Jump to content
The End of my Addiction
Ne1

What's news? in June...

Recommended Posts

empyr3al

@Ne1 no this 2 1/2 year old dog that is my heart and soul.  Shared custody atm.  I'm getting another dog but I have to wait another 3 weeks legally and am just testing the cage and play park with my dog.  In regards to increasing BAC I only have enough for 30 mg a day or if I push it I can hit the switch.  But the come down from BAC I hear is hard.  So I will stock and wait until July for my specialist apt so I can push insane amounts.  I will take start taking my Naltrexone but I've been saving it (hoarding) it for extreme measures.  I have about 1000$ of it.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nicnak

Yes @Ne1 today was d day.Its 9 in the evening now and I won't drink.

@Mom2JTx3 on Friday I had gone up to 225 from 200 after only 2 days and in sat I felt really ill,there up ect and felt hungover and spaced out.The same in sun so now I'm in 175 and feel much better.

My plan was to go right down to zero and wait a few months because it worked that way last time but I had no cravings today or very little.But the constipation is still really bad and I can't go without the aid of either double doses of laxatives or an anal pessary 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BarrelChested

@Molly78  There's a unicorn on my passport as well. Well, one of them, at least.  Anyway, they don't let me vote... but I'm not disinterested.  If Maggie was the Iron Lady, perhaps Ms May will be known as the cat-tin Torry?  I sincerely hope that the UN-ELECTED, Trump-sycophanting rubbish will be binned within the week. I wish her ill... mostly as a proxy for the international disgrace of Yankee politics.

@StuckinLA  There are several variants of this theme... but, well, I also went to university. We called it an "Odiotron;" stuff several dryer sheets into a tube (I used a Desert Storm-era-issue flashlight) and exhale through it. It traps 85% of the smell. The rest is a towel by the door and an egress fan.  Of course, there ARE edibles (look-up "de-carboxylation"); simultaneously, understand the different requirements of making oil for smoking/vapour vs food-based consumption (it matters).  N.b., food-based THC is "different:" it's as different as a wine-buzz vs a whisky buzz. YMMV.

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ne1

@empyr3al is that your dog in the picture? Cute! What kind of dog is the puppy? Very exciting! We'll be ready for another puppy in... maybe a year. Enough time to recover from our current dog's misbehavior when she was a puppy. I blame it on myself, of course, but have to say that I've had many, many dogs over the years and she was more curious and destructive than any of them except one. That one, a foster, literally ran into my life after we'd stopped fostering dogs. (Another long story, for another time.) The neighbors were trying to catch her, to keep her from getting hit by a car on our relatively busy street. I was getting out of my car and she ran up and jumped into my lap. So we kept her as a foster. Named her Angel. (Don't judge. It's hard naming dogs when you get a new one every month.) Angel was a devil. Weighed in at 30 lbs, but tormented our two big dogs (60 and 80 lbs). She would corner them in our fenced yard. Got to the point where they figured out how to get on top of our picnic table to avoid her yappy teeth. She also dug, in and outside of the house. It was years before we got another foster dog. That one was a terror, too. But mostly because she was a hound dog, very poorly trained, clearly had never had an indoor home, and (ugh) ate her own poop. What was I talking about? You. Right. So are you thinking that the pup will be into tunnels and stuff? 

@Nicnak Congrats on day 1! Sorry about the ongoing GI troubles with baclofen. But maybe you can wait a little while to titrate completely off and/or start campral, just to get your quit off to a good start? While I'm not indifferent, I have no doubt that baclofen curbs the cravings. Based on my own feelings and based on how many people I know from rehab who slipped or relapsed shortly after leaving. 

More of the same here for me today. Peace out, peeps! 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
empyr3al

@Ne1 the dog in my avatar is my current dog.  Its a poovanese at 2 1/2 yr.  I may have posted him testing out the water bath in a photo.  The little tiny pup is a Shih Zu crossed with a Jack Russel.  It must be hard fostering and becoming attached and then having to let them go after you bond.  My ex wife and I spent hours upon hours training the one in my avatar.  Benny.  Has some bad quirks like chasing squirrels and cats.  My cat was tolerant at the time so he might be looking for him even though he has passed on.  I'm curious the temperment of the dog I'm buying.  A google search explained a lot so i think they will pair well.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nicnak

Well today is day 2 and all went well.I do think the Bac is having an anti craving effect.I don't know if anyone has seen this documented anywhere but it's happened to me twice before when I've gone up quite high over my original switch dose and still not found indifference so titrated down and have more anti craving effect.Not indifference but the intense cravings as usual

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
empyr3al

@Nicnak  I have like 3000mg of baclofen but not enough of a script to continue.  I have to wait until July.  Apparently I'm not an immediate death threat so they don't pay attention to me.  I will study what you have said though.  Serikuosly without threatening my license to drive I have to be careful.  I know my caution but I spent years getting it back and no drug will take it away.

Edited by empyr3al
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nicnak

@empyr3al in the U.K. Very very few people get Bac prescribed by a gp.Most of us get it from abroad.I get mine from Goldpharma and it's a very easy process but they seem to have stopped trading so will have to use one of the other trusted sites when I need more

scrub that,I have just been able to log in

Edited by Nicnak
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
empyr3al

I think I can push it in July with the specialist.  My GP limits it to 30mg a day.  I just need to have some patience.  All I am thinking about is that my dog is not in his cage.  Screwing with me big time.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
StuckinLA

@Nicnak yes I remember a few people who found the switch on the way back down. Can't remember for the life of me who, but it was on MWO.

Think it has to do with the SEs, you get so caught up in the push upward and wrapped up in focusing on the SEs that you kind of miss the indifference. Then on the way down when the SEs lighten up you realize you're actually not drinking and indifferent. Has happened, and hope it's happened for you!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
StuckinLA
On 6/12/2017 at 9:12 AM, Ne1 said:

And man, just the fact that you're not drinking is a huge accomplishment. One you're not getting enough credit for, frankly. From yourself, anyway. It's a slog, with ups and downs were not even aware of in the moment.

Forgot to mention, thanks for this, Ne. Truly. I've read these sentences over and over, and they mean the world to me.

It's hard to feel, like deep down feel, like any credit is deserved, ya know? I think about drinking just about every day, many days its honestly my first thought upon waking up. That's probably why I've traded the one (weed) for the other (booze). And not sure now if escaping with pot is just making me think more about escaping with liquor, or what. Probably would be best to just give it all up and focus on life or whatever, but I don't think I'm there at the moment. Anyway whatever.

School's done, grades are turned in. That's two straight school terms I've gone through start-to-finish without booze. Ends of terms are always very difficult, going from busy busy busy to a dead stop. And trying to figure out what's next and get into a new, hopefully productive rhythm.

It would be hella easier to get to work on my book or other projects if I had some job security. In the absence of that, I don't know. Guess I'll just sit around fretting for a few days and see what happens by the end of the week.

Hope it's a good one, y'all.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
StuckinLA

Three years on the academic job market, and today I bask in the glory of an upcoming Skype interview.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ne1

Hullooooooo!

@StuckinLA, I feel ya'. More than you know. I am obsessed with drinking at the moment. It ebbs and flows, but this week, in the evenings, it's been tough. Again, there's no way I wouldn't have caved if it wouldn't completely freak my husband out. I think. Who knows? Anyway, it is definitely hard to credit myself for being sober all this time when it feels like things are, like I am, still such a mess. Totally different from the first time I got sober, which also messes with my mind a bit. Glad what I said made you feel good, and that you hang on to it. When I first got out of rehab, people were amazed at how good I looked and yadda yadda. Now? Not so much. I mean, I don't know if that was true then, and I definitely don't think it's true now. Whatever. I'm rambling. Wish I could drink, but I can't, so there. I'm pretty sure that this is the longest I've ever gone without any alcohol at all. I know it is. In my entire adult life. Not saying it's not going to happen at some point, because that freaks me the hell out, but it's not going to happen today. And no, based on what you've said and how I'm feeling, I don't know if using pot makes the wish for drinks any more enticing. I don't know how you feel about it, but when I crave something, it's for THAT thing, and that thing alone. So if it's a Reese's, MnMs won't cut it. And if it's Haagen Dasz Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream, Everything But The isn't going to work. Plus, I'm a drunk. I like booze. I've taken and used other things, but none of 'em come close to my one true love. You? 

How was the interview and what does next semester look like? 

@empyr3al, Jack Russel's scare me. Seriously. The only dog that ever came close to biting me and it was aiming for my throat. Don't get me wrong, that was a seriously troubled pooch, but still. I also fostered one for a minute until I realized that it was smarter than I was and had 17x the energy of most mammals. More like a hummingbird. But she's a mix, and Shih Tzu's are sweet and lovely. Maybe the perfect balance? Do you have the pup yet?

It'll be interesting to see if you get baclofen from your specialist. I hope so. It's actually pretty encouraging that you got even 30mg from your GP. Keep us tuned in.

@Nicnak, how goes it, sister? Is today day 9? (Not that I'm counting for you!) I have definitely had the experience of losing interest in booze after titrating down some. I don't think that's an uncommon phenomenon, actually, especially for people who take loads of it. How long 'til you're completely off? How's your husband doing? Are you going to meetings and all that jazz with him? 

@terryk, Terryk's in the house! Woot!! Thanks, friend. So far so good. I guess. 

I've been AWOL again, obvs. Been playing with a friend of mine on a business plan to expand her business, and helping her shop for wedding dresses. I think I mentioned here (but maybe not) that I was heartbroken because I wasn't asked to be in the wedding, and she's my bestestFF. I didn't say anything to her, didn't want it to be a thing, and really didn't want to overreact, which I'm doing with everything these days. Turns out she's not having a wedding party. I'm an idiot. But, glad I didn't make a big deal out of it, and glad, too, to be able to just continue our relationship as usual. She's always been my rock, and is really helpful these days. Went to my parent's house in Baltimore, too. It was a good visit, which surprised me. No heavy stuff. No eye-rolling, no "What're you going to do with your life?" or "What are you waiting for?" I got up the nerve to tell them that I didn't want to go to my brother's house next month, that I didn't think it would be good for me. And you know what? They just said that I had to do what's best for me and they'd support the decision either way. WHAT?!? Also did some shopping, went to the Sunday farmer's market, bought some art from Marc Cottman's gallery. And walked Pete all over the city in the very early morning before it was scorching hot. Fun stuff. 

I'm suddenly on a mission to get artwork up on my walls. And get the house in order and ready for company, which is funny, since we haven't even had anyone over for dinner in a couple of years, much less a get-together. But I think it all means that I'm coming out of depression. As I wrote to friends, climbing out from the depths of nihilistic despair, or at least resigned to the fact that suicide really isn't a viable option, so might as well just get on with things. Ed jokes that every time I meet someone, if I like them at all, I ask them to dinner, without bothering to check with him. Random strangers for dinner (that doesn't sound right) is fun. Or could be again. Right? I just don't know what I'd talk about right now... Politics and religion are out, for obvious reasons. I haven't worked or done anything interesting in forever, except an all expenses trip to Williamsburg for rehab. woohooo. 

Hmmm. One last story, and a bitchy one at that. My mom decided to give me a bunch of her jewelry, because, among other pieces, her rings don't fit her anymore.  Costume, mostly, but also three rings, all sapphires and diamonds. BIG sapphires and diamonds. Anyway. She hadn't talked to my dad about it, so she did that while I was making dinner. Came back upstairs and told me that they agreed that they should offer them first to my sister-in-law, because I'm inheriting my grandmother's jewelry when my mom dies. I was like, wait. I have to wait 20-30 years, and you're giving the woman who is dripping in diamonds, more diamonds? Remember, or for those of you who don't know, my brother is a Big Deal in finance. Like in the Wall Street Journal kind of big. My sister-in-law's diamond earrings would buy a new car, without exaggeration. They live where movie stars live. My brother just finished getting his MBA from Harvard. And I'm the smart one in the family, ffs. I know this is whiney. I know I am a petty and miserable human being. But can some of you, or at least one of you, understand my pain? Yes, yes. It's self-induced. And depression lies. And self-worth is not defined by financial or career or personal success. Except when it is, which is ALWAYS. Three beautiful, blond, skiing, surfing, smart California kids, and they just got a dog, who is already trained for God's sake. Someone shoot me. *sigh* Rant over. Oh, let me mention that my sister-in-law has run marathons, done triathlons, is in better shape than she was when she was young, and has always been an unapologetic vegetarian? You know what she's not? Thoughtful, communicative, empathetic...

Sorry. I'm done now. Terrible way to end my first post in a week, but whatevs. It's what I have. 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
StuckinLA

Yes, thank you @terryk. And @Ne1, petty slights and revenge fantasies were for a long time the only things keeping me going :D. I feel ya', and this is your space to let all that out - not let go, but get off your chest and hopefully feel a bit better for it.

As for things here, had the interview today. Anybody watch New Girl? Remember the scene where somebody asked Winston how his interview went? Can't find a clip of the video, so here's a paraphrase: "It was amazing. *I* was amazing. I was so amazing that at one point I stepped outside of my body and watched myself being amazing."

Anyway, waiting to hear confirmation and details, but they asked if I am available for a campus visit (next round, like a 2-day interview) next week. So, who knows. Maybe I'm unemployed. Maybe I have about a month and a half to move across the friggin' country to NYC. Maybe the rabbit is coming with, maybe not. Who knew all of a sudden, and seemingly at random, my decade in LA would come to this quick end? Well, I would have known. Of course it would end like this.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mom2JTx3
11 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

Maybe I have about a month and a half to move across the friggin' country to NYC.

Glad the interview went well!  What will you do with your username is your no longer stuck in LA?  FreeInNYC? :)

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ne1

I am mortified. Is there anything more pathetic than bald insecurity and gross envy? I think not. I will excuse myself, or rather rationalize my paltry mindedness, with the hope that when I'm not mired in depressive hell, I will begin to see something sunny and joyful in being...me. And enjoying the fruits of my brother's very hard-won labor, by waterskiing on Lake Tahoe or sailing under the Bay Bridge in San Fransisco, all the while being proud of, and happy for, him and them. 

NYC? Wooohooooo! :) hmmm. I guess? It's gonna be coooold. I know that's the least of your worries, that I'm being obtuse. Still. There's a lot to be said for NYC. Congrats, of course, on the amazingness. Not that I doubted it for a minute, as we all know you're amazing, even when you do not. 

Rabbits are probably the only animals, aside from gerbils, which have even less personality than rabbits, ( ;) ) that could (probably) comfortably abide in NYC. I wonder what the kitties will leave on your doorstep if you do move there? Homeless people? hmmm. I doubt they're allowed anymore. I mean, they made the cabbies nice, and even nicer now that Uber is taking over the world (despite the recent self-destruction of the founder, that creepy neanderthal). 

Gotta run. Appointment with shrink this morning. She wants to do some regressive stuff, which freaks me out. But we both agree that I am currently stuck in my 14-year-old mind, when things started to go haywire and shortly after I discovered boys and booze, to my regret, so she thinks we should start there. Or go back there. As if living through it the first time wasn't bad enough. 

Peace out, peeps. 

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MJM

I drank on a car launch 2 nights ago. it was a wine-matched meal. Like McDonalds, only better. I was under stress, because although I started my career as a writer I now need to perform like a seal. A video presenter seal. So I was stressed about that. Drinking again tonight. Wishing that I did not exist. That would be better. Not very happy ATM. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
empyr3al

@Ne1 not for another 3 weeks.  Met its parents well, dogs.  So I kind of get an aspect of how it is going to work.  It will not be like my Poov which hardly barks and wants to meet everyone.  Going to be interesting to compare and hopefully the poov can train the puppy.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nicnak

Today would have been day 11 but I've drank on 3 different occasions but one day at a time.Im down to 25mg of bac

@MJM....don't know what to say but I know how you feel

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
StuckinLA

So sorry about the stress and the drinking, @MJM. Hang in there! You too, @Nicnak. Hope things go OK and get back on track for you two.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Molly78
7 hours ago, MJM said:

. Drinking again tonight. Wishing that I did not exist

Tonight is just tonight, not the rest of your life.  No reason to wish you did not exist.  Imagine if one of our non-alcoholic peers decided that drinking twice in 3 days was a reason to wish yourself out of this world.  Their friends would think they were mad.   Alcoholic intake is not the be all & end all for most of the human race - just for us nutters on this site!

Having said that, we're all with you, we all feel your pain.

But tomorrow is another day, with or without alcohol.  Hang in there.

Edited by Molly78
  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
empyr3al

If we need to rehash.  Slip is an accident, lapse is a day, relapse is physical dependence.  Try again.  Keep trying.

Got my dog a couple weeks early than legally because of some weird circumstances or the breeder wanted a freaking fix and needed money.  I would hate to think that, but would hope its not the truth.  But i would not put it past him.

Honesty is the only way I get through days.

I drank today too and feel horrible, but will not let it destroy me.  Its not the end of the world.

It was hard to let my dogs meet and took so much attention i did not drink until way later tonight.

$2000 CAD in anti alcohol meds and counting,  NAL, Mirt, Campral.  Use them sparingly to control myself.  It gets the better of me sometimes so they are controlled.  Benefits don't last forever, but hope for sobriety lasts forever.  If you have found this place you are in a better spot than most.

Edited by empyr3al
Some specifics
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Molly78
7 hours ago, empyr3al said:

 Slip is an accident, lapse is a day, relapse is physical dependence

That's an interesting phrase @empyr3al!  One to ponder on I think.

I came back & edited my post last night in case it seemed not supportive enough of @MJM.  Just seems that we all beat ourselves up so much over a few drinks - maybe because AA have drummed it into everyone that we alcos are just not allowed  to ever have a drink, unlike the rest of the population.  And if we do, we are on the path to hell.  So that makes us feel like a complete failure as soon as it happens.  Plus so many people on this forum are striving to be completely alcohol free - not a bad thing at all, but it's not the only lifestyle to aim for.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BarrelChested
On 6/22/2017 at 1:55 PM, Ne1 said:

And no, based on what you've said and how I'm feeling, I don't know if using pot makes the wish for drinks any more enticing. I don't know how you feel about it, but when I crave something, it's for THAT thing, and that thing alone

For a while, I was consuming (albeit in very small amounts) "the other." I found that it helped tremendously. I found it to be a poor substitute for "My One And Only Love"  (also the title of a great torch song by Johnny Hartman & John Coltrane). You cannot replace true love. This island of misfits adores the booze that laps at its shores, secluding us here. I heard a story about Niihau, a few months ago (This American Life #611: Vague and Confused). There were a few people that had left the island... and the way they talked about loosely parallels my relationship with booze. I enjoyed the podcast. Annnnyway...

"The other" doesn't let me forget about booze. It's just a different sensation. It's not "that one girl." Even after all of these years, I just had a micro-shutdown, a pause and a sigh as I remembered her. It's unlikely that I'll feel the same -- and to the same depth -- about another girl.  Parts of that kind of love are scary. It was too intense. And maybe that's not an unfair analogy for my relationship with booze.  I've had relationships since then (fsck me, though, it's been a while)... and they've been good (I've been very lucky; I've dated some lovely girls)... and I was able to appreciate and love each of them differently.  So, with weed... it's enough. It's a substitute... but one that treats me more kindly. It's a healthier relationship... and it is far less damaging to my body and to my psyche.

The job is going quite well, so far. We're still in the honeymoon period. I took a big risk leaving a prestigious, hard-to-get-into company. I'm glad that I took the risk. The only detractor of the new gig is that I'm not able to indulge in the "alternatives." You might recall how I nearly lost my mind freaking out about a pre-employment screen.  I mention this because, well, booze is a tool. It's a symptom of an underlying problem. I drink from boredom and I drink to dull the blade of stress. Without my crutch, I find myself drinking more often (a few days per week).  By my rough calculations, I'm drinking at 20% of my pre-Naltrexone levels. I consider that to be a huge success.  But as @Jetsman32 knows, I go to eleven. I'm also not amused by the hellish hangovers I'm getting. I didn't go out on Friday... but yesterday was a friend's birthday... and, well...  Ah, and I had a work function on Thursday.  I digress.  I'm doing "okay" but I wish that I was doing better.

And since I've started this novel, I may as well finish it. So, the gout attack was horrible and long... but it has passed. And then I got a new job and a dog. The dog takes-up a LOT of my time (I welded-up a contraption to let him run along-side my MTB; I try to give him two 15min runs per day and 1-2 walks... with a few outings to the dog park).  I went from doing more than 10-15 hours of exercise per week to zero. With the dog (possibly not one of my better choices), I just don't see where there's time to squeeze-in exercise. Ugh.  However, I KNOW that exercise is critical to my mental/spiritual well-being and that it has a TREMENDOUS moderating effect on my bottle lust. Double-ugh.

That's all that I have to report. @Ne1's recent post about diets/etc has me thinking that I need to straighten-up and fly right. I just don't know how I can squeeze-in more stuff. This dog... well, he's pretty great. As far as dogs go, I don't think that I could have hoped for better. I've taught him a few tricks/commands (he's pretty good at "stay") and we're starting obedience training in a few days. At the same time, well, I don't "love" the dog. I like him... but I don't feel a strong emotional connection. I dunno -- growing up, I loved the sh1t out of my dog. Perhaps I've cauterized my soul over the years? I've been thinking about it... and, well, I generally need more than a pretty face to even want to sleep with a girl (beyond the abstract, "oh, fsck, she's hot -- I hope that ..."). With a girl, I want/need to actually "like" her -- based on conversation/connection/etc.  So, that I don't love my dog... maybe this is not unusual? Or, hell, maybe I'm just a sh1thead and the dog is a canary in the coal mine. <shrug>

So, there's all that's fit to print. And a little extra. Sadly, that's all there is. There are no romantic trysts to report (ah, well, except that I ditch a very attractive girl because she believes that everything that contradicts her views is "fake news;" what if the condom broke? There are enough stupid, hateful people in the world -- can't risk it).  I'm not trying to talk about politics, mind you. I simply cannot abide intellectual laziness and a willfully non-critical mind. With that approach, I doubt that she'll be able to grow as a person... and, well, that beautiful exterior is both thin and has an expiry date...

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MJM

Thanks for the kind words guys. I didn't know that I had written something in this thread (I wrote in MJM's Progress thread) - I was in a blackout. Yes I think it is partly the AA guilt thing but also the fact that I do feel like shit after drinking... and it's pretty obvious my choice to drink brought that on.

The main problem here I think is depression. I am not dealing with it, so it hangs over my head most of the time. I have not really been happy for a while. My wife has been sober here and there but is drinking again, which doesn't help.

 

Edited by MJM
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ne1

Oh, wow. I really do love you all. Sincerely.

On 6/25/2017 at 2:15 AM, empyr3al said:

If we need to rehash.  Slip is an accident, lapse is a day, relapse is physical dependence.  Try again.  Keep trying.

@MJM, what everyone else said. I'm glad you came back to read their words of support. I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiments. I would perhaps disagree with @empyr3al definitions, but I may be quibbling over semantics. I think, for me, relapse is a state of mind. Need and want become indistinguishable and the desire for escape, for relief, is overwhelming. Lizard-brain takes over. But that's much beside the point. 

If you're miserable, MJM, maybe it's time to try another antidepressant? I can finally say, with just a little bit of hesitation and a superstitious knock on wood, that I'm coming out of depression. It's Lexapro. No other explanation for it, honestly, as I was doing healthier things more consistently before I started to feel dramatically, unaccountably, better.  After being on 10mg for about a month, and being on the increased dose of 20mg for about a week, I started waking without a sense of dread and the anhedonia I was experiencing all day, every day suddenly dissipated. It's kind of miraculous. And it should be noted that it was completely unexpected. I didn't think something as *simple* as Lexapro would work. I mean, I'm a snowflake, after all, and expected to have to take a concoction of off-label, totally unique to my personal brain-chemistry, pills and potions and whatnot. Nope. One little pill, and an SSRI at that! Never would have tried it if I hadn't been both desperate and resigned to the idea that nothing would ever work so I might as well just do it. What would it matter? Et viola. Here I am bathing and walking the dog and even (gasp) talking on the phone! Went to a relative's birthday party, three hours away, on Saturday! By myself! (It sucked. Don't know what I was thinking. ha.) Just a thought, MJM, based on my own experience and maybe some scientific stuff which says (surprise!) antidepressants work for people who are depressed. Whoda thought? In the meantime, know that drinking doesn't make you bad, much less a bad person. It's our go-to. The panacea that doesn't work, but should. And this is a lifelong thing we're all working on. Not that it's a lifelong struggle (please God, or whomever), but rather it's finding a new way of living and coping and being okay with ourselves and others. Perfection, even as a goal, is anathema to progress. 

It's doggy-palooza 'round here! Yipppeeee! Y'all are making me wanna run out to the shelter and surprise my husband, which is how we ended up with our first two. Of course, at this point, he'd probably throw me and the new dog out. @barrelchested (why isn't my notification thing not working, @administrator???) what kind of dog do you have? That's a lot of doggy-time you have going on. Which is great! But also, if it doesn't work for you then you'll have to figure out a balance that does. We have a dog walker, and I can't recommend it enough. I mean, we don't use her regularly, because I'm home all the time. But when I'm not, well, it's a peace of mind thing but also really beneficial for the pooch's well being. It's not cheap, I know. I mean, it is, at $12/hour. But quite an expense if you're doing it daily. Still, when I start working *sigh* we'll use her on the days I work. Even with a large, fenced backyard, this breed needs lots of exercise. Barring that, maybe one long walk and dog-park on special occasions? I dunno why I'm trying to solve this for you! I'm sure you'll find a balance. As for the diet stuff, I keep meaning to get back to that thread. I haven't done anything yet, and have actually fallen off the wagon a bit, but plan on getting serious soon. I at McDonalds food when I was on the road. It's been many years since I've eaten any fastfood. My GI system revolted, as you can imagine. It was both delicious and disgusting! McDonalds french fries are soooo good. ugh. 

I'm gonna post this and then start a new post, to see if I can get the notifications to work. 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ne1

@empyr3al

hmmm. Still not working. Oh well. 

@empyr3al, I know what you mean about breeders. Ours was, in retrospect, a backyard breeder. The irony is that I worked with an animal rescue organization for years to both close down breeders like the one we got our husky from, and to rehome the dogs and cats found there. This was in North Carolina, which has very lenient laws regarding animal welfare, and so there are actually a lot of breeders there. Pretty abysmal circumstances for the animals. We got this dog because I was obsessed with our old husky, the one who was my heart of hearts. She had a pink nose, and that, I think, was what compelled me to buy this one. Seriously. Nothing rational about it. I hope, Barrelchested, you'll find that you and your dog grow together. I didn't think that Pete (my pooch) and I would ever be best buds, but she's becoming mine, and I hers. When I stayed at my parent's house on Saturday night, I woke up several times missing her and was at a loss as to what to do with myself on Sunday morning because she wasn't there. And she makes me laugh all the time now that I remember how to laugh. 

Alright. Way long enough post from me. Hi to all, and love, love, love. Thanks for being here. 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...