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The End of my Addiction

Impulsively Made an account... probably because i just relapsed

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Hi I'm a 23 year old male, who has been struglling with alcoholism since i was 18. In the fall of 2018 I went to rehab for 2 months in patient, then 3 months IOP. I had been charged with a dui at 19 and finally convicted at 21. While on probation, I was arrested for public intoxication after an altercation with my father, and my lawyer suggested i go to rehab just in case my probation officer finds out, and obviously because i really needed the help. After treatment i lived with my grandparents up until 4 days ago. During that time i had "slipped up" about ten times, all spaced out by months in little spurts of drinking. For example I'd get a very strong urge to drink after being totally abstinent for 3 months, and would drink 2-3 in a week, then go back to total abstinence. anyways, after living with my grandparents for over a year, I made plans with my father to move back with him temporarily, until i can get set up in an apartment. My grandparents thought this could be beneficial, but insisted that i have a 30 day naltrexone shot before i leave, and I was totally on board with this, being aware of my impulsiveness. I got the shot 7 days ago, and It's basically been unnoticeable. Living at my grandparents, I had no car, and the nearest gas station was an hour walk (which was hard to pull off undetected). This coupled with my grandparents serious opposition towards drugs( "we catch you and youre out,") was enoguh to keep me from drinking 9 times out of 10. Now that i'm back in Georgia, It's been 3 days of the strongest cravings I've ever had. The naltrexone isn't standing in the way, and honestly I didnt have much faith that anything would. My dad left tonight, so I'm home alone. It's probably 30 degrees out tonight, but i biked 15 minutes to the gas station to get booze. This time I bought 10 servings... usually 12-14. I don't know where i was going with this. Honestly I was reading about naltrexone, and I'm wondering if the craving will pass. I've downed 3 so far, and i"m buzzed, unusually nauseous, less CRAVING the next drink, but I'm also totally wanting to down the rest and get drunk more so then ever since i entered rehab for the second time over a year ago. what will it be like from here????? Sorry if im incoherent. I'm upset and intoxicated because i drank quickly on an empty stomach. I feel manic but imprecise 

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man I'm so sorry for your struggles, and at such a young age. it's good you caught this f**king sickness early, but also that terrible anyone has to fight so long, you know? I've never tried naltrexone, so I can't offer any help there. I wonder about cravings, also, like what do we mean when we say craving? I was recently sober 3 years, and I don't know how I did it, I just did it, and then suddenly I went out and got a drink. From there, well, it's like inviting the devil back into the house. what had long settled into a kinda flat depression has now again become a struggle, a daily, f**king hourly struggle, and on a Sunday I'm drinking a beer an hour for no other reason than.. than... you know how it is, there's no reason for it. All I can say is hold tight, hold on for as long as you can and life is maybe less exciting and flatter and grayer without booze but it is, can be, better. There's not much to look forward to but look around and think about everything around you in the moment, and that can smell sweeter than any stupid future we can imagine. sorry, I wouldn't be so vague and maudlin if I hadn't also been drinking today.

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