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The End of my Addiction

May 2017 Checking In


StuckinLA
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Hey @DunDrinkn glad to hear you've got some AF time. Congrats.

Didn't see a May thread, so figured I'd start one. Happy belated May Day, all. Solidarity, workers of the world, etc. And yes, I marched with the People yesterday.

Also, instead of counting AF days (I'm not really) I think I'm just going to start counting days that I have successfully NOT maimed myself with this straight razor. Jeebus H, nothing like taking a murder weapon to your throat in the morning to perk ya' up. Better than coffee but on God's word I will never try it *before* my first coffee of the day. However it seems my lather technique, which I thought had gotten pretty decent, is actually crap. Lots 'o work to do on many fronts. And while I can work on the lathering until my bathroom is full of shaving foam, shaving itself is not one of those things you can really just stand there and practice all day until you get it just right, because, you know, you're slicing skin off your freakin' face. Tender.

Anyways, that's what's going on here. Bored, tired, took up jogging again. Watching a lot of TV and checking out books from the library to stack on my nightstand before returning. That kind of thing. Hope everyone's having a good one.

 

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Hi @StuckinLA.  Are you still dating the girl?  Haven't heard much about her.  Glad you're sober even if bored!

Happy May everyone.  Still hanging in there.  Not much going on but we're enjoying the warmer weather.  :) 

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Hi @Mom2JTx3. Dating may not be the right word, but we are still seeing each other. She spent the night last night, in fact, but really we just watch a movie or some tv and go to sleep, or sometimes go out to dinner or to some cultural event around the city. Not much romance or intimacy, so we're somewhere on the blurry line between dating and good, old friends.

So I went and got a medical mj prescription yesterday. Still not sure why I'm messing around with that lately. Seems I just don't want to be conscious. At the moment, getting high doesn't feel like it's a real problem per se, just a drag on productivity. Far better than caving on my AF time, so I guess it's nice to have some weed on hand while I sort out whatever depression/frustration issues are going on right now. Coming right up on 5 months AF, thinking about booze quite a bit but holding strong for the most part. Just other life issues, like dead-end work and money, gettin' me down.

Glad the weather's getting nice for you Mom, get out and enjoy it!

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Stuck,

 

I'm glad you're doing much better. There is a night and day difference with your tone and being engaged with life from 6 months ago. 

 

Some people might knock MJ, but I've seen a couple of people successfully stay sober on it. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's what every "sober" celebrity uses and doesn't talk about. 

 

 

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I worry a little about trading one addiction for another since I smoke pot regularly. I've always used it for sleep, appetite and relief from tension.  A psychiatrist on staff at a rehab I was in recommended it to help with recovery.  I know for me it's a lot less dangerous than alcohol. 

I just got my medical card, dispensaries are supposed to be open this summer. 

 

 

 

 

 

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Well, it appears I have outlived my local bar. I haven't been in there since I went AF this time - unlike previous AF periods I haven't felt like going in to hang out. Not sure if I didn't trust myself not to drink or if going out at all just lost its appeal. Either way, after multiple stabbings over the last several months, I noticed they've been closed the past few days. Unclear if this is temporary or permanent, and since I haven't been in there at all I have no way of knowing. When I realized they were closed the other night I suddenly felt very lonely.

 

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MIL seemed to be getting a little better over the weekend but on Monday she was dead to the world so by the evening we had blood test and got her to the hospital with a blood sugar level of 495 so she was in a diabetic coma. They got it down to 200 by this morning but she is still unconscious.  No one is able to say whether she will come out of this.  Monday morning the doctor put her on a drip in the house and said he thought this was a result of Alzheimers and to expect the worst.  Can't be sure whether it's one or the other but it's not looking good.  Family coming over just in case.  What a nightmare.

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Sorry to hear your woes continue, Otter. I would have thought palliative care the order of the day rather than active treatment of diabetes.  But maybe her family thought otherwise.  Quality of life is difficult to measure & means different things to different people.  At least she's not in pain.

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Checking in.  Hard battle right now with everything that is going on that would push me to drink.  AF at the moment. Tough couple days.  Hope everyone else is well.  "They" say alcohol is a replacement for love if you look at what oxytocin does.  When love becomes not mutual it's extremely hard.  No matter what I drank I was always committed and never cheated.  I've learned so much that 5 years ago I appeared happy, and much of life has been in my terms of sobriety or just enough to make me feel normal. Much of it was singing to my addiction.  In the 5 years, I have spent so much time sober it's incredible.  Especially in the last 8 months.  I was corrected when I said 6 months, it's actually 8 months.  I'm not a stickler I just know how I feel and counting days is rediculous.  Confirmation my wife is seeing someone else nearly pushed me over the edge yesterday.  Emotions start to become uncontrollable after months of sobriety and its hard to deal with.  Especially regret.  The only thing I did wrong was to get drunk, or manage my addiction.  Urinated on a neighbours house once, punched one hole in a wall because I was not heard.  I am not a violent person at all even when drunk.  But she threw my 500$ monitors on the ground and did all sorts of other insulting things. Called me for tech support while I was heavily involved in a job which threatened my job.  Hoping everyone has a better day not remembering the bad times.

Admission is that I have slipped and had a drink in that time but its all in how you look at it.  Slip/Relapse.  Retrospect is an interesting thing that can haunt you.   That is my check in.  Feeling down and unmotivated.

Edited by empyr3al
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On 5/10/2017 at 10:32 PM, Molly78 said:

Sorry to hear your woes continue, Otter. I would have thought palliative care the order of the day rather than active treatment of diabetes.  But maybe her family thought otherwise.  Quality of life is difficult to measure & means different things to different people.  At least she's not in pain.

Hi Molly.  She is showing small signs of recovery.  I insisted that she be put into a small private hospital which specializes in caring for elderly ex-pats, rather than a university teaching hospital teeming with 20-something trainee doctors and nurses.  I don't know how far gone she is but the 92 year-old lady we are caring for went to this hospital in worse health and they got her back on her feet and she is now better than she's been for years.  The doctors just can't say yet whether she will recover or not but I've done a bit of research and it seems that most people recover from this these days. The doctor said her blood systems are very strong and there's nothing much wrong with her so they are stabilizing her sugar levels.  She's responding to us, opening her eyes and saying a few things so whatever they are giving her is working.  We are now moving into a feud between family members with some wanting her flown home on insurance to spend her last days in an NHS hospital with no family around and us wanting her to stay here.

It's an interesting insight into the difference in cultures. In the UK she would be put on a ward with others in her condition and given standard care by staff taking a "meh" attitude. Here, they are zealous about keeping people alive.  If you talk to anyone, not just doctors, about just letting people in this state pass away, they look at you like you are crazy and say "you can't do that".  Sadly, within this family group, those who are in the "meh" camp have power of attorney, but live in the UK and work so they are content to ship her back and let her die alone in a hospital while those of us who want to keep her here and nurse her back to health are being told to butt out.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

@Ne1 and @Jetsman32 and anyone else interested: my extreme stress over the pre-employment screen seems to have been unwarranted. The HR folks never told me about my test results... but as I've worked for two weeks, I guess that they didn't find anything "suspicious" (including Naltrexone). The new gig seems to be going well. Er, um, except for the weekly 7am meeting. I want to throw-up a little in my mouth every time I say that.

I've had a few days of drinking, per week.  You know... the volume (of booze) has been low. I'm losing interest, earlier. The hangovers, however, are becoming ever more painful. Things are looking up. I recently adopted a very sweet, very clever dog (a rescue)... and he's fantastic; he learns a trick in a day (start at night... and then by the next morning, he seems to recall it -- albeit with a little bit of thought; he learned to roll-over with, say, 15 minutes of training... and knows the command by voice, alone).  Annnnnyway, life is good.  Well, except that the pup is jacking-up my sleep. There are worse things.

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If I have any regrets, it's that I seem to have gotten what I originally wanted: I can drink in moderation (provided that I take the pill). I was terrified by the idea of giving-up booze forever. The funny thing is that now I think that I want that. I don't know if I'll get there. And I don't know if I'm resolute in this change in desire. I just... well... I don't know. 

On 4/30/2017 at 8:37 PM, Missykc said:

Sometimes I want to step off and just drink to excess but it doesn't fit in with my running schedule

@Missykc's comment made sent me down this path of thought.  The HORRIBLE gout attack finally passed (after over a month). However, I've yet to resume exercising (I've gone from 2-3hrs/day to zero... which can't be good). But there's no danger that I'll ever get back into running. So, I've got that going for me, at least. :-)

 

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On 5/21/2017 at 7:23 PM, BarrelChested said:

I recently adopted a very sweet, very clever dog (a rescue)... and he's fantastic; he learns a trick in a day (start at night... and then by the next morning, he seems to recall it -- albeit with a little bit of thought; he learned to roll-over with, say, 15 minutes of training... and knows the command by voice, alone).  Annnnnyway, life is good.  Well, except that the pup is jacking-up my sleep. There are worse things.

Yay for you and congrats for adopting a rescue! I absolutely adore dogs (cats too) but rescued ones are the best :) 

My 12 year old rescued pit mix still learns new tricks with astonishing speed. Last year I taught her "other paw" when given the command to wave/shake hands. And she learned it pretty much immediately, with no training or prompting whatsoever. A few treats for reinforcements and she knew it forever. Dogs are so smart. 

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My MIL has come round and is talking. They had her in a wheel chair today.  Over a month now on her back so she's very weak and has had no solid food.  They are giving her water orally and she's on a drip and on insulin.  What a mess.  The staff at the hospital are now saying she'll be ok. 

My wife is coping well.  Prior to going on Campral as well as the baclofen, she used to have outbursts of temper in the morning, like she was on edge.  That's now gone away and she's calm.  That was, to be honest, one of the problems.  There's nothing worse than going off every  morning with the wife in a spontaneous rage.  I knew it was part of the problem because it was every morning and it was set off by nothing which would warrant any response at all, maybe a dog making a noise or neighbour going by.  Just small inconsequential things and she would fly into an uncontrollable rage.  It's all part of the anxiety/panic reaction but it obviously needed more than baclofen.  A while ago she apologized for this behaviour and said she realized she was doing it.  I think that the drugs strengthen neuro transmission and make processing of thoughts easier.  i don't know if that's accurate but it seems now she is better able to think and reason about her behaviour.   It was really getting to me over the years because you leave home with that thought in your mind and it makes you stressed all day long while she would be at home not realizing how bad i felt.  

I was diagnozed in my 20s with vasomotor rhinitis and I have restless leg syndrome and some twitches.  I went through tests and the rhinitis doesn't have any allergic causes and my father had it so it appears to be genetic.  Over the past 6 years or so I have been getting worse, with the coughing, syncope and passing out. That appears from what I have read to be a neurological condition so i suspect that I have something akin to Parkinsons.  I have episodes when my whole left side goes into spasm and stiffens up and I can feel my brain sort of freezing.  It makes me walk with a stiff left leg for a while until it eases up. I have started taking baclofen and campral and it seems to make my thoughts much clearer.  I'll see how it goes over time.

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Hi @Otter, sounds like your wife is doing ok and that's good to hear. Hope everybody's hanging in with your MIL.

Sure is quiet round here. Not that I have much to say, either. Hope everyone is busy doing other, fabulous things.

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I've been having horrific nightmares where I realize what has happened and no matter my endurance in staying sober I had already killed a relationship.  To realize while dreaming and putting things together and knowing your wife was cheating on you longer than she admits is hard core.  The dreams I suppose are piecing things together.  The realizations are even harder because my biggest fears of going to rehab were actually real and happened.

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I avoided rehab for some simple reasons in the past.  That I would be away and I could not check on things and maintain relationships.  Its actually a severe distraction from the work you are supposed to do in rehab.  Unfortunately they were true and the fear was real.  The rehab did little for me.  I'd suggest day treatments or therapists instead of leaving family you love so dearly.  I was sober for a long time and lapsed hard when I felt a void.  Blame the alcoholic all you want when you in fact are a cheat.

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