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Ne1

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Ne1

I was so excited to start a new thread, a new written chapter for the new metaphorical chapter of new sobriety. Sunshine! Rainbows! Unicorns! 

Yesterday my alarm went off at 7:30am to remind me it was time to leave for my national certification exam. The exam was at 8. I still can't believe I forgot to reschedule it. 

I was in the middle of composing a post here, but I decided to just take the damn thing. Replaced my pajamas with some almost as cozy, but socially acceptable clothes, wash face, baseball cap, and out the door. Hit rush hour traffic and still made it there at 8:03. (Time IS relative. I keep trying to convince my husband of that fact. I know I've got it backward, since Einstein was trying to prove that time is not actually malleable. Or something like that. Way over my head. I think time is malleable and most people just don't know it. I have no attachment, unfortunately, to clocks.) 

So I took it. I don't know officially yet, but I know I failed it. Don't encourage me to think positive! It's okay. I mean, it's not okay. It's humiliating. But I haven't opened a book or picked up a notecard in a month. I couldn't remember the difference between Addison's and Cushing's, and lamented the easy access to google. What's the range for ammonia, again? pfffft. Whatever.

I won't be able to take it again until next year and I was absolutely determined to have it done with (and all the other stuff that's been weighing on me for the last two years of active alcoholism) in 2016. Goodbye 2016! Hello sunshine and rainbows and unicorns! <sigh>

Came home completely deflated and slept for 6 hours, got up and was still empty of thought for the rest of the night. Which was actually really nice. No anxiety, which I'm battling with every breath, and no guilt, or demands or anything permeated that fog. Made a nice dinner, watched Saving Grace and fell into bed at 9pm. 

About starting a new thread: There are plenty of things in my life that lend themselves to remaining humble and plenty of lessons yet to be learned. I don't want to live in the old space, in my head or on this forum. The words are there, people can read them if they want. It's not conducive to positivity to feel shame about where I live. And, well, it's about me. (This is a theme going on in other parts of the forum. I'm pretty sure it's not just about me, actually. There's a bigger picture I'm still yearning to be able to see.) 

My family is thrilled that I took the exam, and my mom is convinced I passed. (How could I not? pffft.) Now that that particular onus is taken care of, I can move on free of guilt about not studying every day. I have other, more important things to do. I'm going to take @Cassander at his word and get out on a really great new trail with the dog this morning. (Exercise and Nature, too!) Then I'm going to go to the gym to make Lo0p proud. 

I've already forgotten what day I'm on, and don't care anymore. I love the clarity of thought, looking forward to being able to consistently put thought into action. My last drink was on... Sunday, November 6th. Now it's official and I don't have to count! 

Peace out, peeps. Thank you. xx

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Molly78
11 hours ago, Ne1 said:

I've already forgotten what day I'm on, and don't care anymore

That's the spirit, Ne!

Hope you enjoyed the walk with Pete.

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Ne1

Thanks, Molls. I had a great 4 mile walk with Pete. We went to the beach, which is 2 miles from here, instead of the woods. Haven't been in a long time. The water used to terrify her, yesterday it was all I could do to keep her from swimming! I got wet up to my knees. I saw a pod of dolphins! The beach is on the Chesapeake Bay estuary. I didn't know dolphins came this far up. It was a special treat.

I did not work out. I'm disappointed about that, but looking forward to doing it today. I can just see lo0p rolling his eyes. 

There's a backdoor way to check and see if I passed the exam, before the official results are available. It's not 100% reliable, but it's a good indicator. I checked. I didn't pass. AAAAARGH. I can't believe I have to do it again. I refuse to give into humiliation and shame, but it's still frustrating. So ridiculous that I failed a test. So, so ridiculous. 

I'm going to try to get everything set up to take the exam again next month so I don't carry it into 2017.

Update on Charlie (New Dog): His new family loves him. I had a moment, when his "mom" texted me to ask if I'd heard anything from his previous owners. I told her I hadn't, and with a sense of dread, said that if she wanted to foster him, I would make that happen, and that if he didn't fit, we would take him back. (Thinking, please NO!) She reassured me that she was only asking because it was so hard to believe that they weren't missing him. He's such a good dog! And he is. Sorta. Still a husky without enough training or manners... Anyway, he's found his forever home and everyone is happy about it. Whew! It now feels like a dog-rescue-mitzvah instead of a burden or crisis. :) 

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Ne1

Just in case there was any doubt about the fact that I can make idiotic decisions, I'm going to share what I've been doing with baclofen. 

When I stopped drinking, and was still craving, I stopped titrating up and jumped from about 240mg to 300mg. Needless to say, it was a mistake. One I've made many times and advise others to avoid. JKTTP, but do it reasonably! is my standard advice. 

It only took a couple of days for the side effects to move from annoying to overwhelming. Insomnia and somnolence. Zaps in extremities. I get a weird intermittent buzzing in the back of my head that I've never heard anyone mention before. Nausea. Chronic pressure headache. Crazy weird dreams that are so real that when I wake up, I'm not sure if they are real or a figment of my imagination. 

So stupid. 

I've gone back down. 220mg was my old maintenance dose (indifference at 320mg the first time.) I'm not sure what I'll do from there. Stay there is what my voice of reason tells me to do. 

I'm not going to rehab. Don't need it and I'm pretty sure I would loathe it. As nice as it would be to get away, it would not take long before I chafed at the rules and regs, not to mention the lack of solitude. I need space and quiet and to be alone a lot in order to be okay. 

Off to walk Pete in the woods. After a breakfast made of real food.  

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StuckinLA

I've heard of the buzzing in the ears. [Edit: I haven't *heard* the buzzing myself] Not sure if on the boards or reddit or one of those medication info sites that allows show up first in google. [Second Edit: stop listening to loud music in your headphones, Ne ;)]

Edited by StuckinLA
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Molly78

I get buzzing in the ears - @Ne1 mentions she gets it in the back of the head.  I've never heard of that either.

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Ne1

Yes, it's the back of the head. Very weird. I had it the last time, too. Fortunately, all of this is easily remedied with a reasonable, regular titration schedule. 

Really difficult day yesterday. I crashed and burned. I can't pretend I'm not devastated by the results of the exam and full of regret about not studying for it at all. But that wasn't all of it. 

I reached out to some friends, three women I've known for 7 years, to come over for dinner on Saturday night. (Yay, me!) These friends are among the few in my life that have no idea at all about alcoholism, about online forums, about this aspect of me. We are all very different. Remarkably so. I was prepared to tell all, after all these years. I didn't hear back from any of them, and told myself lots of stories about how they'd moved on without me. I was relieved that I hadn't completely opened my heart and soul to people who could be so callous. 

The responses started about 10:30pm last night (long past my bedtime) and kept up for an hour. Turns out they're busy! Turns out they were trying to figure out how to make Saturday work. Turns out that it had (surprise!) nothing to do with me. 

The amazing thing is that I didn't think about drinking. Not once. I didn't even realize that I didn't think about drinking until I set the table for dinner and got us beverages. Didn't even fill the gap with NA beer! Huh. So maybe this is what indifference looks like this time around? 

I woke up this morning with my almost constant headache. I've taken some aspirin and an allergy medication. (Pills! I know it makes you cringe, @Molly78) I hope to be on my feet and eager to face the day sometime soon. I've decided to be copacetic with whatever today brings, though. Maybe a leisurely walk with Pete, instead of focusing on mileage and time. Doing the things on my to-do list that aren't completely onerous, but will make me feel better and make my husband happy. Studying. <sigh> 

Any fans of Byron Katie? I'm rereading her book, Loving What Is. Choosing thoughtful podcasts, too. (Still actively avoiding news. Much as I miss the routine of making dinner listening to Kai Ryssdale, I just can't right now. Not until the world, and my liberal news media of choice, calms the f*ck down.) And music! 

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Molly78
1 hour ago, Ne1 said:

(Pills! I know it makes you cringe, @Molly78

No, not at all when it comes to headaches!  Pop a pill & get on with life!

I was meaning in my previous post looking for a pill that made life generally better, elevated mood within the hour etc.  The Holy Grail in other words, the alcohol substitute.  No, analgesics are a necessity of life, used judiciously of course.

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Ne1

I don't know what it is about the gd exam. I started studying (again) today and my stomach is in knots. I just don't get it. It's just a test, ffs. It's not like I don't know this stuff. I graduated with honors and I don't mind telling you, a pretty stellar GPA. Why do I feel like I've been punched in the belly, just from printing out some information and making some notes about it? 

Anyone have any answers? 

Didn't think so. 

I WILL have this gd, mf, son of a dog done this year. I will NOT go into 2017 with this hanging over my head. It's just a test. 

Back to it, then.

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StuckinLA

That's mfing right. @Ne1. You're going to get this SOB done. But the important part isn't 2017, it's getting back up and doing The Work. (I capitalized that to separate it from regular work - I know you've been working your butt off on this, on a lot of things, I am not belittling your effort in any way.)

If I can share my own experience and mistake, the last time I was Sober it was 3 or 4 weeks at the end of summer. Told myself I would finish the novel come hell or high water, that the only way I could stand going back to work, to this job I hate, was if I had a finished book and was actively looking for an agent. Damn, I worked hard, I really did. I revised from the beginning and got through maybe almost 200 pages but that is only like ½. Going back to work, I was crestfallen. Really torn up. And I started drinking again and haven't touched the book since. And haven't gotten Sober, either. 

That is not the way to go. It's The Work that matters. The getting up every day and doing what you know you need to do, and only you know what that is (speaking in the general second-person, now). The outcome is much less important. If Dec. 31 comes and goes, keep going. I have faith that it won't, that you will be successful before then. But if you're successful in February instead? So what.

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Ne1

You're so right, Stuck. Thank you. I can't believe how much I'm getting from hanging out on this anonymous online forum for drunks. Food! Focus! Fun! And kind, supportive advice. 

Last night after dinner, I closed the kindle, turned on some music and got busy in my study. (Please, for the love of Pete, do not attach links here showing that reading on electronic devices destroys mitochondria or something. Please. Leave me my kindle.) I pulled out the vacuum a couple of days ago. It's just been sitting there silently reproaching me for my laziness. I used it. And cleaned the windows! Dirty windows are damn depressing. When Ed wakes up I'm going to hang the pictures that have been piled up under the desk for a year. Or longer. I was afraid to put them up because we have plaster walls, not drywall. You make a hole and you're committed, or you're going through a multi-step process to repair the wall. Commitment being one of those things I was deathly afraid of, and the repair work seemed so daunting if I changed my mind (also one of the things I do often), the pictures have just been sitting there. No more! I will not be afraid of holes in my walls! Woot! Oh, and I'm going to pack up all my textbooks and figure out what to do with them. I loathe looking at them. Even used, they were a fortune. GD textbook racket. 

Busy (for me) day today. Walking, studying, helping my friend at the farmer's market, eating, cleaning some more... Things the rest of the world takes for granted as just part of daily living. 

Borrowing Byron Katie's book Loving What Is from my therapist today. It's one of the books I purged when I got rid of all of my self-help books. I remember it being helpful. We'll see. 

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Mom2JTx3

@Ne1 can you use those command hook picture hangers?  No commitment.  They really work.

I would sell those books back if I were you :) 

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Ne1

They work? I'll try it. Thanks for the suggestion.

I may sell them, may give them, still haven't decided. 

A FULL 8 hours of solid sleep last night. The dog didn't even wake me up. First time in weeks. 

Headed off for Thanksgiving this evening with a bevy of things to do to get ready.

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Ne1

It's been a week since I posted here. Too long! Maybe not for you guys, but for myself, it's not wise to let it all build up and leave this space blank. 

I went to a Civic League meeting for the first time in 3 years, something I never could or would have done while drinking. Met the mayor and some other dignitaries and functionaries. I'll tell you, it's something to be in a room of only about 12 people with the full attention of someone who (purportedly) makes stuff happen. I wish I'd brought a list! The guy who DID bring a list was very concerned about the flooding on his street. ("Never in my 55 years of living there have I seen anything like this last flood." Were I the mayor, I would have said, "stop watching bullshit news. It's called global warming and in 50 more years, your street will literally be part of the Chesapeake Bay." This is why I cannot be mayor or anything else having to do with the public.) The guy with the list then moved on to his concerns about traffic. What is it with old people and traffic? There are three schools within walking distance of our neighborhood, only one of them accredited and that one still failing. And he is obsessed with the new bumper placed outside of a church to direct traffic? Are you kidding me? And that is why I hate our Civic League meetings and haven't been in 3 years. But I will go again next time and try to figure out a way to say that nicely. 

Cleaned my study for the first time in years. Going to pack up my textbooks, which are worthless in dollars because the textbook industry is evil and my 2012 editions are outdated. But I'm donating them, and my uniforms and other paraphernalia, to the school, so there's that. At least they're worth more than a bonfire. And they will be GONE! Yay! All of my meaningful books, and some of the stuff I like to look at, are crammed into the guest room. I'll have a couple of free shelves to fill up with stuff I love instead of stuff I loathe. 

There's more stewing in my brain, I suppose, but I've used up my words for now. 

 

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Ne1

Reggie, dammit, do I need to quote you when I want to respond so I don't sound like I'm talking to myself? For those who didn't catch it, Reggie knows I had extreme paranoia about spiders (since recovered, mostly) and he posted about Huntsman spiders in Australia. Which are scary as nightmares, even for people with sane reactions to spiders. That's why I posted this: 

On 11/22/2016 at 7:20 AM, Ne1 said:

Grabbing the spider by the, um, legs, Reggie. ;) 

Completely different topic: I want to note that I started splitting up my doses of baclofen a little while ago and it has made a HUGE difference in my well being. Insomnia and somnolence gone. Headaches gone. Stomach upset gone. 

Intermittent malaise still troubling, but new sobriety can suck. Just trying to take it in stride and do the next right thing. <sigh>

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Ne1

I thought I had so much to say, and couldn't wait to get up this morning and post here. Now I can't remember what was so compelling. <sigh> 

I didn't get off the couch yesterday, and didn't study. Didn't even walk poor Pete. Tried really hard not to feel badly about it and just go with the flow. Feelings, man. I don't get 'em, especially since I have too many of them and none of them seem to help me be productive. 

Then Ed got home and was pissed (angry, not drunk) and we didn't speak for the whole night. He left for work without saying goodbye, too. Whatever. I'm sick of his resentment. It makes me sick(er). In the book Lust and Wonder, Augusten Burroughs talks about how his partner for years just didn't get him. Resented his online time, his reading and his writing; just didn't understand him at all. Obviously, they fell out of love, (were they ever in it?) and separated. Burroughs is now happily married to his editor, after he finally realized the the editor actually knew him (after reading his deepest, darkest for so many years) and loved him in spite of, or because of, his foibles.

Of course, in my own marriage, we have much of the same foibles. (In Burroughs' words, "Catastrophizing!") And both have alcoholism. If there's anyone who should get it, get me, it's Ed. I get him. Why is he so obtuse? Why is that my problem? (Well, because he's going to leave me eventually and I don't think I want that, despite my current level of anger and angst.)  

Now I feel like he's going to think that anything I do today, any productivity or positivity, is a response to his anger and resentment. Honestly, it makes me want to get drunk as a great big "eff you" to him. But, well, I've stated repeatedly and completely believe that my drinking has nothing to do with him or us or any single other factor. (Except my fucked up brain chemistry.) Not going to change that now. Plus, I don't want the damn hangover. 

I cancelled my appointment with my pDoc/therapist this morning. Not much to say and feel like I have work to do, the work I know I have to do but can't/won't, and talking to her about it isn't going to change anything at the moment. Probably would have, and I probably should have kept the appointment, but blech. Just want to get some stuff done around here, and don't know how she could help with that. (So contradictory. I see on here, and in 3D, that people don't reach out just when they should. Or they give up just when it starts to get hairy, which is when the magic happens. I'm referring to therapy, not other stuff, though it's probably true for other stuff, too.) Anyway, next appt is on Monday, so no long lasting harm.

Had fun delving into and reading research related to alcoholism this morning. Led me down a rabbit hole into so much more info. If only Ed could appreciate the fact. It would be great to talk to him about this (EOMA, treatment, alcoholism, biology, epigenetics) and so many other things. He's too angry. 

In completely unrelated news, I'm thinking about getting a job. Any job. Not sure how to do that, but, well, I'm thinking about it. (It's not that unrelated, actually. If I had a job, even one making minimum wage [gulp], it would go a long way to alleviating Ed's anger.) (I suck at working. True fact. Haven't really tried it sober, though, I'm afraid and ashamed to say.) 

 

 

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Molly78
3 hours ago, Ne1 said:

I cancelled my appointment with my pDoc/therapist this morning. Not much to say and feel like I have work to do, the work I know I have to do but can't/won't, and talking to her about it isn't going to change anything at the moment. Probably would have, and I probably should have kept the appointment, but blech.

No, you were right to cancel.  Talking about stuff is often a substitute for actually doing it.  Alcoholics are often prone to this - probably other people are as well, but I can't speak for them.

 

3 hours ago, Ne1 said:

In completely unrelated news, I'm thinking about getting a job. Any job. Not sure how to do that, but, well, I'm thinking about it. (It's not that unrelated, actually. If I had a job, even one making minimum wage [gulp], it would go a long way to alleviating Ed's anger.) (I suck at working. True fact. Haven't really tried it sober, though, I'm afraid and ashamed to say.) 

GOOD DECISION!  I think this possibility has been discussed before in another thread.  Working complements being sober in many ways - getting out of the house, meeting people, earning money, just make you feel good about yourself.  Go for it!

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Felina
On 11/30/2016 at 7:25 AM, Ne1 said:
On 11/30/2016 at 7:25 AM, Ne1 said:

In completely unrelated news, I'm thinking about getting a job. Any job. Not sure how to do that, but, well, I'm thinking about it. (It's not that unrelated, actually. If I had a job, even one making minimum wage [gulp], it would go a long way to alleviating Ed's anger.) (I suck at working. True fact. Haven't really tried it sober, though, I'm afraid and ashamed to say.) 

Quick drive-by comment. I'll be back with more commentary after next week. But I really think this is a great idea. Having a job that makes you feel useful/productive etc. can be such a huge confidence booster. I really think you'd do well wth a social service type of job.  And there are usually plenty of those available, since a lot of them don't pay terribly well. 

*Edit: Not sure how I did that double-quote deal, but I don't have the mental energy to figure it out ATM so it will have to stand. :)

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Ne1

Thanks for the encouragement! This isn't anything long term. Still focused on the exam, though can't schedule it before the end of the year. 

I'm going to the mall (eek!) this morning to apply for jobs. Figure that it's easy to get and relatively easy to do. I was in retail for a hundred years in my 20s. Swore I'd never go back. But I'm actually very eager, now. Two problems: 1. I think I have 3 outfits that fit this body and don't include yoga pants. 2. We're supposed to go to Maryland right after xmas through NYE. Won't be able to do that if I get a job in retail. Having a job will be worth missing those celebrations, though. 

Can you guys think of any place else I can work for the next 4-6 weeks? 

Ed and I still aren't speaking. Don't care. It was such a relief not to bear the brunt of his resentment and anger last night, or worse, pretend nothing was wrong. Plus, I really don't want him to think that all of this productivity is a result of that anger. You know? Positive reinforcement for stuff I won't live with for the rest of my life. Cleaning out the guest room today so I can sleep in there. 

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StuckinLA

@Ne1 this turn kinda concerns me. Sleeping apart, that's a step down a particular path and I am sorry to hear that things are going that way. I hope you both come together at some point soon. And that he stops being an angry ***hole. From one guy with relationship problems to a gal with marriage troubles, I feel ya', sister. This sucks and there isn't dick to do about it, it just sucks.

Retail probably is your best bet, maybe Cinnabon? Aren't there like a dozen of those fatty amazing delicious stores in every mall?

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Nicnak
On 30/11/2016 at 1:25 PM, Ne1 said:

And both have alcoholism. If there's anyone who should get it, get me, it's Ed. I get him. Why is he so obtuse? Why is that my problem? (Well, because he's going to leave me eventually and I don't think I want that, despite my current level of anger and angst.)  

I don't know why but I don't "get" my husband,well since I got indifferent anyway.I don't get why he did this to us and why he couldn't stop drinking before he went to prison,but that's prob got a lot to do with my indifference.

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Ne1

Nah, it's going to be okay, Stuck. I mean, I guess, one way or another, it'll work out. I need some space from his judgment and resentment. He needs to do him, without having me as a scapegoat. He tried to talk to me yesterday, and was very reasonable. But I am not feeling very reasonable about the situation. If I had a solution to fix me, I would have done it by now. Obvs. Here's the kicker though. About six weeks ago, he told me how much he appreciated me and asked what he could do to support me. He asked me, in our therapists version of how to communicate, what I need from him to feel supported. I told him I needed him home more in order to feel supported. Especially since back then it was much easier to abstain if he came home early or was off for the day.

The next week he worked 7 days in a row. To add insult to injury, the 7th day was at a boozy function, and his assistant was responsible for driving the staff to and from the event in a big van. The assistant wanted to get lit, so Ed agreed to drive. Turned into a 14 hour day. I didn't say anything because therapist keeps encouraging me to be supportive and blah, blah, blah. pfffft. I mentioned it yesterday and he said he doesn't believe me that he worked 7 days in a row. Not to mention that, with the exception of Thanksgiving week when we went away, he has been working 50-60 hours a week. 

I wouldn't begrudge him the time if he wasn't doing MUCH more than is expected of him. It would have been so easy for him to tell boozy assistant no and come home for dinner. That kind of stuff happens over and over again. He, and our therapist, insist that it's not reasonable for me to determine how much and when he should work. And it's not! But there is a long history of him over-working, over-doing it, to the exclusion of all else. (Sound familiar?) 

On top of it, he just doesn't appreciate, or even notice, what I actually do. So it's a double whammy. I'm sick of it. 

@Nicnak, I understand what you're saying. I do. But we have the opposite situation in our house. I was and am completely supportive of him. I was furious about his DUIs, but moved on. And this isn't about booze anymore, either. We're not drinking. I just have no energy, no motivation, and some days can't/won't/don't change out of pajamas. His judgment doesn't make me feel better. I feel like it just compounds the cycle of self-recrimination and loathing. I can't take it anymore. 

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Ne1

I'll be back later to check in and read how everyone is doing. I got a job at a part-time small non-profit last week and started on Thursday. :) And hosted friends for dinner last night, which meant cleaning and preparing and whatnot. So busy! Sorry for delayed absence. Looking forward to catching up with everyone later today. 

Hope all's well! 

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Baclofenman
On 02/12/2016 at 6:52 PM, Nicnak said:

I don't know why but I don't "get" my husband,well since I got indifferent anyway.I don't get why he did this to us and why he couldn't stop drinking before he went to prison,but that's prob got a lot to do with my indifference.

 

I think indifference has a lot to do with our outlook, especially when alcohol is concerned

The Pianna went out the other week, got pissed and passed out on the bathroom floor - I was less than amused and told her so - Many times... - I feel upon finding a "level" where alcohol means nothing to us (me certainly) we become quite abhorrent of someone using alcohol to an extent that they fuck up - In the Pianna's case by getting so pissed she passed out and in your husbands case, (although not pissed to that degree) do what he did

I think sometimes it is important to consider "there but for the grace of god go I" - I don't mean to tolerate this type of behaviour but just to remember that at one time or another, we were not so perfect where alcohol is concerned...

Kind Regards

 

Bacman

 

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