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The End of my Addiction
Mom2JTx3

Checking In - March 2017

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StuckinLA

I forgot it wasn't leap year, so I was up pretty late finishing a letter of recommendation for a former student applying to grad school, which was due today. Slow morning.

Hope everyone's having a good one.

@SKendall sorry to hear about your expenses and suffering at the hands of the world's most hated subsection of medical professionals. Hope all is well soon!

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Chuck

Hey everyone,

Still going strong here, "when it rains it pours" is apt for this past month (February); so many health issues of all sorts and sizes, mine and others' being addressed, as well dating, drinking to relax/cope, Dexing (using Dextromethorphan or DXM) to stay happy/cope, or should I say drinking as a crutch and Dexing as a crutch.

My mom has chronic pain from compressed discs in her back, she had surgery scheduled, but an insurance problem came up at the last minute, and while the surgeon was explaining his solution he became verbally hostile. So she cancelled the surgery, she's getting acupuncture, and she has to start from scratch finding a new surgeon exploring new options, but I think it was a smart move nonetheless, ditching the errant doctor and insurance mess - with surgery, you should know exactly what's to be done and how it will be covered.

Remember a few months ago, maybe when I joined, I mentioned "the love of my life"? Well I got in touch with him. By text. Lame. But it's good. Because there was something he said: "I'm perfectly happy with the guy I'm dating now". That's how he's always been - content, perfectly happy - and always will be. He will always be perfectly happy. But I want more. I want love, romance, a REAL relationship, with legs, with commitment. So he's no longer the love of my life, I've moved on, and I'll let him be... perfectly happy.

I continue to drink in moderation and the occasional excess, but it's under control, and I still hungrily, VORACIOUSLY, seek people interested in and willing to try and duplicate my successfull self-treatment for overdrinking using Dextromethorphan (DXM, Dex).

Cheers, and STRENGTH as we tackle this perennially difficult time of year, as we MARCH on.

Christopher

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Rusty

Happy March, Everyone And A Cheery Hello From Alabama!

I am here for work and it is so nice to be here in the sun and warmth.  It sounds like everyone is doing really well and I am so glad.

Cheers to Ne, Mom, Bacman, Serenity, Nicnak, Stuck, Reggie, Alice, Alcofree, Barrelchested, Neo, and anyone I missed...POETS Day is tomorrow...YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Piss Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday! :-)

'

 

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Ne1

Hello everybody! 

Sorry for the long absence. I went to treatment for 23 days. Got back a few days ago. I couldn't fight the demons anymore, and definitely couldn't stop drinking on my own. It was good. Intense. Emotional. Very, very busy. Bottom line is that I've got 30 days as of this morning, for which I'm really grateful. 

I was in a professionals program with doctors and nurses and other non-medico professionals. (The disease definitely does not discriminate.) Three Substance Abuse Counselors! One of whom, an MD, owns and runs his own program. Turns out he was using and addicted to DXM, too. Not in a healthy way. I told him about your experience, Chuck, and he freaked out. Definitely didn't have a similar experience! Or any knowledge about how it might be used in a healthy(ier) way. Anyway, it was sort of enlightening. I mean, it's not as if I hadn't heard it all before. It's an unabashedly 12-step-based program, despite the fact that they agree that the 12-steps aren't 'treatment'. I still enjoyed the meetings. Y'all know I love a room full of addicts. Lots of education, too, which I'm looking forward to sharing. 

Nice to *see* you guys. I couldn't really keep up while I was gone, because no phones allowed and very limited computer access. That in itself was jarring for this internet-obsessed chick! I'm still grumpy and out of sorts, but much, much better than I was. The last week before I checked in (at my husband's insistence) was pretty dire. 

I'm going to wander around here and at MyWayOut and see what's new! Hope everyone is doing well. 

xx

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Chuck

Congratulations @Ne1! That was a brave step and a marked accomplishment. Bravo! Cheers (with Diet Pepsi) to your continued AF-dom. It's so liberating, isn't it?

I would love to talk to the doc who had the DXM addiction. Not to talk, but to listen. To hear everything with rapt attention - DXM has such heterogenous effects the more stories you hear the better. I'd take him out to lunch if he lived near, or whatever to sweeten the deal I'll buy him an Amazon gift card or something. Please please pass on my contact info and ask him to get in touch with me any time, 

The buds on the trees are just opening here, we've had a mild winter in the NE and much of the Nation but we're in for a cold snap this week, hope it's not a hard freeze and that the trees and all of us continue blossoming.

Best ~CB

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Ne1

Hey, Chuck. It's all strictly anonymous, as you might imagine. And trust me when I tell you that based on what I heard from him, and the program we were in, I know he isn't open to any new ideas. Even if I thought he'd be willing to share his experience, I don't even know his last name myself. He did tell me that he used DMX to get high, not to stave off AL. Though he wasn't drinking for the year that he was abusing DMX. It all ended with a suicide attempt and admission to a psych facility. He relapsed with booze after he got out of that, leading to inpatient rehab a few months later. 

It was a really lovely week here (though I spent a good portion of each day sleeping), but cold today and tomorrow. Really unfortunate since there's a bunch of yard work to do that I need Ed's help with and he's off this weekend. We're wimpy and unwilling to brave the almost 50-degree temp to do it!

We're trying to figure out something fun to do today... It's called something like... Hedonic Rehab. Doing fun, dopamine-inducing activities on the regular. The best we've come up with for today is a movie. Anyone seen Logan? I don't do violence and don't feel like seeing a drama, so John Wick is out, as is Moonlight. (Though I SO love Keanu, despite the fact that he can't act. I'd watch him playing golf, which is saying something. But I heard John Wick is full of blood and gore. No can do.) I really wish every movie had a made-for-TV version for the wimps like me. I also want to see Jordan Peele's horror movie, which sounds fantastic. I'm not sure I can handle that much adrenaline/dopamine though! ;) 

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Chuck

I understand, @Ne1, no worries.

On the topic of movies, has anyone around the world seen T2: Trainspotting yet? I thought it was going to open in the US Mar 3 but now they've pushed it to Mar 17. May not be the upbeat / feel-good flick you're looking for, Ne, but it is on topic and I glean from the trailer that it's more uplifting than the original. I can't wait to see it. All of the original cast is back playing their same roles, 20 years later, real-time. Trainspotting "1" was on some esoteric basic cable channel last week and I DVRd it, forgot what a poignant and clever film it is. Here's the T2 trailer:

 

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Molly78

@Ne1 good to hear from you!

Are you taking any meds at the moment or going cold turkey?

@Chuck I'm looking forward to Trainspotting2 as well.  I watched Requiem for a Dream recently on Netflix - that is some horror film!  The book gave me the creeps, I should have known better than to watch the film.  It freaked me out.

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Rusty

Hi Ne!

Welcome Home!  So glad your brief stay was helpful and I hope it continues and congratulations on 30 days SOBER!:hug:

 

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Rusty

Hey Friends!

Do any of you get The Fix via email?  I really like it! It's free and it gives really powerful stories of recovery, and discusses political and social news related to addiction.  There is a fantastic success story this week about an alcoholic who is managing his addiction successfully with Naltrexone.  I don't know how to insert links, so I am inserting the entire article. ENJOY!

Naltrexone Success Story The Fix March 2017.pdf

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Molly78

Thanks @Rusty - I read that article with interest, then I Googled The Fix to see what else there was.  It's very much a US site - I kept having to bat away "See if your insurance will pay for rehab!" invitations.  I notice as well that the repeal of the Affordable Care Act means that addicts will no longer be covered for treatment, as once you get recognised as an alcoholic or addict then you have a pre-existing condition, like a prior diagnosis of cancer or a genetic problem which means that insurance companies can refuse to cover you.  I admit I don't understand why anyone could object to the ACA.  Isn't it about those who are lucky enough to be healthy & employed making a contribution towards supporting those who are less fortunate? A bit like the NHS in the UK, towards which we all contribute even if we are perfectly healthy.  Or is that something that people in the USA consider an unacceptable imposition? (just asking).  

Some of the general articles look interesting though.  Worth keeping an eye on.

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Rusty

Molly-good to "see" you!:)  That "See if your insurance will pay for rehab!" pop-up is REALLY annoying...it happens to me all the time.  Regarding the Affordable Care Act, I have strong opinions on it, but won't discuss them here, as I think political discussions belong on their own thread. ;-)  I'll gladly PM you my thoughts. :-)

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StuckinLA

Congrats on your 30, @Ne1! Great to see you. John Wick 2 was ok, not as good as the first. Very bloody. Genius is in Redbox and streaming on amazon prime if you also have hbo.

@Chuck I'm really looking forward to T2, but it's not out until the 17th here.

Not much going on here - busy with grading papers and walking the neighborhoods knocking on doors for the city council election on Tuesday. My candidate is probably going to lose, as progressives do, but whatevs.

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Ne1

Morning from Virginia!

I just realized that I've never seen Trainspotting. Will put it on the list of things to watch. Didn't see Logan last night. The movie was sold out for both the 5:30 and 6pm shows. Damn internet ticket sales!!! Very annoying. We would have gone to a later show, but Ed played poker with the boys (and I guess some women, too) last night. I had a quiet night in, thinking about drinking and obviously not doing it. I picked up a 30-day chip yesterday, a day early I realized. (And yes, I'm going to AA meetings, which I love, despite my firm belief that AA is not treatment and is often a negative influence for the likes of us. I need to get out of the house! And meet people. And talk about stuff.) 

I'm taking baclofen, and gabapentin PRN. I started the baclofen while I was in treatment and am taking 120mg/day now. Based on how much my friends from rehab are struggling once they get out, I think it's working the miracle. I'm not craving, though I think about drinking frequently. My friends are craving and really want to drink. I feel sorry for the people who were discharged with only the admonition that they need to take it one day at a time and go to meetings. The doctors at the rehab I went to don't uniformly prescribe anti-craving meds, unfortunately. Some people, I couldn't figure out the rhyme or reason, were prescribed Gabapentin, Naltrexone or Campral. (I snuck baclofen in. Bad me, I know. But I know the stuff works for me and wasn't willing to Just Do It without actual treatment. I also took naltrexone daily, though I've stopped that now that I'm out. I will take it a la The Sinclair Method if I decide to drink again. I hope I won't need it, though.) I should put all this on a different thread since it's all about Me...

No big plans for today. Another attempt to see Logan this evening, I guess. 

So great that you guys are here! I missed you and missed EOMA. :hug:

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Ne1

A couple more things... :) 

Good for you that you're canvassing, Stuck. I love your passion. I have on my list to make phone calls to my Congressional peeps on Monday. 

Pop ups are so incredibly annoying I'm kind of shocked it's so pervasive on The Fix. You'd think they'd know better. I liked the article on Nal, and read the comments with interest. I'm so amazed by people who "know stuff" (or claim to) and then miss the point altogether. (This particular guy said that there aren't studies showing long-term abstinence with naltrexone, like 10+ years. So ridiculous. As if there are any studies, anywhere, for anything, that follow people for that long. pfffft. Well, comments are known to be stupid. Still.) 

It'll be interesting, and perhaps completely alarming, to see what comes of the ACA, Molly. Fingers crossed that the people with health insurance because of the ACA continue to be insured. We'll see... I definitely don't want to get into politics here, given how tumultuous the situation is and how high feelings are running. (Mine included!) 

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Ne1

Oh! One more thing. (sorry!) 

Chuck, I'm sorry (or happy?) to hear about your ex. I am happy to be relatively content and complacent (sorta) in my relationship. I can't imagine dating again, and based on what my divorced friends are going through, I shudder to think of having to do it. That said, if there isn't a spark, and some passion that you can build on (and reignite after many years!) then it's certainly not a good fit. I hope you'll find someone you are inspired by sometime soon. 

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Rusty

Good Morning, EOMA Friends!!!:)

NE, congratulations on getting your 30 day Chip!:hug:  I have a question for you, though.  I thought the minimum stay at rehab is usually 28 days.  Why did you leave early?  I am only inquiring.  I have never been to rehab so I am trying to learn.

Thank you, everybody, for your support re: The Naltrexone Success Story in The Fix. NE, you are right...doctors don't uniformly prescribe anti-craving meds and they SHOULD for chrissakes!!! My aunt went to a 28-day rehab in CA...AA-based and when she got out, I asked her if her doc had prescribed Revia (NAL). She said no, she had never heard of it or baclofen.  She will be sober 9 years in April.  Do you know the story of my aunt, NE?  If you do...then fast forward and skip this part of my post.  My aunt drank daily for 30 years, and I mean, continuously during the day, even while at work at her government job in DC...she had 3 DUIs, smashed up several vehicles, and then tried to commit suicide by diving head-first off her 2nd story deck onto the cement patio below.  She survived. She quit drinking on her own, but my uncle told her if she didn't go to rehab (she had been AF for 2 months at that point) that he would "institutionalize" her. He had had enough. It's the best thing that has ever happened to her, her family, OUR family (she is my mother's baby sister) and she is like a new person!  Maybe you were like her...she really WANTED sobriety the last time...and did everything to protect her quit.  Her life had become unmanageable and there was no way out. I know Ed insisted that you go...I hope your relationship gets even better as time goes on. I am here for you, always.:75_EmoticonsHDcom:

 

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Chuck

@Molly78 Requiem for a Dream really freaked me out as well. The "Tyler Tibbets Month of Fury" cutaways (shudder) - disturbing. Once is enough, won't be watching that again.

@Rusty - thanks for that article about the Naltrexone success story! I will read it on this freezing cold day.

Best to everyone, CB

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MJM

Hi @Ne1 welcome back! 30+ days is a great achievement, even if in a detox environment.

 

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Alice22

Welcome back @Ne1 I've missed your warm and funny posts.   I was always really shaky right after rehab.  I found AA meetings such a comfort, sometimes I went to three a day. Meetings combined with baclofen sounds like a good plan. 

@ChuckI was thinking the exact same thing about "Requiem for a Dream"! I really liked it but I never want to watch it again . That and "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" . For different reasons.  I love movies. I watch and rewatch them all the time. I just watched "The Pianist" today for the 3rd time. 

I'm feeling better. Off the mirtazapine and trying lamotrigine. It takes a while to reach a therapeutic dose so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. 

I have to catch up on a lot of the threads. I don't get them in my email anymore so thought things had gone really quiet.  I started to read the old threads on MWO . Lots of great writing and information and advice.  It just makes me feel better. Like here. 

 

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Ne1

Thanks, Rusty, Alice and MJM. 

Requiem for a Dream is dreadful. There are scenes in that movie I'll never be able to get out of my head. So messed up. Honestly, it's why I'm so careful about what I watch (especially) and listen to. My mind dwells on things. Endlessly. I read something about addiction and OCD being on the same continuum. Not sure I agree, and the science isn't there, but I can definitely relate to the endless carousel of thoughts, especially negative ones. 

@MJM, thanks! I have been kinda disparaging about the accomplishment, since I was basically in lock-down, but I know of several people who got drunk or used while there, or checked out early. 

@Rusty, my lousy insurance ran out on day 19! I got days 20 and 21 for free, and paid SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS A DAY for the last two because we were scheduled to do the "Family Program" that weekend. I'll get a discount, but still. Unbelievable, isn't it? Funny thing is that the program I was in--for "professionals"--was full of (ahem) very successful people. Several of them encouraged me to stay for the full 28 days and suck up the cost by going into (more) debt. A nuclear engineer, a doctor who is a partner in her practice, an anesthesiologist... OMG. I was like, "you guys have no idea what it is to be solidly middle-class." They didn't get it. I had to remind them I haven't had a job in 5 years (school, though) and wasn't willing to add to my stress by incurring ~$10,000 of debt in a week. I mean, if the outcomes were guaranteed, if rehab itself was shown to improve abstinence rates, or even if there was a definitive timeline to indicate improvement, I might have stayed. But the opposite is true. The outcomes for long term sobriety after rehab are dismal. I went because I couldn't put down the bottle for love, life or money, and just needed the safe space. Also because Ed was insistent. (He'd had enough, too.) And I felt and feel pretty good about it because I've been down this road before and know what it takes to be contentedly sober. For me, it's a combination of High Dose Baclofen, staying involved, not isolating, and having something to work toward. 

Dammit. I've got to run. Picking up someone for a meeting this morning and I'm gonna be late. Again. ugh. I suck at time. 

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Ne1
On 3/5/2017 at 6:22 AM, Ne1 said:

Chuck, I'm sorry (or happy?) to hear about your ex. I am happy to be relatively content and complacent (sorta) in my relationship. 

Omg. Sorry about the post I quoted. It was pretty insensitive. Plus, this morning, I cannot stand my husband. At the moment, he's sitting next to me breathing and I want to put a pillow over his head. Or run away. Or both. I suppose if I murder him, I ought to run. (Obviously, I'm not at the point of cold-blooded murder. Though I am fantasizing about being single, without all the drama that would be required for that to become a reality. ugh.) 

@Alice22, meetings ARE comfortable. Sort of. I mean, I still don't believe in a spiritual solution as treatment for a medical illness. That goes without saying. But in AA we have support groups and those have been shown to improve chances for any life-changes, from losing weight to, well, everything. It is hard to get past the dogma, though. Yesterday we read a chapter from Living Sober about not taking drugs. I had a moment! Then I let it all spill about how I thought that sort of thing was the basic problem with AA and the reason it needs drastic and immediate change. The old-timers were alarmed, and just a wee-bit defensive. One of them, who has to be pushing 70, responded that AA is a spiritual program and that the doctors (Jung, which he pronounced with a hard J), thought it was a solution. And I thought, EXACTLY! It was 1939, for chrissakes! 

Anyway. Hopefully today will be better than yesterday, because I felt like I got nothing done yesterday and was really down on myself. And my husband's reaction didn't help at all. The *ucker. And hopefully my mood this morning does not infect my whole day. It's going to be an amazing spring day and I had/have grand designs to get out and play in the gardens. pffffft. We'll see. 

I'm going to the same meeting again this morning, with the same guy, who I met in rehab. He was in my "small group", which was the intensive group therapy. He happens to live close by and I ran into him at this meeting we're both attending now. (It's every weekday morning.) He doesn't have a car (DUI and accident) and has loads of negative repercussions. I offered to drive him around to try to get some stuff sorted and I think he choked up and got teary! This disease sucks, man. I feel so bad for him. 

Off to get ready, since I've been late every morning that I've picked him up. I really want to work on time-management skills. They'll come in handy if I ever go back to work. Right? 

Hope it's a good day, peeps. 

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StuckinLA

Hello, all. Man, I've been tired lately. Over the past 2 weekends I think I've knocked on something like 500 or 600 doors. Was out all day Sunday and then yesterday afternoon, too, since they asked me to cover these couple (10) blocks last minute. Then I said that's it, I'm done, and went to get a foot massage which was amazing. Then stopped for a couple slices of vegan pizza for dinner, and got a damned parking ticket! The meter ran out like a minute before I got back to the car, running, the representative of the punitive state right there, apologizing. Ugh.

Anyway, the election is today. I have graded only 1 of 3 classes, so there's tons of work to catch up on. At least it's almost over (this school term), only 2 weeks left. Then next term I'm only teaching 2 classes instead of 3 - one of the perks of an annual 100% appointment, I get the same money and a slightly easier schedule. Really looking forward to that, actually, the spring. Should be able to get more writing done without have as much grading to do.

Guess that's about it here. Tired. Went to sleep very early last night, I don't think it was even 9 o'clock, and slept pretty much through the whole night. Today is teaching, and like I said the election. Probably heading to the campaign office for the get-together where we'll all watch the votes come in and weep for the future. Then tomorrow is grading, and 3 months AF. And writing and the gym, hopefully.

So glad you're feeling better, @Alice22.

And you, too, @Ne1. Don't smother anyone, with love or pillows :D

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Ne1

Morning, all. 

Stuck, thanks for the update! THREE MONTHS! Holy wow. That's amazing. From what I heard in rehab, and have read, ~90 days is a turning point for the brain. Or the mind. Or something that makes the future brighter and the present more manageable. I am... eager for that. 

Hope the election turned out positive. Though I can't imagine that even in SoCal the liberals are progressive enough to elect a progressive candidate. Great news about the job! 

Didn't smother anyone, not because the desire disappeared. Yesterday's meeting was all about accepting (and even ignoring) other people's "character defects" in favor of dealing with my own. Much as I (still) loathe the 1-way-only prescription of 12-step programs, I'm getting a lot out of going to a meeting every day. It helps hold me accountable, too. The morning meeting I've been attending recently (to get it out of the way as early as possible!) is very small. The old timers, there are two, are so sweet, so generous, I can't stand the idea of disappointing them. Seriously. It's weird. Plus, they're pretty decent role models. 

My schedule seems to be normalizing a little bit, though I'm still sleeping a lot during the day. Going to bed at 9pm and getting up around 4am, which is my favorite time of day. Still smoking way too much, so sitting outside on my patio while I internet. Despite going 22 days without a cigarette, I didn't make it 20 minutes post-discharge before I bought a pack. :( Can't wait for Daylight Savings Time so the sun is up shortly after I get up.

 

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Mom2JTx3

Hmmm... @Ne1 I think it's the opposite :(  It stays lighter later but sunrise is later too.

Better cigs than booze!!  Congrats on holding strong! :) 

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Alice22
On 3/7/2017 at 6:01 AM, Ne1 said:

Omg. Sorry about the post I quoted. It was pretty insensitive. Plus, this morning, I cannot stand my husband. At the moment, he's sitting next to me breathing and I want to put a pillow over his head. Or run away. Or both. I suppose if I murder him, I ought to run. (Obviously, I'm not at the point of cold-blooded murder. Though I am fantasizing about being single, without all the drama that would be required for that to become a reality. ugh.) 

@Alice22, meetings ARE comfortable. Sort of. I mean, I still don't believe in a spiritual solution as treatment for a medical illness. That goes without saying. But in AA we have support groups and those have been shown to improve chances for any life-changes, from losing weight to, well, everything. It is hard to get past the dogma, though. Yesterday we read a chapter from Living Sober about not taking drugs. I had a moment! Then I let it all spill about how I thought that sort of thing was the basic problem with AA and the reason it needs drastic and immediate change. The old-timers were alarmed, and just a wee-bit defensive. One of them, who has to be pushing 70, responded that AA is a spiritual program and that the doctors (Jung, which he pronounced with a hard J), thought it was a solution. And I thought, EXACTLY! It was 1939, for chrissakes! 

Anyway. Hopefully today will be better than yesterday, because I felt like I got nothing done yesterday and was really down on myself. And my husband's reaction didn't help at all. The *ucker. And hopefully my mood this morning does not infect my whole day. It's going to be an amazing spring day and I had/have grand designs to get out and play in the gardens. pffffft. We'll see. 

I'm going to the same meeting again this morning, with the same guy, who I met in rehab. He was in my "small group", which was the intensive group therapy. He happens to live close by and I ran into him at this meeting we're both attending now. (It's every weekday morning.) He doesn't have a car (DUI and accident) and has loads of negative repercussions. I offered to drive him around to try to get some stuff sorted and I think he choked up and got teary! This disease sucks, man. I feel so bad for him. 

Off to get ready, since I've been late every morning that I've picked him up. I really want to work on time-management skills. They'll come in handy if I ever go back to work. Right? 

Hope it's a good day, peeps. 

@Ne1I think it's really normal to fantasize about your husband dying. I do it all the time.  Mine has a sizable life insurance policy which expires in two years, so if it has to happen I'd prefer it happen before then. And then I imagine it's in a plane crash ( he flies a lot) and I am also compensated by the airline.  I already know how I'll spend the money.  This is all normal. I consider myself happily married.  

I am really close to going back to AA for most of the same reasons you talk about-- the social part, I liked the routine and there is a lot of wisdom in the rooms.  I had a kind of "home" meeting I went to everyday at noon. There was a core group of about six or seven people who been together at this meeting for 30 years+.  It was very diverse, young, old, professional, artist types. I went regularly and became friends with a guy who didn't drive. He walked to the meeting s. Then  one day it's raining and I offer a ride and needless to say, it became a regular thing. Then he pushed me to ask this girl to be my sponsor and she also did not drive. After the meetings she would be waiting for the bus to take her to work so I, of course, offered to take her. So this too, became a regular thing. I even started to pick her up at home and bring her to meetings.  She lived in this dump with three other people, worked in a hardware store, she was young enough to be my daughter. So it started to become like that, I would chauffeur her around, buy her lunch, encourage her to pursue the landscaping.  Then she would get all serious and give me all this "homework" I was supposed to complete by our next meeting.  No wonder I relapsed.  I "broke up" with her via text message. I think we were both relieved.  So I would love to go back to this meeting but clearly I need to work on my issue with boundaries first. 

I continue to feel better (thank you @StuckinLA for your warm wishes)  although it still feels fragile. I'm up to 75 mgs of lamictal, along with the bac and gabapentin.  Still AF though I still think about it. I'm not completely indifferent but I don't have cravings.  

I've been busy cleaning like a madwoman , had hardwood floors replaced last week so there is dust everywhere.  This would have completely overwhelmed me 10 days ago.  At this point, I don't care if it's the drugs making me feel better. I'll take it. Feeling happy that is, any old way. 

I need to go. My 16 year old daughter leaves for Europe tomorrow, Belgium, Germany and France. Last night she said her suitcase isn't big enough so I have to go get another one.  I'm so glad I feel well enough to do it. Never mind that she's spoiled and I should make her use the suitcase she has. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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