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The End of my Addiction
Baclofenman

Checking in - November 2016

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Baclofenman
On 29/10/2016 at 10:54 PM, Nicnak said:

Yes,I will see the doc and see what she can offer me.Thank you

I feel really bad for you Nicnak - My switch to Mylan has really sorted things out

I carried out an experiment over the last couple of weeks, instead of 3 x 10mg Mylan, five times a day I introduced some 25mg Polpharma I had lying around - My constipation returned and within a week of going back to Mylan only I was back to free movement

So I am sticking with Mylan so I have 100 or so Polpharma 25mg tablets in my cupboard if you want to try them?

I know this is going to sound gross but at my worse I was able still able to engage my poo but not get it out - By raising one cheek at a time I was able to coax it out by pressing the skin in, between my inner hip and anus - Obviously if you cannot engage, you will need to get additional help - IIRC not going for 4 or 5 days is considered serious 

Regards 

 

Bacman

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Nicnak

@BaclofenmanI was thinking of ordering a different brand next time I order from Goldpharma and see if that helps the problem

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Baclofenman
11 hours ago, Nicnak said:

@BaclofenmanI was thinking of ordering a different brand next time I order from Goldpharma and see if that helps the problem

If you want to try the Polpharma ones I have send me a PM

Regards

 

Bacman

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Otter

Just thought I would l would post this Soundcloud here.  The lady was going through a court case and she could have lost her child, went into rehab for months to "prove" that she was an ok mother but that left her without baclofen: 

 

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Otter

This story of Patient 6 is sooo illustrative of what happens on baclofen treatment when you are dealing with courts and social workers.  It's a total headf.ck.

You are told that unless you stop drinking, you will lose your child but you know you can't stop because nothing works and no one has any answers except things you have tried and which have failed, like rehab etc.  Then you find baclofen and it works and you tell the child protection officer and they don't want to know, don't believe it, aren't interested.  It doesn't conform to the description of what they expect you to do so they can say they have done their job and tick the boxes for the child protection review.

As a result, you go along with their treatment, which doesn't work and causes you huge anxiety...but that's ok for the social workers because they are used to this, just one of the problems of alcoholism, that even these rehab courses don't ever work, so they are used to it. But they support you because they want to make it look like it worked so they keep giving you more chances to get stressed on treatments that don't work.  If they then see you having trouble on baclofen they blame the baclofen for the relapses along the way.

This lady relapsed at the end of her rehab. That's what happens.  She then goes and gets her baclofen and gets well and sees her social worker and goes to court and they all say "hey look, rehab worked", which is hugely stressful to hear. 

It's really good to see this doctor now promoting this treatment.  She is travelling around the world now promoting it to doctors. The movement has begun for real to roll this out.

 

Nice music track too.  I haven't heard of Soundcloud before.

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Ne1

Well, I'm late. Anyone from my 3D life can tell you that's not really a surprise, as I'm chronically late. 

However, about a month ago, I decided to start being early for things. I can't tell you how difficult it is!! My mind doesn't take time seriously. I have to spend an inordinate amount of time planning to be early, and I'm still often just on time, meaning I'm later than I was planning... It's frustrating, but also rewarding. 

When my husband got his haircut last time, the stylist told him that he knows my appointments run on "Ne-Time". Apparently there's a note in my file so that I'm always scheduled for an extra 15 minutes when I see him. He was pleasantly surprised when I showed up 10 minutes early last week! And I got to catch up on the latest issue of People Magazine. Sadly, since I don't really watch TV or go to the movies I have no idea who half the people are. It made me feel old and out of touch. I'm still reeling from the news that Brangelina broke up, which was like a year ago in gossip-time. And Ed told me that he's with his new costar! What's wrong with that man? (Ok, for the record, I don't really care. It is fun, though, to scroll through the gossip mags.) 

I'm gonna bring a bunch of comments from the October thread over here, so we can continue the conversation! 

Hope it's a good day, folks. 

xx

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Ne1

I'm glad you're going to see the doctor, @Nicnak . Five days is probably too long. And having to use an enema regularly isn't good for you. It might make things worse over the long term. I hope you'll take bacman up on his offer to try a different brand, and I hope it'll help! 

The very first thing I'm going to spend money on when we have extra (after I get a job) is a maid. It's worth every penny, in my book. I HATE cleaning. Who doesn't? 

@Otter, I'll listen to the video later. But you're right. The treatment industry is full of fraud and hypocrisy. Ironically, I'm seriously considering rehab, just to jump start my goal of long-term abstinence. I think (based on hearsay) that because of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) that my health insurance will actually cover it! (Well, with a not-trivial $1000 deductible.) I'm going to investigate it today, actually. 

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Baclofenman
2 hours ago, Ne1 said:

HULLLOOOOOO? :) 

Hello Ne - You ok mate?

I love and hate this time of year - Love the autumn, golden trees, cold weather and frost on the cars in the morning - Fireworks night tomorrow, the little ones love it but its not my bag - 20 years ago this Guy Fawkes night my old friend Steve was killed by a firework in front of his children - Really crap - Enjoy the time but be careful people

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/guy-fawkes-celebration-turns-into-arms-race-1350664.html

Well, after many years I have decided it is time to part company with my beloved car - The toll of the British weather has taken its toll and when the MOT comes due in May next year, it is going to cost quiet a lot to get it sorts - I drove her home tonight feeling very sad - I know it is "materialistic" but she is the best car I have ever owned - I did not shed a tear but I was very melancholy

The two youngest are back at school until Christmas so I have all of Tuesday and Thursday to myself - I generally don't go to my office on these days as I "work from home"  and go in on the other days 

I realise this post is rather British based, sorry BUT wtf is all this UEFA and no poppies in the England/Scotland football match?

Gotta run, "Have I got News for You" has just started

Regards

 

Bacman

 

 

 

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StuckinLA
18 hours ago, Baclofenman said:

Well, after many years I have decided it is time to part company with my beloved car - The toll of the British weather has taken its toll and when the MOT comes due in May next year, it is going to cost quiet a lot to get it sorts - I drove her home tonight feeling very sad - I know it is "materialistic" but she is the best car I have ever owned - I did not shed a tear but I was very melancholy

 

 

Right there with you, friend. I am heartbroken over my car right now. She's been a warrior for me the last 13 years. So many memories, and my last connection to a wholly separate period of my life.

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Otter

I just had an old car I picked up resprayed and I took the dogs out in it.  I left the window open just a bit and they decided to climb out, using their teeth on the rear view mirror to pull themselves through an 8 inch gap. Then they clawed their way down the side of the car, completly screwing up the new paint finish, bite marks on the mirror.  The door is covered with scratch marks right down to the metal.  

We found these two beasts and they are like small horses, a couple of Alsation, Lab crosses.  

 

Boys will be boys.  Next time I'll close the window.  G

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MJM

Just dropping in for a quick hello. Out later this morning on a muscle car club run. I haven't been in a car club for more than 20 years. I don't know if I am doing this to get away from the family for some me time or to ingratiate myself with the club I've just joined so that I can get onto the cheap historic registration scheme they have. Cost of registering a car (has to be 30yrs+ old) is about 10 per cent of what it costs with normal rego.

I feel incredibly sad about some of cars I've sold (I've owned about 70 - lost count now) but usually when I get to the point of letting them go I'm pretty dispassionate about it.

About to sell my run-about car that I bought new 2.5 years ago. Nothing wrong with it but as it appears the bulk of my writing work is changing to another theme, I could do with a vehicle that suits that. This is what I tell myself, anyway!

Effexor gone for just over a week. Sort-of good, sort-of not. Early days but I get the feeling I might cave in and go onto Mirtazapine. I'm moody here and there, and not doing enough to counteract it (exercise, supplements, meditation)

My daughter has been home sick for the last 3 weeks. Bloods are all good, but my Dr sister reckons it could still be glndular fever; just hasn't shown up in the blood yet. Whatever the reason, while it does worry me that she's feeling unwell for so long, it's driving me spare. I work as a full-time freelance writer, but there's not a lot of full-time happening when I'm tending to an 11yr-old child.

Had half a glass of beer last night but really only did it to be socialble. Drinking, even such a small amount, makes me so sleepy in the evening.

In a way it's amazing I can take it or leave it but I don't really like where that's going. Better just to leave it.

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Otter

The conference in Paris went well.  We took the train in from the airport and when we got off at our stop and came up onto the road, the hotel was in front of us.  Very cute little place called the Observatoire Luxembourg:  https://www.google.com.cy/search?q=hotel+observatoire+luxembourg&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj2kKXiv5LQAhVGF8AKHYD5BbwQ_AUICCgB&biw=1440&bih=805  

The lecture theatre was a few blocks away.  We spent the first day walking around the Jardins du Luxembourg. https://www.google.com.cy/search?q=jardins+du+luxembourg&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiI1863wJLQAhXJAsAKHT67BTYQ_AUICCgB&biw=1440&bih=805

The conference was actually a colloquium where the various researchers and professors involved in the baclofen trials gave their updates on what was happening.  Amanda Stafford was there from Australia and there was a businessman from Holland who has set up a baclofen rehab business.  

It seems that two of the trials were successful in showing a good result for baclofen with about 60% of baclofen users showing improvement with either reduced drinking or abstinence.  Two of the trials don't appear to have been very successful in showing baclofen does anything.  There was a lot of discussion about why this was but the result of it was that baclofen now seems headed for approval as a drug treatment for alcoholism in France.  I am not sure when this is going to take place. 

During one of the talks, a man stood up in the lecture theatre and started talking over the speaker, saying that the results of the trials were subjective.  I wasn't paying much attention to him but he seemed very angry and he left as soon as he had finished his comments.  I think what was happening was that the speaker was making fun of the way in which one of the other trials had been conducted and this fellow took offence.  Apart from that, everything went well. I was last to make my presentation and had been sitting from 9 am until 5 pm and by the time I spoke, I was quite stressed from the anticipation of speaking in French in front of a lot of university professors, doctors and baclofen users.  I got through the talk ok but found it quite stressful.  I had some good comments afterwards and I think I got my point across about the legal implications of a new way of looking at alcoholism.

The next day my wife and I went for an open top bus tour of Paris which was a hoot.  What an incredible city.  I recommend that if you go, definitely do the tour because you can jump on and off the bus for three days and see every site in Paris and stay as long as you like before getting on another bus. 

That's about it.  We went home the next day.  Wish we had stayed longer but our son was starting back at school.  

I had a chance to speak to Dr. Stafford.  She is very enthusiastic about baclofen and will be an asset to the alcohol recovery world. She is taking her message about baclofen to doctors in the UK and elsewhere, to talk to hospitals and doctors about prescribing baclofen.  She is a very impressive speaker and puts the case very well.  Since she has first hand experience of baclofen working in very serious cases, it's going to be very hard for any doctors to ignore what she says.  It's very encouraging to hear a doctor speaking in public quite confidently about it. She has the backing of her hospital and the health services in Perth.  The problem in Scotland is that the doctors using baclofen there did not have the backing of their hospitals.  The good thing is that she said that this drug lived up to its promise and did help very serious cases of alcoholism.  She intends to try using this treatment for drug abuse.  Apparently about one third of males in Western Australia have an amphetamine problem.  

Since then we have been trying to get to grips with our own situation.  Lots of problems and changes. Too much to discuss and not a lot of good news, to be honest.  

I was interested to read Neophyte's posts about drinking heavily at the beginning of baclofen treatment.  I would like to know if anyone has that experience and what causes if because we are finding the same, starting over.   Very worrying.  

 

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MJM

Very interesting @Otter.

Was any mention made of the interaction between Baclofen and SNRI and SSRI anti-depressants?

I don't imagine that it has yet been the subject of any research but it would be interesting if any comments were made about it. My very recent experience suggests that SNRIs, at least, don't help Baclofen do its job.

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Molly78

Well done, Otter!

Your paper made some very good points, I'd have been surprised if it hadn't been well received.

It will be interesting to discover whether it can be used for amphetamine addicts. I would have thought opiate addicts would be the logical next step, as users seek the same sort of relief of anxiety as many alcoholics, but maybe that's not such a big problem in Aus?

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Molly78

I just wanted to say I will be thinking of you guys in the USA on election day next week - well, let's face it, so will the whole world!  The outcome matters to all of us & the UK press is suggesting various worrying scenarios.

Posting this now because tomorrow night I'm hosting book group so may not have time to check in.  I know, sad that such an event should take precedence over the fate of the civilised world, but my social diary is so empty that something like this is a Significant Event for me!

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StuckinLA

Bravo, @Otter. I can't even imagine delivering a paper in French. I can barely read French. But I do know how stressful it is delivering papers at conferences in any language. In fact, I am chairing a panel discussion at a conference this coming weekend. I haven't really prepared for it at all, been so busy/stressed with my car and grading student papers and everything else. 

Anyway, I'm glad you had a good time in Paris. It's hard not to have a good time there. If anyone is planning to go, in addition to the tour bus I'd recommend you buy a three-day pass for the Metro. It will save you a lot of money and the subway will take you everywhere. It's not difficult to navigate, either. Easier than the London Underground, in my opinion.

As for the US election, I already voted by mail. All I can say to the rest of the world is that no matter what happens next week, I am sorry. This is such a horror show. Thank god each and every one of us will eventually die, 'cause either of these asshat candidates will ruin the world. Albeit in different ways.

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Ne1
On 11/4/2016 at 6:37 PM, Baclofenman said:

Hello Ne - You ok mate?

Yes. I was just wondering where everyone was and why they weren't checking in. 

That WAS a very British post. You'll have to explain UEFA and poppies. No clue. 

That's so great, Otter! Congratulations. And thank you for being a champion for the cause. 

Stuck, what kind of car did you settle on? I have had an emotional attachment to 2 cars. The first was my favorite, a 1980 BMW 320i. Ed started the car for me on a blustery winter morning, (very sweet). When he opened the door to get out, he didn't look behind him and a car ran into the door and jammed it into the frame. Couldn't be fixed. I tried not to hold it against him, but man. It hurt. Plus I only got about $1000 for it, and had to buy another car. The second was a Volvo, and it was the first car I'd picked out for myself (the others were all hand-me-downs or what I could get super-cheap) and made payments on. That one died in a flood from a hurricane. It filled up with water to the windows, and floated 3 feet from where it was parked! I'd just bought new tires for it and was VERY upset. We bought my grandmother's car when she died. A 2006 Honda with only 36k miles! We'll have that thing for another 10 years, no doubt.

Super-bummer about the paint job and the dogs, Otter. We have a dog we found 9 days ago. New Dog is driving me crazy, and he really needs to go. I think I'm going to try to sit outside the election site tomorrow with a sign about him. Maybe his owners will vote, see the sign and take him home? Dear god, I hope so. 

I cannot wait until the election is over. That's all I'm going to say about it. 

Molly, that's so great about your book club! Yay for you for hosting!! 

MJM, hope you had fun at your car club! Fun hobby, and good for you for getting out for some time on your own, too. Sorry about your daughter! That's miserable for everyone involved, I'm sure. Hope she gets better and back to school very soon! 

20 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

Thank god each and every one of us will eventually die, 'cause either of these asshat candidates will ruin the world. 

lol. Always such an optimist, Stuck. :hug: 

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Otter

Hi.  Yes it was stressful. I have only had one worse experience speaking after police arrested my client while I was interviewing him in a private consultation room just after I got him bail and had to sit around all day and apply for bail again. I started hyperventilating as I spoke and had a full blown anxiety attack.  This wasnt half as bad but I kept losing my breath and kept thinking about that time.

 

The conference only discussed the trial results, no other drugs mentioned.  I felt from comments before and during the talks that the research team were under heavy attack from all sides and that this has been as tough for them as we have found it.  I do not get it at all.  There is so much heat over this medication. It seems to drive people nuts just dealing with the idea rhat it works and here we are several years down the road.

For the sake of humanity I want two thing; baclofen to be licenced for use and for the US Elections to be over. I went to Paris a couple of years ago and every time I said I was Canadian people smiled and said "Rob Ford" so I know the feeling.  lol

Just had the car exhaust pipe fixed,  next the paint.  My wife backed up our Jeep and jammed the door.a.couple of weeks ago as well.  I had only just had some repair work done after backing it into a tree.  Why can't they make a car out of rubber....

 

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StuckinLA

I have those sweating, hyperventilating panic attacks every afternoon in front of my class. I force through it, of course, but I know how rough that is, @Otter.

Ne, I decided on a Ford Focus, the sedan not the hatchback. Good gas mileage, and it's not too sporty. So it will look tough when it's dirty, because I'm not going to wash it ever. I know myself too well. I've only ever had 3 cars. The one I have now is an old Ford Taurus. It has dents and scrapes in all kinds of weird places. One day it was parked in my parents' driveway, and a vent cover fell off the house and dented the front passenger side quarter panel. My dad felt so bad, he wanted to pay to fix it. My thought was that this was so badass. Anyway, this car has been with me for 13 years. My first car I have so much love for it hurts. Still have a picture of it on my fridge. 

I love you all so much. I am hurting right now. Just another day, right?

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Molly78

The only car I have ever had from new was a Volvo estate back in the 80s.  When it got damaged by a truck & had to be written off I went out to the garage the night before it was towed away & wept on its bonnet.  It had taken my kids on all the school runs safely.  I also felt very emotional when I had to give up the Rav4 last year - I loved that car.  I don't feel the same about the Yaris Hybrid I have now (it's out on the drive, hope it didn't hear me say that.......)

Well book group went OK.  My choice of exotic nibbles from Waitrose wasn't fully appreciated - golden berries (Andean superfruit) anyone?  Apparently not.  I know the dog will eat them, but should she?  My choice of book for next time is Alan Clark's Diaries.  Won't mean anything to you guys in the US, but he was a British politician who kept a photo of Hitler on his desk, had extreme right wing views, was very rich & had a really high opinion of himself.  Always hoped to be PM but never got there, thank God. In his time he was the man everyone loved to hate. Remind you of anyone?

I drank a lot of wine, about 7 or 8 units (nearly a whole bottle) because I was nervous.  Feel surprisingly OK this morning, but the thought of wine now makes me feel a bit sick.  Result!

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Ne1

Here for you, Stuck. Sorry about all the car damage, Otter. I'm with Stuck on this one... We just don't get them fixed. We have a big truck that sits in the driveway, except when we take on a new project, that has a dent in the fender where a turkey flew into it! My dad was driving it near their home in a very rural area, and BAM! The dent is huge, 'cause those birds are big. He got out, threw the dead turkey in the back, took it home and put it in the freezer in the garage. For like a year. Every time you opened the fridge, there was big dead turkey feet stickin' straight out of it. He also wanted to pay to have it fixed and we were like, "um, we'll take the cash." ha! Not really. Truth is, I run into things, and if we fixed every dent and ding, we'd be forever getting it fixed and painted. 

We looked at the Focus, too, Stuck. I wasn't ready to trust American, yet. 

There was a poll in this month's VF that asked who the most influential politician in history was. A lot of the answers were US-centric, but I thought the best answer was... Hitler. How horrifying is that? 

I made the mistake of taking a book recommendation from someone on the other recovery website. It's called Death Wish. Lo and behold, it's yet another memoir all about having a spiritual awakening in order to combat addiction. *heavy sigh* REALLY? I bet @Otter that the contention about baclofen specifically and meds in general has to do with getting rid of that convention more than any other single factor. You know? Even the NCADD lists it as a spiritual malady, ffs. *VERY heavy sigh* (and yes, I'm well aware of the fact that I'm spiritually un-awakened, but so is the vast majority of humanity, time out of mind. It's the basis of every philosophy until Freud, for goodness sakes. And who was the post-Freudian psychoanalyst that told AAers they needed a true and profound spiritual awakening? I guess I do need to go back to AA if I've forgotten the name of that guy!) 

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StuckinLA

I love addiction memoirs. I will read the first ¾ of every one of them on the planet. Right up until the spiritual awakening part, and then I'm done.

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StuckinLA

Also, I am going up to 50 today. Splitting it now - took 25 this morning, and going to take another 25 when I get home tonight.

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Otter

Ne, I don't even know what spirituality means.  My wife says she is spiritual but that hasn't helped her one bit.   When she drinks, she becomes even more "spiritual" but she knows that baclofen works because it just does and that's all there is to it.   

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Ne1
34 minutes ago, Otter said:

 When she drinks, she becomes even more "spiritual" but she knows that baclofen works because it just does and that's all there is to it.   

I had a sponsor once, whom I looooved, who said that we drink in a search for God/the divine. I thought I was just looking for a good time. ;) 

Stuck, I CANNOT STAND addiction memoirs. That said, even this smarmy one is giving me food for thought, so I think I'll finish it. The only one I've ever liked, and I loved it, is Drinking: A Love Story. Every other one, and even that one, is all about the steps, how they worked for the person, and why we should do them. I've done them. More than once. Never had 30 days sober, outside of rehab, and never was able to sponsor someone, but other than that? Yep. Done that. 

That's a big jump up on bac for you, isn't it? I thought I was the only one willing to double my dose over night. Despite the fact that I tell everyone never, ever to do that. Bac+time=indifference. At least that's the way it worked for me before. Not so sure about this time... 

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Otter

it seems harder the second time.  I liked Amanda Stafford's explanation on her websire of why baclofen doesn't work for some people.  Apart from it going out of the system after only 4 hours, there are some psychological reasons, such as the alcoholic not engaging in the treatment themselves, and a passive-aggressive attitude.  I think these apply to us.  Here I am on this website, dealing with this issue again.  I learn something, but so what.  I'm not drinking.   What does one do for a loved one who has her own mind?   Last time it took being scared half to death.  This time?  I dunno.  We've had an awful year.  My father in law died last November.  He fell after getting out of a taxi after visiting us.  He was very frail, had suffered a stroke and was admitted to hospital while visiting us but despite someone turning up at the airport to make sure he was ok, no one bothered to help him out of the car, so he fell down on the curb and fractured his hip.  That lead to a long stay in hospital and some near death situations.  My wife was flying back every month to see him.  He recovered but then had a huge internal bleed and went just like that.  

 

Then we took on this old lady who was in hospital and had her in our home for five months caring for her while I gutted her house and hired people to look after her.  It was very stressful because she was 91 and had challenging behavioural and health problems.  She is absolutely fine now and living in her own home with 24 hour care.  

My mother in law, through this became more demented by the month and in about March, she gave her entire life savings away to some guy who conned her on the phone.  Then she came over and refused to stay with us after my wife had flown back to help her pack her bags.  She just got up and left while we were at a restaurant on the second day of her stay with us, wanted to see her granddaughter and ggkids.   Absolutely ripped my wife's heart out and no one spoke to her in the family since then except to say she had to go back to look after the old bat because no one could cope with her.  She apparently thinks there is a crowd of people living with her in her home and she makes them all meals.  Two families with four incomes back there and my wife's daughter here who makes big bonce in iVF and can cruise from New York to Orlando with an entourage, but we have no income and are supposed to go back to filthy, drenched Glagow to look after a woman who doesn't have the decency to even say good bye when she goes home from her holiday, nor does anyone else in that side of the family have the courtesy to pick up the phone.  Here I am writing about how anxiety causes alcoholism, in French, to speak at a conference and these prigs are all sending emails telling me I don't know what I am doing and my wife should see a psychiatrist.  Same old shite.  The trip to Paris and a load of birthdays to which we weren't invited or welcome and that corked it.  The world is a fecking awful place sometimes.  it's awash with booze and everyone has an opinion and everyone is right except those who actually take the time to find out what the right answer is.  They get laughed at and ignored. 

Then, to top it off, you can't go to a familiar place, a simple forum to shoot the breeze without some deranged psychopath stalking you and making a complete idiot of himself.  

And then we have to endure the world's worst circus act in the news every day with Ronald McTrumpet running for world's most powerful pussy groper.  At least it will be over soon.

Is there a God?  Really?  I should go to Alanon and release myself into the hands of a higher being.  Just think, it might be a big man with a strange orange hairdo. lol

 

 

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Mom2JTx3

Oh my, peeps.  At least we're in this together.  I'm looking forward to today being over.  Someone posted the most appropriate thing on FB.... "everyone get out there and vote against someone today". Yup.  That's what I did.

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Ne1

I am still very moved by voting and teared up at the polls today. I'm tellin' ya', going to DC and seeing some history really put this thing into perspective for me. I'm very happy to have voted. (Holy cow, all these positive thoughts? Maybe this means I'm not depressed anymore?) And you know what? Y'all can't rain on that parade. :) 

Speaking of history, my parents went to the African American History Museum last weekend and were amazed. Can't wait to go, but will wait until next year because even with a (still FREE!) ticket, they had to wait and the crowds were enormous. So while you guys are jet-setting it around the world, and presenting papers and being the cool kids, I'm going to take myself to DC again and whip up some history, baby. 

Otter, I'm so sorry. It's been really hard for me the second time around, too. I don't know why. I'm not less willing. I'm not...anything different, I don't think. I am, like I guess you guys are, less desperate. And yes, everyone having an opinion is hard. Anxiety making on top of anxiety inducing life, man. Just hang in there. And we don't need to be on a stinkin' place where there's stinkin' thinkin' (omg, AA. Sorry.). We have this place. :) Thank all that matters in the universe. 

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Ne1

And I swear I'm sober. I don't know why I am so... :) 

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