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The End of my Addiction

What's news? in June...


Ne1
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Howdy ho, friends.

Long been AWOL. Had some stuff to do, to figure out, to work on. Didn't work. Well, actually, I figured out that left to my own devices I will end up hibernating. So while I have actually gotten some things done and done some good things, I find myself frustratingly unwilling to reach out instead of the opposite, which was the goal. Or one goal of many. So here I am, back at it again. 

I did go to a political thing this week. Primary election for governor in a couple of weeks here in Virginia, and it's a BIG deal. I turned down the opportunity to canvas, partly because I am not sure who I'm voting for yet. I'm so torn. I really like one guy, but I think the other one is more electable and more likely to actually get things done in the state. But the guy I like would make sure that things don't get done that I abhor and make me loathe my fellow human beings. So, definitely undecided. What I am sure of is that I'm going to get directly involved (though, God, not canvassing. ugh.) in the campaign for whomever wins the primary. 

What else? I have to go visit my perfect brother, and his perfect family, in late July. It's impetus to get off and stay off the couch and lose some weight. Sad but true. And one of my besties is getting married in October. Again, not going unless I can fit into my clothes. So there's that. I actually pulled out some weights, did very little, and had a girlfriend remark that my arms looked 'cut'. Yay! 

Bad Dog bit my husband this week. Like for real. She (the dog) wasn't playing, it wasn't an accident. She was digging after a mole/vole/something in the garden. He tried to pull her away, and she sank her teeth into his hand. I spent 10+ years in dog rescue, have never been bitten and have never known a dog to actually intentionally bite unless it was cornered or extremely fearful. Until now. Finally broke out the shock collar (don't judge, y'all, until you've walked in our shoes). It's kind of remarkable how well and quickly it works. I was very worried about using it, thinking that she'd freak out and it would be traumatic and terrible for all involved. Not at all! Anyway, I know you're judging, because I know I would be. But there it is. 

I think I read that @BarrelChested got the job AND got a dog! A rescue, no less. That's SO GREAT! This one, Pete, is our first pure-bred, and while I don't regret her (much, anymore) the next one will be another rescue. And everyone thereafter. I always blamed my other dogs bad behavior on the fact that they were rescues. Nope. Turns out it's me. And Ed. He's no bueno when it comes to training dogs. 

What else? I'll take a look back and see what's up with who and how and all that and check back in tomorrow. 

Missed you guys. Thanks for being here. 

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Ah, I'm back! And no one else is around. Hullooooo!? 

So I freaked out about a month ago, almost lost the plot, and started taking Lexapro. It's an SSRI, and y'all (some of you) know how I feel about those. BUT, I am nothing if not hypocritical about many things, and it's supposed to be a good baseline for treating anxiety and related depression. It actually seems to be working! Which is such a huge relief, since waking up with panic attacks and feeling regret for things I did when I was 6 wasn't working for me. 

Pooch let me clean the scrub from her ears and face without snapping at me, and without the intervention of the shock collar. Progress! 

I'm approaching 4 months of sobriety, sadly without being indifferent. I miss indifference. Some days are tough. I'd give it a shot (ha) but I'm worried about the consequences, both immediate and long-term. My husband would FREAK out, understandably. I'd sneak some if I knew how. And if I wasn't scared witless about where booze took me the last time. But for the first time, I can really relate to the people who start baclofen when they're sober and wonder if they'll ever be free of thoughts of drinking, not knowing if they're indifferent. I can say, having been there before, that I'm not because I'm not free from the craving, and therein lies the crux. Or maybe the craving is different this time? I dunno. Everything else is different this time... 

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day. Hope you guys have or are having a good day! 

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Hi @Ne1

are you off the Baclofen completely?

Im on it for the 3rd time without indifference,I lost it around oct/Nov last year and have tried but failed to reach indifference.My last switch was 160mg and I'm now on 187.5.I just wonder how far I should go

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Hello people, just a quick hello.

Sorry to hear that it's not going great atm, @Ne1. Yet 4 months sober is good going. Hang in there. You're on the right track. There is no wrong track, but you're doing some good stuff there, especially to not drinking bit. It's crap when you still have cravings with it, but I think that eases the longer you're sober. 

Yes I know exactly what you mean about SSRIs, but if it's working, then that's a good thing. Have you thought of trying other methods for depression/anxiety down the track? I just wonder if there's better ways, longer term. I wonder if the SSRIs can contribute to cravings when sober? I don't know.

We have two dogs and I feel as though we don't give them the time they deserve. When our Lab was younger, she'd get one walk a day, minimum. Now she's lucky to get one a week. We have another small dog that keeps her company and keeps her young, but it's not the same.

I'm just ticking along really. Have some okay days and some not great days, all related to mood. I haven't found a routine for countering my depression yet. I don't take anti-depressants anymore, but don't do much else to deal with it. I had a huge shock recently when I got a large tax bill, on top of the realisation that after years of drinking that my credit card debit had got way out of hand. It will take a while to sort out the mess, but I'll be okay. I just can't spend more than I earn anymore.

I have been getting fed up with smoking again, tried to stop today, lasted until late this afternoon. I really want to knock smoking on the head, and soon.

I just don't get cravings at all anymore. I was to meet up with a collegue for lunch yesterday, and he likes a drink. Was cancelled as he has the 'flu, but I was thinking should I have a beer with him to be sociable, but it just didn't fit.

Here's the thing: after maybe two years of battling with AL-addiction with Bac, I have finally reached a place where it seems to be working consistantly. When I think of having a drink (as in the situation above) it's like you've had a full meal and you're contemplating having another one. You feel full, and so there's just no incentive to have more food. It's as if I ask myself 'Why would you', in the rare instances a drink crosses my mind. There just seems no point to it, it has zero appeal.

@Nicnak I went up to 225mg before reaching indifference, but that was while also taking SSRIs. When I stopped the SSRIs, I titrated down to 150mg, and again recently to 125mg. I don't know what to suggest; we're all different. I do know some have gone north of 300mg a day to reach indifference. I did have same bad side-effects when on 180mg-plus.

I'm shaking my head here. After all the drama of drinking and trying (and failing) to stay sober on Bac, having to titrate up after a month or two sober then yet another bender or three, here I am. Sober. On Bac.

 

 

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@Ne1:hug: Great to see you! Oops...I forgot that @Baclofenmanis puzzled by the ! and they are not used in the UK. LOL.

 

NE,  I have been worried about you...especially since I emailed you and didn't hear back from you. ;-) Of course I think MY emails should be at the top of your "reply right away list."  LOL.   Congratulations on your near 4 months of sobriety!  That is fantastic! So proud and happy for you. Sorry about the dog biting Ed! :-(  Did Ed need stitches?  I totally get not wanting to go anywhere until you fit into the clothes you want to wear for those special occasions. I am facing the same problem as I am visiting a friend in 5 weeks and I don't want to look like a blob.

Very busy here...my business is thriving but I don't have a lot of free time.

Gotta run now so I hope everyone has a great Saturday.

 

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Hi all, and hi @Ne1! Great job on the 4 months. Truly, it's a slog but you're doing great. Sorry about the puppy troubles. Hopefully she calms down a bit.

As for sobriety and animals here, the massacre of rodents is ongoing. Maybe four over the last month and a half or so? Pretty sure it's the neighborhood cats getting hold of the mice and chipmunks that have appeared near my back door. Thursday night coming home I found a chipmunk in bad shape but not quite dead. Put some hay down and set him there, since I just didn't have the heart to finish him off and end his suffering. Stuff like that really gets me, but by this morning he's passed on and I'll toss his remains later today. Other than that, been getting high nightly and mostly watching tv, a little bit of reading here and there. Will be 6 months AF this week. And it's really unclear what my work situation will be, basically will find out by early next week if I have a job at all or not. Stressful times.

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@MJM

this is my third attempt since last autum.I reached 250 at one point and my brain was very confused,couldn't remember passwords to log into my work Pc so gave it up and went right down and started again.

I feel a bit bleak like it's not going to work again because how could my last switch be 160 and then I still can't switch at 250.

I can understand now how Bac can never get licensed in its present form because it's just so vague.

Anyway,on 187.5 at the mo and will go up to 200 tommorow...Im hanging in there

@Ne1

my hubby is 4 months sober without meds and I hold my hat off to him as I do you x

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Fun and games here.  My mother in law went into a diabetic coma after her first admission to hospital about three weeks ago. They didn't feed her properly so her blood sugar level rose to 500 by the time she came home to us and we had to take her into a different hospital who slowly brought her around.  Our daughters, without telling us, went to the hospital and photographed anything they didn't like and without telling us, arrange for her to be taken to a different hospital, where they both work. We stopped this because the MIL was still unconscious but I was sure she would come around and get better. But, then, we were informed that an ambulance would come to the hospital, she would be drugged, put on a plane and taken home.  The rest of the family said it was ok to do this because she "didn't know where she was anyway" but we went in each day and she was  getting better each day.

My sister in law in the UK has power of attorney there and she was pressing to get more time in this hospital but she was being sworn at over Whatsap by the two daughters.  On Friday night she was pressuring my wife to allow her mother to be released from hospital since only my wife had authority here to do so as she is next of kin here. 

 

Well, blow me down. The MIL was back to normal on Saturday morning. Her mental faculties were fine, she was sitting up laughing and joking.  So we went in to see her and she wanted to stay at that hospital until she recovered.  We had a long conversation with her.  The prospect of being moved deeply troubled her and by the end of the morning she was out of her mind with anxiety over it so we left her for a while.  We spoke to hospital staff who were appalled.  We thought about it and we just felt in an awful bind over it.  My MIL wasn't showing any great interest in staying with us for the long term but we had to explain that she was going back to a hospital and that no one would be visiting her except one daughter and that she was working so would be hard pressed to do so and was going to put her in a care home and sell her house.

As the day wore on, the sister was in touch and told us that the insurers had said she had to make a decision and she was too scared about the cost if she didn't accept the offer, £26,000 for the air evacuation.   We told the MIL about this and she said she wanted to stay where she was.

Then we realized that if the daughters turned up they would force the issue and it would be a confrontation, for what?  Despite our offers, the old lady simply doesn't want to be with us long term, so what were we doing this for?  I felt like I was about to pass out from the stress.  We decided we would not force the issue any more and to let her go.

Then the hospital staff told us that the insurers had said that they wouldn't pay their bill unless they obeyed the instructions of the attorney in the UK, so they felt they had to release her if an ambulance turned up.

That ended it. 

My wife was in shreds over this, but didn't drink.  i think it shows how effective the new combo is, bac and Campral.  She dealt with this better than I did.  I was so ill from the stress of being caught in the middle of this, the hospital had my blood pressure taken.  

Well, that's it, she's going today.  

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Hello everyone!  Not much news this week.  Titrating back up on Baclofen as I ran into cravings again at 250.  I know you're then suppose to go up a bit then stay there, but I was sufficiently freaked out that I may go back up to my switch dose.  I wonder how @Jetsman32 is managing as he was titrating down as well and we were at the same switch and following the same schedule going down.

@Ne1 Good to see you!  Congratulations too.  Are you still using Bac and titrating up?

@StuckinLA Congratulations to you too :)  Hope the job works out. :(  

@Otter Sorry to hear that you're stressed.  It sounds like you've done what you could.

@MJM Glad to hear you've reached indifference.  I know that was a long journey 

@Nicnak Have you thought about adding Campral if you get to the point that you can't take the Bac side effects?  I had a terrible time around 180 and was going up 5mg a week at one point to try and mitigate.  I did get through it though and they got easier to deal wih.

 

Edited by Mom2JTx3
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Hi everyone.

Good to hear all your news & to see a bit more activity on the site - although that might be just because I haven't visited for a week.  Just back from an all inclusive holiday in Lanzarote with my 2 grandsons aged 10 & 12.

I am titrating down & reached 60 mg (from 160) just before I left.  My alcohol intake over the 2 weeks preceding the holiday was higher than usual - my birthday, visit to new baby grandson in London, one of my sons wanting to recount the sad state of his marriage over a bottle or two of wine....etc.  Then the holiday.  I really tried to make the most of the free booze, but the baclofen effect continues.  There is just no "high", only increasing drowsiness & kind of low mood if I persevere.  I think I might even have done a Sinclair on myself - I can't imagine having a drink today (got home yesterday).  The only drink I really enjoyed was the vodka tonic on the plane home, & that was mainly a wish for oblivion on a long & tedious flight.  Not long in transatlantic terms, but any Brit will tell you that 4 hours on a Ryanair flight is an eternity, plus the 10 year old's ipad went flat 20 mins after take off.

So I'm going to stick at 60 mg & see how this week goes.  I feel a bit out of kilter with most of you, as I haven't aimed to be completely AF at any point, just to be sober.  However, recent experience might change that.

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3 hours ago, Molly78 said:

Not long in transatlantic terms, but any Brit will tell you that 4 hours on a Ryanair flight is an eternity

:D

I feel you, @Molly78. The whole thinking about a drink and just not wanting it. I've been getting a lot of that lately, wanting *something* but a deep down certainty that a drink is not what I want. At all. Kind of a good thing and kind of sad, but at the very least makes abstinence a bit easier at the moment.

Been instead getting high, but even that is getting old. Doesn't give me whatever it is that I'm looking for and it's wasting time and just slowing me down in general. Obviously it's an unconscious attempt to work through something, but I'm not sure what mental work it's covering for right now.

Anyway, glad to see some peeps around. Hope ya'll have a good one today.

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On 6/2/2017 at 8:59 AM, Nicnak said:

Hi @Ne1

are you off the Baclofen completely?

Im on it for the 3rd time without indifference,I lost it around oct/Nov last year and have tried but failed to reach indifference.My last switch was 160mg and I'm now on 187.5.I just wonder how far I should go

Hi, Nic. I'm taking 240mg of baclofen. I reached indifference at ~320mg the first time. I went up higher than that last year, and down and up and down but didn't reach indifference. I kept waiting for baclofen to kick in the way it did the first time, but the cravings (or my stubborn unwillingness?) were still there. Now? I'm not indifferent. My physical cravings are really low, though. And most of the people I was in rehab with, that I still communicate with, have slipped or relapsed. So I'm gonna say it's a good thing I stayed on baclofen. I might go up. I probably won't go down. I'm waiting to get sorted with some other things I'm struggling with before I make that decision, mental and physical. I don't know what to tell you. I'm glad, for the moment, that the struggle is over and I'm not cycling around the drain anymore. I really don't know if I could have done it on my own, without rehab. At least not without things getting really bad. They were just pretty-bad, not abysmal-bad. 

@MJM, great to hear from you and glad you're doing well. It's a blissful place to be, isn't it? Not being interested in drinking but not being scared of it either. Indifferent, truly! Actually, it wasn't particularly blissful, if I recall correctly, because I was so far removed from craving/drinking and all the, as you said, drama around it.

We'll get to the point where the pooch doesn't need long daily walks... in another hundred years or so. <sigh> The shock-collar is actually working really well. I'm using carrots, too. (Literally and figuratively. She loves frozen carrots! And frozen chicken and frozen beef and lots of other special treats when we're training. I guess I'm trying to justify the use of using corporal punishment here. So you guys don't think I'm a total club-carrying-troglodyte.)

@Rusty, so sorry! I walked away from screen-time, without really intending to do it. I mean, I wanted to cut down on the amount of time I spend in front of the computer (etc.) but I didn't think it was going to be an all-or-nothing thing until it was. Glad you're doing so well! 

@StuckinLA, eeek! Why're the cats gracing YOUR door with presents? I have a hard and fast rule that I no longer try to rescue whatever the pup gets ahold of. It's definitely heart-breaking. Too bad you can't communicate that necessity to your kitty friend. (I was going to make a joke about how you've got all the cats coming around your place, leaving presents, but won't.) Congrats on 6 months, brother! That's amazing. Wish weed worked for me. Not really, I guess. But I really miss getting out of my skull. Really, really miss it. 

Ack! Gotta run! 

 

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@Ne1 don't feel bad about the shock collar.  Charlie wears one all the time because I have an electric boundary wire around my property which gives a small shock if she crosses it - it's called  a "Freedom Fence" which sounds ironical but it gives her so much freedom, literally.  I open the door & she can run around an acre & a half of garden & field, chasing squirrels & birds (never catches anything).  She has a little device on the collar which sends a warning beep as she approaches the boundary, getting faster & louder the nearer she gets.  The learning curve is steep for a young, clever dog.  They only cross the boundary a couple of times.  Sometimes I forget to put the collar on in the morning, but she is so well trained she doesn't even seem to realise!

Anyway, what I'm saying is that a well trained dog is a happy dog, & you can enjoy each other so much more.  I'm sure you'll get there with Pete.

18 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

wanting *something* but a deep down certainty that a drink is not what I want.

I couldn't have put it better!  The addict's eternal search for a high.  I'e never done weed, mainly because it's a smoker's drug & I don't smoke.  If it got legalised over here & I could take it baked in a cookie.......well that might be different!

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They shipped her out on a private medical jet from Germany yesterday and she's happy to be home.  All's well that end's well.  Now we are here picking up the pieces.  What a nightmare three months.

I grow more and more convinced that my wife has a deep seated limbic system disorder and that most of her anxiety is due to her relationship with her mother. The mother is a tartar, no feelings at all.  Kept going on over the years about my wife and her drinking, and when she sobered up, it didn't change at all.  When we had her here, almost dead on her bed, she had enough energy to kick my wife in the stomach.  You would think an 82 year old woman would mellow or show some dignity.  All my wife did was show love and concern, and all she got back was a kick in the stomach, literally.  How can anyone overcome that?  We had a chat a few nights ago.  We decided that whatever her mother wanted we were not going to have her here. She's made her own bed and she's going to have to sleep in it.  She'll be a lonely old woman with no one visiting her and she has no one to blame but herself.  I passed on the research papers I found on the internet about Lewey Body syndrome being treatable with Acamprosate and Baclofen, but even I don't care anymore.  I have had so much "attitude" over the years that my wife is to blame for her condition, particularly from her mother, that I can't and won't lose any sleep if she gets no treatment at all for this condition, and I certainly don't expect any UK doctor who sees her to be the slightest bit interested in looking at any new developments in neurology.  It keeps coming back to this divide between people who suffer and are looking for help, and finding it, and those who don't give a damn.  They deserve to get back what they have inflicted on others who suffer from these illnesses and for whom they have shown no understanding or compassion. 

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On 6/5/2017 at 11:33 AM, StuckinLA said:

...wanting *something* but a deep down certainty that a drink is not what I want. At all. Kind of a good thing and kind of sad...

 

On 6/6/2017 at 6:24 AM, Molly78 said:

I couldn't have put it better!  The addict's eternal search for a high. 

I agree with both of you. I definitely miss...something. But for me, it's not the 'eternal search for a high', it's the search for easing some sort of fundamental discomfort. Like on a cellular level. I had that, the first time, from baclofen. Or perhaps it was simply the sheer joy of being effortlessly indifferent? And perhaps that will come in time with abstinence? I don't know. 

Molly, I don't think there's a huge black line that differentiates between those that abstain and those that drink 'rationally' especially with the help of medication. I know that goes against the popular, and oh-so-pervasive brand of treatment. They're wrong, though. And it's only one of the many things that's wrong with treatment. But I don't want to digress too much. Let me just say that the research shows that some of us can drink, (gasp! Did I really say that? Are hearts stopping all over the treatment communities? Well, the ones that read here... Meaning like 16 people...) Anyway, abstinence-only treatment is a double edged sword in many ways. Insistence on abstinence leads many people to avoid treatment at all. (Go to AA, never drink again, give up all your friends and find all new ones. Pfffft. Many reasons to love AA, but those are not among them. <getting down from mini-soapbox>)

For me, abstinence is the best choice. It keeps it simple. If I didn't want to get out of my head, if I didn't want to escape into something, preferably a bottle, if I didn't feel like I needed booze, I'd drink. But I do. Feel and think all of those things. So I don't, can't, won't, drink. But the reason I love this forum, and stick around here, is because we all have our own journeys and ending addiction isn't the same for each of us. I drank moderately, rarely, well below what's considered unhealthy or dangerous, for four years. My experience is no less legitimate because I relapsed. I stopped taking the medication, got completely overwhelmed, depressed and anxious, and voila! Guess what? The solution to my discomfort, my mental illness and discord, was there in the bottom of a bottle. bottleS. 

Thanks for the encouragement about the shock collar. It's kind of amazing the difference it makes and how quickly it works. We've trained with it 5 or 6 times now, and her behavior is dramatically improved. In general, all I have to do is use the vibrate feature now. Still working on 'leave it', which is the big one and the most dangerous in terms of her biting someone again. She has to learn that she can't guard or protect things, even food or a beef bone. I don't think I'd have been able to train her with positive reinforcement alone. Even offered special treats, she'll growl and snap at my hand if I get too close. The shock collar deters her from reaching for the bone (or whatever) and then she gets rewarded with the treats. Seriously amazing the difference it makes. 

(No, he didn't need stitches, by the way. He could have gotten them, but since I know a little bit about wound care and all that, we decided that it would prolong the agony if he got stitches. I was mostly worried about infection, but it's healed very nicely. The scar won't even be brag-worthy! Not that he's bragging. He's totally lying to people when they ask him what happened. Doesn't want to admit our beloved [ha] pup bit him!) 

@Mom2JTx3, sorry about the increase in drinking and the need to go back up. I have an unsolicited suggestion, for whatever that's worth. I wouldn't wait to go back up and nip that in the bud, with a focus on abstaining and/or managing anxiety and mood in other ways, too. Prolonging the agony may lead to prolonged agony. I don't know what lead to my extended relapse, exactly, which continued in spite of increases in baclofen, but I hope that if it happens again, (gods forbid) I'll work harder to Just Stop. As if that ever worked for me. (Which it didn't. Ever.)

@Nicnak, that's sooo great that your husband is sober! Wow! Must mean a great deal to you that he's finally accepted that he can't drink. Long may it last! Is he going to AA? (Despite my little rant above, I do love meetings and the people I meet there. I'm nothing if not hypocritical. It's the sign of brilliance, right? ;)) I agree with @Mom2JTx3 that adding another med to the mix might be a positive step to stop boozing. If not campral, maybe naltrexone, or even topamax? 

@StuckinLA, congrats on 6 months. Forgot to mention that before I signed off. Just great, brother. Are you writing? Sorry about the job insecurity. I have no doubt about the fact that you'll continue to be employed, but I know that my optimism doesn't count for much in the real world. Sorry, too, about the girlfriend. I guess? I know I've written it over and over again, so you'll have read it a billion times, but the best thing Ed and I did was live separately for awhile. I mean, it doesn't work for everyone, or even most. But we figured out how to be together while living apart. 

I'm actually pretty optimistic about my marriage right now. (Back to me, of course!) Maybe it's because the antidepressant is actually working. (Really! The difference is night and day!) Maybe it's because we keep plugging along, both in therapy, both trying to make things work. Whatever. We're starting to enjoy our time together again. It's nice. Better than that. 

Now I'm rambling? 

@Otter, I'm so relieved for your family that you made that really difficult decision and sent your mother-in-law back to London. I don't doubt that it will help your wife grow, if she can learn not to internalize the damage her mother has caused her. I'm still taking the MCT oil, every morning in my coffee. I can't say that I've noticed an appreciable difference in my gut health or my well-being. I attribute my better mood to the effects of the antidepressant I'm taking. (An SSRI! Eek!) In fact, the MCT oil causes GI distress. I figured I'd titrate up slowly (being an expert in how to do that!) but any more than a teaspoon and I get crampy, gassy, and, well, runny. I'll give it another month, maybe, and report back. 

I got the results from psychological testing yesterday. Diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder, which is no surprise. No ADD, which is also no surprise since the new diagnostics relies much more on physical impulsivity, which I don't have. Impulsivity, I mean. Definitely have a textbook case of ADD, if you're using the old textbooks. Ha. But not something that's going to be treated with Adderall or other stimulants, which is a relief. Could be that I'll just continue to be comfortable having too many things going on, and being late for everything. I'm one of those that actually kind of likes being distractable. Makes me (I think) fun and interesting. Must be a pain in the foot to live with someone like me, though. I feel sorry for Ed. Funny story, my last for today. Based on some things that Ed said to our therapist, she diagnosed me (prior to results of the psychological testing) with ADD. Apparently the fact that there are 'projects' going on in every room of our house, and the garage and the shed and the gardens, is indicative of my scatteredness. Or something. Who knows what he told her? But poor guy. Good thing I'm fun. I hope!

Hope, too, it's a good day for you peeps! Peace out. 

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@Ne1

yes,hubby is going to AA and local alcohol services meetings in the same genre.Hes thrown himself into it and even went to a quize night the other night!...came back with lots of raffle prizes.Its my birthday this week (49 eekkk! ) and I've said that if I'm not indifferent by then I will go alcohol free with him on Monday (another eek)

@Mom2JTx3

I vaguely tried naltrexone and also got prescribed Nalmefene by local alcohol services but the side effects were horrendous,really really bad!...the side effects from naltrexone were ok and I always think about trying it again but.....it's the indifference I am chasing.

Since I have said I will go alcohol free in Monday I have thought about campral.

I lost 3.5 stone last summer when I was indifferent and felt terrific but I have put a stone back on with the drinking as I eat my way through a bottle of wine so that's an incentive as well as I don't ever want to be fat again 

 

 

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@Ne Thanks.  It seemed she was coping well but she collapsed the next day. It's about not ever being allowed to grow as a person. Some people treat their kids that way... or maybe it's hard wired into us as animals.  I have no idea.  I just want to move on, for once. The one thing it did was to leave my wife and her daughters here, on good terms, with no unpleasantness between them. The sister in law is now the "enemy"...  It's a difficult situation living abroad and having someone get ill.  Travel insurers want to cut their losses and get people home, regardless of the cost of a flight. As soon as a person is fit to fly, off they go.   We can't get insurance cover here for her so it was never on the cards that she would stay. 

I didn't want her to stay, so, I didn't mention that she has free state medical coverage here.  Not good enough for this crew. They think the NHS is better, look down on foreign medical treatment, until they get MRSA.

I wonder what dosage of bac, campral and LCT one is supposed to take.  I am taking baclofen and campral morning and night and I do notice a difference in my anxiety level, definitely.  It's very subtle but I am thinking differently.  I can't really explain.

My wife deliberately had a drink and is very upset now. She was on the phone to her daughter saying how she had no power to stop her mum being taken home.  This would have been a criminal kidnapping in any other situation. The patient rep was in nearly in tears, shouting down facetime at my sister in law that she couldn't do this.  The problem is going to be that the sister in law back home is pretty hard nosed and just wants rid of her mum. So, she'll put her in a nursing home at great expense, go through the money... the old lady will be left with no family to visit her. That's why she came here. There's nine of us here within a twenty minute drive of each other and we are all working from home, with total flexibility.  In the end, it is the fact that the old lady turned her nose up at us and would not consider staying with us.  She's made her own bed now. It's sad to see someone distraught like that but it's her decision.  She's made her bed. She can lie in it. 

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On 6/6/2017 at 7:43 PM, Otter said:

I grow more and more convinced that my wife has a deep seated limbic system disorder and that most of her anxiety is due to her relationship with her mother

Innate neurological disorders & the effects of environmental stress are not mutually exclusive.  You can have both problems, & your wife probably does, however you don't have to pick them apart or go into therapy or whatever (some people would disagree with that last statement) in order to get your brain back on track.  Baclofen seems able to adjust your brain transmitters to allow you to function better whatever the primary problem.  Many alcoholics claim that some problem in their life "drove them to drink" yet baclofen can still help them become sober.

I didn't realise there are 9 of you out there!  What a great potential support network.  Your MIL as you said has made her own bed.  Poor old lady, let's hope she doesn't regret it.

20 hours ago, Nicnak said:

I've said that if I'm not indifferent by then I will go alcohol free with him on Monday

Good decision.  And keep taking the baclofen - it will make being AF easier.  Honestly!

 

23 hours ago, Ne1 said:

it's not the 'eternal search for a high', it's the search for easing some sort of fundamental discomfort

My feeling is that being "high" does remove any fundamental discomfort, so maybe we mean the same thing.  It's just wanting to feel more at ease really.

I'm glad you saved some cash by treating the bite at home - if you go to A&E in the UK with a dogbite they fill you up with antibiotics which will probably give you diarrhoea & increase the volume of drug resistant bugs in the world without making a big difference to healing.  Good wound cleaning & proper dressing are key - but I expect you know that!

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Thanks for the preemptive congrats, everyone. 6 months AF today. It feels... fine.

Super stressed over the job situation. Like, hiding in my room stressed. Things seem to be in yet another downward spiral of collapse with the girl. She was out of town with friends over the weekend, so didn't text much. But now she's back to being upset that I'm not texting or engaged or something. Really unclear what's changed (nothing), but she is unhappy. And I don't want to make her unhappy, but I also don't have a whole lot of emotional space to deal with the situation right now.

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Currently not AF, but close as it is the goal again.  Down from 26 units to 6 over the last week.  Did 6 months until insanity hit the fan and I stopped all my meds.  Maintenance doses; not for pleasure.  Using Valium 10mg a day and 15mg Baclofen at the moment.   I understand from a couple studies that this combo can assist in AWS.  I could increase the valium but benzo addiction scares me.  Its not going as fast as I would like but I don't want the cold turkey insanity of the last number of times (Kindled).  Have Naltrexone on hand but I'm afraid it will make AWS worse so my taper is working so far.  Anyone have opinions on how Naltrexone effects Alchohol withdrawal symptoms.  Have my GP appointment today to check on my progress.  Always honest.  Dentist today too.  Joined a DBT group that I hope will help.  Get my dog today, not my new puppy yet :)  Bought another puppy but don't get her for a month.  Built a huge cage 8ft x 8ft and play toys in it.  Need advice for cool things to add to it.  So far I have a PVC 10" x 6 ft pipe for a tunnel to run through.  A sandbox to fill with water for cooling down and washing.  3 serious pegs and 100 feet of wire on order to hold the dog in place without entangling it.

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Hi everyone. Thanks @Mom2JTx3 for tagging me. I have not visited this site in awhile now. My taper is going well. I am now down to 250mgs per day. I tried 240 for 2 days last week but the anxiety was overwhelming. I will openly admit, I have been using MJ quite a bit- basically every night after the kids go to bed. I've heard you can't get addicted to MJ but not sure how true that is. The good news is that I use a vaporizer and don't smoke- so at least I'm saving my lungs. It probably sounds like I'm trying to justify it here (I am) but I only use it once the kids go to bed to relax and watch TV with my wife. I have no urges for it during the day and it has not interfered at all with my work. I feel guilty about using MJ (don't know why) but I am also a strong supporter of legalization. MJ has not caused me any of the problems alcohol did but I also feel like I'm trading one addiction for another.

    Anyway, on to the real news. Last Wednesday (May 31st) I was feeling intense pain in the middle of the right side of my middle back. It woke me up at 5 in the morning that day.  I thought it was just a muscle pull but the pain got worse throughout the day. By the time I got home it was excruciating to breathe in deeply.  I thought it was a muscle pull but it was weird that it was on the inside. Luckily, my wife demanded that I go to the ER. I fought her on it but she won out.  While in the ER they discovered that I had a large pulmonary embolism (blood clot) in my right lung and a smaller one in my left lung. I was admitted immediately and put on blood thinners and was not allowed to move because they were scared that the clot could go to my brain. They think this was caused by either the severe sciatica in my right calf or more likely family history. All of my standard blood tests came back clear but I am waiting on one test that will come back in 3 weeks. It is called the Factor 5 test and it tells if the condition is hereditary. I believe it might be as my mother started getting severe blood clots in her legs around the age of 40.
     I stayed in the hospital for 4 days and was released last Saturday. I was then put on bed rest until Wednesday this week and returned to work on Thursday. They are treating this with Xarelto which I am going to be on for a minimum of 6 months. If the test comes back that it is hereditary I will be on it for life. I'm very thankful that my wife made me go to the ER. The Dr. told me that if I hadn't, it was likely that I'd be there within 48 hours in an ambulance. Scary stuff. For now I am not allowed to do much of anything. Exercise is completely out- I'm just supposed to take it easy. I don't mind the medicine so much but it also makes me a hemophiliac. If I get anything deeper than a paper cut I might need to go to the ER to get the blood to clot. I guess you take the good with the bad. I'll just need to learn to be more careful.

     Not sure if I shared this previously, but my son did get accepted into the Governors School. He leaves August 11th. Very proud of him but going to miss having him around the house. Very thankful the school is only 40 minutes away and we can still see him on weekends. Tomorrow we are having a bash at our house to celebrate my son's 16th birthday and his going away party to the new school. Still tons of work to do but it should be a great time.

  For some reason, my tagging is not working now so I have a few things to add.

    Stuck- HUGE congrats on 6 months. That is amazing! I hope sobriety is allowing you to explore new venues and invest in your passions. I know that since I found indifference my life has changed drastically. 

    Mom2TTx3- I'm sorry you are having cravings. That is very strange as you noted that we both had the same switch and taper schedule. Hopefully increasing your dose will get you back to full indifference. Maybe next time you taper down you try 5mg at a time? Just an idea.

   Nicnak- wishing you the best of luck with the new meds and going dry. The beginning is very tough but you've been there before. Try to rely on your support system and I'm sure you will do great!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Man, @Jetsman32, so so so sorry to hear about the clots! That's scary stuff, and I am glad you have medical care for it.

I too am doing the nightly MJ thing. It's slowing me down for sure, but not otherwise destroying my life. I do feel bad about the smell - might be the usual paranoia but I'd hate to be bothering my neighbors if the whole place smells like pot smoke. I can't tell, really, but I'd be the worst judge.

Awesome about your son getting into school.

Keep hanging in there, everybody. Oh, and go Labour!!!

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@Jetsman32 Wow!  Thank goodness you're OK.  Glad your taper is going well.  I'm currently sitting comfortably at 270 and will stay her for the foreseeable future..  I was freaked out about the cravings since I relapsed after my first switch at 250.  As a result, I titrated up too fast, went back to 310, and then accidentally took my evening dose twice and ended up in the hospital with a Bac OD.  My poor doctor got called on the carpet by the doctor's that saw me in the hospital about prescribing BAC. :( 

Glad it's Friday.  Enjoy your weekend everyone :) 

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Rejoicings from the UK - Labour didn't win a majority, but they did well enough to produce a hung parliament, which means the Conservatives will have problems getting their less popular policies through.Hopefully the NHS will be spared complete privatisation The populace obviously liked the Labour plans to tax the rich more in order to raise wages & abolish student loans. All good news from my point of view.Now another load of voting is over maybe we can get back to real life again. 

@Jetsman32 that sounds like a serious health issue, glad you caught it in time.

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On 2017-6-9 at 8:00 PM, Molly78 said:

Rejoicings from the UK - Labour didn't win a majority, but they did well enough to produce a hung parliament, which means the Conservatives will have problems getting their less popular policies through.

Be careful what you wish for Molls, word is the DUP are coming on board They make the Tories look like liberals!

Diane Abbott for home secretary?

FWIW - They are all very poor options IMO.

On 2017-6-9 at 8:00 PM, Molly78 said:

 The populace obviously liked the Labour plans to tax the rich more in order to raise wages & abolish student loans.

You also forgot Labours policy on Cannabis, I guess this may have been influential on some.

Cannabis fulled students having benefitted from free Universities, queuing up for non existent jobs :(

Regards

 

Bacman

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22 hours ago, Baclofenman said:

Be careful what you wish for Molls, word is the DUP are coming on board They make the Tories look like liberals!

Couldn't agree more! Welcome to chaos all round.  Still - makes life interesting, I've actually been watching the news the last few days which is unusual for me (last time was the US election - clearly I have a predilection for disaster& chaos generally)

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@Nicnak Today is the day, huh? I'm sending good thoughts your way. One of the things that keeps me excited about not drinking is the reminder that I don't ever have to drink again. I mean, I could. We all could. But I don't HAVE to do it. And I don't want to. Partly (mostly?) because I'm worried that if I do drink again, at some point I will have to drink in order to be okay. I would rather find just about anything to be okay than drinking or something that ruins my life, makes me stay fat, lethargic, miserable, stupid and unconnected. Still miss it, though, of course. ugh. I think people who use naltrexone, via TSM, reach indifference or something similar. But since you're remaining abstinent, perhaps campral is a good option. 

@Jetsman32 So great to hear from you. So, so sorry to hear about the blood clots. Serious stuff! But thank goodness you were seen and treated and can now be proactive. Btw, I'm pretty sure that anything can be addictive. The difference, in my mind, is whether or not it has a negative impact on our lives. Unfortunately, I think it's hard for the addict to notice or be able to do anything about it when it becomes a problem... I've said it before, but congrats to you and your son for a job well done. 

@empyr3al I don't know about naltrexone and AWS. I would imagine that it has a negligible effect, if any. The thing is, it's not like it works overnight. It, like most meds and drastic changes in life and lifestyle, takes time to be effective. I believe in the short term use of benzos for people with alcoholism, and long term use PRN. They're incredibly effective. But I agree with you that increasing valium is probably not the best option. What about increasing the baclofen? Congrats on the successful taper. I might have misunderstood, but did you get a new dog and are waiting to get a new puppy? You must be a glutton for punishment! ;) I don't know what to suggest about the dog playground. Sounds great! My dog, however, would not be interested in any of it. She prefers couches and lounging and abhors water, except the Chesapeake Bay, which she'll dabble in so she gets remarkably dirty from sand and salt. Ever tried to get sand out of a squirmy double-coated husky? Wouldn't recommend it. Anyway. Are you planning on agility training? 

@Otter why are YOU taking baclofen and campral? That's very confusing. 

@Mom2JTx3 HOLY WHAT?! So, so sorry to hear about your trip to the hospital. Are you okay now? Indifferent again? Still drinking at all? :hug:  

@StuckinLA Official congrats! Your concern about the smell reminds me of a couple who came to look at our last apartment when we were moving out. They were VERY concerned that someone in one of the two other apartments might be a smoker. It was an old place, with 12-foot ceilings, gas radiator heat, and window air-conditioning, so no duct work or anything that might let air from one apartment flow into another. And three apartments, one on each floor, ours on the first floor. But I smoked in our apartment. Incessantly. A pack or two a day. They're going on and on about whether or not the neighbors smoked, walking through three years of cigarette-smoke-accumulation, without even noticing. Whatever. People are silly. Not to say that it isn't nice of you to be concerned! It is. I'd be bothered by the smell, if I could still smell anything... 

I'm still feeling like I'm in limbo. Some days are better than others. I am obsessively dreading visiting my brother at the end of next month and am pretty sure I'm not going to go. It's a family reunion of sorts, for my mom's 70th birthday. We haven't all been together in years. My brother was able to (no exaggeration) squeeze us in at the end of July for 4 days. I haven't decided if I should tell my parents the truth, which is that it wouldn't be good for me and I don't wanna. (Whine, whine, whine) Or if I need to come up with some legit excuse and back out at a later date. But it truly wouldn't be good for me and I really don't want to go. Plus, it looks like we're going to NYC for a show in November, followed by Thanksgiving with my cousin in Indianapolis. I'd much rather do those things and Ed's vacation time is limited. (Sort of. Not really. But taking lots of time off just means that much more stress for him...) And then we have to, and want to, spend time with his family in Maryland, and Christmas is on our turf this year. Why am I telling you guys? You don't care. In the best way, of course. Bottom line? I don't wanna and no one can make me. so there. 

Alright, time to walk the dog before the sun is blistering hot. Have to mow the lawn and sand the floor of the porch today, too. One of the last steps before the damn porch rehab, started spring 2016, is done. :) 

 

 

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Somehow I completely missed you last post @Mom2JTx3, until I saw you tagged in Ne's post. So sorry! I guess we all know bac overdoses aren't fatal or anything, but man it can be scary - been there, and I empathize. Hope you're ok, and everything is all right with your doc.

Thanks, @Ne1. I actually meant the pot smell :D - been smoking cigarettes unapologetically  inside for years with no complaints, not even from the landlord. Sounds like you have a lot of travel coming up - fun, maybe. Stressful? That too. Hope you get to do the things you want to do, and don't have to do the things that aren't good for you at the moment.

Other than that, I'm just being a slug. Been applying for a few jobs, but mostly just waiting. Still a chance I'll hear from my job this week and everything will be fine. If not, then no clue what I'll do. Have to start hustling. Probably start driving for uber and slinging coffee at a starbucks. God I pray it doesn't come to that.

 

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Forgot to mention, Stuck, that I'm sorry for all the stress. Relationship and work. It's hard to be in a place to manage someone else's expectations, especially when they're not specific expectations, when you've got so much else going on. Part of the kerfuffle that Ed and I were going through for a while was because I just couldn't or wouldn't deal with whatever he had going on. About me, or about things related to me, or any of it. Too much of my own stuff to manage without managing his, too. And man, just the fact that you're not drinking is a huge accomplishment. One you're not getting enough credit for, frankly. From yourself, anyway. It's a slog, with ups and downs were not even aware of in the moment. Anyway, hang in there. My fingers are crossed and hopes are in abundance that you hear from the job you have that you'll keep it and continue without additional stress or that hated world of limbo...

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