blanket on top of me and can't move. I have barely been able to get out of bed for a week. I've been depressed before but this is different, it's chemical, and I can't wait for it to correct itself on its own. It might never happen. I want to get on with my life now. The funny thing is I will have a stretch of time, 4-5 days, where I feel pretty good, I'm productive, motivated and dare I say, happy.  Then I'll wake up one mornings and it's gone, the sense of well-being.  I'm not sure if it's PAWS, the combination of bac and gabapentin or just regular depression that's always been there, but I need for it to go away so I'm going to try anything that might work. 

A few months ago these feelings would have me  in a bottle 24/7 but now I barely think about it.  It enters my mind for just a second, how a nice creamy Chardonnay would taste so good, then  I "finish the thought" and quickly realize that one glass would be 2 bottles+ and I'd be even more miserable.  So this is something, I guess. 

Thank you for the kind words and suggestions.  I'll get there, just like everybody else here. It's a fight, for sure

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ne1

It's hard, Alice. Damn hard. Everything is a chemical balance, but that's a moot discussion, for all real purposes. 

I hate taking pills. Hate it. And now I have a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a melatonin. Feel panic-y? Take a propranolol. Feel stressed? L-theanine. The list goes on. I'm back to taking a bunch of supplements, too. Mostly B vitamins and some other stuff my doctor thinks are good for the healing brain/body. Not to mention the baclofen. 

I absolutely got to a place where I didn't have SEs from baclofen. You will get there. I don't remember how long it took.

Wellbutrin was on my list, too, for the reasons you mentioned. I don't know if it helped. I don't know if anything could have helped. 

Beautiful post, bacman. Thinking about you watching those fireworks, sober, and spending sober time with your daughter, reflecting on deep thoughts, moves me. 

I have to run. Busy day today and took a three hour nap, so I'm out of time. Ed's on his way home! Gotta run around now and do the things I said I would. Acting "as if" but it still feels good. 

Back tomorrow. 

PS. didn't get any chores done yesterday, at all. It was fun. :$

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StuckinLA

Pills or a drink have always seemed like the answer, @Ne1.

I have never seen so many emails from schools, from work, from the media saying how much they respect diversity. As a white cis hetero male, all I can do is ask everyone I see on the street, in class, in the liquor store, I ask them how I can be of help to them.

We are rising up. WE are the future. Let's do this, kids. 

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Molly78
20 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

Pills or a drink have always seemed like the answer, @Ne1.

I think we alkies are always after a quick fix, aren't we?  I've tried a lot of the supplements recommended on here just for that reason - there must be something that will make me feel better right now this minute.  Surprise!  None of them have worked in that sense.  Not saying they wouldn't help in the long term if I took them daily in a sensible way.

 

22 hours ago, Ne1 said:

And now I have a pill for everything.

I think that's where I was heading, if any of them had worked, I would have used them as a substitute for alcohol.  It's a journey for all of us, isn't it?  Learning about yourself & how to function without alcohol in the picture.  Nearly 3 years sober now & still finding out new things about myself.

I have a whole load of bottles by my bed, some of them containing the stuff that Ne mentioned - L-theanine, 5-HT, valerian root, chamomile, aniracetam, melatonin (that actually works to put me to sleep but I wake up after 2 hours).  I think it's time I dumped the whole lot in the bin & got on with my life without chemical help of any kind.

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Ne1

I don't know if it's just a quick fix we're all looking for and I don't know if it's just us, either. It's hard to be so uncomfortable in my skin. 

I know a lot of people without alcoholism who look to supplements (or some other pill) to get well, feel better, move on. And sometimes pills work! My husband started smoking again two months ago, after a two year hiatus. He started Chantix ten days ago. He doesn't want to smoke. It slays me. The first time he quit, with Chantix, it was at my behest and I took it with him. It made me crazy(er) and had no impact on my smoking. He quit after a couple of weeks. I went from being able to smoke wherever, whenever to being relegated to outside or in my study, which is now sectioned off from the rest of the house. Yes, I know this is an improvement. It's still annoying. 

I wanted to say, though, to @Alice22, and as a reminder to myself, that it DOES get better. I just have to think about @Baclofenman and so many of you that have moved on to help me remember that. You, too, @Molly78. Booze sucks, man. Addiction sucks. The cigarettes are going to kill me, just as surely as booze was, or more certainly and probably horrifically. Cigarettes are so incredibly toxic it makes me sick to think about it, so I light up another one and live in denial. (Talk about a conspiracy worthy of outrage! Nicotine manufacturers are among the most despicable, most murderous sons of assholes ever known. They taught the rest how to be nefarious.) 

On that light note, I'm outta here after a couple more posts. Maybe back to bed (waking up in the middle of the night, thanks to baclofen induced insomnia), maybe to start the day. 

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Ne1

Molly, don't throw them out! I go through a supplement-buying-binge every couple of years and this time I'm keeping them until they expire, dammit. It may take up an entire dresser drawer, but at least I won't have to restock the next time the urge hits. 

I've actually decided to go back to my roots, from way, way back in the day on MWO, when I took everyone's suggestions and did ALL the things, in an effort to be my best self. It worked, I guess. I'm going to start taking those B vitamins again, in spite of the study showing they're associated with premature death, and adding in L-glutamine and some krill oil (the poor Blue Whales need the krill more than I do, I know). It's hard to juggle worrying about all the things when I just want to feel better. Get well, move on, take on the world. :) 

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Reggie

Hi my gorgeous girl?

remember that night you read my post ..about my switch.

repeat history  

 that  distraction will bring you right back to the start. of your 4 to 5 years of sobriety  

NBe you wesober for a long time

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Reggie

my point 

you are getting sober again 

NE you are  getting sober again GO FOR IT just  like you did before

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Ne1
1 hour ago, Reggie said:

my point 

you are getting sober again 

NE you are  getting sober again GO FOR IT just  like you did before

I quoted you! Now it won't go away. ;) I do remember your switch post. Something about a fish? What was the title? It was brilliant. 

That's the plan, Reggie. 

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Ne1
17 hours ago, Molly78 said:

I think we alkies are always after a quick fix, aren't we?  

 

3 hours ago, Ne1 said:

I don't know if it's just a quick fix we're all looking for and I don't know if it's just us, either. It's hard to be so uncomfortable in my skin. 

I changed my mind, again, @Molly78. I think it might be a quick fix and it might be us and people like us. I started to think about all the many people I know that don't talk about supplements and nutrition and the things we (sometimes) obsess about and I realized that they're all not like us in a fundamental way I don't understand. You'd think the doctors and nurses I know would be gobbling pills if there really was an easy way out, without side effects or adverse reactions of some sort. But we don't have that drug, yet. When we get it, and everyone starts taking it, because why not, then we'll really be in a world of painless hurt. I'd take that pill every morning, and regret not having the feels, but I'd still take it. I also can't wait until we can take a pill to replace a meal, despite the fact that Ed's a chef, and we used to love to eat. We fell in love over food, for goodness sakes. Now? Bring on the Soylent!  

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StuckinLA
5 hours ago, Ne1 said:

Bring on the Soylent!  

:D

You know that's really a thing, right? soylent.com 

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Molly78
10 hours ago, Ne1 said:

He started Chantix ten days ago

Remind me again why you guys in the US don't use vapes?  People in the UK have had huge success quitting smoking with them, including my oldest son, a smoker for 20 years, got off cigs in about 2-3 months.

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Ne1

I tried vaping. It made my throat hurt, almost instantaneously. So I bought different brands of the liquid and tried that. Then I bought a different vaping setup and it still happened. Bought yet another one, same thing. It hurts. I've never heard of it happening to anyone else, nor did the friendly folks at the vape shop. I may try again at some point. I abhor smoking. 

I DO know that soylent is a thing. I'm wary. And cheap. Back when I looked into it the first time, it was backordered by about 9 months. They were ramping up production, which could mean compromising the product, and I wasn't ready to dive in. Plus, no way is Ed going to stop eating... Never going to happen. Some day, though...

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StuckinLA

It's nice for a breakfast replacement. Or if you need to take a lunch to save money (though once it's made, it does have to be refrigerated and only lasts a day or two - before it's mixed with water it will outlast the coming apocalypse). And they are on a regular shipping schedule now. They've been tinkering with the formula, and the most recent almost has a taste! :D Still kind of tastes like if you melted oatmeal, though.

Vaping also makes my throat hurt. But I've always tried cheap e-cigs, because I am most in love with the look and feel of a cigarette in my hand. Constantly. Sigh.

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Ne1

Just got on the Soylent website. The powder is backordered. I sent them an email. Doooood. (Nod to @BarrelChested) I am so excited! Have you had the bars? (Also backordered. <sigh>) 

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StuckinLA

Huh, interesting. I haven't been substituting it for food nearly as much as I thought/planned I would. So I've got a bunch here but mostly I've only had the 1.5 and only a little of the 1.6 that caused the problems. But thanks for the link, @Felina!

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BarrelChested
2 hours ago, Felina said:

Eat real food!

We co-evolved with our food. Think of Darwin's finches https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darwin's_finches. Our bodies have evolved to eat "food." Food manufacturers process food to make it more profitable (and increase shelf-life, etc), more convenient (e.g., canned/preserved/frozen/microwaveable/parboiled), accessible (think of the military), or meet some other special need.  But their over-arching responsibility is to increase shareholder value. Your health barely registers on a balance sheet. And a deconstructing a food for economy-of-scale and later putting it back together IS NOT THE SAME THING. Otherwise, they wouldn't have to "fortify" it. Think about that.

Eating truly healthy food is dead simple and easy. Alas, it's not terribly exciting. Nor is it particularly inexpensive.  Unless, of course, you're willing to do a little work. Make fermented foods (rich in beneficial microbes; I make kimchi, kefir, etc). Use a slow-cooker -- takes little effort/time to produce delicious meals. Pressure cookers are miraculous time savers.  Between brown rice (20 min in a pressure cooker), split pea soup (30 min in pressure cooker; yields a week's supply for $3), sweet potatoes (nuke 'em), bananas (a great source of potassium), organic kale/spinach ("superfoods;" consume with fat to maximize benefit) and healthy meats... well, it just doesn't take much effort to be healthy.  I have a webserver (naturally; it's actually a Docker container/VPS) -- if you (pl) would like me to post recipes/etc, let me know.  I was "nearly vegan" for over nine years. And I was damned healthy/strong/etc.  Here's a FANTASTIC site/resource:  http://www.whfoods.org/foodstoc.php

 

Michael Pollan nailed it: "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants."  By "food" he means integral/whole/non-fscked-with foods. 

 

I'm not espousing/endorsing the Paleo movement. Although they seem to accidentally mostly "get it right," their logic is rubbish. Science, yo. 10,000 years ago, our diet has a MASSIVE change. In evolutionary terms, 10K years isn't even a blink.  And seventy years (i.e., the mechanized/industrialized food supply chain) is... well, we're bombarding our bodies with new materials. It causes problems/inflammation/etc.  Here's a valuable example...

When I attended studied Biology at uni, we were told that "ascorbic acid is vit-C is ascorbic acid -- whether it comes from a pure extract or a plant." So, the 500mg tablet is better than the 100mg you'll get from a green bell pepper, right? Nope. We later learned that there are substances in the fruit that help the body uptake the vitamin-C from the green bell pepper. You'll get far more benefit from the bell pepper than the tablet. With the tablet, you're mostly making very healthy urine (eh-hem).  The REASON we're advised to consume vitamins with food is so that the food can help with the uptake. Many vitamins are fat-soluble; if you take these, have some coconut/olive oil with them.  Alas, that's bunk for water-soluble vitamins (e.g., ascorbic acid).  Oh, and FYI; A,D,E, and K are fat-soluble. 

Eat real food. Your risk of over-dosing on the fat-soluble vitamins is negligible, that way (you do need to be careful with this).

Lastly... "follow the money." Vendors sell things to make a profit. At your expense. Be skeptical.  If you do endurance sports, PM me -- or Google it -- for natural/healthy sports gels & bars.  I know that my body VASTLY prefers home-made "gels" (honey, sea salt, blackstrap molasses, etc) -- which do a better job at keeping cramping at bay; this is important after three hours on the bike.

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Ne1
6 hours ago, BarrelChested said:

Science, yo. 

<sigh>

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Molly78

@Felina I love it when people in the US post links to The Guardian!  As a matter of interest, how did you find that article?

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Felina

@Molly78 the Guardian has an online US version that I check out quite a bit, but that wasn't how I found this article. I follow Mark's Daily Apple, a paleo-focused blog that provides very informed content, all backed by science (with links to studies included): http://www.marksdailyapple.com/blog/   The Guardian article was linked on one of Mark's "Sunday Link Love" posts, which are collections of interesting/funny/relevant articles from the week.

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Ne1

I have to admit that despite your best efforts to inform and educate, and the sound reasons for eating whole foods, I am bummed that Soylent isn't available. I'm sure it'll be perceived as an extension of my innate(?) complacency, but I want to fix dinner the way Judy Jetson did, with the push of a button. Even Star Trek had that option. We now have the combadge, only better. And more! Where's the magical instantaneous food? And also the transporter. I really want someone to make that happen. 

Last night Ed showed me a video of a man on a hammock being held aloft and moved around by drones. Reminded me of a kids movie but I can't remember the name. The one with all the obese people on chaise lounges that move them from place to place, with the robot and the plant and the kid? Anyone? 

After seeing a bunch of you Brits talking British stuff on another thread, I googled Honey G and spent too many minutes lost in a google wormhole. Still not sure why she is so vilified, but it's clear that by being vilified she is incredibly well represented in the media. Watching her rap made me giggle a bit. And, well, it goes without saying, her nose. Holy wow, that is quite a schnozz. 

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Alice22

I'm feeling better, just over the past couple of days . I reinstated gabapentin to 900 mg a day at my psychiatrist's suggestion and the depression seems to be lifting. Decided against an AD for now but he suggested a "light box" . You sit in front of it for 30 minutes/day. Typically used for Seasonal Affective Disorder but he says it's used for all types depression.   Insurance is supposed to cover it but they were useless when I called so I'm just going to buy my own. They range in price but you can get one for @$100. So I'm a little excited about that. 

@Ne1 Thanks for the encouragement and I know things will improve because I have hours and days where I feel so much better. And it's like everyone here says, not craving and chasing alcohol constantly is worth the discomfort of SEs, I just hope eventually I feel ok. 

@Molly78you are very right I just want a pill to make me feel better instantly.  I took vyvanse for years (stimulant add med) and I would feel GREAT right after, for a few hours anyway, so I think I'm chasing that feeling. Alcohol did that too.  Now I have to find ways to feel good without chemicals and it's a struggle. I don't have a job or many friends or social connections so I have to build all this stuff back and it's hard especially at my age (55) .  Right now the thought of alcohol makes me sick and the few times I drank on baclofen were not fun. Not like it once was ,  and I know it likely will never feel good again. I miss that. So now I have to be like a normal person and find ways to feel "high on life". 

 

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