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The End of my Addiction
Ne1

August 2017 Checkin' In

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Ne1

It's been a while since I posted. Before I check in about me, I want to follow up on July's ending posts.

@StuckinLA, I gave up on the book. The info you posted actually really helped (I was wondering what the hell was going on with the Canada thing.) But it was just too...much. For all the reasons that are listed in the link ( @Felina ) to the hilarious 'article' about DFW's breakup letter.

Did you celebrate 8 months, my friend? 

@BarrelChested, thanks for posting that article about the neuroscientist who doesn't believe that addiction is a disease. *sigh* He's not the first, won't be the last, but in my not-so-humble-opinion he's just wrong. It's what comes of getting sober in rehab and 12-step programs, honestly, which I would bet $1.50 is his background. (He's an addict, but doesn't say how he got clean.) Anyway, it's interesting to argue the points, but mostly esoteric. Bottom line is that recovery is headed in the right direction, and it doesn't matter (well, sorta) what people call it. The granddaddy of the "It's not a disease" argument is Lance Dodes. He's a retired Harvard educated psychiatrist who has written many books about the (um) disease. http://www.lancedodes.com/new-york-times-letter/ (The link is to his website, but the first page is a letter to the editor of the NYT about Trump that made me giggle a bit.) I had a discussion with Dr. Dodes once, online, after posting in the comments on one of his blogs. Basically, I respect the man as much as despise his unwillingness to embrace modern technology and understanding of addiction. I'll just have to agree to disagree. Another one who drives me batchit crazy is Dr. Gabor Mate. He's a preeminent expert on addiction, a practicing physician in Canada and, by all accounts, an incredible man. He blames addiction on mothers. Seriously. He hates it when people say/write that, but it's what he argues in his books. He also blames ADHD/ADD on mothers. (He's written a book about that, too.) Pre- and post-natal care, early childhood, yadda yadda. And while I fundamentally disagree with that assertion, on principle and on scientific understanding of the disease of addiction, there's at least a hint of some biology in his arguments. So... Bet you didn't think you'd get an essay when you posted that link, did you? 

@empyr3al, the carpet was mostly only stapled on the edges, and we got all of it up in a weekend! Wooohoooo! God, I love wood floors and hated that carpet SO MUCH. It looks (if I say so myself) fabulous. New, original, and fun artwork on the walls, too. 

But unfortunately, I'm moving out. I can't take it anymore. My husband is walking resentment, seething it out into the ether, heating rooms with the coals of his burning anger. (Ah, I'm getting all fancy, and it's lame, but I'll leave it.)

Anyway, I gotta go. I can't breath his air anymore. And I sure as hell can't get better. There's an Oxford House** nearby, I know one of the women in it, and I'm interviewing there tonight. If I get in, and I will, I'll share a room in a dumpy house with 6 other women. I'm not sure what my life has come to at age 47, I'm loathe to think of what the future holds, but I just have to gtfo of this house and away from the pestilence that my husband brings home with him. And booze. Let me not forget, or gloss over, or deny, that booze isn't at the forefront of the issue(s). 

I'm not drinking every day, or even regularly. I think, before this weekend, I only drank 4 times. But it's enough to make me feel like shit and make him a passive-aggressive asshole at every turn. Once I decided to move out, and into OH, I started drinking. So Saturday, Sunday, Monday. I can't drink today until after my interview at 8:30pm (!!! Jesus, who does anything after 8pm? Can't believe I'm gonna have to shower and get dressed for that!) I have called out sick to work yesterday and today. I'm not sure I'll drink tonight, because I still feel really, really sick and horrible and self-loathing and self-pitying after yesterday's doozy of 14 beers with no food. And I really should go to work tomorrow, even though I just want to crawl into a closet with a bunch of bottles, cartons of cigarettes, and wait for the future to... implode. 

I pray with all my might that there isn't a tv in every room, especially not mine, and that the people who like to have it on for "background" don't live there. arrrrgh. I'm so sad/mad/etc... Wish me luck, folks.

xx

**Oxford Houses are sober living group homes for people in recovery.

 http://www.oxfordhouse.org/userfiles/file/

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redmaple

Hi Ne...wanted to say 'Hi' and wish you well.

joined the site recently and trying to help myself. right now titrating slowly with Bac, 11 days AF etc etc

anyways like I said I just wanted to wish you well, I'm really sorry to read things are so difficult for you right now. i hope its a blip and not too painful and you pass through it soon. try not to beat yourself up too much or overly worry about the future. I know its hard to avoid. I do it daily so I don't why I'm saying it

what I know for sure is you've helped me a great deal in the last few weeks. I've read a lot of posts here and on MWO as I've been trying to crawl out of the mess that constitutes my life. It is a weird thing to follow others online from afar. you especially and others here have helped me feel less isolated and alone. thankyou for that. it made a difference when I needed it most...

take care of yourself. I wish you lots of luck. I also imagine you'll be okay. hang in there!

rm

x

 

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Felina

@Ne1 I'm so sorry you're going through that. Glad you are getting away to a sober place. There are few things that are worse than living with someone who's angry like that. Always rooting for you, sister.

@redmaple Welcome, and congrats on the AF time. Being AF while titrating up on baclofen makes the whole process so much easier. Keep posting!

 

Sorry for the brief drive-by. I've been AF for several weeks now. Not sure if I'll go back to moderating or not. I'm liking my life without it.

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SKendall

Welcome, RedMaple.   I'm a CDN too.

 

 

Ne, I am so sorry what you are dealing with.  I haven't been around lately so I still have to read back.  You deserve and need a different environment from the one with Ed.  I hope OH works out.  I stopped watching TV in December and it is so peaceful and quiet.  I saw tv at the hospital and I got pissed off with the stupid commercials written for those with low IQ's.  I also have a lot more time in my day.  Although people who work and just want to watch something mindless, it serves a purpose.  Forgive me if I am repeating myself.  But I do enjoy Netflix.

I've been watching this series Rake, and it's poignant and very funny and was sad to view the last episode.

 

Stuck, what an incredible achievement - 6 months.  Be very proud of yourself!  Being sober is great, (I hope it is for you).  Even tho I wasn't on the site I thought about you a lot.  Good job, you.

 

How are you doing Felina.  I'll have to read back and catch up.  My back issues are posted in holistic and boring as hell.   Off to read more.

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SKendall

Just went back to read the article.  The guy is a crackpot plain and simple.

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fredson
15 hours ago, Ne1 said:

It's been a while since I posted. Before I check in about me, I want to follow up on July's ending posts.

@StuckinLA, I gave up on the book. The info you posted actually really helped (I was wondering what the hell was going on with the Canada thing.) But it was just too...much. For all the reasons that are listed in the link ( @Felina ) to the hilarious 'article' about DFW's breakup letter.

Did you celebrate 8 months, my friend? 

@BarrelChested, thanks for posting that article about the neuroscientist who doesn't believe that addiction is a disease. *sigh* He's not the first, won't be the last, but in my not-so-humble-opinion he's just wrong. It's what comes of getting sober in rehab and 12-step programs, honestly, which I would bet $1.50 is his background. (He's an addict, but doesn't say how he got clean.) Anyway, it's interesting to argue the points, but mostly esoteric. Bottom line is that recovery is headed in the right direction, and it doesn't matter (well, sorta) what people call it. The granddaddy of the "It's not a disease" argument is Lance Dodes. He's a retired Harvard educated psychiatrist who has written many books about the (um) disease. http://www.lancedodes.com/new-york-times-letter/ (The link is to his website, but the first page is a letter to the editor of the NYT about Trump that made me giggle a bit.) I had a discussion with Dr. Dodes once, online, after posting in the comments on one of his blogs. Basically, I respect the man as much as despise his unwillingness to embrace modern technology and understanding of addiction. I'll just have to agree to disagree. Another one who drives me batchit crazy is Dr. Gabor Mate. He's a preeminent expert on addiction, a practicing physician in Canada and, by all accounts, an incredible man. He blames addiction on mothers. Seriously. He hates it when people say/write that, but it's what he argues in his books. He also blames ADHD/ADD on mothers. (He's written a book about that, too.) Pre- and post-natal care, early childhood, yadda yadda. And while I fundamentally disagree with that assertion, on principle and on scientific understanding of the disease of addiction, there's at least a hint of some biology in his arguments. So... Bet you didn't think you'd get an essay when you posted that link, did you? 

@empyr3al, the carpet was mostly only stapled on the edges, and we got all of it up in a weekend! Wooohoooo! God, I love wood floors and hated that carpet SO MUCH. It looks (if I say so myself) fabulous. New, original, and fun artwork on the walls, too. 

But unfortunately, I'm moving out. I can't take it anymore. My husband is walking resentment, seething it out into the ether, heating rooms with the coals of his burning anger. (Ah, I'm getting all fancy, and it's lame, but I'll leave it.)

Anyway, I gotta go. I can't breath his air anymore. And I sure as hell can't get better. There's an Oxford House** nearby, I know one of the women in it, and I'm interviewing there tonight. If I get in, and I will, I'll share a room in a dumpy house with 6 other women. I'm not sure what my life has come to at age 47, I'm loathe to think of what the future holds, but I just have to gtfo of this house and away from the pestilence that my husband brings home with him. And booze. Let me not forget, or gloss over, or deny, that booze isn't at the forefront of the issue(s). 

I'm not drinking every day, or even regularly. I think, before this weekend, I only drank 4 times. But it's enough to make me feel like shit and make him a passive-aggressive asshole at every turn. Once I decided to move out, and into OH, I started drinking. So Saturday, Sunday, Monday. I can't drink today until after my interview at 8:30pm (!!! Jesus, who does anything after 8pm? Can't believe I'm gonna have to shower and get dressed for that!) I have called out sick to work yesterday and today. I'm not sure I'll drink tonight, because I still feel really, really sick and horrible and self-loathing and self-pitying after yesterday's doozy of 14 beers with no food. And I really should go to work tomorrow, even though I just want to crawl into a closet with a bunch of bottles, cartons of cigarettes, and wait for the future to... implode. 

I pray with all my might that there isn't a tv in every room, especially not mine, and that the people who like to have it on for "background" don't live there. arrrrgh. I'm so sad/mad/etc... Wish me luck, folks.

xx

**Oxford Houses are sober living group homes for people in recovery.

 http://www.oxfordhouse.org/userfiles/file/

I did read Lance Dodes's book, and like any theory it is good at explaining one thing (emotional and behavioral drivers of addiction) but not the biochemical part. 

 

I say this because when I was on baclofen I noticed that the craving drive for alcohol was gone but the ritualistic role it had taken in my life wasn't affected at all. That is not to say I would'nt have gotten to that point without baclofen derailing the cravings. It was a valuable tool to make it to the next step but not an answer in itself. 

 

While I don't think his viewpoint should be used entirely to fight a drinking problem, the part of it that it true is useful for the ritual/behavioral part (namely, recognize that it's a compulsive behavior and replace it). For me, yoga became the evening stress burning compulsion that replaced going to the bar. I would not credit that to him, but I think he's on the correct bandwagon of replacing bad habits rather than eliminating them. 

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fredson
16 hours ago, Ne1 said:

 

But unfortunately, I'm moving out. I can't take it anymore. My husband is walking resentment, seething it out into the ether, heating rooms with the coals of his burning anger. (Ah, I'm getting all fancy, and it's lame, but I'll leave it.)

Anyway, I gotta go. I can't breath his air anymore. And I sure as hell can't get better. There's an Oxford House** nearby, I know one of the women in it, and I'm interviewing there tonight. If I get in, and I will, I'll share a room in a dumpy house with 6 other women. I'm not sure what my life has come to at age 47, I'm loathe to think of what the future holds, but I just have to gtfo of this house and away from the pestilence that my husband brings home with him. And booze. Let me not forget, or gloss over, or deny, that booze isn't at the forefront of the issue(s). 

I'm not drinking every day, or even regularly. I think, before this weekend, I only drank 4 times. But it's enough to make me feel like shit and make him a passive-aggressive asshole at every turn. Once I decided to move out, and into OH, I started drinking. So Saturday, Sunday, Monday. I can't drink today until after my interview at 8:30pm (!!! Jesus, who does anything after 8pm? Can't believe I'm gonna have to shower and get dressed for that!) I have called out sick to work yesterday and today. I'm not sure I'll drink tonight, because I still feel really, really sick and horrible and self-loathing and self-pitying after yesterday's doozy of 14 beers with no food. And I really should go to work tomorrow, even though I just want to crawl into a closet with a bunch of bottles, cartons of cigarettes, and wait for the future to... implode. 

I pray with all my might that there isn't a tv in every room, especially not mine, and that the people who like to have it on for "background" don't live there. arrrrgh. I'm so sad/mad/etc... Wish me luck, folks.

xx

**Oxford Houses are sober living group homes for people in recovery.

 http://www.oxfordhouse.org/userfiles/file/

And Ne, 

I've followed your story for about 5 years now. When is it going to stop getting worse? 

 

Every few months your salvation has been a medication regimen, a degree, a therapist, rehab, and now a sober living arrangement. The only thing that has remained constant is your remaining emotionally and economically dependent on others. 

 

Of course your your husband is resentful, he forcibly sent you to rehab earlier this year and is probably exhausted of his last ounce of compassion. 

And you cant have been at your job long at this point- do you think that a pattern of calling off sick hasn't been noticed and given them reason to watch you suspiciously? How pock marked with gaps does your resume look by now? That becomes exponentially harder to put a positive spin on as time goes on. 

And do do you seriously think that living at Oxford is going to have fewer strings attached and be any easier than being around your resentful husband? They're going to be far worse than seething with resentment if you're caught drunk and and can make your life difficult accordingly. 

Your not taking care of yourself has kept you in a position where more and more people can put their fingers in your pie. Year by year it's only gotten worse, and it's making you miserable. When will it finally stop? 

Seriously, I don't know what else to say at this point. It's not unlike the way I felt with Stuck last year when he almost drank himself out of his teaching position while navel gazing about how beautifully tragic the situation was.

 

There's nothing beautiful or tragic about getting to the point where other adults have to watch, distrust and micromanage you like a child, and you will find yourself surrounded by more and more people like that at this rate. The extended vacation from adult life you've taken has become a nightmare. 

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StuckinLA

@fredson , you've been with us all a long time and I have no doubt that you read enough to keep up with where people are at a given moment, and your insights are pretty spot on, but the timing of your posts can be frustrating. You punch when people are down. At least that's the way I felt earlier this year and the way I feel reading your post now. Again, not to say you were wrong about my situation, but I was not in a place to hear it. I very much hope Ne can take from your post the solid pieces of analysis and what I still believe are your good intentions, and move past some of the tone.

@Ne1 , not sure why but when I read your post I felt as though I'd been waiting a long time for it. Not because of anything you have said or done recently, but I knew you had had a few recent slips. Forgive me, but many of these thoughts have more to do with myself - I have been having dreams of drinking lately, and in those dreams it's clear I am deciding to take that first drink after so many months. And it feels depressing and horrible and great in the dreams, the freedom of escape and giving up for a while.

I am so very sorry about your living situation, dear. Nothing good comes from being trapped in close quarters with a person once a relationship has soured. You and Ed have been through so many ups and downs, and giving yourselves space when you are not on the same page has worked to shore things up in the past. Hopefully this too shall pass.

Fred is not wrong about resentment and judgment and retaliation in the new place, but whoever said "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't" clearly hadn't met the right devil. I am proud of your decision to move into OH. You saw clearly your current situation and the direction you were likely heading, and made a decision to change. That takes guts. Hang in there, and keep us updated as you can.

 

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StuckinLA

Wanted to separate that last post from an update about me. August check in. Wow, where did the summer go, huh? Well, next week will be 8 months AF and I am no longer smoking pot at all since before the Spain trip, so that would be the first week of July.

Still out of a job, which blows. Have a lead on a single class at the school here where I did my PhD. That won't be a lot of money, but it would be something to build around and I am hoping to get an email back confirming an interview/conversation this week. I also have taken all the steps to become a Lyft driver. You read that right. So far everything is good to go in the phone app, and pretty sure I could be out driving right now, but I am waiting for official confirmation that my background check cleared, which could be up to another week. I'd rather not invest in a more expensive phone data plan, a more expensive car insurance plan, and the few other expenses that go along with independent contractor tax status before knowing for certain that this will work out long-ish term.

I am also working on writing a couple things that I'll hopefully be paid for. And I am also doing a LOT of writing that I'm not being paid for. A few people from the local activist organization I'm involved in and I have started an online web magazine - kind of an alternative-weekly news thing. "Your progressive news source in Los Angeles" we're calling ourselves, or something like that. I forget. Anyway, we're kind of blowing up - lot's of people contacting us wanting to write things, and getting a couple hundred daily visitors to our page. We hope to eventually bring in some money with this, too, but that's a bit further out in the future. Regardless, it feels good. Feels at least moderately important. And I get to write about the environment, and housing development and public transit infrastructure, and all the commie propaganda that I want.

Haven't written much creative stuff, though. Pulled the novel out of the drawer and tinkered a bit, but still trying to really get into that again. Started jogging again - boy, that was a mistake. Took yesterday off because I was tired and it was 100+ degrees yesterday. And I had to finish writing a thing.

Trying to read more, as always. The public library is definitely my friend right now. As is Medicaid, and unemployment. Like I mentioned in the last post, I am having vivid drinking dreams. Didn't used to mind those, but this time around they're bothering me a bit. And not getting the best sleep lately, though surely the heat has something to do with that.

And as I just now clicked over to check my email in the middle of writing this post, the director of the place with the thing emailed me back to confirm he will call me today or tomorrow about the job. So that is very good, something to get me back onto a college campus. And something solid to build around, all the pieces of freelance and Lyft driving and maybe even some tutoring. Not the best possible outcome - I HATE hustling - but for now it's OK.

Guess that's about it - kind of a lot, maybe too much - from me. Hope y'all are having a good one out there. And here's to August, cheers.

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Molly78

@Ne1 I can't leave the forum tonight without saying how sorry I am to hear of your problems.  You have been such a support to so many people, let alone setting up this whole website, that my initial reaction to @fredson's post was that it was too harsh.  However, rereading it, there were some uncomfortable truths there.  But who am I to judge, when I am not in a relationship & have only myself to look after.  Not sure how I would cope with another person around all the time with their own agenda & needs (can't remember if Ed is still drinking??), especially having read @MJM's thread - he seems to be having relationship problems being married to a drinker.  It must be so hard.

I really hope the OH proves to be what you need right now.  Keep us posted.  And I'm sure all of us are wishing you well.

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empyr3al

@fredson , that was harsh.  Now I agree this is not childs play and acting like a child is common in this affliction and marriages fail because of this.  That's the first time I have read something like that on this board (though I am newer).  Harsh realities and sometimes people work with harsh realities for change and others positive change.  CBT Vs AA.  And I will not get into that arguement, its just a comment.

@SKendalll , thats hillarious.  I don't watch normal TV anymore and the commercials now on youtube are starting to piss me off.  I have a mini remote keyboard so I can control it from the couch.  Needless to say I don't watch TV for long lengths of time (months) and then binge watch a series when I find a nice one.  I used to torrent until my ISP started threatening me.  I use a ton of data.  I have a kodi 17 box which is all still somewhat legal (???) in Canada and a core i7 with 24, 27 and a 4k 43" all runs perfect so whatever I want I can do.  Pretty much have the cutting edge in tech so whatever I want, TV, information, scihub documents about research because I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge.  Whatever.  TV is frustrating though with the low IQ commercials, I do have a high grade deep fringe antenna and get about 30 channels from it, but most of it is BS and old.  Stick to TVO, PBS, CBC and another local channel... don't want to give away too much of my geolocation but it is in Southern Ontario.

@Ne1 Wish you the best and don't let people abuse you.  Some people get mad for some weird reasons, countless.  Jealousy, Anger, Hatred, tons of things.  I discussed this earlier today on MWO.  Some clarity might do well with your plans.

Glad the carpet was simple.

@redmaple Welcome fellow Canadian!  We try to remain positive (I think most of us, the Canadian way).  Apparently some of us get frustrated as things do not always go as planned.  Especially loving someone with addiction after you have dealt with it and want to share so much.  You should be nearly at 12 days now (?) if I read your post right and thats an incredible feat of courage.  How is the BAC going?  I use Mirtazapine, Campral and Naltrexone because I can't get the bac in quantity that I trust.

Edited by empyr3al
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DunDrinkn

Holy bejeezus. Not even sure where to jump in here. First, @Ne1 good for you for making the move to get out versus just staying and suffering -- which it sounds like Ed is intent on trying to do. I think that trying to remove the negative reinforcer (Ed) from the equation so you can get your equilibrium is a good step. Keep us posted on how it's going.

I don't agree with @fredson that Ed has a "right" to be resentful. Ed has very much participated in creating the dynamics of your marriage and hasn't been very willing to look at himself, or his contributions. Also, I'm fairly sure that Ne is very aware that if she drinks at OH she's in for "consequences". Though that probably doesn't include seething resentment.  I, for one, am not found of the "scared straight" approach of getting sober. Someone screaming what is surface obvious in my face without perspective or empathy I find to be abusive and counter productive. But that's just me. 

Haven't posted in a while, just chugging along. Sober for a while. Making progress in my relationship. Working. Buying groceries, cooking, eating. Exercising here and there. Ya know, living the dream. 

 

 

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empyr3al

@SKendallNearly everything is streamed now.  Seriously with an SSD, core i7, tv tuner cards, 5 terabytes of space, back up its like 10tb.  Tv is bullshit and has been for a decade.

@DunDrinknyeah the stream of this is a little crazy because we were thrown of kilter by someone with a bit of anger.  You know who you are.  Best of luck and look forward to your next posts.

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Ne1

@redmaple , thanks for your kind words. Seriously. When I hear from other people that it helps to read my random, self-serving posts about my own pathetic life and this godforsaken struggle, it really helps me.Congrats on your time, and please stick around. Xx

@Felina , xxxxxxxxooooooo. Thanks. It is so fucking amazing to know that you know me and have been there and here and are still around and have my back.

@SKendall , nice to see you and thanks. When I interviewed on Tuesday night they were all excited to tell me that they now have cable in every room. I could hear a TV in one of the back bedrooms. I might die. I don’t think I can explain how much I hate television. Americans don’t get it. Maybe nobody gets it? I haven’t seen a commercial or a ‘popular’ show in years and years. Who knows, though, maybe I’ll just invite it in and become a TV junky. I’d fit in better, that’s for sure. Last TV show I really got into when it was actually popular was ER, and that was…10 years ago?

@fredson , I responded to your first post and then read your second post, so deleted the response to your first post because the second post is about me. Hmmmm. When is it going to stop getting worse? I don’t know. I’m not going to be defensive about this, so I’m asking this question legitimately and looking for…inspiration, perhaps. When did it stop getting worse for you?

The rest of your points, well, are points I am going to take into consideration. Not only that, I’m going to send them to my therapist. They’re relevant. Unduly harsh, without context in a 3D world, but still relevant. So thanks. For real.

As for the Oxford House, there really isn’t any resentment allowed. I mean, if someone drinks/uses, they’re out. If someone crosses too many lines, they’re out. I don’t think you give me enough credit (and I hope this isn’t defensive) for making the decision to move in there. Making the decision to stay there is another matter, but you can call me out on my bull shit if/when I cave to my lack of creature comforts.

And this is a bit defensive: I like you, Fred, and I like your insight, but your struggle and mine are VERY different. I think our lives are very different. Our ages. Even the manifestation of our addictions and addictive behaviors are different. Which is not to say we don’t have similarities or that your input isn’t spot on and well received (although uncomfortable.) I appreciate your commentary on my reliance on others (especially financially) because I remember when you made the decision to stop taking your parent’s money and applauded you for it. That said, there's actually a lot more to our financial situation than you know. BUT. I'm going to get really real here and share something very personal. I'd make all kinds of excuses and share about the fact that I'm doing regression therapy with my therapist and fucking angry at my parents about a whole host of other stuff, but instead I'll just pretend I didn't make excuses for what I wrote. 

My dad and I were exchanging intense emails yesterday, throughout the day, about the fact that I'm moving out. I was seriously pissed at my mom's response. (And angry at both of them.) Anyway, I sent my dad an email last night, in response to a long train of emails, that basically said “send me a check or get out of my life”. Which makes me smirk now, today, and especially after reading your comments. I was drunk.  (Which you guys should know I will be, at least at night, until Saturday.) (I have a policy to NEVER post drunk. But fuck it. My life feels….over and just beginning. And my therapist and my inner self knows that I got better the first time by posting my shit all over MWO.) But I was, and am, SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF. (And I really should erase this part because it has so much to do with explicit family drama that will only ever come out if I write a tell-all book no one would read because I was not abused, they are not psycho, and everything is relatively normal. But whatevs.) 

Anyway, @fredson , I hear ya’. I’ll take what you’ve got to say into consideration. But I wonder if you think that life just magically gets better? Have I disappointed you? Even during my periods of sobriety? Or my periods of contentedness?

Are the only things I share online the ones that suck and so people who have actually been reading what I write for… (fuck!!!) seven years think that there weren’t good times?

Maybe there weren’t. I’m Pollyanna-ish that way. I remember the good times. Eeyore only remembers the sucky ones. (Can I say, in a defensive tone, that I supported that mother fucker for years? Earned more than him. Still take care of the finances and the goddamn albatross of a house, which he takes no responsibility for. Hope he remembers to cut the fucking grass and pay the light bill, for fuck's sake. ugh. This parenthetical interlude is an Edit and I'm drunk. Must sign off now.) 

I haven’t read past @StuckinLA's first post (thank you). Will be back when and then respond.

Gotta finish with one last thing. I live with Eeyore. So living with 6 other women, in a house full of TVs, smaller than my own, with unforeseen annoyances, without the benefit of booze or benzos or anything else for comfort, is STILL better than living with Eeyore. I can’t FUCKING WAIT to gtfo. And that’s on my dime, and on my time, and in my real 3D world. So (in a way) fuck all y’all who doubt.

And in a much bigger way, thank you all for both the real and the kind words. Couldn’t be on the right track without some help.

xx

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Ne1

Hmmm.

On third thought, @fredson, bite me. (Yikes! Do I really want to say that? Oh yes, I do.)

If you’ve been reading what I’ve written for the last five years you’ll know a couple of things.

I got contentedly sober and stayed that way for four years.

I bought a house.

I remained contentedly married, to an alcoholic, whom I’ve had to pull out of the gutter or pick up from jail more times than I care to remember or share, even with strangers.

I went back to school and got a degree in nursing, magna cum laude, thank you very much.

My life, like everyone else’s does at some point, hit the skids. Deaths. Depression. Stuff.

Since then, and even before I relapsed to drinking alcoholically, I started therapy with a therapist I see every week. (Still.) I’ve volunteered. I’ve exercised. I’ve tried to participate in a meditation group.

I went to rehab, knucklehead. If there’s any sacrifice that counts toward my willingness to put up with any amount of bull shit and try to get well in the last 12 months, it’s that one.

Oh, except then I went to 12-step meetings regularly.

I’ve taken too many medications, for both depression and alcoholism, for me to recite.

AND I’ve shared it all, or as much as I could, online, with friends and strangers, to try to help other people.

Basically, brother, you’ve got no idea, and no room to pass any kind of judgment. But I know you weren’t being snarky. I know YOU had to cut yourself off from the financial help you were getting from your parents, I know YOU had to make really tough (and heartbreaking) decisions about a girlfriend. I know that YOU found solace in guitar, and volunteering with cats, and yoga. (And forgive me, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got two decades on you, and sadly, A LOT more booze. So while I don’t want to compare drunkalogues, I’m think I can write with some confidence that I’ve been battling an ocean. And while each of us faces our own oceans, [of booze], it’s pretty much scientific fact that the deeper and wider and more fucking old [meaning me] the ocean is, the harder the swim. Or something like that.)

So those things? They don’t correlate. A girlfriend is not a marriage. Filling time with cats, and yoga, and guitar, while all extremely positive, do not put you in a position to pass judgment, however constructive it was meant to be, on me or anyone else in this battle.

If all I read from your post is simply, “when is it going to stop getting worse?” I can answer simply, and without reservation, that as soon as I can do or find something that makes it better. And for you (or anyone else) to suggest I’m not doing enough, haven’t done enough, am not willing enough, is, well, bull shit. (ESPECIALLY WHEN I’M MOVING INTO A FUCKING SOBER HOUSE. Oops. Didn’t mean to yell. Just had to get the point across that you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.) Tell me, when did it stop getting worse for you? How many years? Are you SURE the solution for me is to cut myself off financially from my husband? Why?

So bite me. I say that in the nicest way. You’re ok. I’m not attacking you. But just be a bit more…empathetic? Compassionate? Less stupid? Or simply less judgmental. Because if you said that kind of shit to someone else on here, I’d blast you for being an asshole. Fortunately I’m pretending to be thick-skinned and nice, and all that jazz. So it’s all good.  

Sorry, folks, I tried to edit this and respond to other posts, but I just kept adding and so I’m going to post it and move on.

T-2 days ‘til I move. fuck.

xx

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StuckinLA

Hi @Ne1. Just lettin' ya' know I'm around and reading and thinking about you these days, the next couple days.

Not much going on round here. Went out for a bite to eat and a movie with the girl, hadn't seen her in a while actually. She sold her car about a month ago, so now she's taking public transit to and from work and hanging out a lot with other friends. She seemed put out when I came home after the movie instead of staying for a while or the night at her place. Don't know, things are just off. She has a roommate and her place is kind of a mess. I won't make excuses but for whatever reason I just don't want to be over there. Still love spending time with her and texting with her throughout the day, but. But. Guess there's an unspoken line somewhere between us these days.

Didn't mean to say anything about me just now, but that's what came out. Oh well. Good night everyone.

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Molly78
On 8/2/2017 at 3:31 AM, SKendall said:

 But I do enjoy Netflix.

I love Netflix as well.  Enjoyed 13 reasons why, Stranger Things, Making a Murderer, To the Bone & lots of the documentaries.

In the UK we are lucky enough to have BBC (no low IQ ads) which I mainly watch as iplayer rather than live.  There have been some cracking series on lately which I have been bingeing on - have you had Top of the Lake in the US?  I don't watch any live TV even though I have access to it.

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empyr3al

@nr2@SKendallNearly everything is streamed now.  Seriously with an SSD, core i7, tv tuner cards, 5 terabytes of space, back up its like 10tb.  Tv is bullshit and has been for a decade.

6 hours ago, Molly78 said:

I love Netflix as well.  Enjoyed 13 reasons why, Stranger Things, Making a Murderer, To the Bone & lots of the documentaries.

In the UK we are lucky enough to have BBC (no low IQ ads) which I mainly watch as iplayer rather than live.  There have been some cracking series on lately which I have been bingeing on - have you had Top of the Lake in the US?  I don't watch any live TV even though I have access to it.

@DunDrinknyeah the stream of this is a little crazy because we were thrown of kilter by someone with a bit of anger.  You know who you are.  Best of luck and look forward to your next posts.

 

How about if you are over 19 or whatever the age of constent is "Archer" ... that will mess with you if need a distraction.  Its freaking hillarious.

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empyr3al
7 hours ago, Molly78 said:

I love Netflix as well.  Enjoyed 13 reasons why, Stranger Things, Making a Murderer, To the Bone & lots of the documentaries.

In the UK we are lucky enough to have BBC (no low IQ ads) which I mainly watch as iplayer rather than live.  There have been some cracking series on lately which I have been bingeing on - have you had Top of the Lake in the US?  I don't watch any live TV even though I have access to it.

We use some crazy tech to get english TV. Why ex wife was a fanatic about some 50 year old soap opera so I gave her access to it.  Believe me she was pissed when i wasn't around, and threw my stuff around, monitors and all sorts if she couldn't figure it out.  Coronation Street, its delayed by about a week to 3 months here so sometimes thing go crazy.  I get it live stream but wtf how do I teach my wife how to be a hacker.  In Canada they really don't care so its only restrictions from providers which I can beat with my PC or a kodi box and a VPN.  BUT I cannot do it for my now ex wife while I am working.  What the F do you expect.  Divorce me because you can't access that stuff...  well RRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  Tired of american TV and have been watching british for like a decade.

Edited by empyr3al

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StuckinLA

I can't quite get into the British tv. A couple cool Australian detective mysteries on BBC, and Luther was awesome at first, but other than that it's good ol' American crap for me.

Been watching Justified lately - an old FX show. Oh, and Archer is my freakin' favorite :)

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Nicnak

I love murder she wrote but then I'm a lover of big brother

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Molly78
13 hours ago, empyr3al said:

 Coronation Street,

This is ITV - commercial TV complete with low IQ ads, fairly low IQ show as well, but then I don't like soaps.

 

7 hours ago, StuckinLA said:

I can't quite get into the British tv

The best bit of BBC currently is the Saturday night BBC4 shows - these aren't British, they are Scandinavian or European, complete with subtitles (this is where The Killing originated, in French, think they did a rip off in English for the US audience who can't read LOL).  Can't get enough of these.  Current one is a Spanish detective series, 2 hours each week.  About to watch last night's - no one better interrupt me.....

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Nicnak

My hubby loves the foreign dramas with subtitles,I'm not so educated haha 

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Mom2JTx3

Have to agree re. Netflix, and Hulu.  Our family even has a prime video account.  Way too many ways to waste time.  I just binge watched Strike Back.  That was awesome.  Every episode is like an action movie. I think it's interesting how the CIA are the bad guys :). I haven't watched live TV in years unless it's sports.  Go Steelers!

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empyr3al

Mrs Browns Boys was one of my all time favorites.  May seem rediculous but its an excellent time waster ;)

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empyr3al

@Molly78I tolerated Corination Street but really hated it.  For her it was like some sort of family tradition.  But to please her, I'd pipe it to the TV over a 50ft HDMI cable from my PC (fully ripped of low IQ commercials because its been ripped by the time it hits Canada) and do my own thing, mow the lawn, read news, go to work, whatever, get yelled at for doing dishes to loud.  The work thing when I couldnt fix it was when things went nuts. Tolerated it, didn't know what network it was on but its been on for like 50 years or something crazy. I watch documentaries most of the time and I'm fanatical about learning, so I found it a waste of time. Once in a while I would sit down and watch with her because I wanted company, but the plot goes all over the place and I end up just asking questions and talking, lol.  Really crappy stuff.  Eventually got her a kodi box so she could do it herself, but the builds I would put on would confuse her and my step daughter and sometimes lag the crappy box as you need to know maintenance of it.  Mine is insane that I bought after we separated because I got sick of garbage and can mod to hearts delight without fear of reprisal.  Its my own fault if I break something. Still most of the time its PC and youtube for documentaries (which I don't really consider TV as its education).  One is often playing on the monitor beside me.  Interesting the differences between me and her and was pointed out by one of my therapists a while back as to why I started drinking heavily.  IQ and interest difference.  Still love won for years and years.

Its a long weekend here so everyone is away to a cottage or a concert or something, so its time for some house cleaning (in more ways than one).  Everyone else will be drinking.

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empyr3al

Interesting doc is ripped from netflix unless you have netfliix (which I've had for years).  The 13th amendment.  Its about prisons, drugs, KKK, slavery and how unfair jail terms are.  I'll avoid the politics of it, but it is interesting if you like documentaries. Crack cocaine. Honestly if you look at powdered cocaine, most rich people use it. Most lawyers I talk to use it.  And you can run Kodi on your PC if you don't have a separate box, if you were curious.  Kodi is complex so don't try if you are not a tech. Maybe I will start a documentary thread but maybe not because a ton of it is political and history.  I think the TED talk thread I made on MWO is about as far as I will go.  I really wonder though if we challenge this enough whether drug and alcohol policy would be changed.  I am a white canadian that does not believe in jail (for most) and only in rehab.  There are exceptions to the rules, because some absolutely crazy.

There is a 5 episode on netflix about alcohol and prohibition in the USA but I cannot remember the name.  I think searching prohibition will show it as a search result.

Some of my biggest crushes ever where a black girl and a half french indian girl.  But in Canada we live in a mixed mesh of race so maybe not truly black or indian.  We are so mixed its nuts. But I do like you if you have dark skin, arab, egyptian exceptionally (hint, if I interest you).  And thats not a screwed up thing in this society and not violent or abusive.  Its Canada. Where I live we have memorials and all sorts about the underground railroad.  If you do not know about this, google it.  Canada was the end stop for slaves.  I am obviously not racist.

The vid is probably the craziest thing you will see in the free world.  The 13th amendment.  I believe in a free world. I dont give a shit what race you are so long as you are a nice person.  The stats in the video are crazy.

Edited by empyr3al

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Molly78
6 hours ago, empyr3al said:

Once in a while I would sit down and watch with her

Now you mention it I sometimes used to watch the Sunday omnibus edition with my DIL when she stayed over - trying to build bridges I guess - but actually I kind of got to see the addictive nature of it.  One of the few kinds of addiction I didn't have any trouble resisting LOL!

 

5 hours ago, empyr3al said:

The 13th amendment.

Can't locate this by searching Netflix ? might not be available in UK.  Always love a good documentary!

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empyr3al

@Molly78 this is a short summary 

If you need me to find the full doc for you I will.  PM me.  Its probably geolocation.  If you don't know how to use the tech I talk about ... pm me.

Edited by empyr3al
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empyr3al

Someone sent this to me.  Okay deleted all the politics I stated.  If you are curious about Canadians, look us up.

 

Edited by empyr3al

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